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A Question for everyone
My boyfriend and I one day got talking about when people get married, should the women keep her last name. I said yes because I would like to keep mine because I'm the only child and I would like to keep my last name. But he said no the women should take the last name of the man because having both names is weird. Also he brought up what last name would the children take if the mother had both his and her last names? What are your thoughts on this. -UDZETA :confused:
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i guess i'm a good person to answer this one... my mom kept her last name for professional purposes - she's a doctor and she earned her degree under her name, saw patients under her name prior to marrying my dad and just decided that it would be best if she stayed who she's always been known as... as for my sisters and i.. i am technically Nicole *****-###### - so yeah i have two last names (and a middle name and a confirmation name b/c i'm catholic, you should have heard mother growing up - NICOLE MARIE ELIZABETH *****-###### get down here right now!) - but my parents told us we could use both names, pick one to use - whatever. This by the way, has never been a problem in my family, my parents never argued over who would get which name... On all legal documents i have two names, but I usually use my mom's b/c its simple and my dad's is italian and everyone usually pronounces it wrong anyway, lol.
when i get married what am i going to do? definitely not have 3 last names, that would be far too much for me ;-) I might take my mom's name as my middle name and hyphenate my dad's last name and my husbands... haven't decided yet - but i'll definitely keep my names. |
I know that when I do get married I want to keep my last name. I am very proud of who I am and do not know why I should have to lose my last name just because I am getting married. I will take his last name also, hyphenating my last name.
As for our children, I never have thought about that. I am not sure what approach we would take as to decide on that issue; however, right now, I think that I would like or my children to take my hyphenated last name. It represents who they are, both a part of me and my husband. In elementary school, many of my classmates had hyphenated last names and at the time, I had no idea why. But I do like the idea of them taking both of our last names. |
Well when I got married, I kept my last name. I'm the youngest and there are only sisters, so I wanted to keep my name alive atleast for my generation.
My son has only my husband's last name. His friends have called me Mrs. "husband's last name" but I keep looking for my mother-in-law until I realize its me they want. In some cases its been weird having different last names. Taxes are weird, church has been the worst about recognizing the two last names. Its really funny when we get junk mail addressed with my husband's first name and my last name. The bottom line is ... if it is important to you to keep your last name than do it. If the guy can't compromise on something that's really important to you, you need to re-think the relationship (in my opinion) |
AZ-AlphaXi , My boyfriend and I were just talking about it. It wasn't like it was an arguement or anything. But I know when I get married I kinda would like to keep my last name but I'm not sure yet. (that is still aways a way) And I had always wonder about what the last names of the children would be. Thanks for clearing that up for me. -UDZETA :D
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I don't think there is any kind of universal "should" that fits everyone here. It's a matter of, what do you think, and what does he think?
1) You take his name, and lose the name you've had all your life. How is this fair? He won't take your name, I bet. Tradition? I'm not a big believer in tradition merely for its own sake. 2) Hypenation. How many generations can do this before our last names are like Smith-Jatla-Jones-Grayson-Mustafa? Talk about a nightmare for the kids to spell! 3) Keep your own name. He feels miffed, and what DO you name your kids? Do you hyphenate them, and lead to the same problem as mentioned in #2? 4) Merge your two last names into something funky, like Green and Jones become Grones. That's a little cutesy for my taste, and it'll give future genealogists nightmares. |
without a doubt i will take my husband's name. besides the tradition factor, i don't want my kids to have a different last name than me. also, it wouldn't be fair to my husband.
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Well, I had a happy compromise built in for myself when I got married. When I was born, my parents couldn't decide on a middle name. My mother wanted to give me my great-grandmother's name. My father wanted to give me his name (the Greek tradition of the patronym). Neither one wanted to give in...so I got stuck with no middle name at all.
So when I got married, I took my husband's name and kept my maiden name as a middle. I use my full name on everything...driver's license, credit cards, bank account. It has worked very well for me. I still get to use my maiden name, which is very important to me, because I accomplished a lot of things as a single woman. But using my married name also gives me the opportunity to publicly affirm that my husband and I are one family unit. I think that women should do what they feel comfortable with! Either option is totally legitimate. |
I am taking my fiance's name, well half of it. He, himself, has a hyphenated last name, and I am just going to take the traditonal father;s side last name, and we decided thats what we would do for our kids. Plus, i am not hyphenating my extremely hard to spell and very long last name with two others!
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I think this is a totally personally question. It really depends on what the woman wants. A lot of men find it insulting if their gf doesn't decide to take his last name when they get married, but some women feel very strongly about it. Me, I don't have a strong issue with it and I like my bf's last name better than mine so when we get married, I will probably take on his last name. But he has already expressed that he'd be bothered if I chose not to. Not that that would sway me....
My brother's wife didn't take our last name. It was a big issue when she first informed him that she didn't want to take it. Her situation was a bit different tho. She and my mother have the same first name. She thought it would be weird to be married to my brother and have the exact same name as his mother. He tried to explain to her that she's mom to him, and not her first name. She was adament tho, and at the end of the day she's kept her last name and he's had to deal. I honestly think that in this day and age, it's wrong to tell the woman that she HAS to take on a last name if she doesn't want to. My cousin got married and as a nice twist, he and his wife decided to hyphenate their names together and now they both go by the hyphenated version. I think if a man is ademant that you give up the name you've grown up with, ask if he'd be willing to do the same.... |
Women should always take the Mans Name!
If it wasnt for Eve, Dumb Ass Adam would not have taken the Apple! Have never like Apples, did not know why until today!!!!!!!!!;) |
I guess for me, I think I would take my husband's name, unless it was something really horrible like "Poopkowsky" or something. :D
I suppose in someways, my maiden name is not really mine, it's my father's. The only name that is "mine" is my first name. One thing I should mention. I worked for this guy and his wife kept her name. The kids had his surname. So for the longest time, I wrongly assumed that their mother was actually Wife #2 and their stepmother. I finally asked someone in the office quietly if he'd been married before, and had kids with Wife #1 and was told that no, he was only married to one person thus far in his life, but she'd kept her name and the kids took his name. So, you see, dumb people like me can make mistakes of assumption and think that your kids are your stepkids because the surname is different. Just thought I would mention that. Thank God I didn't say anything to my boss as he might have been majorly insulted. From a practical standpoint, one thing to consider is that if you travel, if your kids have different surnames than you, (Assume that just Mom is travelling with the kids, Dad stayed home) a worst case scenario could be that the Passport Control Officers of the other country could think you are abducting the children because the surnames are different and for that reason, they don't believe that the children are yours. It could potentially happen..... |
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Besides, I don't think they even had last names, so I don't see that it's too relevant. |
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I think its cool if a woman wanted to keep her last name, but I think it shows devotion if she uses both last names. As for kids, I think they should take the fathers last name.
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Tom Earp, why should women have to take the man's last name? What are your reasons?
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I was amazed when one of my chapter members told me that she still uses her maiden name. I don't know why I was, but I really was taken aback.
She has been married before and she says she kept her maiden name then and didn't use her married name, even when her only child was born. She shared with me that her current husband can't get with it, but he "accepted" it when they said "I do". She is very serious when she says that she is not going to change her last name. She has been married to her current husband for 4 years or so, plus she's an attorney and I'm sure he's not going to want to fight about it that much...LOL |
I will absolutely keep my last name. I kept it during my brief first marriage, and I will keep it should I ever get married again.
I've spent 33 years as Amy XXXX and just because I meet someone, fall in love and want to get married, that does not mean that I am suddenly a different person. I love my last name and have NEVER met anyone whose name I like better, so can't imagine that 1. I will meet that person 2. He will be an avaialble, attractive, intelligent male 3. We will marry. Part of the tradition of the woman taking her husband's last name, as I understand it, is in olden times it signified the transfer of her as property from the father to the husband. I am nobody's property and will keep my last name. Lastly, I am a writer and known under MY name. I will keep my last name. As for children, I have no problem with them having my husband's last name. But I do think that I would make their middle name my last name. Not a hypenated name, just for example, Sarah Brown Gorman. I did once date someone that liked my name so much he said if we got married he'd become Mark XXXX. I'd have NO problem with that. :) And I have a friend who was so adamant in her refusal to change her name that she and her husband hyphenated their names together. I just can't get with the whole change name thing at all. Its fine for a lot of women, just not me. I am Amy XXXX and will be until I die. |
I use my maiden name professionally, and my married name socially. My married name is basically my maiden name with my married name tacked on the end, and I use all three names (like Mary Tyler Moore).
However, my husband changed his name after we were married, so he uses three names too, just for continuity's sake. |
Amy, its a good thing you're Amy XXXX and not Amy XXX...lol.
BTW, we have the same last name. Mine is "XXXX", too. What a conincidence. :) When I get married I'll prolly take his last name, though reluctantly. However, if we ever got divorced I'd dump his name faster than old shrimp. Using my maiden name as my children's middle name is not a bad idea. |
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Seriously, I think it's odd when people keep their ex's name, unless they were married for a very long time. Like one woman I work with has been married three times. She doesn't go by her maiden name, or her current hubbie's name, but by her second husband's name. Not that she can't use whichever name she wants, but I just don't see the logic in that choice! |
Damn, semi tonghee in cheek!
My ex kept my name until she got remarried! OK, she moved in with a Fraternity Brother, OK! Different guy! Well I really do not care but thought would throw it out! My Mood Time! Ah Well It All Happens for the Best! Adam gave a Rib to Make Woman! Losing ever ever since!!;) LUV YA All !:D |
I plan to keep my last name. In my opinion the woman should not TAKE the last name and get rid of her own. First reason...It helps in family research. Most middle names are older family names and helps future generations figure stuff out. Number two...I have a feeling I will get divorced. I don't want some one I'm not married to, to be legally alowed to call her self Mrs. ******. If she hyphanates ******-NNNN or NNNN-****** I wouldn't mind. But...for my children, I'll leave the name up to them. Ideally My children will have a first and middle name, a "confirmation" name (i'm not catholic, but my children should confirm something, not neccesarily religion). Also possibly my wifes middle name (if its a family name), my wifes mother's maiden name, my mother's maiden name, and both last names. :) All legal documents.
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I never realized there was so many opinions on this topic. I always fiqured I'd go w/ whatever sounded best. Would totally depend on syllables and if his name is atrocious.
As far as children, if you want them to carry your name then you should give it as a middle or first name. I don't think kids should have hyphenated names. IMHO their last name should match their fathers. My opinons aside, I think I read in Miss Manners once that when a woman gets married, her maiden name is supposed to become her middle name. I'm not sure if you then get two middle or if your supposed to drop you middle name. I would never drop my middle name though. |
I was brought up thinking that when a girl gets married, her maiden name becomes her middle name and then her husband's name is her new one.
Personally, I can't wait to get rid of my last name. It's not bad or anything--just a run-of-the-mill English name--but my mom remarried when I was very young and I've always been the odd one out. Everyone in my family has the same last name except me, and I don't like it. I don't know why I never had it changed...I guess out of respect to my grandparents, but if I get married you're damn right I'll be changing it. My husband, me, and the kids if there are any will all have the same last name, because believe me, it gets *really* old trying to explain exactly why the names are different. |
When I got married, I dropped my maiden name and took my husband's name. I'm very traditional that way and I'll also admit that I never cared for my maiden name (shhh! Don't tell my dad!). Too hard to pronounce and it's waaaaaay down in the alphabet. I still get a kick from being first on most alphabetized lists! lol
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i made myself a promise many years ago that when i got married, i wouldn't change or hyphenate my last name. as far as the kids, i'd like for him/her/them to have my last name and my husband's. this topic brings back memories, because i actually lost a boyfriend over my desire not to change or hyphenate my last name.
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Call me a wimp or whatever, but I really don't think it's any of my business what whoever I marry chooses to do with her last name. If she doesn't want to, no big deal... if so then great! We get a shorter phone book listing.
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I guess I am a traditionalist but I am always a bit suspicious of women who won't take their husband's name. How would you want people to address things to you? To the Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones family? Or are you even a Mrs.? Do you go by Ms.? I don't know. I feel like there is a lot more to me than my name and I don't need to hang onto that....I wanted to have his name and have our children have the same name. To each their own I guess but I really don't quite understand it I guess. |
keeping mine...
If I ever decide to marry, I have never even though about changing my name. (You know how girls in like jr. high will write out their name with the last name of the boy they like? Not me, never did that). Here are my personal reasons:
As for kids.. well.. I'm not having any (at least not planning them & being very cautious to avoid any little suprises). If I change my mind and decide to have some..I think I would consider adoption first, and older kids whom I would never ask to change their names. But for the sake of argument... I would either give them their father's last name, or hyphenate the two if they sounded really cool together. My first name is actually my mothers' maiden name, and my middle name is a family name on that side of the family. My last name is from my dad's side. Although, my first name is spelled differently than it should have been. I thought about changing it, but see my first response above. ;) Something interesting, my boyfriend's last name is actually his adopted name, not his birth name anyways. He has considered changing it back to its original form, but he's had his current name since age 4 or something. And he's accomplished a lot under that name, so he's never changed it. I think it's definately an individual decision, but I also see it becoming more common, at least professionally, for women to retain their maiden name. Someone asked about mail.. well, most of our mail is individual anyways. If it's something like an invitiation, they can address it to either or both of us. I wouldn't be offended if someone slipped and used his name, particularly someone who didn't really know us. |
call me old-fashioned, but...
When KappaStarboy and I get married I'm taking his name. I have never cared for my last name and am looking forward to changing it. I'm debating on the whole maiden-name-as-middle-name bit. My mom did that: when she got married, she decided to become Jane Smith Jones instead of Jane Mary Jones (not her real name, of course), but that was because she couldn't stand her middle name. I like my middle name and it sounds good with KStarboy's last name.
I also have a first name that is a common last name (think Harrison Ford). So if I go with the maiden name as the middle name it'll sound like I have three last names. Then again, there are lots of people that sound like they have three first names (for example, Joshua Alan Ryan), so what's the big deal? I dunno but I think I should decide before I send stuff out to be monogrammed, heehee. I just started my profession less than a year ago, so the professional name thing is not a concern. |
Ok, call me old-fashioned or whatever, but I would take my husband's last name. The exception, of course, is if it somehow sounded really bizzare with my first name or something. I'm not too worried though - my boyfriend has a wonderful last name that sounds very nice with mine.
Perhaps I don't mind taking a man's last name due to the fact that my father thought ahead when I was born. First though, let me explain that my family is Polish. My dad's family name is one of those fancy Polish "_______ski" names. When my dad was a boy, his father shortened the name to something people could pronounce! In the 1940s, it wasn't necessary to obtain court documents in order to change a name. Grandpa just went and stared using a shortend version of our family name. My dad is the oldest son; he has two sisters. Therefore, it was up to my dad to have a son in order for the family name to be kept alive. I have one older sister. When she was born, my dad saw that she was a girl and decided that he better throw in the long Polish family name in after her middle name just to be safe (in case he never had any boys.) Then, three years later, I was born - another girl! So, he did it again. Now, I actually never knew that. I always thought my full legal name was: "Kelly Middlename ShortLastname." But, when I came across my birth certificate a few years ago, I was surprised to see that my actual birth name is: "Kelly Middlename Polishfamilyname ShortLastname." I was just tickled pink! I love my heritage and I think it's great that my family's name will survive even though marriage will affect the process. I will continue what my father started. I will take my married name and, when I have children, they will be "Firstname Middlename Mom'sPolishfamilyname MarriedlastName." All of my documents, driver's license, diplomas and stuff don't have my Polish family name on it so it's all good. It'll just be there silently in the background. Someone mentioned that women taking on married names messes up genealogy. I don't think that's the case. Genealogy is one of my hobbies. I find that it's actually easier sometimes to trace the movement of a family when there are married names there to help group people into branches. Either way, my father came up with a way to solve both problems! :):) ......Kelly :) |
That was me :) Taking married names doesn't mess it up. What messes up tracking things is when you leave off names. :)
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So True, what is that certain Age? If you do not mind me asking?:)
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Traditionally, Miss was an unmarried female and Mrs. was a married female, no matter the age. But that has definitely changed over the last century. Now Miss means "girl" and Mrs. means "married" and Ms. means "men's titles aren't defined by their marital status, so why should mine be?" (or if you're less of a die-hard liberal than me, "I'm over 21 and my marital status isn't any of your business").
I don't know that there's a magical age at which one stops being a Miss, but I would personally say college graduation, assuming one graduates around 21-ish. |
I have definitely decided to drop my maiden name. My last name is ZZZZZZZZZZ . . . . long and German. Not to mention the fact that my current initials are EEZ . . . imagine that one once you hit middle school. When my hunny and I get married I am keeping my middle name for 2 reasons. 1) I really like my middle name and 2) if I move my last name to my middle name my initials will then be EZA . . . and considering I will be a teacher I don't want those initials following me around, it would just be weird.
Emmi |
I heard some where that Miss now means you are trying to be prissy.
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When I got married, I took my husband's name. I had always thought that I would hyphenate, but my sweetie's name was just too darn long. (LOL) I wound up taking my maiden name as a second middle name.
Socially, I go by Ms. Hisname. I'm not too bothered if someone says Mrs. Hisname, but if they keep it up, I correct them. I insist that my first name be somewhere in there... I have a perfectly good first name of my own, thank you very much :) If someone addresses a wedding invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast, I send back the reply card reading Mr. Hisfirst and Ms. Myfirst Hislast, or something of that sort. The only thing that really angers me is when I get something addressed to "Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast." (Not Mr. and Mrs., just Mrs.)Like I said, I have a perfectly good first name of my own! I believe each couple should decide together what to do about their last names - whether she takes his name, he takes her name, she hyphenates, he hyphenates, they both hyphenate, they make up an entirely new last name, whatever. |
-Lil Snakey K
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