My dilemma!!!
 

Okay ladies and gents, tell me what you think.........

I have a male friend, whom I've known for almost 8 years, who is interested in being "more than just friends" now. He has made his feelings for me known for the last year and I constantly try to discourage those feelings by letting him know that I'm not interested in having anything other than a platonic relationship with him. He always says that he understands, but every couple of months he'll start up with that same song and dance about how much "he loves me even though he knows that I don't love him". Like I said, we've been going around and around in this circle for the last year. He always talks about us getting married or whatever in a joking manner, so one day he asked me what kind of ring it would take for me to marry him? So, I jokingly said, "If it's not at least 2-carats don't even ask".

Well.....my b-day is next month, so last night as I was leaving his house, he pulls out a box and says "Well, I know you said it will take at least 2-carats for you to marry me, so I just went ahead and got you 3 to be my girl"! Then he hands me the box, which wasn't a ring, but was this bracelet instead
http://www.zales.com/Products/View_E...MailID=103474.

I almost choked on my tongue. I attempted to give it back, but he said for me to keep it and just think about it. So I left and went home. Once I got home, we talked on the phone and I explained to him why I didn't think that I should keep it, which was because I'm not interested in being "his girl". He told me that even though I don't want to be with him, he wants me to keep the bracelet, because it's a birthday gift that he intended for me to have. I
LOVE the bracelet and I would LOVE to keep it, but I'm not sure if I would be taking advantage of his feelings if I do. I don't want to use him, because 1)I don't use people, especially vulnerable ones and 2)he is an extremely good friend that I don't want to lose. So far, my mom says to give it back and one of my line sisters says to definitely keep it. What do ya'll think?:confused:

as long as you did not accept the gift under false pretenses, I say KEEP IT!!!!! He knows your feelings toward him, and everything was enumerated prior to you receiving the gift, so I don't see the problem.

I agree with Mom say give it back and tell him that it is just too expensive for you to keep. I know you love it but when you look at it you will think how nice it is. I think when he sees you in it he will think he is that much closer to making you his.

I'll just add an honest 2 cents in about this. Not sure if ya wanna hear it or not. No guy, especially one that cares about you as much as he seems to, will give you a gift like that and be cool with it if you keep it and AREN'T with him. I think you probably already know what the right thing is to do, but you're in a difficult situation either way. if you give it back, I'd doubt he'd be cool with it and still be as close as you are now, it would hurt him way too much. If you keep it, and tell him the same thing you've said to him all this time, he'll be crushed. Sorry sista, but you've sprinkled your magic dust all over this poor sap and he is essentially a ball of weak clay for you to toy with. Whether or not he gets messed up is now to you.

If it were me in his place, I'd want the braclet back. I would be hurt that it didn't do the trick but, i'd still care about you and RESPECT you for not taking advantage of me when it was eas y for you to.

A tough decision for sure, but I'm sure you'll do the right thing.
good luck.

I agree. He will respect you even more. You must have that WHIP APPEAL b/c he is obviously helpless to your WOMAN POWERS (lol) ... One day, maybe, if your feelings change, he will be there. He will be SO happy when that the real thing has come, that your feelings have changed, and that you two can share more than you ever have.
Think of it as ALL or NONE. You don't want what he is offering, so, you can't keep the bracelet. If you want to keep it, maybe you want to think about it. If you know you don't wanna think... then don't keep the incentive.

While you may not be in love with him, you probably love him a lot. You are his friend... Keep HIS best interest in mind/at heart, and you will do the right thing. ;)

I say keep it. As long as he knows, in no unclear terms, that you are not/will never be interested in him in that way and that accepting the bracelet does not bind you in any way to him in the future. If he understands and accepts that, and still wants you to have it, then keep it and wear the hell out of that fine piece of jewelry :D!

All I can say is be careful and keep emphazing to him that you guys are JUST FRIENDS and nothing else...Since he said the bracelet was a B-day present I would keep it.... :)

soror, i believe you should return the bracelet. continue to reiterate that you just want to be friends w/him and enjoy the friendship that the two of you share.

THAT IS A BAAAAAAAAD @$$ BRACELET
 

Soror Give it back. As others have said, keeping it will give him false hope that ONE DAY you will be his. You obviously value his friendship and if you want to preserve that friendship and be a WOMAN of GOOD REPUTE you will give it back to him.

**sitting @ my desk wishing I knew a man like him who would come off of 3 carat bracelet money** Ultimately, what you do to him, GOOD or BAD, will come back to you THREEFOLD with the right man attached.

Truthfully i don't know what I would do in this situation.
Spiritually I would pray and seek God ~ persistance does pay off in the long run. Because you two have been friends for almost 8 years and he keeps coming back to you, obviously he sees something in you that you dont see in him. This maybe the person that God has put in your life to marry. He may be your husband although you haven't and don't want to cross those boundaries.

He seems like a good man and taking advantage of him is definitely not the right thing to do. Though you love the bracelet, your respect for him is even greater. In this case, I would tell you to give the bracelet back.

I'm sure he will be hurt but eventually he will get over it, and keep on being persistant in trying to be with you or he will move on and be a sweet, loving gentleman to someone else and treat her with beautiful gifts.

You have to ask yourself what do you have to lose and gain by dating him? Picture yourself with him. Give in to his persistance to give it a try. If it doesn't work out, because you were friends for so long prior to being with him, your more than likely to come out as friends in the end.

Good luck.

I say give it back....it's causing me to stress and I'm not even in this situation! :eek:

Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

Well, Sisterfriend, this is a confusing and difficult situation to be in. HOWEVER... if he INSISTS that you keep it, then keep it. BUT... GET IT IN WRITING, GIRL!!! I've watched too much of Judge Judy Judge and Judge Mathis. :D :D That way, if he gets technical about it and HAPPENS to take you to court or something about that bracelet (which is a very FIIIINNEE piece of equipment, if I must say so myself), then you'll have all of your ducks in a row. Make sure that you reiterate to him that you would ONLY keep the bracelet if something can be written and if he clearly understands (and state this in the document) that you have absolutely NO romantic feelings for him in any way, shape, or form and that you are taking the bracelet as a PLATONIC GIFT from a FRIEND for your birthday and that you BOTH understand that to be the case. I think that should do it and perhaps you won't feel guilty about it. Plus he wouldn't be able to say that he didn't know how you felt.

Frankly, I don't know what I would do either. Taking an expensive gift from a guy who has feelings for you (and you don't feel the same) could play out in many ways. Just make sure that this dude is not some psycho or stalker or something. I'll just leave you with this... do what your HEART is telling you to do (that's usually how God speaks to us). Only you and God know if you really are taking advantage of this dude. Personally, I don't see it as such, but YOU make the decision.

Good Luck and I know that whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.

Oh yeah, Imperial11, I forgot to add, make sure that if he's insisting that you keep it (even though he KNOWS how you feel) that dude has not left a bill at the store. :D :D :D I mean homeboy COULD HAVE BEEN smart enough to get you that bracelet on a payment plan (if you know what I mean). If so, then keeping the bracelet means that you keep the payments, get what I'm saying.

PEACE

LMAO!!! :p

Re: My dilemma!!!
 

As BEAUTIFUL as that bracelet is, I would say to RETURN it. Simply because, you two don't have the same understanding as to the MEANING AND PURPOSE of the gift. In his mind, it is to show you how much he wants you to be his "girl" and it is a pre-cursor to marriage. As far as I can tell from your post, it is a token of your friendship, but you don't want anything else.

I think that if you give it back, he will understand that you mean what you say, that you only want to be platonic friends. If you keep it, you have automatically blurred the line between friendship and something more serious. And a gift like that is way too expensive to have a misunderstanding over down the road, especially between friends.

My Vote...
 

Give the bracelet back!!! (Even though it's perty :D), you don't want to feel like you "owe" him anything, if you know what I mean. ;)

Imperial 11, since you're asking for feedback, it sounds like you've already made the decision to give it back!!!!!!!!!!!! and you want to know if you're crazy for returning a piece of jewelry because the person who gave it to you wants something way more than you're willing to give him.

Be strong young one, and follow your mama's advice! Give it back so you can sleep soundly at night. Like one of the posters said, you may receive something 10 fold, maybe not money or presents but what YOU have been searching for in a mate.

So, Imperial11 what happened? Did you return the bracelet??

I still have it in my possession. I spoke with the guy again a few days later and told him that I thought that this bracelet was too expensive for him to be giving to me. He admitted that he hoped it would make me look at him in a different light, but he can clearly see that that didn't happen. I pointed out that his wishful thinking was even more of a reason why I couldn't keep it, but he insists that he would like for me to keep it because he meant for me to have it regardless of whether or not I decided to be with him. He says that if I like it, I should keep it and not worry about the cost because he has $$$$$ and it's no big deal.

So, I have decided to hold on to it for him. If at any time I feel as though he is "holding it over my head", he'll get it back. Also, if he ever asks for it back, I'll give it to him. I figure that by saying that I'll "just hold on to it for him" I am promising myself that I will not get attatched to it. I'm just going to look at it as though I'm keeping it safe for a friend. I'm not going to keep trying to throw it back at him, though. Why let perfectly good diamonds go to waste? I know that he won't take it back and get a refund anyway.

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. ;)

My newest dilemma!!
 

Okay, here goes!!!!

I have been dating a guy (not the one who gave me the bracelet back in '02) for about 7 months now and I need advice. He is a really sweet, compassionate, and "family oriented" man. Anywho, we've had many discussions about our futures as far as possible marriage and children together are concerned. My problem with him so far is that he feels that a husband and wife should split all expenses (household bills and entertainment) 50/50. His arguement is that a marriage is a partnership. I agree with the "partnership" thing but feel that splitting bills in half equals "roomates", not husband and wife. When my parents were together, my father paid all of the household bills and my mother made sure the house was stocked with detergent, toothpaste, food, etc. She also bought clothes for me and my brother. Since this is what I saw growing up, I'm programmed to believe that this is what a man does. He's a provider for his family. He says I'm selfish because my motto is, "I'm either going to pay all of the bills or very few of them and if I'm paying them all, you ain't gonna be here".

Like I said before, I really care about him and could see us being together long term, but money is a very important issue for me and we are already bumping heads about it. I just don't see how a marriage could work if a couple is already bickering about who pays for what during the dating period. So my questions are:

1) Am I being unrealistic?
2) Am I being selfish?
3) Is it too early to even be thinking about this type stuff?
4) How likely is it that his perspective will change?

BTW, here are a few facts about us just in case it makes a difference to anyone:

He's 29 & I'm 23
He already has a child
It's highly likely that I'll always make more money than him

I always wondered how married people paid bills. Clearly my people aren't together. I am very interested in hearing what others have to say. I have never been exposed to married life, outside of television, and I wonder how it is really done.

Re: My newest dilemma!!
 

To answer your question about are you being unrealistic, my answer to you would be no. If you are splitting the bills 50/50 that is your roommate, not your husband. I am not married, but I do know married couples that the husband provides for the wife. However, the wife works outside the home and manages the money within the household. So, its realistic...some may think its old fashion, but its doable.

Are you being selfish? I don't think that you are.

How likely is it that his perspective will change??
For the most part, however he is, that is how he is. You cannot change him.

To gain some clarity, my advice would be to pray about it. God will answer your prayers. However, you should be open to the answer, even if it is not what you want to hear.

Peace. One. Continued blessings.

Imperial,

Have you ever seen The Joy Luck Club? If not, watch it. One of the daughters is in a marriage where they split EVERYTHING down the middle. Y'all should watch that and then discuss that scene.

What do I think? I agree with you, mostly. I do think that everything should be 50-50, but not all like that. For example, we each put a certain percentage of our checks into a joint account each pay period (say, 50%). If he makes more money than I do, he ends up putting in more money, but proportionately, it's the same. Then the bills and household stuff come out of that joint account; whoever is more financially savvy handles that account. Then again, I don't have a man, lol, so perhaps he wouldn't go for this, either.

Re: Re: My newest dilemma!!
 

Ditto. I realized after I posted that I didn't even answer the questions. :o

Re: Re: Re: My newest dilemma!!
 

LOL!!!

You answered the main question. So its all good.:D

Re: My newest dilemma!!
 

Here are my answers:

1) No.
2) No.
3) No.
4) Not likely.

My husband makes more than I do, so from his check we take care of the majority of the bills. I take care of the other things (food, my cell, clothes, etc.), but we don't, nor have we ever, done a 50/50 split. Your friend is right when he says that marriage is a partnership, but believe me, marriage is never 50/50 (now, this is just my humble opinion). There are gonna be times when you give more, and there will be times when he gives more (in the relationship). Anyway, somebody's gonna get tired real quickly of trying to remember who took out the garbage last and who washed dishes last, so now "it's your turn!". That mess gets old real quick. And you say he has a child. What happens if the child needs something (besides child support) and he needs to come up with funds? What happens with his "half" if for some reason he doesn't have it? Will he have to eat humble pie and tell you that he can't pay his "half" this month?

NuQueen, I've grown up much like what you've seen. My grandparents both worked outside the home, but my granddad would come home, plop the money on the table, and the rest was left up to my grandma! She'd take care of the bills, food, etc. and give him spending money. Guess it worked for them - they were married nearly 62 years.

I don't think it's necessarily too early to start thinking on these things if it seems like you're turning toward marriage. At least now you know how he thinks. And if this is gonna be an insurmountable obstacle for you, then you might wanna pull out your old bracelet! ;)

LOL@ "give it back". Y'all are tripping! KEEP IT! Mean are so cheap these days, if it were me I would not have even offered to give it back. He would've gotten a hearty "thanks" and a "see you later".

Ha Ha!! That was a little while ago, but I do still have it. He and I are still the best of friends though.

Oh and thanks to everyone for all of the input so far :)

Re: My newest dilemma!!
 

1) NO. A marriage is a collaborative effort built upon a spirit of cooperation. The times that you live in call for each person in the union to step up to whatever role is needed in the household. I will say this the only way you can compare this relationship to your parents is if this man is just like your daddy and if you are just like your momma and I'm sure even they had a bump in the road and had to learn how to compromise.

2) Yes and No. I'd suggest counseling with someone live in person. Don't rule it out because you are getting free internet counseling from us by posing your dilemma here. So you believe in counseling. You just need to change up the arena and include your man in it. You both have money issues. You need to understand his and he needs to understand yours.

3) I dunno. How long y'all been datin?

4) Not very