Could You Wait?
 

I was a little reluctant to start this thread, but my question is for the brothas out there. Let's think hypothetically for one second...

let's say there was someone that you really liked. She had the brains, body, everything. You really wanted to get with this girl. And she told you that she wanted to be in a relationship with you as well BUT she did not want to have sexual relations because she's practicing celibacy.

COULD YOU WAIT?????

The reason why I'm asking this is because a lot of my sisterfriends are beginning to abstain from sex these days. I happen to be one of those young ladies. I just wanna know how or if you could handle this situation. Can't wait to hear the replies... :)

Well, I am right along there with you Delph. I have not had sex for almost two years. I just wasn't feelin' giving myself to a man that wasn't seriously involved with me. Since I gave it up, I have found a wonderful man who I am very in love with. We have been together for almost two years and we have yet to do the deed. I asked him if he would have a problem with waiting and he said no. He wants what's best for me and he doesn't want to pressure me into anything. From the very beginning, he told me that he just wanted to be with me and if waiting was part of the deal then that was fine with him.

It can be done... I did.

We have soemwhat touched on this before. My reply is that women that offer their goods early in the relationship is not a woman that I can seriously consider for a long term relationship. I can't speak for all brothers but I respect a woman that says she is interested in more than sex and wants to wait until a relationship is established.

I will add more later.

:D

Classy, it's definitely a blessing that you've been in a relationship for two years-SEX FREE!!! I pray that God blesses me with someone that will be understanding of this decision that I've made. Thanks to those that have responded. I can't wait to see what other people have to say...

Anything
 

I believe in that in fact I have been in that position in the past and it is always worth it. I support any sister or brother that is like that!
The Sphinxpoet

that's easy
 

Each individual has there own things they want in their relationship. I personally want a monogomous sexual relationship. Therefore, I can't give her what she's looking for in a relationship (not totally) nor can she give me all that I want in the relationship. Since we don't put people in situations that will lead to them doing some things we don't want to do, the best thing (if it was myself and the lady who wants to stay non-sexual) would be to just remain friends and look elsewhere for the relationship person who wants 'the same thing out of the relationship that we do'.

WHERE ARE THE MEN LIKE Y'ALL?! THEY DEFINITELY DON'T LIVE IN MINNESOTA!!! THAT'S GREAT CONTINUE TO BE THAT WAY!!! I LOVE IT!;)

Good topic
 

I would hope that the man would wait, especially if it is developing into a serious, committed relationship that leads to marriage or long-term cohabitation.

Marriage is preferable -- I am quite conservative when it comes to sexual matters, having been raised by parents who were married 47 years prior to my father's death. :cool:

I've not had sex in a while, myself. Right now, I'm too bloody old to have sex for sex's sake. Besides, that's not how I was raised.

My cousin and his wife moved to Minnesota about four years ago. She has told me about the way men treat women out there. She wasn't even talking about relationship-wise, she was speaking generally. If she's right, then I wish you tons of luck!!!

MUHAHAHAHAH!!! Whew...between this post and the booty-cutting thread I just do not know which is more comic relief!

ClassyLady and GCers,

It's absolutely ridiculous how the men are in Minnesota. It's so bad that when I go to First Fridays, I make sure that I have a dance partner coming because otherwise, I know that I'll be dancing in a circle with my girls the entire night! Now tell me how terrible is that?!

I really think that Minnesota has a negative impact on a lot of the black people who move up here. They change and adapt to the ways of a lof of these other Minnesotans and it's awful. I could go on and on about it, but I choose not to. PRAY FOR A SISTA! :(

I feel ya, soror! :D

Honestly
 

I would like to say that I could wait, but let me be honest I GOT NEEDS!!! It's really easy to sit here and say that anyone would wait for there true love but it's not always the case. I could never look at a women that I desire and be in a relationship whereas she doesn't want to share herself with me. It would seem that most of you that are holding out are waiting for a commitment. It's more of a TRUST issue. If you are truly in love with someone and have dedicated your ENTIRE self to him, I cannot undertand you not wanting to share your most intimate and precious part of your love with him. (barring a medical situation) By doing that it seems that YOU are not fully commited to that relationship both emotionally and physically.

Just something to think about.

Re: Honestly
 

Dexter, I appreciate your honesty. My reason for wanting to be celibate has nothing to do with trust. Understand, I would love to totally commit myself to the right man, however, if I did I would be fornicatin and I don't want to go down that path any more. So Dexter, what if the woman was practicing celibacy for spiritual reasons, would you be able to wait then?

If 'X' is practicing celebacy, that has nothing to do with "Y"
 

"Each individual has there own things they want in their relationship. I personally want a monogomous sexual relationship. Therefore, I can't give her what she's looking for in a relationship (not totally) nor can she give me all that I want in the relationship. Since we don't put people in situations that will lead to them doing some things we don't want to do, the best thing (if it was myself and the lady who wants to stay non-sexual) would be to just remain friends and look elsewhere for the relationship person who wants 'the same thing out of the relationship that we do'.

ergo.. the non-celebate person (male/female) should seek out a person (male/female) practicing celebacy as well.

It would cause tension to try to force someone trying to be celebate to be sexual.. AND VICE-VERSA.. At that point, each individual can't totally satisfy the needs of the other...

Well said Swamp. Find he or she who fits your needs.

Exactly!!!
 

Delph998,

Swamp thing answered your question with the exact response I was going to give you. I would absolutley respect her decision and not want to be the person trying to force her to change her beliefs. Let's just be friends until we are at the point in our lives where we both want the same thing in a relationship. Basically we can be friends until I decide to Marry her or just continue to be friends.

Dexter & Swamp Thing,

I appreciate your honesty on the matter!

Re: Honestly
 

Everyone has needs... male and female! I agree that it boils down to a "trust" issue. But the question is who should and shouldn't be trusted?

I don't mean to generalize but the majority of men these days will say anything to get some. "Hit & Runs" didn't die out in the 90s...

If a woman doesn't trust that she can give herself to a man and that he will respect her worth... then she has the right to say "Not until I am sure where this is going." If the guy loves her... he will respect that.

From what I have observed... some women tend to think that by giving a man sex (when he deems it necessary) will keep him. They think "If I do this then he won't cheat because he is getting it all at home- no need to go else where." It saddens me when women fall prey to this mis-conception.

For a woman to stand her ground and say "Hey, I want to take this slow... if you love me... then you will wait for me" that takes a lot of strength.

Trust that when ya'll be kissing on our neck and stuff... we get hot, too :D There are several ways to please your significant other without having sexual intercourse. And if a woman chooses not to engage in those activities- so be it.

As Swamp Thang stated... if two individuals want two different things (especially when the situation at hand is something as serious as sex) then maybe they should try to find someone who wants the same out of the relationship.

Sex complicants things- especially when deep emotions are invovled. When two people engage in a sexual relationship there is a lot at risk. As my mother said to me, " There are far worse things out there today to worry about than getting pregnant."

Don't lie to yourself or to the other person if you know that a relationship "without" intimacy isn't what you want.

Re: Re: Honestly
 

I agree with you. It does take alot of character and stregnth to stand firm on your beliefs. My question is how long should his sincerity be on trial? What 2 months, 6 months, a year, two years? How long should my sincerity be on trial? If I'e dedicated myself to you fully then you should know. As far as the hit and run....Some women shouldn't be so hot in the pants to give it up. C'mon women can tell what a guys character is like within the first week of dealing with him. If he walks like a dog and barks like a dog, then guess what? He is a dog.

I feel that if you love someone you would be willing to wait for them. I appreciate the brothas being honest, but you don't NEED sex.Trust me, your body will function quite properly without it.Don't let sex be an addiction or something you feel you just have to have.In 2002, it could lead to your demise.

How long to wait to have sex?...
 

Is one of the oldest unanwered questions in the history of male/femlae relationships. There is no appropriate time or situation. My thoughts are to be open an honest and play by your own rules! What work for the last guy/girl may not work with the next. Some situations are just so right that you feel very comfortable from the start, and others take some time to develop!

Personally, I love it when a woman tells me that she is not going to sleep with me until x, y, and z happen; CHALLENGE!!! And I always win!

You are right, sex shouldn't be an addiction. But if you are in a relationship, it is something personal and intimate between the two of you. Ask yourself what exactly is sex. It's the act of becoming one with someone else. When do you think it is time to share your whole self with your significant other. Basically I think womenshould stand on whatever belifs they have as far as sex is concerned. But I'm just saying be honest about why you are or aren't doing it. Telling a man, " we should move slow" is just another way of saying," I don't fully trust you right now, but give me some to let you earn my trust.

Re: Re: Re: Honestly
 

Why do you refer to it as being on trial??? A test of faith, patience, or stamina through subjection to suffering or temptation is a trial.... Yes, you may be tempted to engage in sexual activities and you may even feel that you are suffering... however, if you are "truly sincere" and you understand and respect your lady's wishes then you will not feel like you are on trial! Women don't just hold back because we don't have anything else better to do and we aren't trying to make you miserable on purpose.

As Fato said... "How long should you wait is one of the oldest unanwered questions in the history of male/femlae relationships."

If we give it up too fast then we are "hot in the pants"... if we decide to wait a while then we are "putting ya'll on trial and making ya'll suffer" :confused:

And as Neciy81 said... you don't NEED sex!

It will not shrivel up and die if it isn't being used for a hot minute :rolleyes: And contrary to popular belief... it won't grow cobbwebs ;)

Once again... if two individuals want two different things (especially when the situation at hand is something as serious as sex) then maybe they should try to find someone who wants the same out of the relationship.

Now I will agree with you on this... Honesty is the best policy.

I am not the one to bite my tongue... if I have my doubts and I don't trust a man- I will tell him "I don't trust you- therefore you aren't getting any"

But just because a woman says "we should move slow" doesn't always mean that she doesn't trust a man. She may be inexperienced when it comes to relationships or she may have just removed herself from a relationship and needs time to get herself together.

how about this
 

"I feel that if you love someone you would be willing to wait for them"

That statement is as unfair as the vica-versa of the statement that Men have used for years (which is)

I feel that if you LOVE ME, you would be willing to HAVE SEX for them...

In both situations, it's unfair for your partner to have to sacrafice a major part of what they want in a relationship because of what you want.
-------------------------------

Personally... (ex) I want my 1st child to be my wife's 1st child as well... So, I don't date (with the exceptions of just outings) women who have a child(ren). And I do that so that I stay in line with what I desire. I also want to be in a : monogomous sexual relationship that may lead toward marriage. Therefore, it would make no sense to show a committment to someone who's looking for a platonic monogomous relationship. And it would definitely be wrong to try to 'pressure her' do something that she doesn't want to do.

IN THAT SAME LIGHT.. it's wrong to try to pressure someone to be monogomous if that's not the relationship THEY WANT (man or woman)...

Y'all should just find someone who's on the same road as you are. I know there are plenty of Black Single Women who're looking for a monogomous sexual relationship just like I am... So, that's a person whom I'll look for and be with.

The people (Men or Women) who're looking for a platonic relationship should do the same...

Re: how about this
 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Swamp Thang
"I feel that if you love someone you would be willing to wait for them"

That statement is as unfair as the vica-versa of the statement that Men have used for years (which is)

I feel that if you LOVE ME, you would be willing to HAVE SEX for them...


That statement is selfish at best. If you do love her, you WILL wait. If not, then why did you pursue a relationship with her in the first place?You can't tell me that a person should stifle her beliefs to satisfy your horniness. That doens't make sense at all.What about religious beliefs?She should love God more than you?*shaking head at you*

[/B] You're right it's the act of becoming one with someone.But not just "someone", but someone you love and it's also the act of becoming one PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.Ask yourself how much emphasis, you place on sex in a relationship.Here's a question for you.Think about someone you are attracted to sexually. Ask yourself would you engage in intercourse with her. Of course , the answer is going to be yes.Let's say she you lived in California and she lived in New York. Let's say she was stranded and she wanted you to pick her up.Would you drive to go get her?Your answer is no right?That's how much you value a sexual relationship over a person in general.

don't try to fit a sQUarE block into a round hole
 

it's the same selfish statement you're making Neicy if you know the person YOU might be pursuing wants a sexual relationship and you're deny'n them that...

It's not a matter of selfishness... It's a matter of doing what you want to make you happy.

(2) Why can't she be pursuing me?

(3) I would pursue her until I find out that she wants a platonic relationship... at that point, I'd inform her of what I want out of a relationship and that I wish her well on her QUEst... but, I'm not the Man for her.. and that we could, of course, just be platonic friends and don't pursue any romance.

(4) My statements say.. find what you want.. Don't try to make someone else do something they don't want to do. So, instead of being in a unhappy situation and trying to 'TALK' somebody into being sexual/abstinent, just get with somebody who's on the same groove you're on.... it's that easy..

another thought
 

"you don't NEED sex! "

Who said this topic was about need?

You don't need a Cadillac truck either... but you might want one !!

This is about what each individual wants. I don't pay anyones bills on hear, so I won't be telling anybody how to live their live..

This is the key to happiness:

List the things you like and want to do...

Don't lie to yourself...

Don't list anything that others would like for you to do (if it's not in line with what you want to do)

And do those things... and you'll be happy

(2) Nobody has all the answers.. we all live, love and learn from our past experiences.. There's an old, crude saying.. YOU CAN'T TURN A HOE INTO A HOUSEWIFE (of course, you can if you want too.. but it's the meaning behind it)..

Why try to date a muslem if you're a Jewish person...?
Why date a steak lover if you're a vegatarian...?
Why try to have a platonic relationship with someone who doesn't wan't one when you could have one with someone who does?

If the two of us decide that we want to be in a relationship, that means that we are both willing to accept one another for whatever! I personally would accept my girl's decision to remain celibate. This is showing her that I respect her, want to be with her, and truly care about her feelings/beliefs. The problem with sex nowadays is that people take it for granted. Patience is a virtue. If all of that was too complicated for you, think about this old addage that is applicable to everything in life:

"Every good thing is worth waiting for".

Peace:cool:

Well Said http://www.plaudersmilies.de/happy/xyxthumbs.gif

[QUOTE]Originally posted by neicy81

Quote:

Originally posted by Swamp Thang "I feel that if you love someone you would be willing to wait for them" That statement is as unfair as the vica-versa of the statement that Men have used for years (which is) I feel that if you LOVE ME, you would be willing to HAVE SEX for them... That statement is selfish at best. If you do love her, you WILL wait. If not, then why did you pursue a relationship with her in the first place?You can't tell me that a person should stifle her beliefs to satisfy your horniness. That doens't make sense at all.What about religious beliefs?She should love God more than you?*shaking head at you*

I agree that sex should not be the primary, utmost defining factor in a relationship, and that people do not "NEED" sex. It is possible to remain celibate--I have. But, you have to respect the ideals of others. If a man says he needs sex for the relationship to be fulfilling, then that's his opinion and instead of being upset or angry the woman should not try to change him--she should move on. Neicy, what you just said, turned around, could be used to justify a man's asking for sex. The way you are putting it trivializes some people's views about sex. Not everyone views sex as an act to satisfy their impulses. Many people view sex as an intergral part of a romantic relationship, an act that brings both people in the relationship closer together--and thus not a trivial act bestowed upon any old person walking down the street.

I commend you on being able to respect the woman's decision. There aren't enough men in the world like you. However, not every person feels the way you do about sex. Therefore, it is foolish to presume that one can change a person or persuade them to agree with how they feel about sex. Your argument about sex, can be used to support the opposing side of the issue. Let's say, for example, that you wanted to have sex and your girlfriend did not. You could say that your girlfriend is not respecting your feelings/beliefs.

It's a matter of what Swamp Thing has stated: Look for a person that is compatible with your beliefs and practices, and respect one another's decisions. I would respect a man if they did as Swanp Thing would and straight out said that we should just be friends and respected my decison, rather than attempting to force me to change. As you said, "every good thing is worth waiting for", so if a person's partner wnats to have sex and you don't, for example, then that person needs to "wait on God" to bring them the person who is right for them.

Re: don't try to fit a sQUarE block into a round hole
 

So a person should put you before God
???ROTFLMAO!

Re: another thought
 

Maybe it's just me, somebody tell me if it is, but is sex really that important?

Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship, but it's not the only part. The vibe that I'm getting from Swamp Thing and Dexter, (not putting words in your mouths), is that sex is a deal breaker. I just can't understand that. I know it feels good, but to me it's not that important.

If I found a man that I really like and really want to be with and he said that he wanted to wait, I would have no problem with that. And, it's not just because I am celibate right now. If I see a future with you and I feel like you might be the one, then to throw that all away over sex seems petty to me. If I want to be with you, that means I am looking to develop a meaningful relationship with you. I want to share in your joys, and help you through your hardships. I want to know you on every level. And that includes on a sexual level. But, sex takes a backseat to me.

I have to ask the men who say that they wouldn't want to wait a question. What would you do if you could only have a relationship with one of two women. The first has absolutely everything that you want, need, and desire in a woman, but she is not willing or ready to have sex with you. The second has absolutely no redeeming qualities but she will give you all of the baby-less, disease-less sex that you want. Neiher of these women will ever change. You have to spend the rest of your life with whomever you choose. Which one is it going to be?

Classy Lady
 

The question you pose is kinda unfair because you can have your cake and eat it too.. You don't have to settle for less to have what you want in a relationship.

There is no right answer for everybody on this subject. Only what is the right answer for you and your walk through life .

We are all posting to add our incite to the 'could you wait' question. We've had many different and good views. Let's continue to be constructive and respect each others viewpoints and be callus to one whose views might not be the same as yours.

my bad.. my responce
 

"The first has absolutely everything that you want, need, and desire in a woman, but she is not willing or ready to have sex with you. "

If she does not want a monogomous, sexually active relationship that leads toward marriage, then she doesn't have everything I desire and need in a Woman .

I have many female platonic friends... and we all like people who we have fun with / vibe with / etc. Every male - female relationship doesn't have to lead toward matrimony. As stated in an earlier post, I'd continue the platonic friendship (y'all know there is also a thing called the 'special friendship' ie: booty buddy {keeping it real LOL}) and look elsewhere for the lady who fits the criteria I want for a relationship.

(note: All these things are open to change... If a time comes when my desires are to become celebate.. or that my platonic friend feels that she wants to become intimate, then we could always reevaluate our feelings for each other and if we want to try kickin' it as an item.. ):)