Should I drop my sorority?
 

I'm currently alumni status in my sorority as a junior. I joined freshman year during the spring. From the start the sorority seemed cliquey and I was uncomfortable because I didn't know a single girl upon joining. In addition I felt out of place because being ethnic I look much different than most of the girls. I always wanted to be in a sorority and this was definitely my top choice however it was just difficult trying to integrate myself into friend groups. I of course had a big assigned to me but I've come to realize we don't have much in common and therefore aren't really close. Come sophomore year relationships were still distant and I was only close with a couple girls if that. Unfortunately I was depressed at this time and I ended up having a public mental breakdown that winter. I never dissed the sorority during this but most of the girls still think I deliberately wanted to tarnish their image or that i was on drugs/crazy. I took a semester off and then went abroad. I'm back now and most of the girls are flat out ignoring me even though I spoke in front of them and declared I took time off as a medical leave. I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel so disconnected from campus with few friends to turn to. Should I try to stay in the sorority even though there are girls who clearly don't want anything to do with me?

I'm confused. Why are you going to chapter if you are an alum? Secondly, you've been out of school for a while and these people don't know you...and you're an alum. I'm not sure what you expect. I'm not trying to be harsh - I just don't understand. Alums are not normally included in chapter events except as advisers so it's odd that you expect to be.

To clarify, I'm alumni status because I took a semester off. It was due to a medical reason and now I am back on campus.

I'm confused as well.

If you have returned to your campus and your chapter, and your medical inactivity has ended, then are you on active status again? Are you paying dues?

Not paying dues. Currently in limbo, completely inactive.

If your medical inactivity has formally ended, I would check to see if you need to return to active status. That would involve paying dues. But, if your organization permits you to retain alumnae status even though you are currently re-enrolled on your campus, then why would you need to resign?

Membership is for a lifetime, and you'd be giving that up if you resign.

(alumna is female singular, alumnae is female plural).

True but there are girls who are blatantly ignoring me because of my medical condition and the fact that they think I tarnished their reputation. So that's why I'm conflicted.

Why would they think you tarnished their reputation?

No. You missed my point. You need to find out if you're an alumna or if you have to return to active status.

That's where you start. Then I think I'd follow Jen's advice.

As for the "tarnish the reputation" and "blatantly ignoring" business, I'm not going there. I learned a long time ago that you can't control what other people think, do, say, or feel.

I had a medical condition sophomore year that impaired my judgement and caused me to post questionable posts on Facebook. They thought I was on drugs and that I made the sorority look bad. I took a semester off and returned after studying abroad. I'm a junior now but still remain alumni status.

Emoore, if you are an alumna (the term is not "alumni"), then whether the chapter ignores you or embraces you is irrelevant. You no longer are eligible to participate in he collegiate chapter. You can, however, participate in the local alumnae (plural of "alumna") chapter if there is one. If you are an alumna, then you don't need to drop. You have, in effect, graduated to post-collegiate status.

If, during your time away, you had been notified to pay dues or take an action on your memebership and did nothing, your membership might have been terminated. It is important that you speak with the chapter advisor to confirm your status. Then it is possible to determine next steps.

How long were you away from school? If it was less than a year, which is the impression I'm getting, you may have automatically reverted back to active status.

You need to speak to you President, VP, or whoever can confirm, to know what your status is at this point. If you're still alum status, find out if you even have to do anything more. In my own sorority, if you've been gone more than a year you can keep alum status and no longer be part of the chapter even if your back on campus. I get the feeling that would be ideal for you.


Whether or not you should drop your sorority is complicated.

How many years do you have left in school?
Are you really over your medical (mental) condition?
Is there anyone at all in the chapter that you have a friendship with on any level?


To be blunt, I get the impression that you're still dealing with some mental health issues (extreme stress, depression, whatever it really is) and dropping your chapter could cause you to become even more isolated. But, staying could also cause you stress and become more isolated.


Do you have other activities, connections and friendships outside of the sorority? Do you have a peer support system of any kind? If not, I want to encourage you to get that in place ASAP. You'll probably need therapy too.


Now, your sisters that are shunning you. They're lame. They're also normal. The vast of the majority does not understand "mental breakdowns". The vast of the majority also interprets others behavior in relation only to their own feelings. They're not mental health experts so they're not going to understand that your breakdown was minimally about them and certainly wasn't a way for you to intentionally make them look bad. Please forgive them.

I echo what the other women have posted. You need to find out what your status is are you active and are expected to pay dues to that chapter or are you still on inactive status. If you were granted early alumnae status, then you really shouldn't have any expectation to participate or be apart of that collegiate chapter.

It sounds like that perhaps you'd be better off going to early alumnae status if your sorority allows you to do so. Again you'd need to check with the appropriate member of your sorority to determine if this is an option. If early alumnae status is available to you, then consider trying to get involved with an alumnae chapter if there is on near your campus.

It sounds like your situation is complicated with regard to your mental health issues. Above anything else you need to take care of yourself and get to a place of wellness. Unfortunately if you said or did something disparaging to your sorority and depending on the degree of how this took place, yes you may have alienated yourself even more from the collegiate chapter. With life comes experience, and I would guess that maybe your sorority sisters never encountered such a thing before, so I'm sure they may not understand what to do, or even how to act around you.

I wish you the best and hope you are able to get things clarified and make the best decision for your health and well-being.

As a standards adviser, I have noticed that members frequently do not understand leaves of absence, alumnae status or any other policy of their GLO. I will echo the other posters and recommend that you contact the appropriate officer or Chapter Adviser. I would be very surprised if you were granted alumna status for what you describe. If you find out that you are truly an alumna, it is a gift. You have no need to drop your membership. You can just walk away from those women who are being unsisterly and never interact again. No one is perfect. Not you. Not them.

Everyone is saying essentially the same thing here. It's just explained all sorts of ways. I hope you will follow our suggestions and advice.

Mental "conditions" are medical. The stigma needs to go away, but that is going to take decades.

WARNING: rant/ And as for the social media issue (Facebook postings you referred to, and I would not have put that out there myself, either on FB in the first place or here in response to anyone's question, but that's how I roll), well - it appears that this is a generation used to spewing everything all over the Internet, and photographing and documenting every sneeze. Somewhere along the line the concept of being human and forgiving one another has gone totally out the window, along with discretion as to what to share. Too much media pollution, not enough privacy and respect and tolerance for one another. /end of rant.

Taking care of yourself while finishing school is priority. A sorority piles on a bunch more stress with requirements and such, and there is the awkwardness of seeing people who make you uncomfortable. This ship may have sailed, and that's okay too, as long as you are taking care of yourself.

I really think that you need to use discretion in this situation. The internet is forever, and I'm not just talking about GC.

I echo everyone's suggestions to reach out to the chapter president to discuss your options. This also should give you a good idea about how accepting the chapter would be to have you back.

If you do decide to become involved again, there might be an opportunity to address your leave of absence by helping with PACE/chapter enrichment programming on mental illness and campus resources.

Gamma Phi specifies that certain chapter meetings be set aside for PACE (personal and chapter enrichment) programming. As an undergrad, we once had a guest speak from one of the on-campus mental health resource centers, and a sister helped introduced the event by discussing how helpful she had found the resources her freshman year when she was struggling to adjust to college life. I thought it was a wonderful way for her to help introduce the chapter to an issue that was meaningful to her.

The important part to remember, you are a member for life. After you graduate, all/much of the undergrad part is past history no matter how bad it was or the good, the bad, or the ugly!

But you are still a member of a Great Sorority no matter what!

Hold your head high and just go on with your life.

All the best!

In addition to talking to members of the Executive board of your chapter, you should read up on your organization's defined statuses. I guarantee you can find your chapter's and your Inter/National organization's bylaws and constitution online in five seconds.

Note that different orgs might use different names for the same things.
Some examples:

- active/collegiate/undergrad
- interim/inactive/hiatus
- "early alumna"/"5th year" - some NPCs do not have this status of any kind; you either stay or your go
- resigned/removed/revoked/terminated - no longer a member
- alumna/graduate

We aren't the people who can answer any of the questions as they pertain to your specific situation. If you don't feel comfortable talking to a collegiate member, talk to someone at HQ - they should at least be able to tell you your official status and which choices (if any) you have.

Of course, if you want to remain a member - which you don't seem sure about since you claim they are cliquey and you feel like you are an outsider - you should be able and willing to talk to chapter members. Otherwise, what is the point?

Not really true.

A member can terminate her membership voluntarily or be involuntarily expelled. If that happens, she would not have any of the privileges of alumna status.

True, but if she was granted inactive status, then she needs to talk to the Chapter Advisor. If her membership was suspended, she needs to talk to the CA.

Every. Greek. Organization. Is. Different.
The. NPC. Is. Different. From. Fraternities.
Every. NPC. Organization. Is. Different.
Every. Chapter. Within. A. Partucular. Organization. Is. Different.

What happens in YOUR chapter/org may differ from what will or does happen in the OP's chapter of initiation.

Get your status with your sorority sorted out first and then come back here. People will better be able to advise you if they are sure of your status.

My status is inactive like I said before.

You said you are an alum. Alum status and inactive status are two entirely different things. You obviously need clarity.

But what we're saying is that word means different things in every group. Did you read the responses in the thread?

Agreed you need to contact the president to determine your status. If you're an alumna, you are no longer a member of the chapter. If you were inactive while you were out for medical treatment and studying abroad, your time is probably up and you owe dues... which means you may have/could have already been terminated as a member.

But, regardless, move on and get better. I don't think the sorority is a good fit for you.

Picking nits, I know, but in some groups being an alumnus or alumna and a member of the chapter are not mutually exclusive. The distinction is between being an alumnus/a member of the chapter and an active or collegiate member of the chapter.

Which again just underscores why the answer should be gotten from the HQ of the sorority in question, not from people on the internet who don't know the specifics of the OP's status or the policies of the sorority in question.

Ironic.