She Didn't Make It
 

Yall..i meet this gyrl on here and we became GREAT FRIENDS..But 2 days ago, we found out she didn't make the line. Needless to say she was hurt and she cried for 3 hours str8..Now she is about to drop out of school and move back home to work. She has a 3.7 gpa, smart, nice, funny, an excellent person.But, this is tearing her up. Yallll pleaseee help me..What do i say. how do i get her to see that just because they rejected her, she can go grad..That org. is bigger than the chapter at her school...she has lost weight, she won't eat, she won't come out of her room..its like her spirit is gone...HELPPPPP

Obviously this girl needs psychological help. Whenever one, puts social acceptance before personal hapiness, they will fail everytime. From your statement about her grades, I hypothesized that she thought that because of her grades and other qualities, she thought that she was a shoe in to make the line. I guess she didn't know that rush is so subjective. You have to make her understand that she is still one of God's creatures. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe she wasn't as ready as she thought she was. Sometimes others can see things in us that we can't see in ourselves. And grad chapter is a viable option. But seriously, if she's not, eating, sleeping, or coming out of her room...she has a serious problem. You shouldn't take those signs lightly. If you have to, get her parents or mental health workers involved. It's better to be safe than sorry. I know some people will be like get over it, but for some rejection is a hard pill to swallow.

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KAPPA ALPHA PSI FRATERNITY, INC.
SPR 97
XI LAMBDA

I'm sorry DGPhoney, but not eating and sleeping because she didn't make IS serious. Plus leaving school, when her grades are tight and she has all of these other nice qualities, then she should talk to someone.

FYI, some organizations don't have to tell why you didn't make it.

Besides, who says she will be accepted into a graduate chapter. I personally think it is harder, not saying that undergrad is easy, but I won't get into that. And switching orgs. won't make things easier, especially if they find out she submitted to another org, but I'm not getting into that either.

Nupe4Life and Ideal08 have good ideas about what God's plan is. Help her pray about it and try to do things with her to take her mind off of it.

Also, being rejected by that chapter may not be the only thing weighing on her mind. Try to help her as much as possible. Good luck.

[This message has been edited by c&c1913 (edited March 16, 2001).]

sorry to hear that Monique...i don't think it is worth quiting school for. she definitely sounds like it is a bit more deeper then the sorority she wanted membership in. becoming part of a sorority isn't for everyone.

it seems like she was well rounded but lacked something??? quiting isn't going to gain her points at all, because it appears she went to college just to pledge. there are certain levels that you have to be at mentally in order to function as a member in a sorority.

what are her activities...was she just doing them in vain to gain membership?

basically mah....

she has to get over it.

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MaMaBuddha

Devastating
Stimulating
Tantalizing
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Imaginer un métro rempli avec les anges tombés...

If you met her on Greekchat.. I hope she doesn't see this topic, cause I doubt it will make her feel any better... just a thought. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif

I believe Nupe is both right on and slightly off.

On: These are very bad signs and she may need to talk to someone . . . later.

Off: The timing, its only been two days. If this were going on for weeks that would be different.

In some ways joining a group, if you derive a lot of social acceptance from it, is like having a serious crush on someone, thinking they like you back, and then being cut off by them. Her reaction is similar.

I know guys that have trouble dealing with that (not that we would admit it) and I have seen girls totally fall apart for periods of time.

As for handling it . . . this is mostly from my dating experience but I have never met a girl that wanted to be told better luck next time (grad chapter), or it happened for a reason (fate thinks you suck also). . .

Remember people almost always hear the negative in well meaning advice when they feel emotionally bad.

Plus when people are emotionally distraught they usually are not to fond of reason and logic.

I would treat it like a bad crush situation.
Watch her actions and make sure she doesn't do anything Rash like withdraw from school. Or embarrassing like beg, or make a public spectacle. Don't tell her not to drop out of school (unless you think the tough strong person approach works with her), tell her to wait . . she can always wait a few weeks before withdrawing.

Time heals all wounds, if you can get her to wait a while and not imnpulsively screw her life up you have it made.

For the next little while just be there and synpathize, and then when you can tell the first edge has worn off (it takes a lot of energy to maintain emotional hysteria over time) start going over reasonable options, other orgs, grad chapter etc.

Then after a few more days start kicking her in the ass with your talk (if necessary) to keep her from wallowing in it.

Also, if you can get her out of her room and walking, or running, or some type of work out . . hit a heavy bag . . . Anything. It will help a lot. Bribe her, work out and a then buy her a full body massage.

Tension is in the body and muscles, its been proven that an utterly relaxed person doesn't experience emotional tension. And its hard to be tense after a good workout, steam bath, and massage.

Hope some of this helps.

Ideal08,

It couldn't have been said any better!



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*selah*

this is what is wrong with the greek system. pledging is extra-curricular. too many people, greek included, place far too much emphasis on being greek or trying to become greek. if she is that tight on paper, then clearly she has a lot going for her. it might be disappointing, but, you suck it up and move on. these organizations have been around for years and will be there for her later. it might be later this year or 10 years from now, but that should not prevent you from breathing in and out and eating. i have seen people prolong there undergrad waiting to for a chapter to come back to pledge, people prolonging their graduation to cross a line and that is counter to everything our organizations were founded upon. this may sound harsh but she needs to get a grip and finish the semester. breaking down will not endear her to chapter if she is still trying to apply. and honestly, she may not be ready mentally strong enough to go through a process. even in the best the case scenerio, it can be stressful.

I would definitely agree to that! I love AXO and it would have hurt like hell to lose her, but at least this girl has options -- we don't have a graduate intake. She needs to stand tall and move forward.

I don't know how it is for other org's (obviously, but I always feel compelled to put that disclaimer up!) but we don't discuss the bid process PERIOD -- after we take care of our business (ie, the active collegiate sisters) then it is dropped and NEVER open for discussion among ANYONE - sisters, prospects, or hopefuls. Too much ill could come from some of those discussions http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif.

Anyway - I would definitely encourage you to look out for her -- she may need some help getting back on her feet.

She had a 3.7? Did she have this GPA to SOLELY impress the members of that organization? Was she wasting her parent's or the federal government's money JUST to submit to an organization?

I think she does have some issues. One's purpose in going to college, SHOULD be to get an EDUCATION, NOT TO JOIN AN ORGANIZATION.

It is unfortuante that the young lady was denied membership, but one must remember that there is a 50/50 chance of getting in. There are NO guarantees.

Now, if she wants to leave school and work, then she can. Maybe she would not have really been an asset to the organization anyway. She wants to quit. So is that an indication that if things do not go her way that she will be the first one to bail? to quit?

I hope the young lady gets herself together! And think about her well-being as a PERSON, FIRST. AN ORGANIZATION DOES NOT MAKE YOU...YOU MAKE THE ORGANIZATION!

I hope she does see these posts. It may help her in her acceptance.

I've been where she's at right now in a way, and I think, even though she is acting in a very extreme manner, that she will be okay in time. I went through a horrible rejection that was sorority related, and although it's not really the same situation, I feel I can relate somewhat. I said a lot of drastic things afterwards that I didn't mean. I didn't end up quitting the org., and the fact that there were people who were just there for me helped tremendously.

Some people just don't deal well with rejection, especially if their heart was really set on it. I'm still bitter about my experience and probably always will be, but that doesn't mean that I did or meant the things I said immediately afterwards. Just give her some time and be her friend. She'll find her own way of dealing with it. At least that's what I did. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

James,
I think that your advice is right on the money. I like the dating metaphor, it is perfect. I think that everyone can relate to that. All and all, well said. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

First off, I am not saying that she shouldn't talk to someone, but to break it down and be like she has a pschy problem is kinda strong. A lot of people take rejection in different ways, and I am pretty sure you personally handle rejection in a different way as well. Although some orgs don't tell you some DO. also like the orginal posted said is has only been a day or two, some people take a bit to get over something like that. Also another one posted that greeks sometimes take it a bit far as to the whole theory of "being Greek" which I totally agree with, it is something extra-curricular , not a class, and not mandatory!

First off, does this young lady understand why she wasn't accepted? If so, she needs to move on with her life and get it together because everything happens for a reason.

If your girl is so upset, tell her to email me at her earliest convenience.

wow Nupe that was pretty harsh to say the girl needs pschy help, I do think though, that she needs to find out why she didn't make line, and what are her other options. it's totally different when a guy doesn't get accepted to when a girl doesn't get accepted. Although the concept is the same , the theory is different.
Besides telling her that being rejected isn't that bad, and yes she can do grad chapter, she has to also realize that each chapter on each campus is very different, with different personalities. Maybe latter on she'll go grad or find another org or something, I do with you and your friend the best of luck http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I agree totally with N4L. Explain to her that everything happens for a reason. She has to understand that her steps are ordered, and there is a reason that she didn't make line. She has to trust GOD's plan, not her own.

I thought the same thing. Maybe a private email would've been better.

Just wondering, was "gyrl" a typo?

Whoa...Spooky. I wondered the same thing.

no offense intended to those that have already crossed...but it is very easy to sit here and tell monique to tell her friend to suck it up and press on http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif from the other side...if it were you...would you be thrilled by someone telling you to suck it up and press on two days after having your heart ripped out...i have never applied for membership, therefore i have never been rejected, so i don't personally know how it feels...but i have witnessed what rejection from a sorority can do to people via associates and she may indeed be in a minor state of depression for a while...but that doesn't mean she needs psych help...it means she is human and that it is something she REALLY wanted badly...and it is not our place to judge her reasons for wanting it...if/when i ever apply and if/when i am rejected i expect that if not depression...all out war might errupt...no joke http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif but i hope she does not leave school over this because life is MUCH bigger than being in a sorority and sisterhood CAN be found elsewhere... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif and it doesn't take being in a sorority to be an asset to your community...a leader in your own right...or to develop into the woman you are ultimately meant to be...i wish her much success in her future endeavors...

peace and blessings...

"when its time to call that shrink up in beverly hills, you know the one, dr. everythingbealright...just go crazy...let's go http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif weeeee!"



[This message has been edited by VctoriasSecrt (edited May 05, 2001).]

what does it mean "didnt make line", ive heard that a lot but i havent figured out the meaning

You are sorely mistaken. We say these things because application to membership into a Sorority is a serious matter... You need to have done some things before you speak of one's circumstances. Because, you will never know until you walk a mile in my moccasins...

We greeks KNOW our membership intake processes, WELL. And we know the reasons one is rejected. And usually it is because of irrefutable circumstances, such as low GPA or under 12 units prior and during application submission...

Then there are SEVERAL "checks and balances" made between the local chapter and its National officers...

Moreover if you have ever in your life attended a Rush, that "in between time" and actual notification, believe me--it is being EXTENSIVELY used...

You need to perform a "SEARCH" on this board or any of the National Pan Hellenic Council affiliate's boards.

But I think you are interested in an National Pan Hellenic Conference Sorority, so you have to go to the college you wish to apply and look at their greek life board if the school has one.

Also, PenguinTrax http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif has set up an excellent "Rush" http://www.greekchat.com/forums/cgi-...000&LastLogin= board here in Greekchat. I highly recommend that you go there and you may find your answers to all the questions you seek...

i was not refuting your PROCESS...you cannot say that it is inappropriate for someone to act a certain way after being rejected...only that person knows how much they wanted it...and ONLY that person knows how much it hurt THEM...i have nothing against the process...i never even said she deserved a reason for being rejected...nor do i believe she does...i believe my exact words were...it is easy to say that from the other side...once you have already made it...those that have only been in for a while...in my experience SEEM to forget all the pains of getting there and are quick to tell someone else that is rejected to suck it up and press on...(i like that borrowed term ya'll use)...i'll be damned if after finding out my friend had been rejected that i tell her to suck it up and press on...i saw the pain in her face and it was real...maybe you misunderstood what i said...maybe you didn't and just extended your comment...who knows...but your process is your right...being hurt is a rejects right...

peace and blessings...



[This message has been edited by VctoriasSecrt (edited May 07, 2001).]

I bet if you got her a Kate Spade Sam bag (black) and some Bebe Sorority pants, she'd feel 100 times better! All the best!

Hi Coopchick and welcome to GreekChat http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
Thank you for contributing; we are always glad to have new members. I did want to mention, however, that your post came off as sounding a bit sarcastic. I am sure that you did not intend for it to sound this way and I am quite aware of how sentiments can become distorted on a post, but I just wanted to call it to your attention for future reference http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Have a great day!

[This message has been edited by KillarneyRose (edited May 29, 2001).]

We are selective Fraternities and Sororities. As such we choose who will join our membership. Some applicants are accepted, others are rejected. Those who are rejected may have an immense desire to become a member. However that will never supercede the qualifications for becoming a member in the NPHC organizations.

What ABSOLUTELY DO YOU KNOW ABOUT all of HBGLO's membership intake process' that would warrant one feeling unaccepted? Beware! Be leery with your statements here... There are National Officers from the NPHC and NPHC affiliates surveying this board... This is not even CLOSE to a JOKE!!!

Yes, being rejected hurts. Yes, our statements may seem hurtful to an outsider. But to put it bluntly, those rejects choose to feel hurt--and especially around US. They were rejected for a reason. Basically, they did not meet our criteria and we must reject them. SO WHAT? You think we should feel sorry for them? Okay. Yeah, I feel sorry for them. They are a sorry bunch of rejects!!!

Yes, I intend to be mean... But there are expectations, qualifications and standards which are crystal clear. But, I guess you want us to deal in mediocrity? Accept half assed people into our organizations? Okay. I get you. Everybody already can tell how YOU feel about the NPHC. How come it seems that you ONLY want to CRITICIZE the historically Black Greek Lettered Organizations?

I wonder? http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/confused.gif

Sure she can be hurt.. dropping out of school and not eating is throwing away her life. Of course, I can only guess how much it hurt, but if she is going to throw away her life because of this, she does need professional help... and no, thats not a bad thing, it's to help her get her life back in order.

I totally agree. I mean if you're in college your primary focus should be to obtain a degree all that other stuff can wait. Anyone with a 3.7 gpa who is willing to drop out of school simply because she did not get selected for membership into a sorority most definately has some issues!

I totally agree! Maybe this girl did not make line b/c they felt she was not ready emotionally for such a challenge. If she is willing to throw away her life because of this challenge, then how would she have been able to function had she made line? She needs to remember that she is in college to get an education--everything is secondary. She has some deeper issues within herself that she needs to resolve, and later after she examines why she feels/thinks this way she could try again (lots of people don't make it the first time!).

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"If there is no struggle, there is no progress"--Frederick Douglass

It's unfortunate. I agree with VS on this matter. It's easy to say when you have your LETTERS. I'm sure apart of her wanting to leave school is embarassment. Everyone knew she was going for membership, noe everyone knows she wasn't excepted. Some non-members might even know why, yet she doesn't.
I'm Old School. Graduated in '87. I seen this happen too many times. Yes it does effect everyone differently.
If possible tell her to email me.

That's why DISCRETION IS KEY!

This one Soror from a nearby chapter when I was in school was rejected 3 times before she was ACCEPTED...

Like AAliyah says, "dust (pick yourself up) yourself off and TRY AGAIN".