Depression and Relationships (Romantic, Friends, Family, etc)
 

At what point do you "give up" on someone who is clearly battling with depression, so much so that it takes a toll on your own life?

Non-hypothetical Example: I put together a care package for a friend who is having a rough go at it. (Nevermind what was in it, but you can believe it was thoughtful, fun, and while not terribly expensive, still more than I would spend on someone I liked less lol)

Well the package was sent back (no specific notice, was just marked Returned to Sender by post office), and he is not answering texts, phone calls, emails, or facebook messages. (I am not stalking him, but I did want to make sure he was not dead.)

Asked a mutual friend had he heard from him and he was like yeah, he posted in our GroupMe yesterday.

I know that his pattern is to retreat and not "bother" anyone else with his problems when he is experiencing stress and/or depression, and I can respect that, but I do feel as though I am owed an explanation about why this package was returned to me when I had just confirmed his mailing address not more than three weeks ago.

What do you all think?

I would be interested in hearing what y'all have to say too.

Has he gotten on medication? I say this as someone who comes from a family that needs medication. LOL (Hey, sometimes humor is how you handle these things--that's what my sis and I decided. If you don't laugh you'll cry). If I'm irreverent here, it's not because I don't understand or don't care. Trust me, been there and done that.

Don't give up on your friend. Keep chipping away at him. He may push you away, but please don't give up. Not sure how else to say it. :) He will remember you as the one who helped him out of his funk. Most of the time, we don't want to bother anyone and we will push you away, but we secretly love you pushy friends. :D

My mother is schizo-affective bi-polar (she got permanently institutionalized when I was in my late 20s), my nephew is ADHD with OCD, my sis is OCD and I'm clinically depressed with a different sort of OCD. Mine's 'easily' handled with 150mg of Zoloft. My nephew had crippling OCD one summer of his high school year. He literally could barely function. My fam is the gamut of psychiatric issues. ;) Feel free to ask me anything. The irony is that at once during my undergrad, I thought about changing my major to psychology.

you can get comfortable in your depression, so to speak, and not want to be dragged out of it. You avoid those who you know will question you, challenge you, and maybe make you face uncomfortable truths. I don't by any means Mean that you would grill him and ask him a bunch of questions, more that you will bring things up just by your presence.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. As you know I've been a tad fuzzy the past few weeks.

I appreciate your candor AND your irreverence. Thank you.

I do understand. He hates that I am a fixer and I have tried to be less of a fixer and more of a listener and thoughtful gift giver.

Thanks guys. I think i can deal well with anything life throws me except when people shut off communications. I have even dealt with old friends who have themselves been institutionalized due to psychosis - yes I am pretty damn proud of myself in a non-smug way. lol

I'm a born fixer and in need of psychiatric meds. Yep. I'm a full bag. (Sense of humor is key) Please don't hesitate to ask questions. I'm all out helping others with my weirdness. As a songwriter, holy cats, it was Mack daddy.

I thought I'd chime in as someone who has dealt with bouts of depression most of her life. Thankfully medication and lifestyle adjustments have helped tremendously.

At any rate, I think if a friend had taken the time to send a care package even in my worst days I would have still accepted it regardless and at least sent a thank you even if it was a quick e-mail or text. And while I do empathazie with your friend and what they are going through to me it seems like it was sort of a passive-aggressive move on their part. Unless they magically managed to move between the time you confirmed their address and when you mailed the package out.

With that possibility noted above, I think the best course is to let them know you care for them and if they need help to reach out and leave it at that. I also believe with depression that people need to realize on their own when they should ask for and get help, I know in my own situation in those moments I just felt like I had no control over life (even though in hindsight I did). As hard as that might be for fixers to hear. Best of luck.

Thank you, andthen. I just emailed him saying I care and that I'm here and I explained what was going on with the package, including the tracking number so he can look into it himself if he wanted.

(I did google map the address just to see if it was valid as I had it written down, and it is an apartment building - he never send me an apartment number, so perhaps that was the issue, but that still doesn't explain the lack of contact after that. *shrug*)

In depressive bouts, I have done the thing where I know I have to return a phone call or email or something, and then I don't, and then time passes and it feels like it would be weird to get back to the other person, so then I don't, and more time passes....etc.

Send a post card every month or so if you want to make them know that door is still open. I say post card because unlike emails or letters, no one has to make the decision to open them.

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That is so smart. Thanks, Kevin.

Don't give up on your friend and don't write him/her off. If he/she harmed him/herself after you had cut ties it might be hard to deal with. Strength to you Sen.

I know, right? I like that idea!

I am trying so hard lol.... incidentally, the stuff I got (which includes adult coloring books) actually makes my anxiety worse lolol

ABSOLUTELY. LOL

Just keep in mind, this isn't about you - this is about him so being less of a fixer, more of a listener, etc. may not matter at all.

On that same token, you can have permission to cut off ties if you need to for you. First thing is to always take care of yourself.

I needed to hear this, too.

I might be a lot of things, but someone with some level of depression and anxiety is among them, so I am definitely trying to draw the line between support and self care for myself.

So he called tonight, which was a surprise.

He was profusely apologetic.

Regarding the package: We figured out it was because there was no apartment number listed on the label. He had forgotten to text it to me, but also he usually still gets his mail even without it. I figured it was something simple like that.

Regarding his radio silence: He said something pretty sad and sweet at the same time. He said he didn't respond to my messages because he didn't want to lie and say he was okay when he wasn't.

He had some pretty major trauma this summer (family and professional) and he pretty much shut down.

We're working on it. I would really like for him to find a good therapist. I will also be doing all I can to let him know he doesn't have to get through a crisis on his own.

What she said plus I will actually say "amazing friend".

I will chip in a say when I finally sought help years ago, just talking to a professional helped a lot. I really hope your friend does find a good therapist.

Ditto to what has been said already, you are a very good friend. Sending positive vibes your way. And I hope your friend is able to find a good therapist to sort through what's going on in their life. I'm forever grateful to my therapist from long ago. It took some time but eventually I was able to see the forrest from the trees.

Reaching out is a very positive step though for your friend.

So glad your friend got back to you. :D

Hey cool! Glad to see everything is working out.

There have been further updates. Won't get into details (for his privacy), but I resent the package and it did arrive. Still no word on what he thought about it; that and the fact that days were passing before he would return text messages, well that was annoying/upsetting, but I took what you guys said (as well as some of you offline) and quickly remembered that he was silent because of his illness, not because of a personality flaw.

So I decided to do what Kevin said, in a manner of speaking. Rather than postcards, I decided "You know what? Everybody gets text messages." So I've been texting him words of encouragement every few days. The focus has been how I care about him and don't "need" him to do anything for me but be well. The last thing he send me the other day was that he has read every text message and they are getting him through the days.

It feels good to be helpful. I know I can't fix clinical depression, but I can be a beacon, I suppose.

It can be tough perhaps not seeing things go back to the way that they might have been prior to this. But it's good to know that he's getting the texts and he knows that you care. He's so fortunate to have someone like you rooting for him. Thanks for the update Sen.

Depression ain't no joke. Been there, done that and got the therapy bills to prove it.
And you feel so helpless at times
You are an amazing friend. The little gestures you are doing speak huge volumes!

Glad you were finally able to get through!!