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Forgive & Forget or accept & move on?
How can a person "forgive" another & move on in a productive relationship after being deceived? I don't use this term loosely either. Among other things, this man invited his "mistress" to his wedding (of course the wife 2 b thought they were associates). I say her love will NEVER be the same. It's very hard to love that hard and be deceived over and over and over again. The relationship with the mistress went on as long as their marriage (a couple of years) before the wife found out, and even then it didn't stop! Any words of advice,wisdom, etc....?
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Re: Forgive & Forget or accept & move on?
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My advice is to get a good lawyer.
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Yes they r still together. Although he says that nothing is going on anymore, so much trust is gone and so much has happened, the wife doesn't trust at all. She is convinced that to build trust back, u have to give your all and believe in the other person, but for fear of losing her mind, she is very afraid of doing so. In the beginning of all of this, he suggested counseling (seperate then together) and the wife went for 3-4 mths for her sessions.....he went twice. Now that the wind has blown over (so 2 speak) he claims 2 b a changed person and realizes the error in his ways. He says that the whole ordeal was a big mistake and is looking forward to a house and positive things like that.
MEN.......CAN SEX CONTROL YOUR ORGANS 2 THE POINT OF RUINING EVERYTHING?.....TALK 2 ME!!!!! ALSO, COULD SOMETHING LIKE THIS BE CONSIDERED A MISTAKE??!!:mad: |
"Learn to carve your hurts in sand and your benefits in stone"
BUT LEAVE THE JERK! Time to move on. No trust = No marriage of any use. |
If you can deal with him cheating on you in the future. Stay and drop the subject. If you can't leave now.
Also, he already cheated for a long time, from the beginning, and after he was discovered also, that doesn't prompt a lot of trust. Sometimes it doesn't matter whether the person will be honest in the future. It matters whether you think they will be. Because if they are honest but you don't believe them, you will equally miserable. |
I hear that, if they say they are going to be honest/faithful and you don't believe them, then you might as well leave. BUT, I also think it really depends on how deeply you love the person. Now granted my situation was a lot different than this one, but I think in the name of love you can forgive a whole lot more than you think you're capable of. I NEVER thought I'd be the girl to stay around after cheating episode number 1, much less 2, or 3, but eventually you draw the line somewhere. Now it would take alot for me to go back to that, even though I still care about him.
Bottom line from this post is that it varies from person to person and really only your heart can tell. But in my opinion, once a cheat, always a cheat, but the big question is can you deal with a cheater? The answer to that is different for each situation I think and only in your heart... Tara I have a Phi Mu castle... |
A very wise, older friend once told me (forgive my term, but this IS a quote)
"A stiff dick has no conscience." That was of course an overstatement, but still, it stuck with me all these years. As far as the wife is concerned, she has done the best she can and tried to mend the breach. It takes two to build trust and her husband is/was not participating. Sounds like he uses her for a safety net. She may be doing the same since she doesn't leave. This is so destructive for her. I can't even relate to a woman accepting-repeatedly-such transgressions. She needs to find her courage and walk away before she loses her sense of self. I pretty much believe as PhiMuNursie "Once a cheater, always a cheater." HE SAYS HE WILL STOP She needs to ask herself WHY would he stop? I'm sure she has made threats in the past, he MUST have known his actions were KILLING her inside...Yet he didn't stop...he didn't care...he knowingly hurt her... WHAT HAS CHANGED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE HIM STOP? Is this what she wants for the rest of her life? That's not love, that's masochism. |
Justamom,
Many relationships are massochistic in nature. And I'll step out on a limb here and say the very vast majority of people will never find happiness in a relationship. Why? Because most become worn out by the dating scene (because they don't get the essential secret) and end up settling for someone. I have seen many a desirable woman that has settled down with a man that doesn't inspire a lot of passion or intense good feelings, but has the dubious benefit of "he doesn't hurt me much". It puts me in mind of that old adage (for women) "dull dogs make good husbands." |
Sometimes it doesn't matter whether the person will be honest in the future. It matters whether you think they will be. Because if they are honest but you don't believe them, you will equally miserable.
James, this is so true. Perhaps the MOST difficult obstacle to overcome when trying to mend a broken relatioship. |
Wow Justamom,That;s so true! Mending a broken heart is verrrrry difficult! :confused:
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The Good News Is....
... Good News
You are a college-educated woman able to stand in the face of adversity and move on... ...Bad News, he doesn't love you or I should say, is not in love with you. I think he is doing you a favor! Trust me. Better to know now than later, like after a mortgage and a couple of children yikes!:( :) :mad: :eek: :D |
JWOW, How Could You?
I regret what JWOW Just said, well even though it is True!:o
Men and Women have wondering eyes never forget that! It will last only so long! But my question is how does everyone know that the Scarletia Lady was getting Boinked by the Dude? Just Speculation or did she wear a Sign that said I am Serviceing this Guy?:confused: JWOW, I have come to the conclussion that you are to old for me anyway!;) :D |
*applauds justamom* Well said!!!
Any man who needs to engage in this kind of behavior has some serious self-esteem issues. Or a small penis. Either way, any woman is too good to deal with the situation you described. |
Why does he have self-esteem issues? OR a small prick? Isn't it equally likely that he may love the woman he is with, but she doesn't meet all his needs? So he feels the need to wander to be complete?
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Of course, this is just my opinion, but if he has to justify sleeping around with someone else to make himself "whole," he should have never married her. If they were the right match, he wouldn't need anything besides her.
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A friend and I had this very discussion last week....why does a man cheat???
This pretty much goes along with what James said (damn, I am agreeing with you ALOT this week :) ) My friend I was discussing this with was a man, that has had several long-lasting affairs-----I happen to agree with all of this.... A man does not cheat because his cock is small--or because of self-esteem--- it very well could be because the she does not fulfill all his needs. (and vice versa for the woman who cheat)---I don't mean SEXUAL needs--- any type of needs, be it emotional, financial, or sexual. Cheating/Affairs do not start because of someone wanting sex--they start for other reasons--- to fullfill something they are lacking with their current partner. In trying to fullfill that missing piece, sex happens--thus leading to the affair. If life was perfect-- your partner made you feel wonderful, provided for you in everyway--put you in a position that you would never seek out another human--then you would not be put in a position to cheat, you would be with your partner and not with someone else. Cheating is not about SEX--it is a result of something else!!!! And to answer the question, forgive and forget-- or accept and move on----- depends-- you would have to be willing to forgive and forget--- biggest piece there being forget. We can all say we forgive--but can you forget. If you cannot forget then, then going forward your relationship will only have problems. It is a tough call--- if you move on--was the relationship not worth saving to begin with. If it is worth saving and you forgive and forget--what happens the next time--- you know the old saying "first time shame on him, second time shame on you" Really it is a catch 22---very hard to decide what to do, until you are put in the position. Either way, the decisions that are made run alot of risk. And my answer to JAM's question--- "what changed in their relationship to make him stop?" -- my answer is morethan likely he got caught!!!! wendi |
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In MY opinion! ;) |
It is unrealistic to believe that any one human being is going to meet all of one's needs. It *is* realistic to believe that someone can meet the important needs to an adequate, satisfactory level. If that cannot be found with the person in a marriage, then maybe playing the field is a better option for this person. Unless, of course, an open marriage was agreed upon.
I didn't mean to sound glib by suggesting the small penis/self-esteem points, but sometimes in a mind-boggling situation, it's best to go with Occam's Razor. |
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Normally I am in accord with you but well . . . settling by any other name is still settling. And you have said to settle . . hence the prioritizing your needs.
But in the spirit of your post: Maybe a guy has a multiplicity of interests and talents and finds it hard to meet one woman to meet enough of those needs. So he goes elsewhere to get some of them filled. If I am reading most of you ladies correctly, a guys best bet is to find a girl that will rock his entire existance in the bedroom. That way he can seek emotional and intellectual needs elsewhere and be much less tempted sleep with those girls. However, its often a shared emotional understanding that leads to these long time affairs. Quote:
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COMPROMISING is what I am talking about. And if it is done correctly, those less important areas where you might be incompatible will either be obsolete or nonexistant. To me, if someone is not meeting your needs, why are you still with them? There is no gray area. If you feel unfulfilled, then it is YOUR fault for staying in the relationship when there is an option to leave. For people that feel that they have to fulfill their mulitple needs with multiple people, I say grow up. |
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but for real, we ALL have our knucklehead days (women on the side, all that other ish)....but some cats don't outgrow it. that's all fine and dandy, no one's knocking that. but if you're trying to lock it down with a woman, don't expect her to take kindly becuase you got another broad servicing you at work. |
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Is it even possible for one person to meet all of someone's needs? And more importantly, what qualifies as a NEED? I'm curious as to what is a NEED as opposed to a WANT. |
Without getting into a theological discussion about marriage, or sex for that matter, this guy is a jerk! Sex does not "happen." This guy chose to have an affair. His clothes didn't come off by themselves!
Marriage is not 50-50--it's 100-100. If one woman wasn't enough for him or if one woman couldn't fulfill his needs, he should have never gotten married. He is self-centered and cruel. If he spent as much time on his marriage as he did on the affair, maybe he would have had a better marriage. Let's not excuse the mistress either--she did witness the marriage, so she knew he was not free. Was she hoping he would divorce Wife #1 and marry her (or was she in it for the conquest)? What a prize he would be!!! Since he had an affair with her while married to someone else, what would make her think he wouldn't have an affair with someone else while married to her? It's like chewing gum in school--no one thinks the teachers know, but they do. The wife might not have known what was going on, but she knew something was wrong. It's my guess that this guy couldn't have cared less if his wife found out. I hope she can get on with her life. She needs to be tested for any diseases he may have brought home to her. This makes me so angry for the wife--sorry if I rambled a little or got a little self-righteous. Stepping off my soapbox now. |
Okay, I am not addressing the original situation... just some of the side issues.
It is impossible for someone to meet all of your needs, all the time. They are going to occasionally be some problems... deal with it. Just accept that youj are going to sometimes have issues in a relationship and find someone who you would be happy to work through them with. You know, someone who is perfect in their imperfection... to you at least. After all, people screw up and make mistakes. And sometimes thei mistakes hurt others, but if they didn't hurt you, then that would mean you never cared to begin with. |
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