"These are the rules!" But you didn't understand....
 

In this thread we discuss rules that our parents had that we as children had to be obedient to. We didn't understand as children, but as adults we now understand.

My parents were strict on curfew. From as early as I could remember, up until high school, I had to be in the house (from playing outside) by 7pm, and in the bed by 8pm. When I turned 16, and I got my driver's license, I had a curfew of 10:30pm with a 30 minute grace period (I still don't understand the grace period point :p). The only exception was when I went to prom. I think if I had kids, especially in this day and age, I think I would be a nervous wreck. I think my rules would be more strict than theirs lol.

good topic...
 

A few I remember...

As a kid, you never interjected yourself into adult’s conversations unless you were asked into them.

If you had something and your sibling didn’t, you had to share…or get it taken from you.

No curfew, per se, ….. I could stay out till 4 a.m. on a Saturday night if I wanted, but I was getting up for church on Sunday morning; and there wasn’t going to be a discussion about it, either.

As a parent, I don’t have a lot of "rules." I just have to trust that the examples I've tried to show and discussions I’ve had with my kids will take hold. My eldest just finished her freshman year, living on campus. I was nervous, texted her 3x a day the first week+ of the semester, but I know what her mom and I put in her. She did fine (honor roll student, (3.8 gpa,) made lots of friends, active on campus) and is doing great.

I, on the other hand, had to learn to calm down. :o

When your time comes, you’ll be fine. :)

Pretty much food related (of course! Italians, you know):

You don't leave the dinner table without being granted permission to be excused.

You drink all your milk. (UGH)

You have to take three bites of something you don't like. Not an option to refuse.

The "Clean Plate Club" is a club you want to belong to - but there are no benefits. So I was never a member.

Weird, but I don't recall any other rules, other than food-centered ones. That's probably because I was a very picky eater and skinny beyond belief as a child. Sigh. Otherwise, I had a LOT of freedom.

Growing up in the deep South, my parents were very big on us saying "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir". Now that I'm a parent, I totally get it. It's a way of acknowledging that the adult they are talking to is not a peer, that they command a higher degree of respect than a fellow child would.

I don't enforce this with my own kids when they are addressing other adults because it tends to weird out the adults. We don't live in the South and, in general, younger adults didn't grow up with this norm. But I do make my kids say "yes, Mama" and "no, Mama" when they're talking to me, especially if they're sulky about a decision I have handed down. When I insist that they say that, they stop arguing abruptly. They don't know why, but I'm positive it's because they are unconsciously acknowledging my authority to make and enforce the rules… even if it's just about them picking up their dirty clothes from the floor of the bathroom.

I STILL don't understand curfew.

My classmates raised all kinds of hell, but they did it before 11 PM. How does that make it better? What's the difference? The question ought to be what you're doing and with whom, not what time it is.

I hated that I had to make my bed every morning. Now, older, I understand that putting my bed in order kind of starts the trend for the rest of my day.

I also hated having to do the dishes right after dinner, despite the fact that we've had a dishwasher my entire life. But, the same lesson has come into play. I just feel better when everything is back in order after I'm done using it and I feel truly relaxed when I get to relax.

My dad's biggest rule when I was high school was instituted after I took a bottle of Captain Morgan from his liquor cabinet. "I don't care if you drink, but if you can't afford it you don't steal it from me"

No curfew but I had to call if plans changed and check in and such.

Oh and to this day I'm not allowed to swear, damn and Jesus Christ are also serious no no's with my dad.

I don't think it's geared so much for high schoolers as it is trying to get them out of the way of an older crowd. I think most mature events, clubs and such generally run a lot later than most teens can handle anyway. The later it gets, the more nefarious the activity, for those so inclined. I think "curfew" right or wrong, tries to get teens out of that pathway.

There's a guy at my company who's probably about 30-35 years my senior, and he refers to me (and every other woman) as ma'am. It's weird. After moving to the south, I expected to hear it more, but I don't feel like it's necessary to use it every day with your co-workers. And I'd like to believe that at 30, I should still be considered a miss. :p

This. As a teenager, I never had a curfew. However, I was always home at a reasonable time, I didn't drink or do drugs, and I hung out with a good group of friends. My mom would say, "When everyone else goes home, you should too." And when I was in college and I'd come home for the summer, she "didn't care" where I was or who I was with, just as long as I sent her a text if I wasn't coming back until morning.

She told me a story about her one friend in high school with the strictest parents. This girl would leave the house, change her clothes once out of her parents' sight, hang out with guys when she said she was with her girl friends, get into all kinds of trouble, and still make it back home to be in bed by 10:30.

You should watch this commencement speech, if you haven't seen it already:

http://blogs.militarytimes.com/scoop...make-your-bed/

:)

Add me to the No Curfew Club. :)

I had very few rules growing up because I was a "good kid." I wasn't interested in partying and sneaking off with boys or other stereotypical teen activities. I loved going for walks and was annoyed at the "no walks after dark" rule. I was too boneheaded to understand what could happen to a kid out walking the streets by herself in the dark but am grateful for that rule now.

The biggest "aha" moment I've had as an adult is the rule that you speak to everyone when you come into a room. I thought it was totally stupid and unnecessary to have to greet and hug everyone individually. Once when I was 14, I ran into the house and bolted straight to the bathroom because I had to go so badly. I said hurried "Hi" to my dog (who was in my direct line of sight) but not to my dad who had been sitting in the corner. The second I came out of the bathroom, I was grounded. It seemed so harsh and unfair. But as an adult, I can only imagine how it felt to have your youngest child greet the dog and not you. My dad and I had a seriously strained relationship during my teens but, even with the things he'd done, he didn't deserve that. I now understand the common courtesy of acknowledging someone's presence because I now know how it feels to have someone say hello to a select few people and pass you like you're not even there.

In my household, the curfew isn't about what they're doing at that time of night, it is about the fact that I won't sleep soundly until I know they are home safe and sound. The kids' car isn't the most reliable, so there is a high risk of it breaking down, and there are more drunk drivers on the road during later hours so a part of me is worrying, even when I'm "asleep", whether they'll get home safely when they are out. Plus, if my phone is going to ring after I'm asleep for me to come and get them from somewhere, I want it to be at a reasonable hour.

I had a curfew. I also had a lot of food rules (also Italian). Instead of 3 bites though, I had to eat as many as I was old (in years). So when I was 8, I had to eat 8 peas. To this day, I don't understand that. My mom always said I'd grow to like those foods I hated, but I never did. It was torture trying to choke down lima beans and peas. Ick. I did not make that rule for my kids.

I only had to eat 1 bite of everything, but I had to do it without making a face. If I made a face, then that meant try again. My mother finally figured out it was a lost cause with beets and tomato aspic.

As for curfew, I really only had one if I was on a date; then it was 15 minutes after her parents said she had to be home.

I agree with AGDee...the curfew is more about the parents knowing that the kid is home safe at an hour that reasonably aligns with the parents' bedtime. I trust my kids, but I do worry about drunk drivers, etc.

The summer after my freshman year of college, my mother told me she was worried that I'd turned into "an all-night partier" -- her angst-ridden tone suggested that "all-night partier" ranked slightly below "ax murderer" on her scale of nefarious activities available to teens.

So, I made a conscious effort to be cool when my daughter came home last summer, and I told her that I'd appreciate her staying in touch if she was out later, so I'd know she was OK.

MC, what do you think your parents were worried about happening AFTER you dropped off your dates? I'm trying to figure out that logic...I'd be more more concerned about the date itself, not your speed of return afterward.

I didn't have too many "rules" - if my behavior was a problem my parents would correct it then and there. Sometimes it meant being grounded for stuff that I did that was a mistake of carelessness (like leaving a red lipstick in my pockets and running it through the wash, ruining all the clothes). But my brother broke most of the rules before I got a chance, anyway. They had the usual "don't drink and drive" and "tell us when you'll be home" type rules. They also made sure my first car was a manual transmission so none of my friends would want to borrow it.

What you describe is reasonable, but none of my friends' parents must have been using this logic, because the curfew got later as they got older, and I doubt their parents were going to bed later and later.

I think it's a case of "reasonable limits" that the older "kid" can live with, while the parent has reassurance that the the kid will be safely home at a reasonable hour.

Our family had a tragedy which influenced the family psyche regarding curfews, and led to several rules/family idioms. This happened a couple years before I was born, but it influenced my parents and some of the "rules" they shared. My aunt's first husband died in a motorcycle accident...he'd been working on refurbishing a wooden sailboat with his brother, and he wanted to try out his brother's new motocycle and drive it home for the night. They'd had a couple beers, and he wasn't an experienced motorcyclist. He went off the road and hit a tree. A passing motorist discovered him early the next morning and called police. My aunt had gone to bed, and his brother had assumed he'd gotten home safely. The police knocked on her door that morning to tell her the news.

The rules this led to were:

1. Always call to let my parents know when I'd arrived somewhere after a long trip, back to college, etc. They do this, too...they always call to tell me when they've arrived somewhere...I know the source of this, and it's understandable.
2. Don't ever rely on someone else to support you...get a good education, and don't ever give up your career.
3. Buy life insurance. My uncle was an orthopedic surgeon, and he'd bought a lot of life insurance to help out a buddy who was just starting his own insurance practice...he had mortgage insurance, college funds, everything. They had 4 young children; my parents stressed that at least she didn't have to worry about finances, on top of everything else.
4. While they never said, "don't ride motorcycles," no one in my family has since that day, and I took this as an uspoken rule.

That was always a rule in my house, too, and it's pretty much a rule in my own house now. My wife and I call or text each other as well when we've gotten somewhere.

I'm also Italian, and I was never brought up with those table rules. Actually, I've never heard of it before.

I was talking to my mom last night, and we were having a "remember when you were a kid" conversation. We laughed through most of it. It reminded me of this thread. She told me I was a such a good kid.

I think for me, the reason I turned out the way I did is because I had a healthy respect for my parents authority that was instilled in me at an early age, and I must admit, it kept me out of a lot of trouble. :p If I scraped up enough courage to ask why, I was simply told, "Because I said so." Of course that response would make me mad, but hey, what's a girl to do when she's a child? In hindsight, I came to see the wisdom of my parents instructions as I compared my life to the stories of those who had chosen to go their own way and revel in their rebellion against authority. At the time, I had no idea that my mom and dad actually knew what they were talking about. Because of the way they raised me, I can now see my life as good, and the good choices I've made. Thanks Mom, thanks Dad. :)

I was a "good kid" for three reasons:
1. Doing the "wrong thing" was more stressful than doing the "right thing". I like to have as much control of the outcome as possible and prefer things to be well worth the investment in time and effort.

2. I honestly saw myself as investing in my future freedom as an adult. Stay out of trouble so I can eventually have my own education, employment, money, and freedom. Then I can do whatever the hell I choose.

3. Love and respect for my parents. They were very strict. In high school, they gave us more freedom and there were a couple of times we tried to test that freedom. LOL. They made sure they reeled us in and put us in our teenager place. Other than those rare instances, I was very obedient. My parents aren't always right. But, listening to them as a child meant I can ignore much of their advice as an adult. :p

I know people who had strict parents like yours who really didn't turn out that well. I think sometimes when parents are too strict, it can cause kids to rebell. Sometimes that "fear" of the parents isn't a good thing. My parents were pretty laid back, and I turned out well. At least I think so.

I agree, Phrozen. This is about a combination of parenting and personality. There is something wrong if a child requires as much supervision at 17 as she/he required at 7.

My observation, from my own experiences growing up, and from raising three children (youngest is still in college) and observing countless friends with varying parenting styles is that individual personality plays a huge role. Not that parenting rules don't play a part, but... we all fall somewhere different on a spectrum of risk taking, envelope pushing, common sense, rule following, respect for authority, etc.

Out of three kids we had two who were, from the get-go, cautious and risk averse, and one (middle child) who "courted danger" at every turn. He needed more rules and structure than the other two combined.

The last 3 posters have essentially said the same thing. Parental "rules" flow from parental styles. You (as parent(s)) set the parameters/boundaries for behavior and most kids will operate within that construct or face corrective penalties.

It worked for me, and I use it with my girls. Of course, they have differing personalities I have to take into account but for the most part it works.

You and I may define "strict" differently. I didn't think my parents were strict at all, but they did have rules, and there were consequences if I didn't follow those rules. :)

I recall as a young woman in high school observing the behavior of peers as they made choices that cost them dearly. What separated me from them was simply (like you said) "fear". Fear of getting caught, and greater yet, fear of my parents. My parents, especially my mom, had an uncanny way of finding things out. It was even scarier when they would predict things, and they happened just as they said. After learning this lesson the hard way (on a few occasions :p), I decided it was best to comply with their rules and save myself the heartbreak of being found out. Or worse yet, of becoming the unwitting victim of the consequences they had forewarned would occur should I choose to go against their instruction. I just felt that if I didn't obey them, the only person I would be hurting was not only them, but me.

Plus, I don't know the people you know or their parents. :)