A brother in the fraternity I'm pledging is dating my ex
 

I know I shouldn't care and it's none of my business what this guy does with his free time, but it's super uncomfortable for me. I didn't know about this until after I accepted my bid. We talked about it and he seems really cool, but he did warn me that I would probably see her a lot around the house (cause he would bring her over). I'm expecting the "get over it" responses but the situation is much more delicate than that so it would be really preferable if I didn't see her. We are not on speaking terms to say the least. I'm only a pledge and I don't want to give them a bad impression of me, but at the same time I really need to tell him that I would be really uncomfortable with him bringing her over all the time. I don't see what the big deal is, the events are only for 2-3 hours, and he can see his gf right afterward. But he seems pretty insistent on bringing her over.

Is there anyway I can confront this?

Assuming you're serious and not a troll: have you considered getting some counseling or therapy or something along those lines? I mean that in the kindest way possible. Your insecurities appear to be crippling your ability to function as an adult.

I'm confused. Yesterday afternoon you posted a thread stressing over why other guys have gotten bids, but not you. Now, today, not only do you have a bid, but you're already attempting to tell a brother how and when he should spend time with his girlfriend? I understand that she is your ex-girlfriend; but, honestly, as a pledge, I just don't think you have enough grease to make those requests and you will most likely end up being THAT guy.


I absolutely agree with this suggestion. sialater, I think you would benefit from chatting with a professional about what appear to be some very strong insecurities.

You, as a pledge, are essentially a guest in HIS house. You don't get to dictate who comes over and who doesn't. You either need to find a way to get over it or pledge elsewhere.

I agree that sialater should probably seek some kind of support system for his aversion to his ex and that learning to deal with awkward situations is a part of life. However, I find this idea that his degree of membership makes him "less than" and doesn't guarantee him the right to feel safe and comfortable problematic.

As a one-day-new pledge he's probably not living in the house. The guy he has an issue with probably IS.
If I had a new roommate move in and tell me to re-arrange my life to suit them I'd tell them to keep apartment hunting.
This isn't an issue of safety. This is a scorned ex-boyfriend who hasn't moved on.

SERIOUSLY?? Suck it up, buttercup.

After all of your whining about not getting a bid, being "super frustrated" and now "super uncomfortable," you actually got a bid.... and now less than 24 hours later you are COMPLAINING and trying to get him not to bring his girlfriend around? You don't have the juice to make any requests at this point. You are not going to get initiated with this attitide and will find yourself out of any brotherhood if you keep this crap up .

Here's how I feel about this thread:

Lololololololololol

Which is not really the situation here.

sialater, I get that this is uncomfortable. But stuff like this happens in life, and now is as good a time as any to learn how to deal with it. You really aren't in any position to ask him not to bring her over, and you certainly don't need to be giving him details of your history with her at this point. If nothing else, learn how to stay on the opposite side of the room from her, but don't be rude about it.

Unless there's a PFA floating around, you're going to just need to deal. You spoke to the brother about it and say he seemed cool - it could very easily have gone the other way and your bid could have been rescinded. Being mature about an uncomfortable situation (and not asking for things like him leaving his girlfriend home during events) will improve your status in the fraternity's eyes.

Plus, if she's in a sorority, the last thing you want to do is piss her whole chapter off.

Troll?

He was complaining about not getting a bid, then less than 24 hours later, he received one, never even announced it, and has already had a discussion with a brother about his girlfriend and not wanting her to come around the house? Not really buying it.

Agreed.

I agree that his request that the brother not bring his girlfriend around is unreasonable. I do feel that your comment speaks to a systemic issue with how we treat the newest members of our organizations, troll or not.

One of life's great lessons is that it is almost never all about you and your needs. This applies even if you are deprived, especially deserving, "have been through a lot," or have suffered some sort of personal tragedy.
People will care about your needs to a certain extent, but the reality is that they have perfectly valid needs of their own as well. And wanting your girlfriend to feel comfortable and welcome in your own home is one such valid need.

Learn how to deal. I would venture that a lot of college students have been through this situation -- I went through it myself, watching an ex date a close friend. They are both still friends of mine to this day (but broke up with each other a very long time ago.)

This is part of the reason why you always want to leave dating relationships on good terms, if you possibly can. That person may re-enter your life in the future in one capacity or another.

Since when is feeling discomfort about someone close to you dating someone you used to have a relationship with a puerile reaction? I understanding you probably mean it in a good way, but I highly disagree that feeling discomfort over the fact that we are not allowed to speak to each other even though I will probably see more of her now is immature and warrants therapy.

Rush events lasted for a week. On Friday/Saturday/Sunday whenever I made those posts I was rushing 2 different frats where I didn't know anyone. On Monday 2 close friends in a different frat invited me to their invite only events. I attended and made friends with the rush chair who gave me a bid the next day.

I honestly thought this would be a safe place to voice some concerns about Greek Life considering the fact that I'm new to Greek life. I made those posts with the idea that I could understand how I could improve myself as a person. I see now that whatever posts I make, I'm going to be regarded as a troll. I sincerely apologize I voiced discomfort about a situation that I know will be awkward, and for trying to get different perspectives on the bid process so I can know how to improve myself (must b teh fact im nt a "functioning adult" lls and probz only 12 years old for having bad feelsies about not being able to talk to my ex amirite?)

I was mislead, and I sincerely apologize for destroying the sanctity of this site.

You used "puerile" to describe your reaction, I did not. Neither did I say anything about immaturity. I find your word choices very telling. Looks like I hit a nerve by accident.

Let me elucidate: you, by your own admission, overthink everything. That's just for starters. What you've shared here strongly suggests insecurities. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin is a good place to start, instead of defining yourself by outside events.

I wish you the best of luck.

XDDDDDDDD so true bruh I have so much free time on my hands I concocted this hilaaaaarious idea to post on a forum about a situation that many people would feel uncomfortable about so I can get a better idea about what the best way to proceed way to be. hahahahahaha so funny amirite?

Why are you "not allowed" to talk to your ex? Does she have a restraining order on you?

It sounds like she's comfortable attending events with you there, per what your new brother is telling you, so it seems like you should give them the same courtesy. Sorority and fraternity members date sisters' and brothers' exes...awkward, but not unusual

Congratulations on having a bid extended to you. One of the first things I learned when I started in my membership was that I was new and had no room to make demands on the membership. Another thing I learned was that I was in a FRATERNITY not a FRAT. I was not ever to call my organization a frat.

My advice to you is, take a breath, calm down, learn the history and everything you can about your organization. Stop worrying about who is dating whom.

Will she be at all events? Is it mandatory that you attend the events that she might attend?

I too am curious as to whether there is some legal reason the OP and his ex cannot be in the same room. Is there OP?

As noted many times on GC, this is something that can vary from GLO to GLO and campus to campus. He should take his lead from those in his chapter whether "frat" is appropriate or not. He should also be aware when talking to others not on his campus (including on GC) that even if it's okay for his org and campus, many elsewhere may find "frat" inappropriate or disrespectful.

I think we should ban that word here. I cringe every time I see it.

Eh. Banning words is never a good idea.

I think the over-reaction to it is at least as annoying as the word itself. I rarely use it, but it doesn't bother me, and I think that the idea that it is somehow less than respectful is fairly ludicrous. References to "the dear old frat" or the like were common in many fraternities not that long ago. Avoidance of the word by many groups has nothing to do with the idea that "frat" is somehow disrespectful and everything to with fairly recent desires to distance fraternities from a "frat boy," "frat house" image. It's the same motivation that led to "recruitment" instead of "rush" and "new member" instead of "pledge." There's nothing wrong with a determination that "fraternity" is preferable "frat," but there's no point in treating "frat" like some kind of dirty word.

Well, I've been Greek since 1963 and it's never been acceptable in my circles. But then again, I'm from the deep South and we offend much more easily than others...and this term offends me. Just my never-to-be-humble, Southern Belle point of view...

Ha! Fair enough.

I'm from the South, too—though not Deep South—and rarely saw any one flinch when the word was used. I don't recall ever seeing anyone make an issue of not using it until the last few decades.

But serious question, because I'd like to understand: Why does the word offend you? I mean, what makes it offensive as opposed to, say, simply inappropriate or to be discouraged?

I'd say because when I heard it used it was always in the context of a "poser." So someone trying to pass for Greek or thinking it's cool to say so that they will be "in" - if you get my drift. One of those "bless his heart" sort of things....

I always associate it with the most negative stereotypes. "Frat guy" behavior...

And it's also given birth to the hideous "srat." How do you even pronounce that?

Still have not figured this out, and I speak five languages, two of the dead. I do not get it at all.

I don't recall any negative connotations associated with "frat" when I was in college. I don't like it when "frat" is used as some type of synonym for inappropriate behavior.

Srat...ugh. I'm wondering if that arose as an amusing way to describe women's fraternities? It still seems strange to address a package to my daughter with "Pi Beta Phi Fraternity" -- so I write sorority, even though that isn't technically correct.

The other day she texted me to say she was "freezing her sratty booty off."

Another usage: "Srat Squat" -- front row women leaning forward for group pictures.

Thanks Titchou. Given that context, I can understand your reaction.

What doesn't make sense to me is the reason I've typically heard: that it is somehow inherently disrespectful to shorten "fraternity" to "frat." This reason is often backed up by The Very Stupid Analogy involving ones country. That one makes no sense to me at all, especially since it leads to the conclusion that it's not inherently disrespectful to shorten the actual name of the fraternity (to something like Kappa Sig, Pi Kapp or Sig Ep), but that shortening the noun "fraternity" is terribly disrespectful.

And that is generally the real issue, I think. Linguistically/etymologically, shortening "fraternity" to frat" is no different from shortening "the dormitories on the quadrangle" to "the dorms on the quad." It's a standard Englah practice that often suggests familiarity and often even affection—hence the references one can find in older writings such "dear old frat." But somewhere along the line, "frat" acquired a negative connotation for many Greeks, and that's why many GLOs and why Greeks on many campuses discourage use of it. I do think it's important, though, to remember that there are groups and campuses where the negative connotation hasn't been seen as so strong as to require avoiding the word altogether.

As for "srat" and "srat to," those are just terrible made up words that need to go away.

Sort of like when I came home from first semester at boarding school outside the south and said something was "bitchin'." Almost got me backhanded across the dining room.