Is This Low Self- Esteem??
 

OK, so a few weeks back I was talking to some co-workers about one of my friends getting recently engaged. Well we were talking about how her ring doesnt exactly look like an engagement ring. Its not a diamond ring, its a sapphire, and if you just looked at her hand you wouldnt know it was an engagement on, youd think its a normal ring (I can see some unknowing person going "So how come your not wearing your ring").
Anyways, we're all kind of saying that it should have been a diamond or at least cubic zicornia. Normally, I wouldnt be making fun of the ring or anything, but i dislike her finance and only tolerate him as my other friends so because we love her, plau the fact that he bragged that not even the people at Microsoft and Bill Gates could afford the ring, and that he picked it out b/c HE liked it, not her. When she told me she got engaged, how much the ring cost and believe me Bill Gates could afford 10 thousand of them :rolleyes:
Anywho, Ive always said I didnt need an engagement ring and that got some stares. Then they started to talk about the rings they wanted and how big the carrats HAD to be... thats when I said ...
Thats when I was told I have some self -esteem issues. One of them was like it seems like you'll take a ring from anyone, byt that statement. Thats completely not what I meant.
What i meant is .... if this is someone who you truely love and youve wanted to ask that person to marry you, you should be happy that person wants to put a ring on your hand and not bitching b/c of the size, carrats, style whatever of it. Would it be nice to have the ring you want? Sure! But ppl buy what the can afford.
Anyone see where I have low self-esteem here???:confused:

I agree 100%! It's the symbolism that matters, not the composition of the ring itself. But I could see how they interpreted what you said as, "Oh, catching any man is such an accomplishment that you should be grateful for whatever he gives you."

If they are picking fiances by the size of the ring, they'll end up with the first rich jerk that comes along.

It sounds like some of your friends have the problem, not you. You show no signs of having "low self-esteem"... You just aren't materialistic like they are. I understand exactly what you mean. It doesn't matter what the ring looks like or how much it costs -- it's how much you love the person who gave it to you and how much he loves you! :D

You can be wearing a rock on your finger so big that you need help lifting your hand, but if your guy doesn't love you it's not worth a dime!

I guess in a lil way I can seem them thinking I meant that... but damn, he just looked at me like he pittied me, even after I tried to explain it.

"You can be wearing a rock on your finger so big that you need help lifting your hand, but if your guy doesn't love you it's not worth a dime! " dzrose93
I have to agree, it doesn't matter if the ring is .005 carats or 500 carats if the ring has meaning and you are in love who cares what other people think!!!

I agree totally. What's point of a symbol without the feeling behind it??

first of all, I agree with everyone that you don't have a self-esteem problem. Here's a somewhat related engagement ring story:

When we got engaged, I didn't want this big old hunk of shiny stuff on my finger. I'd been engaged before and that damned ring was a source of major problems. When Jon and I decided to get married, all I wanted was a certain wedding band, set with some stones (diamonds and sapphires, which happen to be our birthstones). So, we get engaged, we announce it to the family, etc. Everyone is happy, we're getting notes and phone calls. All is good.

I've got this cousin that is just a nosy-parker. Has to know everything about everyone and you NEVER hear from her unless she wants to know the skinny or dirt. So, about 4 months after we announce our engagement, she calls me. We chit-chat about stuff for a while, then the question comes "How big is your engagement ring? I heard Jon's family is loaded, so I'm sure you got a ROCK". I mean, you can practically hear her drooling she wants this information so bad...

So, I tell her the truth, that I didn't want an engagement ring. My gosh, the silence was deafening..followed by "Why not? Etc." I felt so good throwing her for a loop. I'm sure the minute we hung up the phone (about 30 seconds later), she was on the phone to her mother to report in. This is the same cousin that has this really great hubby, but she berates him all the time. I sat at family dinner with them one night when she was going on (&on&on) about how Jerry was going to buy her a diamond tennis bracelet for her birthday and how she was going to get a carat in EACH EAR for their anniversary. Poor guy just sat there and nodded stupidly.

Moral of the story - stupidity comes in all forms. Be a duck and let it roll off your back.

My opinion is, each person should get what will make them happy. This doesn't mean you should go expecting a six-carat Harry Winston or whatever. If you don't want an engagement ring, then that's cool. If you want a sapphire or a ruby or an opal or whichever stone, that's cool too. Engagement rings, or even the lack of them, express not only the love between you and your fiance, but something about YOU. In my opinion, its the girls who NEED their fiance to give them a ROCK who have low-self esteem... they have to broadcast to the whole world that they have this man (to make them feel good about themselves?) whereas if you don't need an engagement ring, you are secure enough with yourself to know that YOU love your man... and that's all that really matters when it comes down to it.

As I expressed in another thread, I am a total Charlotte type, and I have my dream ring... an emerald cut diamond in a classic platinum or white gold setting... and I want that ring because I feel like it is something that is very "me" - but if its .25 carats or 25 carats, I don't care, as long as I love the man who presents it to me. I'd rather love a poor man and have a tiny diamond (or even a CZ) than wear a ROCK from a rich man I don't care about.

I read in my old bf's TKE guide that they consider it permissible to give their pin as a token of engagement. I have certainly heard of pinning before, I just didn't know any fraternity officially allowed it. I think that would mean so much to me, even if others didn't understand.

How does that song go?

If you don't got that ring,
Then it don't mean a thing.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Didn't Marilyn Monroe sing it in some old movie. I guess this is show-girl showeyness of having "the ring" to validate that you made a good catch.

I agree that a "ring" doesn't make for a better marriage or engagement, BUT.... given a choice I'll take one...lol.

No self esteem issues with you! I have friends who have the carat minimum and I think its crazy. Here's my theory:

:I hope that it is a precious stone (preferably diamond but whatever)
:It cannot come out of a vending machine

After that, I could care less about what it looks like, as long as it is coming from the man I love, who cares?

Re: Is This Low Self- Esteem??
 

I don't think the particular situation means you have low self-esteem, but why did it bother you so much? I think you should take a look at why the comment hurt you.

Re: Re: Is This Low Self- Esteem??
 

ummm it didnt hurt me one bit. It just caught me off guard to hear someone think that about me. I know I dont have it, which is why i was like, ok where is this coming from? I just wanted to see if ppl could see why it was said and what they thought.

No, believe me, it's not low self-esteem.

Sapphire engagement rings are more common than you think. My dream ring is a sapphire (either solitaire or surrounded by diamonds, but set in white gold or platinum either way). If I remember correctly, Princess Diana had a sapphire engagement ring, didn't she?

But I'm with you. I think that I'd be so thrilled to be engaged I wouldn't care what the damn ring looked like! :D

First of all, no it is not low self-esteem.

Second of all, diamond engagement solitaires are an American convention. In Europe oftentimes it is a sapphire or other stone. (Anyone seen the ring Paul McCartney gave Heather Mills? He is worth 1 billion dollars....he could afford a 50 carat stone, and she got a sapphire.

But third, I think you should have what you want WITHIN REASON. Face it....this is something you will wear the rest of your life....it should at least be something you like. I also don't think there is anything wrong with "trading up" or even better, keeping your original and getting something bigger later. I'm a rock girl, for which I can offer no apologies. Actually the whole ring thing was kind of an issue with me and my hubby....I have a pretty nice ring by most people's standards, in fact I have had people comment on how big it is (which never ceases to shock me because I don't think it's so big!) But I still fantasize about something bigger. Basically I just like big chunky jewelry, and I think the most prominent jewel on a woman's body should be her engagement ring because it represents her relationship and that should come first. I think it looks tacky to have this little quarter carat stone and then have a huge one hanging around your neck, but that's just me. But if you refuse someone you love because the ring isn't what you hoped, that is just ridiculous.

I said my piece earlier. But, I agree with Erika that an engagement ring is THE main piece of jewelry I would love to wear. Other pieces are nice, but nothing is so special or symbolic as that. The stone does not have to be golf ball size, but I would hope its a diamond and larger than a pinhead.

While some may say, "love is the important thing, not the ring," I say, "true," but all things being equal (i.e., there is a good reason for him not giving a ring), then YES the ring is important, and it should be a priority for him, just as I should be a priority, too.

It may be PC or seem "ultra modern" to minimize the ring, or forego a big wedding, or h'mmm, not get married at all and just live together. That may be your ticket, but its not mine.

Getting married IS a big deal to me and I want all the pomp and ritual that goes with it. I know lots of guys who would rather skip all this baloney (as some guys might say), but hey!!!...."I'm worth it."...lol.

Can you just explain why the ring should be a priority?? Im not saying that your wrong for saying this, its what you want, but could you just explain this?

An engagement ring is part of our culture and tradition, just like being engaged and getting married are, too. Do I have to be engaged?...NO. Do I HAVE to have a ring?...NO. But these traditions are important and are a priority to me and those close to me.

The ring and the engagement symbolize a commitment between the two of us. When a guy gives the girl an engagement ring, he gives her something precious for life (you don't just wear the engagement ring while you are engaged). It's something of value to him (he earns the money to pay for it) and to her (she treasures it and wears it prominently for all to see).

The committment, the ring, and the engagement are a priority. You could skip any or all of these and go to a JoP and get married right away. Many do.

Why do we have rituals in a sorority? You could have a sorority without them. Why have a pin? You don't HAVE to have one. But the rituals, symbols, and traditions are a special part of the whole experience. And yes, they are a priority. If I am gonna be in XYZ sorority, I want the letters and traditons that go with it. Otherwise, a group of gals could meet on Friday night at the Union and hang out.

The rituals and symbols cost both in time and dollars, but they are a priority in that are a REAL part of what they represent. You can take them away, and still have something (i.e., you could still be engaged), but a piece would seem to be missing. So, unless there is a specific reason NOT to have an engagement ring, then having one is a priority.

[ps: If you are both starving artists, for example, then a ring could be set aside. But too often I have heard ladies get talked out of one by some guy who doesn't want to waste the money or would rather get a 32" TV.]

I totally agree with H2oot......the ring should be a priority because to me it should be a symbol of his love for you. I'm not saying a guy should put himself in the poorhouse to get something he can't afford, but if he is doing ok for himself he has no excuse to be a cheapskate. A lot of guys get this attitude of "She's lucky I'm proposing at all, so she'll take what I give her and like it!" That is just baloney. If he really cares about you he will try to give you something that you love not only because it is an engagement ring but because it is beautiful and makes you feel like he went to an effort. I actually did know a guy who wouldn't buy a ring because he wanted a jetski instead.....he had told his girlfriend he couldn't afford a ring over and over, and then he turned up with the jetski. She found out about it and dumped him.

Plus some guys get soooooo hung up over quality and value of the stone. I have known guys who could have bought a pretty nice sized ring but got a little tiny chip because it's "flawless!" Well, I have never had anyone come up with one of those jeweler's monocles to inspect my ring for flaws. If that is what is important to the girl, fine. But if she specifically says SIZE first, then that is what he should go with. I think people get too hung up on the monetary value of the ring.....it is only worth what it is worth to the person who wears it, ideally forever. Why does the money value count? You planning to sell it? See what I mean?

Well, I agree with a lot of what everyone said but, if he wants me to say yes, then there is the right ring to give me.

Like the Sex and the City when Carrie saw the ugly ring first...well, if he loves me, he knows me and he would know what I want. In case he forgets, I have the issue of Martha Stewart WEDDING with it in there and there should be no question about what I like.

Sounds kinda rude, but I wouldn't buy him something expensive unless I knew his taste, why waste money on something that she wouldn't enjoy?

I have a question
 

Ok...I have a question. What makes it an engagement ring? Will any diamond ring go? Does it have to be a certain cut?

Well THAT'S a tough question......traditionally it is a diamond solitaire, any cut. Some people like other embellishments such as baguettes, channel-set band, etc. Some people like other gemstones. Basically if you ask a girl to marry her and you give her a ring when you propose, it's an engagement ring.

It is not low self-esteem. Love ought to be the priority. I do believe that if a man truly loves a woman and wants to marry her, he will buy her something of value that she will proudly wear for her lifetime. I think that does not necessarily mean diamonds although that has become the traditional engagement gift in this country. With everything that is going on in Sierra Leone, I have questions about diamonds. Actually, I have always admired emeralds.
What do you think of this two months salary rule for an engagement ring?

Emeralds are traditionally given in Celtic cultures. Unfortunately, they are not really suitable for a lifetime of wear since they are just not very durable stones. Although, I do know a few women who've owned thier emerald engagement rings for a good 30 years or more with little damage to the stone.