What you learned from dating that has made you a better partner
 

This should be self explanatory . . . its designed for us to say what we have learned and put into effect (not just theory) that makes us a better partner.

Instead of harping on what is wrong with everyone else. Which other threads seem to do.

Edited to add

There have been several threads on the deficiencies of EX's. ITs funny to see that most people seem to have no trouble finding fault with others and saying what they think the others should do differently . . but don't seem to have learned much that apply to their behaviors . . or are expressing it.

Which may be the reason they have to to post about their problems, a lack of relationship skills.

Don't lie. About anything. Ever.

I was going to say, "don't date someone who has no respect for your opinions," but that's not positive, is it!

I do have a bad temper. I've learned that when I'm upset, it's best to just be alone and quiet for a while rather than talking to them about it. My anger will pass, but if the issue is real it will remain and we can talk about it when I'm calmer rather than saying things I don't mean and will regret.

Communication is key, but you have to understand that people communicate differently.

I learned to apoligize. That's a hard one for me.

Communication, Communication, Communication, and also to give and take !!

I think the most important thing is not to take anything for granted. You don't when things will change and be sure to appreciate the other person for who they are and who they want to be. Also, if you are a girl... always let a guy feel special... don't make him feel too special and don't let him treat you bad but every guy is unique so don't stereotype him. Also, don't use past experiences with new people i mean never try to reciporcate something that didn't work out!

IT can be negative but it has to be negative about you . . . and then turn it into a lesson for all of us:).

Show them that you do love them and care for them.
I have a difficult time showing affection so I can come off as being unaffectionate and cold. It takes me a while to be comfortable to show someone how I feel and I end up hurting them in the process. So, I learned to let my partner know how I feel no matter how difficult it is for me.

Never lower your standards.

i've learned to be honest, to apologize, and to love with all my heart and mind.

If you feel like you should end it, do it clean and quick, and don't talk yourself out of it.

Don't lie. It's wayyy too hard to keep track of all of those silly fibs.

Being told "I love you" or saying it first thing in the morning is a wonderful way to wake up from a dream.

There have been several threads on the deficiencies of EX's. ITs funny to see that most people seem to have no trouble finding fault with others and saying what they think the others should do differently . . but don't seem to have learned much that apply to their behaviors . . or are expressing it.

Here are some for me:

I have learned that when a girl is telling me about her problems, she is usually venting and doesn't want a strategy on solving it. I should be supportive and emotional about it.

I have learned that love in a relationship is a verb even more than a feeling. So I need to learn how the girl needs love expressed to her. I may not think holidays and special events are important to me, but if they are to her, its important I recognize that and react accordingly. Otherwise I am not showing her love in a way she can relate to . . . talk, all alone, is cheap.

I have learned that verbally expressing how I feel is vitally important. People are not mind readers. Plus I need to say it in a way that she understands.

I have learned that while stuttering incoherence when expressing feelings can be endearing . . . eloquence is beautiful and appreciated.

I have learned that in an argument winning is sometimes losing, even if I am a better arguer or have a superior position.

I have learned to NEVER threaten the relationship because I am unhappy (only morons do it). Never use breaking up as a negotiation tool. Even if the person bends to your will they will secretly resent you. Also, a broken chain isn't as strong when fixed . . . and passion dampened by defensiveness and pain never springs to life with its former intensity.

I have learned that my girlfriend is not responsible for my bad moods, things I am touchy about, hang-ups, my lack of sleep or stress, and she should not be victimized by these things. They are my problem. And every time I inflict that shit on her I weaken the relationship. So i.e. its ok to come home and say i have had a bad day, apologize and tell her why (even emotionally) but its not ok to be short and/or nasty with her because of it.

I have learned to "Fake it till I make it" which means even if I don't feel like doing the right thing sometimes . . I do it anyway.

I have learned that generally people forget respect and manners the closer and more intimate they become . . . this is a MISTAKE. The closer and more intimate we become the more important manners and respect become.

I have learned that belching and farting (especially at meals) NEVER become funny just because she loves you.

I have learned that the busier I am the MORE time I should take to schedule time with the girl I adore. But I shouldn't tell her I am scheduling her . . . lol

I have learned that frequent small gifts make more of an impact than infrequent large ones.

I have learned to say I am sorry.

I have learned the importance of reassurance . . . i.e. Sometimes its important to start by telling your partner how much you care and cherish them, even if you are going to be critical.

I have learned to show up on time, smile, and laugh a lot.

I have learned that principles are important, but that stubborn pride kills relationships.

I have learned that win/win is everything in a relationship . . . if you are sacrificing a lot, you are not compromising you are victimizing yourself.

I have learned to have NO sympathy for people that stay in negative relationships longer than 6 months, unless they are in grade school.

I have learned never to stick a square peg into a round hole. Which means that even though there are a thousand ways to make a relationship work . . you shouldn't try to MAKE it.

I have learned that lying is VITAL ina relationship . . .

But I have learned that if you are going to place youself in situations where you have to weave some complicated web of deceit because you were stupid . . . well just don't go there.

I have SOOO many more. . . I'll post more later.

I've learned that a good man is hard to find.

Also, to find your soul mate who you love and who loves you in return is truly a blessing not to be taken lightly.

James: Awww...rock on, guy! You are ten steps ahead of many, many men out there.


And something you posted made me re-think what I posted earlier. Yes, lying can be ok. For instance, I DO NOT want to hear that the ex-gf was "wild in bed." It makes me feel inadequate. But lying about what you did last night? Baddd.....

I have also learned that if you want to date someone who is very similar to you, keep on loving the good, but be patient with the bad. Sometimes it's hard to deal with someone who reacts in the same negative way you might, but if you can see it as what it is, you learn a lot about yourself.

I have learned that I should date men my age, not too young and not too old. I need to date men who share my values and have similar goals. Trust, respect, and honesty are essential in a relationship. Also compliments are always nice if they are sincere. :D

Never live your life for someone else. Before long you'll look in the mirror and you won't be able to recognize the person staring back at you.

Don't push away all of your friends for your significant other. If you don't have friends, who are you going to turn to when you have a huge fight?

WOW!!! Some of these are great lessons!!! Sometimes despite how much the relationship/break up hurts the lessons we learn are much much more vaulable!!

I thought I would bump this back to the top .. . . surely some of the people that post the most about their problems have also learned effective strategies for improving their relationships?

No? Well that would explain a lot LOL . . .

James.....the things you have learned are all wonderful things to know and i am so impressed that guys can learn those things. Almost everything on your list were things i wanted my ex boyfriend to learn desperatley. Ive had many, many arguments over them...especially the ones having to do with respect and manners...it is so true...people tend to take each other for granted the longer they are with them...and respect is often the most damaging thing that goes away.

The belching/farting thing is so true....it is never funny...it is probabaly the biggest pet peeve of mine.

The part you wrote about girls venting made my heart skip a beat...my ex always used to try to solve my problem or tell me how to fix it...when most of the time i just wanted him to listen and give me a hug. Even when i told him that, he never really understood.

The small gift thing is also very true....id rather a guy buy me my favorite frappacino at starbucks than a fancy necklace...it just means more.

Anyway, you seem to have learned almost all the vital lessons there are on how to treat a girl...nice going!

ttt

I have learned that I don't have the time, energy or patience to deal with a relationship and therefore, have stopped dating altogether.

ETA: I've also become increasingly picky, which makes it even worse.

I learned my way down town.

How to open to someone, and when/where to say what. Yeah. Also, how to find a way to be there in right time.

I've learned that the following is SOOO true:

-Women have to love a few bad men to appreciate a good one.

-Always believe you deserve to be loved and someone out there is looking for you.

-Always talk things out...NEVER let something bother you inside.

-ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR WORTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've learned how to:

Smash harder and smash often(er).


Do you see the pattern?

Because it's all about the ern.

I've REALLY learned about giving and taking. How both need to do both, in order to suceed. You can always give.. and you can't always take. Each party needs to be able to give and take from their partner.

I know that might sound quite simplistic.. but I've learned that in the 3 months I've been living with my husband-to-be.

Also - that it really is not worth it to get upset about every little thing.






PS- James.. your long post with everything you have learned from 2002 was awesome. SO MUCH of it is true. :D

some shit doesn't always have to be discussed.

I've learned...
 

Not only does most of this go for dating but also marriage...

Pick your battles... Not everything is worth arguing about if it really is not a the "end of the world"... It may be valid to you, but you need to ask yourself will you stop breathing if you do not have what you want out of your relationship?

Never let a partner fill that "void" you think you need to fill that should be found inside yourself... Be independent to stand on your own if you have to. If you like window shopping at the mall every weekend and your significant other hates all shopping, then be able to fulfill that "void" by yourself and not require that the entire relationship hinges on your significant other's presence... Maybe sometimes, but not ALL THE TIME...

And the only huge expections you can place on anyone is yourself... It is unfair to place any kind of expection on someone else because you are basically setting yourself up for failure every time you do it.

And just sometimes, just go with the flow and have fun. Relationships should be ~95% fun even during the hard and bad times. If it is going to last, you have to be able to laugh about it--most of the time... Because if you cannot laugh about some of the hard and bad times, when they do come, then what will you have to look forward to in the memories from them or the lessons you must learn from them...