Rejected by My Sorority
 

I joined a sorority at my school as a freshman not knowing I was going to transfer. Making the decision to transfer was difficult but I ended up making it spring quarter of my freshman year. As soon as I made it into my current school, I reached out to my sorority. It took them months to respond to me and when they did they kept referring me to other people in the sorority, sending me in circles. The chapter advisor herself never responded to me until I contacted nationals and they emailed me. After being at school for 4 weeks and being in touch with the sorority for 3 months, I was finally able to meet one of the girls. She was director of COB and even admitted in the meeting that she was appointed to the position and didn't want it. She brought one of her friends from the chapter with her and didn't seem interested in getting to know me at all. Two weeks later the chapter voted on me, and the only information that they had was the opinion of the girl I met and a 350 word paper they had me write. Basically, I had to get a majority vote from 150 girls based on the opinion of only one person that had met me. I was rejected, and now because of NPC rules I can't join any other sorority.
I feel disrespected by the chapter at my school and feel that they gave me even less opportunity to introduce myself than PNMs get during recruitment even though I am a sister. My problem is that I don't feel that I should be held to the lifelong commitment if my sorority does not uphold their part of the bargain. They give the chapter the ability to decide on transfers because different chapters are different at other schools, but they do not give the girl the same ability. My sorority also said that I can resign and send back everything sorority related I have and then I will have no affiliation with them, but even then I cannot join another sorority.

You cannot join another NPC sorority, no matter how unfairly you feel you've been treated. The rules apply to all members of NPC sororities. There are no extenuating circumstances that will change this rule for anyone.

Your best option at this point is to remain in good standing with your sorority and become an active alumna. There's always the possibility that a chapter won't be interested in affiliating transfer sisters. Perhaps you could get to know the members better and they could vote again later, but if you've annoyed them, reported them, etc., that ship may have sailed. At this point, avoid aggravating your sorority further. This isn't a situation that can be remedied by making yourself appear less sisterly. Don't burn any more bridges.

As someone who transferred and affiliated, I think it is wise to reach out to the new chapter ahead of time. Be friendly, sisterly, enthusiastic, and see what kind of vibe you get back. I think this is a better strategy than making contact once you've already transferred, because you can't assume all chapters will be equally welcoming to transfer sisters. Frankly, if they're not, forcing the issue probably won't result in a happy experience anyway.

It sounds like she made contact as soon as she was accepted at the new school. OP, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I hope you can find other ways to get involved and make friends at your new school.

Actually, you do have the ability to decide. You decide whether or not to try to affiliate. Each individual NPC sorority has its own policy on affiliations. Some require a chapter vote, others do not. I have seen affiliations that were very successful, and others that did not work out. One member had to resign her membership after affiliating because she had financial difficulties. Had she not affiliated, she would have remained a member (although not an active at the school where she transferred).

I'm really sorry that it didn't work out for you, but I would give serious consideration to NOT resigning.

Out of curiosity....depending on the sorority, would the OP be able to be involved with the national or international on a bigger scale than just her school?

Are there any district volunteer positions that she could be involved in so that she was still active with the sorority in whole?

I ask becuase I had a similar situation where I transferred schools also and the chapter of my fraternity at the new school was a really old chapter and they acted as if they were autonomous from the national fraternity and all....giving me the talk that even thought we have the same letters, "at our school they mean something different and special...."

So, I just became very active on a national scale and served on a committee and was able to enjoy my undergrad experience on a national scale rather than just at that school.

Just a thought.

Her best option at this point would be to investigate joining a local alumnae chapter to gain more experience within her group.

QFP.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave/when first we practice to deceive"

I'm talking about face-to-face contact, stopping by the house and introducing yourself before transferring...actually meeting people. Alumnae and sisters from other chapters do this. This is a situation that calls for in-person interaction, which the OP admits. She met 2 sisters, but the rest of her contact seems to have been calls and/or emails to the chapter and nationals. And, it "escalated" to complaining to nationals, which probably led to a negative reaction from the chapter before the vote.

As sad as this is for the OP, I think there is a cautionary tale here for others who are interested in transferring/affiliating.

What Sciencewoman said. Chapters always need alumnae volunteers. You should volunteer to help behind the scenes with recruitment and philanthropy events. If alumnae are allowed to attend chapter, you should go to some chapter meetings. Tell people that you are available to help out.

If you contact the chapter advisory board, they can direct you to stuff that you can help with.

Good luck!

It may be possible for her to volunteer with Panhellenic as well. I transferred and was able to help with recruitment from the Panhellenic angle.

^^^Probably not able to help with recruitment since there is an active chapter at the school she's attending - but otherwise, that's a great idea, to get involved with Panhellenic! I think at this point she may be best off to turn her sights away from the collegiate angle and explore other avenues.

Perhaps in a year she may have the opportunity to affiliate, if she's made friends within the chapter. It IS possible to turn a negative impression into a positive, but it sure takes work.

This isn't the question you asked, but I do just want to say there could be a lot of reasons that a chapter would vote not to accept a transfer, and many of them are not personal. Try not to feel like this is a judgement on you as a person.

^ Great point. Also, the chapter may not have been familiar with transfer procedures. The OP probably won't ever know exactly what happened, but it could have nothing to do with her personally so to give up her membership would be a shame.

I am really sorry this happened to you. I would feel rejected and sad too. I agree, maybe the chapter has never had a transfer affiliate in recent memory, maybe they are socially awkward, maybe you dodged a big bullet.

Check out local alumni groups, and stay involved if you can. Alumni membership is great fun. Opportunities abound, and you never know where you might end up.

My chapter had the opportunity to affiliate a transfer student second semester of her junior year. Despite her short time in our chapter, she ended up being one of my best buds in the house, and I loved welcoming her to our chapter. I am sorry the same didn't happen for you, but seriously, you may have dodged a bullet. I would hate to be assigned an essay rather than talk in person!

Bolded times a bazillion.

Yes, this sucks. But what would suck more is if they had "accepted" you into the chapter and you paid dues - and were treated the same way.

Keep in mind that some groups may have limits on how soon an alum can be an adviser. We have a 3 year waiting period after leaving school. So that may not be an option.

Mine doesn't have that rule, but I like it. I think you need a "cooling off period" to really get that you are no longer an active.

We do, too, except in extreme conditions.

She could still be a member of the alumnae association, though.

OP was only a member for a semester (if that) before she transferred. So an advisory role wouldn't be appropriate, IMO.

OP, is it possible the members of the chapter at your new campus felt that you might have been trying to game the system, joining the sorority at another (non competitive) campus and then transferring to a competitive campus? I have no idea of the schools involved, and I'm not suggesting this is what you did, I just know from this board that in some regions (especially south) this happens, and chapters will sometimes not accept affiliates as a result. I like the suggestion from one of the posters to try to get to know the women in the chapter; perhaps they would be willing to reconsider your affiliation in the future. It would be a shame for you to resign your membership, though; it seems to me that there would be nothing for you to gain from that, but you could lose so many future opportunities at friendship, networking, volunteering, etc.

And there could be non-advisory volunteer opportunities, too.

Yes. CAB always knows when and where stuff is going on and when they'll need more hands for it.

Sorry I wasn't very clear.

I wouldn't suggest that the OP try to volunteer in an alumna role to assist the chapter that rejected her request to affiliate. I don't think that will go over well on either side.

As fulfilling as alumna membership has been to most of us posting on this board, it is not anything nearly close to what most 19 year olds are seeking out of sorority membership. My suggestion to the OP is that she does reach out to the local alumna chapter with the understanding that there will be some activities that she is interested in and other that she is not. I would also encourage her to seek out other on campus organizations that will not replace active sorority membership may help to fill that social void that I'm sure she's feeling right now.

I would also encourage the OP to continue to seek out friendships in an organic way with active members of her sorority via other campus organizations. Perhaps she might have another chance to affiliate in time or be invited to some events. I know rules vary from sorority to sorority.

I know you didn't ask, but you should give serious thought as to whether or not you wear your letters on campus. If you don't care about affiliating later in your college career, then I guess go fot it. You earned the letters and you ARE still a sister with the right to wear them.

Just understand that wearing the letters has the possibility to really piss off the active members. If you are going to try to affiliate later, I would suggest toning down wearing your sorority gear. Wearing a simple necklace, bracelet or ring probably won't get you the stink eye. Wearing a shirt with big, stitched petters will probably destroy any chance of making friends with the actives. Just my 2 cents worth...

Got to say that I agree with you, Hart. The OP's story makes me really sad.

It's also possible that if the transfer was between 2 vastly different schools - say, Yale to LSU or vice versa - she might not have felt comfortable or been accepted in ANY sorority, not just her own.

As I said, as much as it stings, I think I'd rather have a chapter lay their cards on the table and say "NOKD" rather than be accepted on paper only and not in practice.

I get what you are saying, but I think that relationships are built by suiting up and showing up and being friendly and helpful.

So maybe ask if you can help? And then back off if they say "No."

That's possible, though it does seem as if having already been selected to join a sisterhood in a process where selection favors the GLO, that the weight of this decision should fall more so to the transferring member.

True enough -- it may even be that affiliating (in practice) on a campus where you have no previous contacts is a little awkward in general.

I think this might be awkward for a college sophomore who feels the chapter has already said "no." And it may not be viewed favorably by the actives if perceived as an attempt to subvert their decision.

^^^^ Delete your identifying information. You will be very easy to identify and given what you have already posted you want to remain as anonymous as possible.

Someone please correct me if I am wrong but I thought all NPC groups considered initiated members at schools where there is no chapter to be alumnae.

But she is at a school with a chapter, and that dovetails into something else I was going to ask. I remember a thread on here where a woman transferred to a school with her group (I don't remember who) and elected not to affiliate, and was told by her hq that she either had to affiliate or turn in her membership. What happens with a policy like that in a case like the OP's?

I guess add this to AI policies as regards to all 26 being all over the map.

Well, she didn't elect to not affiliate. The chapter chose not to accept her. That's the difference here. In my mind, the chapter kick her over to alum status. I could see if she didn't try but she did.

And way back in the day, CPH could have rules against affiliation if the chapter was at or above total. What did that do with them back then in that case?

If there's a sorority out there that doesn't allow a vote by the chapter (i.e. a transfer student is automatically allowed to affiliate), then you'd be comparing apples and oranges.

I'd hope there's no GLO out there that allows the chapter to decide and if they turn you down, you have to turn in your letters.

^^well, I'd hope not too, but at this point who knows.

And yes Titchou, I agree - she should become an alum upon the chapter's negative vote.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments. This has been a really hard time that tried my faith in greek life and it is wonderful to see that there are still so many wonderful and helpful people out there in this organization.

krose28,
I can only imagine how difficult it is. My best suggestion is to reach out to your HQ and see what options they have available for you. Once they are able to official move you to alumna status, you may be able to join an alumnae chapter despite being currently enrolled in college. Don't lose faith you have many sisters (both your group and Panhellenic) that support you.

Also, I wonder if it's worth trying to become friends with a few of the sisters without the official vote. There are a lot of reasons you could have been denied affiliation that have nothing to do with you personally (including raw numbers and internal politics). If you can find a way to be above it and try to develop some friendships, maybe a vote can happen again at some point in the future.

But that can only happen if you are not bitter or angry, so regardless of how easy or valid those feelings are right now, try to not be. Even if what you want to do is hurl bricks through their windows :)

I completely understand how the OP feels because the EXACT same thing happened to me. I was forced to go alum while I was still in college. It was incredibly tough walking around campus and seeing my sisters and not being able to actually be involved with the chapter. It was even harder walking around wearing letters and being completely ignored by my sisters.

I lost ALL faith in ADPi for a long time. It took a lot of time for me to realize how much I love ADPi. It took even longer for me to get over my "hate" for the chapter that didn't affiliate me. But I did, it just takes time. As the saying goes "time heals all wounds".

Yes, I missed out on a collegiate experience and that was tough. But I still have my alumnae experience that I continue to learn and grow everyday.

Krose28-I sent you a private message.