Cheating Men
 

I've always thought that folk cheat because they are not being satisfied in one way or another. Here lately, I regret to say that I have found myself in the very predicament that I loathe and detest. Women are always talking about men and cheating. I don't know if it is in a mans nature to cheat but I have found given the right set up, one can easily to be persuaded and tempted.

Just to clarify.......
 

So are you trying to say that it may not be in a man's nature to cheat but if a woman does her best she can pursuade a man to cheat and therefore it's the woman's fault if he does?

Ummmmm, Yes and No - I think it is more difficult for a man to resist the lure of a woman. Women can come on really strong and once they "put it in your face" so to speak, it is really "hard" not to respond. Although sad but true, women normally control their actions better than men - I think!

Also, while women are talking about the lack of commitment from men, many don't mind sleeping with someone that they know is trying to remain in a committed relationship. And for the brothers, i'm not saying this is an appropriate response but I can now appreciate how we get caught up in the wrong situation.

That is why you have to do your best to avoid those situations. Know your limitations........If you are in that situation as HARD as it may be walk away before the situation gets really HOT AND HEAVY! And if there is really someone out there that is making you feel like that then you may need to reconsider the relationship.

Sphinxpoet

The flip side
 

I think the main factor in men cheating is the attitude of entitlement that certain men have especially when they reach a certain status in society. It was almost a given that men like Micheal Jordan and Bill Clinton, (Even to a certain extent Jessie Jackson, Bill Cosby, Julius Earving, Magic Johnson, etc) would cheat because they were 'entitled' to cheat in their own minds and in the minds of many in society to a degree. But never say women like Oprah Winfrey can cheat, because of a double standard that exists between men and women (when men cheat, we are "studs", but when women cheat, they are 'sluts'). Also, women like men with confidence (on any level) and men with higher amounts of power and influence will definately exude confidence. Also with the perception of there being very few 'Good' black men out there, black women are more and more likely to "share" a man. I think these factors play into the high incidence of infidelity in our community.

But I do not think that men cannot control themselves. If we as men took responsibility for maintaining a committed relationship more seriously from the beginning, then I think we could resist the strongest of women's advances. I once had a friend from college marry a good friend of mine from high school. The friend from college (a man) was saying that he couldn't understand why his wife complained about him still going out on dates with other women:confused: . He said "She knows I'm coming home to her, so what's the problem?" as if he never really expected to remain faithful to his wife. I think men need to take commitment more seriously and more women need to respect a man's commitment to another woman. Just my opinion.
Blackwatch!!!!

Blackwatch,

I completely agree with you on this one! :)

Ronnie :D

It takes two to cheat. Often times neither party is totally innocent, meaning they both know that they are hurting someone. I think everyone has it in them to cheat, women are no more different than men. I don't care how committed you are in a relationship if you place yourself in situations that post a high temptation risk, it's hard for you to be "good." On the flip side though this has definitely changed as there seems to be a disturbingly growing number of "bad" girls than there are "good" girls out there...women were always thought to always stick with one man, and that only whores cheat and deal with several men at one time. Perhaps the shame or believed shame that people think it will bring upon them keeps them from misbehaving half the time, when they know that without these self imposed limitations they'd be all over the place buck wilding.

:eek: :confused: :( :confused: :confused: We must talk soon!!!!!
Houston We Have A Problem!:confused: :confused: :eek:

Sphinx said it best. It is hard, but the key is to remove yourself from as many compromising situations as possible. I refuse to blame my xy for falling short. As a man, if I cheat, then I am not a real man. Still, with all the distractions, it is almost too easy of a pitfall to fall into, so we have to fortify ourselves.

I get tired of all this men cheating crap and male bashing stuff going around. I've never cheated on a GF before I've been cheated on by 2 and of course I didn't get any sympathy. It was always the "What did you do to them?" response that I got. So I think it can go both ways. Another guy I knew had been married like 15 or 20 years and found out his wife had been cheating on him ever since they got married and they had 2 children. So all I can really say if, "You do the vice, you pay the price." If you're will to cheat be it man or woman then you shouldn't be in a relationship.


Koss28

I totally agree that men get a bad rap. Women are always saying "he this" and "he that!" I certainly am not advocating cheating is responsible for men or women. My point is I can now see more clearly how men are lured to other women. For me, I had no intention to start my marriage with this hanging over my head. The fact of the matter is that is was not emotional - - just timing and a physical thing. I'm not in love nor do I have any feelings for the young lady. She seduced me and at some point I just was not strong enough to resist. I'm sorry it happened. This experience has just been an eye opener for me. Clients and friends that talk of the issue of cheating normally get no sympathy from me but I now have first hand experience and realize that there can be contributing factors other than ones mate not satisfying him or her.

Okay enough of the excuses. Life is choices, life is consequences, life is self control.

Example, I work out and lift weights several times a week and try to eat healthy about 5 days a week. I do all this for health and appearance. Now there are times during those 5 days that I would love to eat junk or times when I don't feel like working out and just want to go home after work and sprawl out, however I have a choice to make. Do I (a) want to eat whatever I want and never lift a finger thus making me overweight or do I (b) use my self control and do what I need to do to have the result that will make me feel (and look) my best?

Same in cheating. Do you go for the quick thoughtless gratifying choice that will probably result in hurt feelings, anger, destruction, and a loss of something/someone important or do you use the self control God blessed us with to try and make sure that you are not intentionally hurting anyone.

Don't make excuses. People have to learn not to put themselves in tempting situations. And so what you may have to give up some things that YOU want to do so that your marriage can work. Again, life is choices. If having certain freedoms are more important than making a marriage last, then that's the choice one has to make.

My opinion is that marriages in this day and age don't last because everyone still wants to act just like they did when they were single. People today are just so damn selfish. I swear!! Always trying to justify why they messed up. People should just make it plain and simple and say, "At whatever moment I messed up, I was completely selfish, thought only of myself, my needs and my wants. At no time during my selfish moment did I stop to think about those that would be affected by my actions. I felt I had to do what I wanted to do regardless of how the people I love would want me to do otherwise or regardless of how they may be hurt."

What DST said is rough, but nevertheless true. We cannot make excuses for cheating. It is something we have to rise above, but i cannot get "holier-than-thou" with Professor. I don't know the circumstances, and it is too easy for me to say that I wouldn't make the same mistake, looking at whatever happened from the outside.
It only gets worse. I don't know what you happened between you and the young lady, nor is it my business, but the good thing is that you seem truly bothered by it. As a fellow man, I must ask: what are you gonna do about your significant other? Gonna 'fess up?
One thing I have to say is that myth of men being bigger or worse at infidelities than women is quickly being eroded.

I personally don't call people cheating a mistake. A mistake is when you grab the wrong keys for the car or something. Cheating is a conscious decision. You can't tell me that when people cheat they are not even for a quick moment thinking about the person they are cheating on. They just don't care enough to not go through with it.

No I have never cheated on my fiance or anyone else and never will. Of course there have been situations in the past where I could have but once I realized that situations had the potential to get out of hand for whatever reasons, I removed myself from them permanently. There will always be tempting situations but one has to take every measure to remove themselves from those situations.

Again, back to my previous post, I would love to eat junk everyday (can't you tell I love junk :p ;) :D ) but I can't. So I don't keep any junk in the house. If I get a taste for some junk during those five days then the fact that I would have to leave the house to go buy it forces me to think about if I really NEED it or just WANT it. However, if I had the junk constantly in my house, then I would probably eat it every rip.

Point: Don't put yourself or don't let others put you in tempting situations, because we are humans and when constantly tempted, we probably are doomed to give in.

I'm not trying to be harsh just dropping my opinion. And yes I believe someone can be forgiven after cheating and things can work out afterwards. However, why not just save all the hurt and drama by not cheating in the first place. That's all I'm saying.

And to add to my above post, if I keep junk in my house and start eating it everyday and then gain weight, it's not the foods fault that I gained the weight. The junk food didn't seduce me or lead me to eat it. I CHOSE to eat it. I should know my own weaknesses. And if I know that if I would probably eat junk everyday if I was around it every day, then maybe I should make sure I'm not around it when I shouldn't be.

I don't understand how you went from this:

To this:
in a matter of 4 months? I just don't understand. And you can't understand why some women are bitter and say some of the things they say about men.

This is why women have so much distrust for men. You give your all-heart, body and soul- and it's abused. After one has gone through the cycle enough times, we just give up and lose all faith in finding that special one. There is no more love or trust to give and we can't take the next guy seriously. All those blows to the heart make it hard. So in turn, we become bitter letting our hardened heart control our minds and thoughts. Professor you state, "women are always talking about men and cheating". Well you just added two more women to the pool who can attest to this fact.

Well, dang... you guys went deep into the past, didn't ya?

Is it really THAT serious?
 

I know cheating is bad, but it's not as devistating as women make it out to be. Women read to much into it. Usually, when a man cheats, it's just to have an orgasm...a pleasure thing. It's no threat to our girl/wife. Its sounds ignorant, but the statement is true when we say "It didn't mean anything...I LOVE you...I was just F)#king her". You should only be hurt if the man is loosing feelings for you and cheating regularly. But if it was a little slip, due to getting seduced...then cut him some slack. It is really easy to get a mans penis on hard and the blood rushes from our brains and it's very difficult to think. It is not as easy and quick to get females aroused. You have to kiss and rub on them forever to get them wet. If a woman was put in the arousal state men are so easily put into, then maybe they would understand why it's so easy for us to fall victim to suduction!

*trembling*
 

Hey Stoplook, I hope you are ready to weather the storm you are about to unleash. As for me, I am going to play punk and dissociate mysellf from your comments!!! LOL!

Re: *trembling*
 

you and i are thinking the exact same thing.

Re: Is it really THAT serious?
 

It doesn't sound completely ignorant per se... more like the blood rushed from your brain right before you made this post. You can't be serious... please say you just got off a porn site! :D LOL!!!

Not only does cheating result in distrust, anger, hurt but has anyone thought about the diseases that a cheater brings home to the marital bed. Condoms are not fullproof against herpes and other diseases.

If a person cheats so early on in the marriage or even before marriage, then I think the couple need to have some serious counseling because if you are cheating when things are good, what is the person going to do when things are bad and things do get bad (i.e., the stress of finances, kids, etc.)

#7
Snuggles
DST RVA 12/93

Re: Is it really THAT serious?
 

If a committed or married person is as WEAK as you stated, then they should never put themselves in a position to be alone with someone of the opposite sex. How can one cheat if one doesn't allow or have the opportunity.

I don't care what you're talking about. It doesn't go from zero to 100. As soon as one starts to feel more attraction than they should to someone else, be it emotionally, physically, etc., then remove yourself from the situation ASAP. Don't be like an animal (we are human beings, you know) and act like you can't have more control over your actions.

Again, plain and simple, people will always justify why it's okay for them to be SELFISH regardless of how it hurts others. That's the state of our world right now. COMPLETE SELFISHNESS. And why in the hell would you want to intentionally hurt someone? Is that the type of person you want to be?

I swear, people!! You have to grow up sometime and learn how to be a better, more responsible person. AND YES SOMETIMES THAT MEANS NOT BEING ABLE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT OR FEEL LIKE DOING. YOU MAY ACTUALLY HAVE TO THINK OF SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF :rolleyes:. Try it sometime. It's not as hard as you think to be unselfish :rolleyes: .

don't read too much into it
 

I admitted that cheating is bad. I never said it wasn't. I just think women blow it out of proportion. Couples do plenty of things wrong to each other: argue, neglect, take for granted, etc. These things are bad, but they sometimes happen unintentionally. After they are discussed, usually you come to the conclusion that the other person didn't mean to make you feel bad by inadvertently doing that stuff. With cheating, women make it out like you are saying they are worthless or like you don't give a damn about them. Why blow it up and read more into it than what it is. When a man cheats, he doesn't think "I can't stand my girl, she aint nothin, I want to lower her self-esteem, and hurt her." Thats what alot of women paint the scenario as. It is just an act of lust...that's it...plain and simple. Can't you understand the difference between love & lust? YOu have a right to be upset...but don't read so much into it and blow it out of proportion. Again, I agree it's wrong and one should have more self control, but nobody is perfect and you have to realize that a mans threshold of being at "the point of no control" is significantly higher than a womans. If I'm just chillin and a woman all of the sudden strips and pounces me...I can try and muff her or throw her down, but that would be too violent on a woman. Most of the time you try and reasonwith her but she don't care. she bent on seducing you...and you got that woody. Unless you been their you can't judge. We are all animals and have a state of being in "heat" that is a biological imperitive. I'm just using science to back up my point (not to excuse it)

IDONTKNOW
 

what would you do - i'm tossing around "if i tell this" then she will respond by saying. if i don't tell then ... . HELP!

And yea, I know - things are going really well with me and future wife. This is just something that happened. I don't know what else to say.

What if.....
 

I wonder if the situation was reversed would the man accept the theory that his girl was "seduced" by a man. I can tell you right now, HELL NO he wouldn't. He'd be calling her all types of names- hoe, trick, chickenhead- and there wouldn't be any way he would make a "hoe into a housewife".

Re: don't read too much into it
 

Again, a married person (or person in a committed relationship) has no business being alone with someone that they could end up cheating with. If you are always around a group or somewhere with your significant other or spouse, then you would be less likely to have the opportunity to cheat. This is what I'm talking about. People want to still be doing the same things they did when they were single. A man wouldn't have to worry as much about not being able to stop another woman from "seducing" him if he wasn't alone with her. When the woman starts to try and "seduce" a man first by words (which I'm sure is the case because I doubt the woman goes from Hello to taking his pants down), then that man should remove himself from the situation if he knows he wouldn't be able to stop himself if she continues to flirt.

And to your example, if you're in a committed relationship or married, WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU ARE CHILLIN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN THAT WOULD BE ABLE TO POUNCE YOU, as you say? Now see, that's what's wrong in the first place. Don't have no business being there.

I don't even want to keep having these discussions, because a person will constantly try to justify what they WANT to do regardless of the consequences, when they should be trying to ensure that they do what they SHOULD be doing.

"Excuses are tools of the incompetent that build..." Let me stop. Thought I was on line again :D ;)!!

Re: don't read too much into it
 

Being in a relationship is about trust. If I am involved with you I trust you emotionally and physically. If you cheat then you show you are not worthy of my trust. Period.

I don't care if it was just lust, it is a violation of someone's trust in you and you can NEVER get that back. If you can't control yourself then you need not be in a relationship. I don't care if she stripped down and jumped on you- when you take her up on her offer you know that you are breaking someone's trust. It is a conscious decision to let your penis control you.

I do not know why men seem to think women don't catch sexual feelings for other men. For a lot of women sex is mental and seduction doesn't even NEED for there to be nudity. It can be just as hard for us to say no as it is for you. If we cheat it is a violation of trust. If you cheat it is the same thing.

Note: I have never cheated on anyone, nor have I been cheated on. I just know that for me trust is something rarely given and precious. To even imagine someone breaking it is unthinkable, because that just shows that they really don't care enough about you to be an adult and control their own urges and desires. We can not always have what we want in this life! Anyone who thinks we can is a child.

Re: What if.....
 

Exactly!!

Re: Re: don't read too much into it
 

Well said.

That is what I am saying. In life you can't have every and any thing you want.

As my fiance says, "if something is worth having, then it is worth working hard for".

And so true about women. We (or at least I am ) are more prone to become attracted to someone because of their personality more than just for looks. It could be just as hard or even harder to turn away someone that you start to have feelings for. But as soon as you know you are starting to feel that way, then that is when you don't need to be around that person anymore.

On another note, a caller to Dr. Laura (love her) said that her husband had to go on a three hour business trip by car with a woman. Dr. Laura said that her husband should rent his own car or drive his own car but should not ride in the car with this other woman. Now most people in this warped day and age would say it's not the serious because it's for work but once Dr. Laura broke it down, I definitely agreed. She said that once the husband and other woman would be in the car, the conversation would probably naturally shift from work to personal things (which is understandable). She then said that as the husband and woman may start to relax, laugh, talk about life, their lives, etc., then there is the possibility that they will start to view each other in a different manner other than work related (which is all they should be viewing each other as). Her point was maybe that wouldn't happen but maybe it would. Why take the chance if it could risk your marriage? And I couldn't agree more.

See this is why I keep saying don't put yourself in potential inappropriate situations.

Another thing, before anyone starts that lame argument about "we all do wrong, blah, blah, blah", let me bust that up right now. Yes, we all do wrong and will always do wrong. We are humans. However, why not try eliminate as many wrong things as possible as often as possible. Since we all do wrong, then I should just stop working, become a hooker, drug addict, alcoholic, child abuser, thief, etc. because since we all do wrong, it doesn't matter what I do, right? Wrong. If I was doing all those things, then shouldn't I try to stop doing at least one of them? You have to start somewhere, you know. The only way I can start to become a better person is if I try to eliminate as many bad things as possible. Sure I will keep falling along the way (I am human) but should I stop trying to become better because we all do wrong. When people say "we all do wrong", how does everyone else doing wrong justify me doing wrong? I never understood this argument :rolleyes:.

It's like the song "We fall down, but we get up" except people want to fall down and then justify why it's okay not to try and get back up :rolleyes: !!

Kind of a tangent, I know. But I just wanted to put that out before that even got started :p ;) !!

NOW WHAT?
 

I think it has been made plainly clear by DSTlove and other that cheating is wrong...and yes there are a lot of factors that play into why a person may cheat.

I agree whole-heartedly with DSTlove PREVENTION IS KEY!!!! The deed has been done. So now what? Should Professor keep it to himself (they say what you don't know can't hurt you) or should he fess up? This is a sticky situation what do you all suggest.

Re: NOW WHAT?
 

STRICTLY from viewing these posts, Professor seems to have a conscience that is gonna force him to tell. Professor, if you don't tell, is it gonna fester inside and agitate you so much that you will be visibly stressed? If so, you might as well tell and save yourself (and your wife) the trauma: you of having so much internal strife, and your wife of playing the guessing game and wondering if SHE is doing something wrong.

If, however, your conscience is a little less developed and you can get past this indescretion, I would say do NOT tell. I know I may be alone on this one, but I would really weigh the options. You said that as of now, your marriage is going pretty well. I personally would recommend getting past your EXTREMELY poor judgment call, and working on building your relationship with your wife even further. In addition, you need to use your situation as a learning tool. DST LOVE, what can I say, all of your posts have been on point. Professor, understand that if you are so weak as to fall prey to a female's seduction, then you should avoid any and all similar situations from now on. Do not try to shift blame away from yourself. Take this "L" and move on. I seriously doubt that the young woman you cheated with held the proverbial gun to your head. Realize that, as a man, your SELF control is lacking. Use your newfound knowledge of this to improve yourself in the future.

Re: NOW WHAT?
 

Whether or not you decide to tell, for every action there's a reaction. I'm a firm believer in that whatever you do negatively/positively will come back to you in the same fashion. Now it may not be in the form of your fiance' cheating on you, but some form of negativity will happen causing you pain and suffering.

Me personally, I would want to know because I feel as though I (not YOU) should have the right to decide whether or not I would want to continue the relationship. Like DST_Love said, it was his selfishness that got him into this situation, so don't let that selfishness control the rest of your actions. Lord knows what may happen then.

To Professor: Don't know what I'd do man, just being honest. Easy as it is to say tell her, I could see how that would be hard. Don't mean to say "you shouldn't have" more than once, but... dang. I don't envy you.

what she don't know woun't hurt her
 

for Godsake DON'T TELL. Use your big head and not your heart...
this isn't TV! Doing the "right thing" will do NOTHING!

Let me tell you what will happen if you confess:
1) You will emotionally SCAR her forever!
2) Even if she forgives you, she'll NEVER "forgive" you
3) The fire she has for you will die and never be as bright
4) She will bring this up and rub it in your face FOREVER
5) She may GET EVEN
6) She'll NEVER trust you again....NEVER
7) The word will get out and embarrass BOTH of you
8) She may leave you

What in the world do you or HER have to gain by confession?
1) Integrity...knowing you did the right thing(kudos)
2) You were honest with her (kudos)
3) Did I mention you did the right thing?

The so-called "right thing to do" is not always the "smarted" and in the end...woun't do anything but destroy your world and hers.

for HER mental and emotional well-being...don't put her thru the PAIN of the truth....believe me...she will never heal...even if she leaves you, she will have mad "issues" with her next man...and we've all dated a woman with issues (I hear Badu...Bag lady...you gon hurt you back...draggin all dem bags like that)

I know you feel bad and are hurting now, but believe me...you will feel WORSE if shit hits the fan...this will negatively impact her work, school, kids, family, etc....why cause all this unecessary grief? You've done enuf all ready.

Focus your guilt on NEVER doing this again. Telling her will not alleviate your guilt...it will make you and HER feel worse cause she'll rub it in your face DAILY (trust me I know)

...just givin you the real...Think about it....theirs not a woman or man who will refute the outcomes I've predicted.

..Be smart...don't be mislead by your heart

hurt = hurt
 

...and another thing...some may say if you don't tell now,and she finds out later...it will be worse.....that's B.S!
hurt = hurt. Sure she'll say she wish you would have told her and that she is hurt more now that you didn't. But she would just be saying that out of pain. Lets look at this thing LOGICALLY. What Worse thing could she possibly go thru or put you thru now, then later? If you tell her, or she finds out thru the grapevine...the same outcomes I listed before would happen. So nothing will be lost if she finds out on her own. She'd probably say some emotional shit like "I'd have had more respect for you if YOU told me and I didn't find out like this" WHATEVER...you think she would have respect for someone who cheated on her anyway? Once you cheat, you've lost her respect...so don't fall for that.
Say she finds out 2 months from now. You've actually done her a favor by not telling. You've SAVED HER 2 months of PAIN. Thats two less months of feeling sad, angry, hurt, worthless, rejected, disrespected, betrayed, etc. Why put her thru and EXTRA two months of pain. Think about it...what I'm saying makes SENCE.
Again, this is the real world, NOT TV...things don't work out all beautiful in the end if you do the "right thing"....The right thing is never to cheat again...howabout you do THAT. That is the onlything thats gonna make your relationship better.

be SMART!

WHAT??? are you on crack??? Oh yeah, it couldn't get worse if she finds out later...EXCEPT WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS AND IT NOT ONLY SCARS HER BUT THEM FOR LIFE AS WELL!! Good lord! Look,Professor, I'm sorry, but you f-d up royally. No matter how you try to reassemble to pieces to make it look like an "accident" or "inevitable" or whatever, it's still broken. The end. At this point, it's not about you anymore. You OWE her the opportunity to make a choice: forgive you, or leave you. And you'll just have to deal with it, and just pray that she's more generous with you than you deserve. I'm sorry, but just because you weren't thinking of the consequences at the time, doesn't mean they're not waiting for you when the blood rushes back to your selfish head. If you don't tell her, rest assured she will find out eventually, and it will be ten times worse than anything that happens now, i.e. a messy divorce(most likely with her getting everything you own, as well as the kids). It also sounds like you're a religious man...just remember, you can try to hide your sins, but there's one person who will know no matter what, and lying will just add another sin to the list. Besides, if your wife to be does leave you(as almost any woman would), you'll probably get over it pretty quickly...after all, how quickly did you forget about her when you were being "seduced", eh? 3 minutes? It's sad really, and I would almost feel bad for you if I didn't feel worse for that poor woman who not so long ago stood beaming in front of you as you proclaimed your "undying"(ha!) love for her before your families and God. :(

Hey, hey... much as we'd like to be sarcastic, we shouldn't....