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This is funny :)
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too. |
:D that is friggin hilarious
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Thats a good one but I do not think it would really work! But it is too funny! :D
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ROTFLMAO!!!
That ws sooo funny! Awesome joke!!!!!! :D
Ronnie P.S. do you know anymore????? |
hahahaha
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:D hahahahahahahaha!:D
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hmmmm.... maybe I should try that!
LOL, that was funny! :D |
Re: ROTFLMAO!!!
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When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" Have a great day :) |
COMPLETELY off topic
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That slogan is too cute!!! |
Re: COMPLETELY off topic
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I've heard the joke before, but it's still funny the second go-around
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another one....this is bad!
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he
kept in the hen house out in the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that this was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the alter boys stood up. |
SigmaChiCard
that was funny, but awfully true. It's a sad thing that young Catholic boys have been seducing their priests all over the world.
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A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it'd be fine by him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor. After she came to, the guy asked, 'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?' The girl said, 'You told me it was just like a baby.' The guy replied, 'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.' |
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. |
A couple from Arkansas get married. On their wedding night, as her new husband begins to undress her, the wife says, "Honey, there's something I want to tell you. You're my first. I'm a virgin."
"You're a what?" shrieks the husband. He pulls his clothes on and flees the room, not stopping until he reaches his parents' home. He runs into the living room and his father looks up from the TV, surprised to see his newly married son bursting through the door. "What brings you home, son?" his father asks. "Well, Dad," he says, "We were about to do that thing when she looks at me and says, 'Honey, I'm a virgin.' I didn't know what to do, so I ran." "That's damn smart of you, boy," replies his father. "If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours." |
What do you call a guy who gets fired from the post office?
Just some dude. |
I just posted this on another thread, but...
What goes: Clop clop, clop clop, clop clop, clop clop, clop clop... BANG!!! Clop clop, clop clop, clop clop... Answer: An Amish Drive-by... |
An extraordinarily handsome man felt he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search throughout the east coast, he began to head west.
Soon thereafter, he met a farmer who had three gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. After explaining his mission to the farmer, he asked for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and choose the one you want." The man dated the first daughter and the following day, the farmer asked the man for his opinion. "Well," replied the man, "she's just a weeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls, so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third daughter to see if things might be better. So he did. The following morning, the man rushed in and exclaimed, "She's perfect, absolutely perfect! She's the one I want to marry." So, they got married right away. Several months later, the baby was born. When the man visited the nursey, he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human imaginable. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," the farmer calmly explained, "she was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." ________ Milf mature |
LMAO! These are GOOD!
Hootie:p |
CAUTION: semi-dirty joke ahead!
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
'What can I get you?' the barman inquires. 'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man. 'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?' 'Yeah, my first blowjob.' 'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.' The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.' |
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Thanks for the laughs!!
XOXO, Annie. |
Fat chicks are like mopeds. You know they're fun to ride, but you don't want to see your friends ride them.
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Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.
Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out. Clinton looked down and said "Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?" Jessie said "Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can". Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post. At that time, Hillery said "Is that you Jessie?" |
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?' She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?' She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection. The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, 'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.' |
Three wishes
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich. " *** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." |
Hehe, that was funny. I've got one, its old, but cute:
What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his whites? Bleeeeotch!!! |
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Viagra
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."
Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck. Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night. How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb. Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region. The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive. If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor! A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear. We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall. Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride. |
2 drunks bar hopping
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off." The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars." The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog. "You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!" They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out. After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!" "You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!" |
Dear Dell Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow-down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperately Seeking Solution --------------------------------------------------- Dear Desperate: First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware). Good Luck, Dell Tech Support |
Sex Education
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!" |
Fireman Sex
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife. Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) a couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!". The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?" The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!" |
A guy and a girl met at a bar ...
They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place ..... A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands .... He then takes off his pants and washes his hands .... So the girl looks at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!' The guy all surprised says 'Yes ... how did you figure that out ?' The girl says: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' .... One thing led to another ... They make love ... After they were done, the girl says: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!' ... The guy was very very surprised, he says: 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??' The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing' .... |
Know what a Yankee is?
It's like a quickee only you can do it by yourself. |
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This guy is in a bar and he's really depressed. A lady comes up to him and asks what's wrong. He tells her his wife left him because he was kinky.
She finds this interesting, and they have a few drinks. Finally, she says, "ey, why don't we go back to my place and get kinky."He agrees and they leave. When they get to her place she says, "let me go change into something more comfortable." She goes into her bedroom and changes into her S&M gear, stilleto boots, black leather, cat of 9 tails, the whole 9 yards. She comes out of her room and the man is putting on his coat. She says, hey i thought we were going to get kinky. He replies, "I shit in your purse and screwed your dog. I'm outta here." |
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