My daughter is devastated and I don't know what to do
 

Heya y'all,

My daughter tried to rush a SEC school and ended up cut from her legacy house and then decided to drop out of recruitment. She was so set on going to my house that she had blinders on and was heartbroken when they didn't invite her to pref.

I tried to prepare her for cuts because I know huge cuts can happen but she took that one cut much more personally than I thought she would. I didn't realize she had fallen in love with the house so much and I hope I didn't set her up for unrealistic expectations. She's attending my alma mater so I felt like this should have hurt me more than it hurt her, but I've volunteered with local chapters for a while and see how they can change over time and I understand not everyone fits in at their mom's chapter.

My daughter is devastated and I'm at a loss at how to help her with her feelings. It's heartbreaking to watch your child be so sad and there isn't anything you can do about it.

I am sure you are hating this for her as we all want our children to settle into school with a great start, but this is one of those times in life that will help her be a better person going forward (even if she is not feeling that way right now). I would encourage her to get involved in other activities around campus and focus on getting to know other people through these groups and activities. I know several girls who re-rushed (at prominent, competitive recruitment SEC schools) and were successful the second time around. Many times I feel this is because they get to know girls in different groups, then those girls can go to bat for them when they go back through the process. Plus, it is an opportunity for your daughter to see a group she may actually fit in better with for the future. I hope she can make peace with her bad experience and use it as a growth opportunity for next year! Best wishes!!!

I'm sorry to hear that!

Give her time to be upset.

If you're close enough to drive down, maybe take her to go do something fun that has zero to do with anything Greek Life.

Don't push the "Why don't you COR or rush next year?" issue (if that is even an option. I don't know what school you're at.)

You hit it.

"There isn't anything you can do about it."

She made her choice not to be greek.

If she is planning to re-rush, have her sign up for COB (open rush, as we called it back in the day). And if you're talking about next year, she needs to make as many sorority friends as possible and get high grades. It helps to join clubs that have a lot of Greek members!

And I wouldn't want to be TOO enthusiastic about this, but growth is exploding at virtually all of the SEC schools. There may well be a colony on the horizon. And the SEC is also good about upper classmen quotas. If she tries again next year (with a bit more open mind - I wouldn't expect your chapter to change their mind) it is not a deal-breaker.

But I wouldn't be cramming all that down her throat right now. Give her time to heal on her own, make friends in the various chapters, etc. She'll discover that the best and worst really are not that far apart, that rush is a bubble and she really took it more seriously than she needed to. But saying that out loud right now might cause you to lose a limb.

Informal rush would be a great option if she is still interested. Formal rush at an SEC can be a whirlwind...er tornado. lol Informal is a WAY more laid back process and IMO lets you get to know the sisters better. As long as she's open minded as to orgs, she prob would do well.

What a terrible shame that she dropped out of rush when she still had invitations :(

Yes, some girls might have a successful attempt their sophomore year, but at the most competitive schools, that is more the exception than the rule. Even upperclass quotas can be iffy. Chapters MAY utilize them, but they do not have to.

You have a great attitude about the whole thing, Heartbrokenmom. I am really sorry that this happened to your DD. She made the choice and she has to deal with the results. After she has had a chance to grieve the loss, encourage her to get involved in other activities. There will be plenty of other things to do!

Can you tell us which school so we could tell you whether they have a new sorority coming and if they currently have sophomore quota?

So sorry to hear that she's devastated at the moment. I think when all settles down she will decide to go back through and look closely at the other groups. By then she may see that the other houses could even be a better fit for HER.

According to irishpipes’ chapter listing thread, these are the upcoming SEC colonizations.
apologies for any missed colonization

Alabama – open for expansion
Arkansas – n/a
Auburn – Delta Phi Epsilon, Sigma Sigma Sigma to present (unknown date for colonization)
Florida – Gamma Phi Beta (2015), Alpha Phi (2017)
Georgia – Delta Phi Epsilon (2015), Alpha Phi (2017)
Kentucky – Alpha Chi Omega (2015), Gamma Phi Beta (2017)
Louisiana State – Alpha Delta Pi (2016)
Mississippi – Alpha Phi (2015)
Mississippi State – n/a
Missouri – n/a
South Carolina – Alpha Xi Delta (2016)
Tennessee – n/a
Texas A&M – Alpha Epsilon Phi (2015)
Vanderbilt – n/a

edited to update colonization information

I am sorry. Let her talk, vent, give her space. In these large schools, during recruitment, it can seem as if EVERYONE is Greek, but in reality, most people are not. When she's ready to listen, encourage her to join something she loves, throw herself into classes/academics, and let friendships in the dorm and on campus happen naturally. COB is a possibility on some campuses, but not all.

Well stated. As we go through life we make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

AEPhi is colonizing at TAMU now! They're doing informal recruitment though.

Perhaps I am the only one who remembers the high hopes and piercing disappointments felt at age 17, 18, and 19. I have compassion for that young woman. Yes she had choices left and I cannot be hypocritical and condemn her for dropping out of recruitment because they were not her dream. We tell PNMs conflicting information when we criticize them for dropping and we also criticize them for taking a bid and either being a less than enthusiastic member, or being unhappy, when "someone else would have loved your spot."

Can't have it both ways. Surely I am not the only one who says "if I can't have that, I don't want anything. I'll live with the consequences." That's pretty much what happened here. Let her mature a little and see what happens in the next year. She needs to figure this out and her mother is there to help her. Like Anne Lamott wrote, sometimes the best thing we can say is "me too" to validate another human being in times like this.

And I reiterate my "disappointment" speech (the one where I talk about how important it is for life lessons to hit us at an early age when we are able to have support and become resilient). I'm glad that I didn't get elected cheerleader in 8th grade. It was the end of the world at the time. I was crushed. But I developed some strategies and when other disappointments came, I was able to bounce back quickly. It also helped that I didn't always come in first in a swim race. Sometimes I came in last.

Neither group was selected at Arkansas and it is no longer open.

Thanks for the updates. I've edited my post.

So hard to be a freshman these days. She didn't just want a chapter, she wanted to share yours. All you can do is support her in moving forward.

I'm with zbxo - this isn't a girl whose approach was " top tier or nothing" and then dropped out when she wasn't invited to the sorority she thought she "deserved'. So the smug replies from the " maximize or else" crowd seem a little misplaced here. This is mom's sorority, and mom's chapter. She's been hearing about THIS chapter for 18 years. So a little slack is warranted. Fortunately at big schools, there are such a big variety of things to dive into, once the hurt diminished a little. So sorry she had that happen.

Sorry, yes, but ...

Mom accurately noted there is nothing she (Mom) can do.

Daughter made choices.

Life lesson. Hopefully not her first; likely not her last.

Thank you all for your compassionate messages. I read them all and I appreciate all your thoughts. I didn't expect this post to get noticed and I feel I only created it out of a sense of deep pain when I needed a sounding board. Thank you for that.

Her aunt and I visited her the weekend right after to make sure she was doing okay and she seemed to perk right up while spending the weekend with us. She said it was good to have us around because her roommate and some other friends had had successful recruitments and we were a good distraction. We didn't try to push anything on her at all and left on a happy note. She has been joining clubs and trying to get to know people.

We have talked on the phone every day since she dropped recruitment and I think she is in a much better state of mind. She seems much happier and stable. Definitely not the same girl who broke down during recruitment. I think she is wiser for this experience. She admits that dropping during recruitment because she was cut from the legacy house was rash but she says she doesn't have regrets about it. I'm glad there are no regrets.

There is a colonization on her campus this semester and I have not pushed her in that direction, but one of her friends who didn't do formal recruitment wants to be part of the colony. So she has heard about it and after reflecting about it she decided that she wants to try for it. I told her no one is expecting her to do this so she shouldn't feel obligated to do it for anyone but herself, but I will not stop her and everyone will be happy only if she is happy. And I know this campus so I know that she doesn't have to be Greek to have fun and find her place and I drilled that into her head. But if she wants to do it then I want to support her. For now she has been nervous but stable about the process. I think if it doesn't work out, she will still be okay.

Sorry for any typos, I am typing from my phone.

heartbrokenmom,

I am not Greek, but you have my sympathy. I was in your shoes a year ago. It is so hard for us mommas to see our daughters hurting. I hate the way that my daughter's school (and I think most SEC schools) do recruitment. It is the week before school starts, and the girls are completely isolated.....they start to feel like the whole world revolves around Greek life. I am not going to patronize you with meaningless platitudes. It is a hard situation for both of you. Yes, she will get over it; but there will always probably be a little part of her heart that hurts. Through this semester and next, there will be times that she is completely happy and "over it"; only to be miserable the very next day when she sees her roommate go to a sorority event. You both WILL be o.k. though, I promise. It is just a very gradual process. I hope the colonization goes well for your daughter, and she finds happiness there if that is what she wants.

How wonderful that you were able to visit! These girls are surrounded by recruitment and in their eyes, EVERYONE is greek and enjoying their new friends. We all know that is not true, but try to convince them! A new colony offers new and very challenging (and therefore very special) opportunities. Who knows...maybe this will be the answer. Maybe not, but whatever happens, she has a great mom to support her!

Thank you Katmandu.

Thank you Sunny3 for your sympathy and understanding. It has been a roller coaster of feelings these past few weeks and we're all doing our best. I know my daughter still harbors some hurt from being cut from my chapter. I'm glad to say that her faith is helping her through it. We were praying together for her to find her true home on campus and discussing the best ways to make it happen, not just with the colonization process. My daughter is a very successful and beautiful young woman and this was her first big rejection. Because I'm her momma and want to protect her ("Anyone who hurts my daughter will have me to deal with!"), it was so painful to see her hurting, but my husband keeps reminding me that this will prepare her to handle rejection in the future. I know that too deep down.

Just wanted to update. Thank you for all the supportive replies and personal messages.

My daughter and her friend are new members of Gamma Phi Beta! I heard from my dear daughter that Gamma Phi did a wonderful job and she really connected with their philanthropy and the other girls she met in the process. She seems very happy to be a part of the charter class...which makes for a happy momma too!

Congratulations. I am really happy for the both of you.

How wonderful!! My best high school friend is a Gamma Phi Beta and Gamma Phi was my other pref, a place that I loved and would have been proud to accept a bid from. (grammar, I know....) She will love it!

congrats!

That's wonderful! We are happy to welcome her into our sisterhood of Gamma Phi Beta!

CONGRATS! I must have missed this thread when you originally posted, but when I started reading through it today, I kind of wondered if there'd be a Gamma Phi ending given the timing of recent posts.

I'm sending hugs to your daughter and all her charter class sisters. She has a lot of wonderful things and a lot of work ahead of her as a foundering sister, and I hope she enjoys every minute!

Congratulations to your daughter and her friend! It all worked out in the end!! Being a charter member is a tremendous honor.

Fantastic news! I wish her much happiness. This is a great experience, too.

It's so nice to hear about new sisters.

Excellent! So glad she decided to step out in faith and give it a try

Congratulations! What an opportunity!

Congratulations to your daughter!

Oh, congratulations! To you and to your daughter. I have heard nothing but amazing things about this charter group. Such impressive women during the interview process, it's a true credit to the strength of the university. Thrilled for your daughter and i hope she enjoys every minute.

Please give your daughter a great big welcome from me to our wonderful sisterhood!!! I am so happy that she decided to take a chance and has now found her home, not only for the next four year, but for a lifetime!!!

Yay!
 

This is fantastic news. I am so happy for all of you 💜

Congratulations to your daughter!