Rushing/joining but ugly?
 

Long story short and hopefully this doesn't get deleted.

I'm honestly concerned.

I'm ugly. No girls want to associate with me at all. I'm worried how this will affect any formals/events that fraternities hold where you bring a date since I won't be able to bring a date. As well I won't be chatting up or getting girls at parties.

How bad will this be? Should I avoid certain houses during rush? Will they make fun of me?

If this is for real, please seek counseling. You sound like your lack of self esteem is seriously preventing you from enjoying life.

Not only that, everyone has different tastes. One woman's The Thing is another woman's Channing Tatum.

I agree with 33girl. The problem isn't external, it's internal. No fraternity is going to extend a bid to a sad sack, and your lack of self-esteem is going to stand out way more during rush than your looks.

Formals weren't mandatory at my chapter, that I can recall. And dates weren't required either. I would invite a friend vs. a date, someone you'll have a good time with that can appreciate you for who are and not who you aren't.

The beauty of college is it's your time to reinvent yourself. Get a new haircut, get rid if the acne, improve your wardrobe, get braces, whatever it is that makes you think you are unattractive.

And as far as the girls, they are likely running away from desperation, not an ugly nose. For now just be nice to the girls you encounter. Don't try to ask them out and don't get sucked into doing stuff for them (that NEVER works to make an actual relationship). Get some counseling and work on building male friendships. The stuff with girls will come with time and improved confidence.

An empahtic yes to what the other posters have mentioned already. Also work on your interpersonal skills you might not be Channing Tatum, or Matthew McConaughey, building your interpersonal skills will make up for what you feel like is physically lacking as far as looks. And please, please talk to someone about how you're feeling. I get the issue might run deeper. Best of luck on what ever you decide as far as rushing.

It's always been fascinating to me that the range of male physical appearance most women find attractive, interesting, sexy, marriageable, bed-able -- is so wide and diverse as to be almost indefinable. Look at some of the couples you see... there is often no rhyme or reason to their physical match-up. There are men that I find incredibly appealing that the world would call ugly. It comes down to those transcendent aspects of personality, humanity, spark, humor and confidence.

Find yourself in your passions, studies, interests and genuine care for others and women will find you. If your feelings persist, you might want to talk to someone. Good luck!

This - and please don't be nice to them FOR the sake of asking them out, and don't assume that because you're nice to them, you deserve to date them. Be nice to them to be a friend. Through building friendships, you will find you will develop confidence and self-esteem and will meet people who can and will be potential dates. But don't be a "nice guy" and then turn on them once you realize they're not interested in you romantically. Be a friend for the sake of being a friend.

That turned into a soapbox. Sorry, postplatter.

Okay- this guy originally posted last night. I happened to see it and called "troll" because he used a term for himself that hasn't been used since the 1950s-60s. I asked a mod to delete the original thread.

If this is true, this person has more than just self-esteem problems. He has some serious psychological problems. I know folks are being kind right now. But if you had seen the original thread, you would be choosing to ignore him.

Now I want to guess what the term is. Drip, perhaps?

But even if this is 100% troll, I think it's a thread and situation that maybe someone could learn from who doesn't have the courage to post.

THIS. I saw it and your response and I agree(d). And in the current thread he used "chatting up" which tripped my ear (that's Speech Pathology talk) b/c linguistically it's not something young American males say. My thought is that this is still a troll.

side note: I came back to check on AgSis and a few other recruitment stories. My thought is that AgSis is way too busy with classes and enjoying her membership to finish her story. And I think the others may not have had happy endings so they have dropped out entirely. Again, just my thought.

The reason I chose to respond anyway is because there may be others who read this thread and can benefit from a little maternal or paternal advice about how to be dateable. Every woman here has had THAT guy after her. And probably all of us have seen THAT guy transform. Sadly, the biggest transformation I saw also turned the guy into a huge douche because he wasn't prepared for the change in attention he got, practically over night. It is tragically common for 18 year old boys to be awkward, still growing into their bodies, or have made the transition into looking like a grown up attractive guy but it's not who they're seeing in the mirror (dysmorphia isn't just for girls). Just ease up on the pressure, be the person people want to be around and go from there.

And as far as using odd turns of phrase, that could go right along with him being, to be rude and utterly blunt, a big ole dork. Which winds us back to work on yourself first, THEN work on getting girls. Or it could be that he's not a native American English speaker.

LOL, well, look at us being referred to as "kind". The other site typically refers to us as, "the old biddies on GC" and Helicopter Mommies call us "mean".

Instead of multi-quoting on mobile which is a pain I'll respond via one post.

I'm not a troll.

I'm serious in that I'm ugly. I'm older (22) and won't be growing into my looks anymore. I take care of my looks extensively, like whitening my teeth, skin care, haircuts, eye brow threading, and working out. As for what makes me ugly it's unfixable unless I opt for a copious amount of surgery to a degree of like $40k. I have even thought about doing it- but if I rushed i would stay in school and use the money on dues.
But, it's gone as far as girls telling me I'm ugly and rating me a 3/10. I'd post everything it'd be a huge story and a sob story at that.

I want to rush to make friends, do volunteer work, and get the networking that comes from being in a fraternity. I'd love to be around actual people I can count on and get along with doing things I like. I can talk to guys just fine. However, I just know guys don't want a guy who cant get girls at all or a guy who gets made fun of for his looks by girls. That and it'd be disheartening hearing them tell me its a GAD or something. Could only imagine being at a party and hearing guys/girls talk about why I'm never talking to girls.

If I could simply avoid all the parties/events/etc involving the sororities I would. But that doesn't seem realistic, haha.



So, I'm just asking for advice on whether or not rushing would even be worth it?


As for my vocab that was called into question, it's just how I speak and type.

Define "worth it." Meeting new people? Joining? What would be "worth it" to you?

OP you seem to want genuine brotherhood, there have to be others out there on your campus who feel the same way. Hopefully there is a special chapter out there who offers the type of brotherhood you're looking for. Don't be discouraged, push through and look for the right chapter.

OP, not to change the subject but I mean this with all sincerity, does your campus offer free counseling sessions? If they do, I think you should take advantage. It sounds like you have pretty serious confidence issues possibly stemming from the things other people have said/your long story, and some insecurity when it comes to getting involved as well. I had low self esteem which kept me from getting involved, and talking to someone really helped. :)

Maybe you're at a particularly superficial campus, but all I have to say is that I know plenty of fraternity men who most certainly were not chosen for their looks or ability to win over girls. You will never know until you try.

I do recommend counseling, along with getting involved with volunteering for a cause that moves you, whether it's on campus or off.
When you're thinking about other people you have a lot less time to think about yourself.

You need to just get out of your own way and not obsess over what a few shallow and nasty girls have said.

I'll try to answer in one post again.

I guess making the best of my college experience - I already lost 2 years being a junior now and much older than most and it sucks. I mentioned before but I want to make good friends, people I can count on and do things I like with. I'd like to do volunteer work, and get the networking that comes from being in a fraternity as well. Plus, hopefully by getting in the right house, I am pushed to better myself; developing better social skills, networking skills, higher grades, etc.

So if I could do that, it'd be worth it to me. However, I'm concerned about my looks pretty much ruining any chance at that. Especially since a lot of events would involve interacting with girls that just don't want to be around me/talk to me at all. But at the same time, guys don't want to be around a guy who is ugly and can't get girls.

Yeah, I'll admit some of it is confidence issues and a lot of really embarrassing issues (won't derail the thread with those) and I've looked into going to counseling. But my school only offers 1 free session and I think they refer me to someone who will cost $$ that I simply don't have. But honestly, like I said before, it'd ($) be better used on something like plastic surgery since my issues stem from my looks. But I appreciate the genuine advice!


My campus, at least I don't think, is not extremely superficial. It wasn't only a few girls- it's the majority and to be honest I don't think they're shallow its just how it works. I used to volunteer and think I might go and do it again but just need to find something I like. Yeah, I tried to put myself out there and go to a rush thing yesterday but it turned out terrible...(below)


Story time: It's long and pretty much made it this way to include enough details

So I was called by a rush chair at one of the houses to come by and tour. I looked up their facebook page and saw a lot of the events they put on. I managed to convince myself instead of getting depressed about how often they networked with sororities it was probably a good thing given they do a lot of philanthropy type events. (i could try and get my first hug too! lol).

Anyway, I decided to go. I met the person and he seemed nice enough. Showed me some of the house, seemed to get along with him, said hi and talked to a few other members. Turned out some guys were in my major which made me like the house a lot more bc I had some other connection with them. The only parts that I didn't like were the part about doing summer live in (pretty self explanatory), the fact that I didn't get along with everyone (but that's just bound to happen right?), and the rush chair/guys mentioned girls coming to parties and partying with sororities a few times, plus talked about how they did things like formals (only made me feel terrible because I knew they expected me to be able to bring girls, etc). Other than that it seemed like an ok place.

But then at the point of the tour in the living room, some girls were there and on my way to the kitchen I just overheard "you guys aren't seriously letting him join? look at him" followed by laughing/giggling
at that point i just told the rush chair i had a late lab, went home and fell back into a cycle of having girls rate my looks online which only made me feel worse.


Anyway, as pathetic as my experience sounds, I think it just shows what I was talking about earlier. And sorry to post this kind of stuff on the forum, I just really wanted to get advice about rushing with terrible looks and after the experience I think it solidifies what I was thinking.

Its just a bummer :/ but it is what it is.

Sorry about the wall of text. Again, also sorry about the pathetic posts - I'll try to stop posting about this kind of stuff.
Thanks for the advice and help so far.

Please talk to someone, there might be programs on your campus where graduate/doctoral students in counseling and therapy see patients on a supervised basis. I feel badly for you that you are having such a hard time. As a teacher, I know that teens can be cruel. But I also know there are good ones out there, too. Find your group. Have you looked into organizations that do philanthropy work, service organizations? Set up a community service project within your major, if it's a large one. At my alma mater, the business school offers community service projects such as working for Habitat for Humanity. I feel like something like this would be good for you, on several fronts: make new friends, do something positive for your community, make you feel good about yourself, add a line or two to your resume, etc. Whatever you decide to do, please take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

On another note, you keep mentioning plastic surgery. If you really feel like it would help out physically and emotionally, check it out. There are financing options. There are also university hospitals who do surgeries as teaching opportunities. Depending on the extent, you might be able to have it done over a school break. You keep mentioning it, so I think the decision is weighing heavily on you. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to make it through. Best wishes you OP.

I was legitimately on the fence, but this is some Sweet Valley High fan fiction BS right here.

I will def. try to find out about the counseling. But, don't feel bad at all, it's just how it goes.
I've tried to email some additional clubs/orgs to get responses but I haven't heard anything from them.

Yeah, i keep mentioning it but I'm on the fence. I want it to have a better life, but at the same time, people wouldn't even like me for me and the money issue. How do I find out about teaching opportunity surgeries?

Thanks for all the help and being so nice about it :)


Believe it or not, its your choice I'm simply putting down what I experienced and it's nothing out of the ordinary from what I've experienced before.

I have never heard of a school that limits counseling sessions for full-time students.

Plastic surgery is not going to help what ails you.

What other organizations did you look into? I would post on their Facebook page in addition to emailing - emails aren't always updated on the school website.

PP, if you're that bothered by your looks, I'd go for the surgery (and counseling like the others have said). Looking good on the outside can help you feel better on the inside and the reverse. I don't know what's so 'wrong' with your looks. I'm sure you don't have horns and a forked tail. :)

Also, never forget that confidence is very sexy and so is a sense of humor.

They offer a one time free meeting. Then if they decide counseling is needed they refer you to someone or it might be referral if they feel that the issues can't be helped by them. If they think they can help I think those are the free sessions at the school itself.

I feel like plastic surgery could help. I think it would start getting me more positive attention and it'd help being at least average looking. It's just so expensive and the time I'd be "out" for would just push school back.

My school has a philanthropy org I emailed. I emailed a red cross chapter close by, and the rest was just other interests like the lifting club and snow sports club on campus. Then isk mentioned habitat for humanity and I just emailed the chapter on campus. I only use facebook to "creep" on pages like the fraternity or stuff. I don't actually use it/have an activate account. I could if it would help getting in touch with the clubs tho.






Well, I am bothered by them a lot. I have a big nose that is curved (Adrien Brody's nose x2), big ears that stick out, and a recessed/weak jaw - that's what's wrong with my looks. I've gotten plenty of comments on these terrible features. Some people go as far as saying if I had a smaller straight nose and smaller ears I'd be kinda ok looking. I'm inclined to agree with that and I'm sure if you saw my face it'd be a similar agreement.
But fixing everything would mean at least 6-8 months of basically doing nothing + 40k. Part of me thinks do it now and come back to school for a potentially good last year of college but then again I'll just be older and out a ton of money.

Sorry about how off-topic my posts have been and how big of a trainwreck this thread has manifested into. But I appreciate all the advice and how nice everyone is considering how often I'm crying on here. So, thanks for all that. :)



I guess I may as well just delete my application/profile for rush and go ahead and text the rush chair from the house I went to that I won't attend any other events and won't be able to continue rushing.

Wait, what? Like Tinder? That App can be absolutely toxic if you don't have thick skin, and you should probably stop that ASAP. Sorry, I'm trying not to be insensitive, but if you know that you're self-conscious, why would you beat yourself up by asking girls to rate you? That seems counter to everything you should be doing by cutting the negative things out of your life.

I also second getting involved on campus - join Habitat for Humanity, join a gaming club, learn badminton or raquetball, join a sports club on-campus, get people to appreciate you for your other talents and qualities, not your looks. You can't really avoid girls, as they are 50% of the population, but if you find yourself interacting, don't be defensive. Be polite, but don't feel as if you are compelled to engage in witty conversation or that you HAVE to talk to them for a long period of time. A lot of times nervousness and overeagerness comes off as weird or creepy. Just what it is.

Good luck!

A nose job shouldn't cost that much and usually only takes a week of taking it easy. I dunno how much ear surgery goes or how long the recovery is, but I have a friend who (and pretty much her whole fam) had her ears pinned and I don't think it was that crazy of a recovery. I didn't know her at the time, but she openly talks about it. I have another friend who had a chin implant and she recovered pretty quick. I guess cost can vary from the area of the country you're in.

Def avoid Tinder and crap like that. As someone else suggested, are their psych grad/PhD students who do counseling gratis or deeply discounted?

There are lots of women who find big noses sexy. I think Adrien Brody is hot. How is your hair? If you grow it over your ears and it has body or curls in it, it'll counter the ears and jaw.

If you're still interested in this fraternity and they are still inviting you to things, why on earth would you quit? You're making fraternity men out to be shallow people who care about nothing but girls and reputation, and while there are some chapters like that, the majority aren't.

And yes stay the HELL off Tinder or anything like it or any dating sites. They are the worst things ever created.

As far as ears, KISS's Paul Stanley originally grew his hair long to hide his ears. He's had no probs getting women. ;)

Sparkling personalities usually trump dazzling looks. Maybe not in college, but in the real world. Develop your personality. Listen to people-genuinely listen. Act interested even if you are not. Ask folks about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. Many popular people have a better personality than looks.

Tinder is basically how it works though. Attraction based off looks first and the "tinder effect" is pretty evident irl. Most girls are on tinder as it is - I was on there for 2+ years and didn't match. I'm not using it anymore because yeah, that and all online dating was so depressing. It sucks because its how you meet when you're not apart of a ton of social things and most people are on there.

No, I legitimately meant rating. I pretty much made a gig on places like fiverr/other sites and shelled out $40 to get my looks rated on a scale of 1-10 and asked whether I could even be attractive. I said I basically spiraled back into old habits and know it's not good for me but I pretty much was feeling terrible last night. And as embarrassing as it is, and yes I know its a extremely bad/dumb thing to do and probably a issue I spend so much time day dreaming about looking like certain people its ridiculous.

I don't feel compelled to talk to them in a certain way or for a certain length of time. I figure I can get by with just a simple hi or small introduction though. I'd rather not upset or annoy them. Yup, I'm trying to get involved I emailed the clubs. I think the lifting club meets early in the mornings so I'll head over there and hopefully catch a few of the guys




A nose job would be about $10k up to $15k depending on the surgeon. Ear pinning and size reduction would be around $5k. So I'd shell out $15k for that and probably be out for a week to two before getting back into it. Then I'd be out for a good 4-5 before doing real physical stuff. I might just schedule it over winter break, cancel the trip, and finance it though. There's no point in having a shitty college experience/life because of it.

The only real lengthy one is jaw surgery. They cut into the jaw, slide it, and screw it into a new position. The recovery is something like a few months before feeling ok I think.

Yup, like I said I deleted all that when I realized I wasn't going to be successful at all on them. I'm not sure about the grad/phd students but it's something I can probably find out since I'll have to book my first apt anyway. (prob will do tomorrow)



My hair looks really bad when it's long. It's wavy and dries out. I get it cut short and usually go to a decent salon and ask the person to cut it to whatever he/she thinks looks good on me. Adrien has a nice jaw and his nose isn't terrible on him.

Lol, third times the charm, staying off tinder noted.





It's not really 100% about getting women. It's just how I'm seen or how my interactions go including around guys. I totally get I can't make dirty jokes, certain comments, or act a certain way due to my looks that someone else could get away with. I get I can't really talk about women since most guys would call my bs. I also know how hard I'd get judged for failing to bring girls out or finding a GAD if I even managed to get into a house. It'd also be nice not to get a disgusted look every once in a while or go at least a few weeks without hearing something about my looks - probably my fault since I'm doing dumb stuff like rates or going to a bar or trying to get involved.
The part about getting women - yeah i'd be really nice to be able to take a girl out or go to a dance since it's something I've wanted to do since hs. And it'd be crazy nice to hear someone say I was desirable or decent looking, but i've said before, it is what it is.





Yeah I know personality matters. I totally agree, especially in the work force. Being confident and assertive takes you places. I wanted to work on it and it was one of the reasons I wanted to join a fraternity to develop better social skills.



Thanks
and I keep on posting walls of texts sorry :/