still single....
 

To all those singles out there, how do you "deal" with what seems like all your friends and family getting married or having babies?

I ask because for me it's been really tough. Most of my friends are now married. Some have kids, some don't. My younger brother just celebrated 6 years of marriage and has a 1 year old son.

I hide my jealously really, really, really well but on the inside it is eating me apart.

I'm jealous of my friends and family members but anyone else who is younger than me and engaged or married or has a family while I don't have any of those.

When I was 28 I told myself "if I become 34-35 and I'm still not married I'll have a kid on my own because I want to be a mother and I shouldn't put that dream on hold". Yet, I'll be 35 in March and I won't be becoming a mother right now. Not that I don't want to, I just am not "settled" enough in life right now to bring a child into it.

I'm truly scared that I will never find "mr. right", never get married and never have children.

Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal?

I have a friend who is a relationship counselor/coach. She's in Newport Beach but works over the phone as well. She's expensive in a way only Californians would think normal, but she's very good. If you want information, PM me.

Hugs and positive energy to you. If those things are what you want** then I hope you attain them. If you feel as though you need to seek inner happiness before seeking happiness through a life partner or a child then I recommend talking to someone about your feelings. I hope you do not feel lonely or ashamed.

:) And please remember you DO have a family. You said so yourself. Having your own life partner and/or child will be an addition to your already existent family (including your friends and sorority sisters) who love you very much. :) Please remember this to buffer some of your anxiety, jealousy, and loneliness.

** It probably goes without saying these are things that you want rather than things that you believe are expected of you. Neither marriage nor children are requirements. They also aren't promises for a happy and fulfilled life.

I just wanted to highlight this. Getting married is societally expected of women…not so much of men. Marriage can lead to more misery than you can imagine. If you don't meet the "man of your dreams", work on making yourself happy. Do the things in life that you've always wanted to do. Honestly, when you get married, there are so many things that you have to give up, compromise or change for that other person that now is the time to really splurge and do everything that you possibly want to do before you might be saddled with children. Even if and when you get married, only you can truly make yourself happy. That other person will inevitably let you down even in the most wonderful of relationships. Enjoy your life. If someone comes along that can make it better…grab on to him and don't let go, but please don't marry just for the sake of being married. I fear you'd regret it. My $0.02 after 11 years of marriage and many sacrifices.

Thank you, AOII Angel. I don't want to take attention from the original purpose of this thread but the sadness in ASUADPi's post makes me feel this needs to be said a trillion times. This is also the foundation for my response to the article Munchkin03 posted in the D&R Random thread. We need to know what makes us happy, know what we want and why we want it. Try to stay away from "everyone else is doing it" and "I'm a certain age" types of justifications. I'm not saying ASUADPi is only going with the flow but I feel like such sadness is often a result of a combination of personal goals and aspirations and social pressures to subscribe to the life script.

I agree. There are lots of people, men and women, in this position who feel the same way. This also happens to people with the child issue. There is a great life to be had as a single or a married person with or without children. Those things, inherently don't make you happy. They can add or detract from your life. The secret of life is making yourself happy first.

I feel like any time I spend a lot of time with married friends (which isn't that often, because our lifestyles are so different now), I see the downsides of married life, and even a bit of jealousy on their parts that I am single and free. So, I recommend doing something awesome that married people/parents can't do, like a last-minute trip overseas or eating nachos in bed and then farting for half an hour, then go hang out with your married friends and talk about it, and watch how jealous they get.

Also, I've not read this book, but I heard it reviewed on a podcast and it's very intriguing:

http://www.amazon.com/Going-Solo-Ext.../dp/0143122770

I am sure this kind of thing has gotten worse w Facebook et al. All i can say is it's not always what it seems. One of my sisters was in town this weekend and is in the middle of a nasty divorce. If that isn't bad enough, she said that in 15 years of marriage she was never happy. NEVER. That just stunned me. All I can say is don't be jealous because you never know what the other person's life is like.

Yep and people tend to be challenged and asked to explain why they opt out of the life script. Instead, people need to think seriously and critically about why they opt in. There are people who marry and/or have children only to find marriage and/or children aren't for them. They are absolutely miserable. Marriage is more reversible than children.

We aren't trying to talk people out of marriage and/or children. We just want people to see beyond the rose colored glasses and promises of instant and eternal happiness. Thank God for the spouses and parents who are honest about how their lives are nothing like they had dreamed.

A dear friend of mine was in a very similar situation as you about a decade ago. She met a man who she believed to be the one and was married about a year later. Married life for her has gone from disappointment that began two days after her wedding to anger to misery to where she just says she feels dead inside. They had a child within a year of being married, and she has said to me several times that were it not for the child she would have divorced him a long time ago. He's not a bad man; he's not abusive nor does he have a drinking or drug problem. If anything, I'd diagnose him as being pathologically self-centered. So, my vibrant, interesting, funny friend has become someone who thinks she just has to endure life. She is jealous of every single friend she has, and even told me one time that she was jealous of a friend who was getting a divorce.

I tell you her story because I agree with what everyone else has said. Enjoy your life now with what you have. It is hard being the only single one. I got married later also, and I remember being so jealous I couldn't see straight when younger people were getting married and having babies. There are worse things than being single, trust me.

DubaiSis, DrPhil, AOII Angel, DeltaBetaBaby, 33girl and amIblue?, thank you for your comments. Thank you for the support.

DrPhil, thank you for your words. You are very, very right. I was seeing a therapist but when I received my last paycheck from DOD, I also lost my insurance. I just got a job in December. I just can't afford to see her anymore, as much as I would LOVE to! I am on an antidepressant though. It does help.

I am doing what I want to do. I'm going back to school to complete my prerequisite courses to get into nursing school. My family has been super supportive of this goal.

I guess another part of me, when it comes to having a child on my own, is that (kind of embarrassing to admit this online but here goes....) I'm still a virgin. I can't say I want to end up in the Guinness Book of World Records for the "first virgin birth".

No, I'm not waiting for marriage, I grew up in the era of AIDS and mass teen pregnancy and STD's thrown in your face. I am just not one of those people who can have sex on the first date. Plus, I really don't want to get a disease of some kind. With all that being said, I'd really like to have sex before I decide to have myself impregnated.

I guess my fear is that the older I get the harder it will get for me to get pregnant and have kids and even find someone. Yes, I don't need a man to make my dreams come true, but I'm a total romantic at heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Have you talked to her about your situation since you got a new job? Many mental health professionals see patients on a sliding scale if they don't have insurance. Often, it's worth it to them to not have to deal with the third-party, and/or they take on a few lower-paying patients for charitable (or whatever you want to call it) reasons. When I went back to school (i.e. stopped working full-time), my therapist and I worked something out where I pay a fraction of what she'd normally charge.

ASUADPi, thank you for your honesty. If you feel that you know what you want out of life, I just recommend you maintain someone to speak with and you keep checking with yourself every so often to ensure you know what YOU (only you) want and are patient. Today the pastor said something that is a general life lesson regardless of the faith base: we need to work toward what we want to attain and we also need to be patient and stand still when appropriate.

You will accomplish your personal goals and personal happiness. After you are firm in yourself you can consider whether you want to have a child and how to go about it in a manner you consider realistic and non-shaming. I also recommend weighing pros and cons for all of this to make sure you believe the benefit is worth the costs/investment.

Thanks for this thread, good luck to you, and as Public Enemy said "don't believe the hype". :)

Jen, hugs and positive energy to you, as well.

Never having children and/or never getting married doesn't mean you will be old and lonely. The average person in a retirement facility or who dies home alone has children. I strongly recommend not having children based on a promise for what may happen 18+ years down the road. That probability is as low and unfair as forcing a child to be her parent's bestfriend because the parent is friendless and lonely. Children don't sign contracts and promises. While legal spouses technically sign contracts, that doesn't mean the union will last through your elderly years.

Don't worry about being the oldest virgin in the world. I practice in the women's health field so I see women on a fairly reasonable basis that have never had sex. It happens, and your story is not that different than mine regarding reasons for not having sex until later in life. You've made responsible, healthy decisions for you. Sometimes it's hard to stop trying to judge your own life and decisions based on societal standards. Since you are a romantic, I hope the right man for you does come along, but that may be at a time and place that you don't expect and in a package you aren't prepared for. Realizing that the person you meet may be divorced, widowed, older or much younger than you, may be something you have to come to terms with. Be open to new experiences. You never know where you may meet new people who may introduce you to other new people. But whatever you do, don't believe the romance novels.

Absolutely! If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me who would care for me when I got old because I don't want kids, I'd be a very rich woman. I hope that's not why people have kids. It doesn't work out for a lot of people.

Oh yes people have children for that reason and other selfish reasons. No wonder many children can't wait to get out of their parents' houses. :p When people ask me who will care for me when I'm unable to care for myself, I tell them "the same person or facility that will take care of you". :) Except my retirement and "elderly vacation" will be luxurious because I planned it as such. I don't need kids for that.

What a terrible thing to say! People are amazingly rude sometimes. My mother always told me to NEVER ask a couple about having kids. You don't know their story. They might be desperate and crying every night over not being pregnant. This was something I could never get my husband to stop asking. One couple who I adore was a particular target of his and I was all but certain they DID want kids. But what are they supposed to say?

I do worry about being old and alone, but I guess I'm confident that it will resolve itself. Since I do intend to remarry some day, hopefully husband #2 will have (adult) children who can provide the grand kids I'd like to have, even though I never wanted kids. Otherwise there are other alternatives. I still picture myself being a house mother in my old age.

ASUADPi, is adoption an option for you? I know not everyone is in love with the idea. Your statement about wanting a child and worrying about age made me think about other means to having a child, with or without a partner.

Personally, I think it is rather admirable that you have waited this long. To me it was either you abstain till you marry or have sex early on and sleep with everyone with little to no care. It was hard to find a path in between, so to hear that someone else didn't necessarily care to wait till marriage but didn't jump at any random person is really rather nice.

I grew up wanting to marry and have children. My friends, both my older and younger brothers, as well as my two younger sisters got married first. 2 of them divorced and remarried, and by the time I got married I had 11 nieces and nephews. I watched my younger friends get married. I had several failed relationships and a couple of failed engagements. I still wanted to be married and to be a mother, and not because it was expected, but sometimes that does add to the pressure simply because people don't know what to do with single women over college age, and you just don't seem to "fit" anywhere.

The best thing that ever happened to me was visiting a church with a singles group (that was NOT filled with people sizing each other up as potential mates,) and signing up to go on a retreat two weeks later. That's where I met two women that completely changed my life. They were also single, also in their late twenties and we hit it off. We moved in together and enjoyed a few years of being single together into our thirties, which brought a whole new perspective and confidence that I never would have experienced otherwise. We all still dated and looked for our Mr. Right, but we enjoyed life as single women who could be honest about our struggles while rejoicing in the freedom that we had. We built traditions that we still celebrate even though we're not all single anymore. Now two of us are married (one at 30, myself at 34,) one just had a baby and I'm getting ready to have mine. There are things that I miss about being single, although I love being married. I am so thankful for this time because if nothing else it reminds me of the support that we were for each other and how we continue to support each other and make time for each other.
I still spent a lot of time with my married friends and family, but really the only way that I was able to not only cope but thrive was through sharing that season with these women. We didn't ignore our desire to marry, and we definitely made an effort to get out and meet people, but we encouraged each other to meet other goals, improve ourselves and just enjoy life. We took a lot of girls' weekends out of town too, which definitely made the married friends jealous more than once.
You'll still be jealous sometimes, you'll still be sad, you'll still want these things, but having a few people along with you for this season definitely makes it not just livable but one of the most treasured times in your life.

This!

Funny.. a lot of times, I find Facebook as the best place to be.

In my opinion, people rush things. They live their lives based on where other people are, or what other people think. They give themselves a schedule. Deadlines. They make decisions that will make other people happy. People should stop focusing on what others do, say, and think. They should, instead, focus on what makes them happy. They should tell anyone who questions them to F*** off. Seriously. Live your own life.

And you're still young enough where a husband and kids aren't out of the question. My cousin's wife just had a child at 38. And quite frankly, nowadays, you don't need a husband to have kids. I've had friends who have worked around that "obstacle" and are perfectly happy raising a child on their own. They still date, and they look for Mr. Right while raising their child.

Everyone takes a different path, and that's OK. Just find a way to be happy. That should be priority #1.

YUP.

Word. I am (usually) happy with being single. Sure, I have my moments but I love the fact that my time is just my own at a time when it needs to be--goodness knows I don't think I could maintain a relationship with my school commitment. I know it can be done but I can't imagine me and my crazy life making that work. I am married to this doctorate, if you will. Additionally, my social circle includes a good percentage of unmarried and childless women who are in their 20s and 30s. Now, I also have a good percentage of friends who are in LTRs or married with children--but I don't see them much anymore. Rather than wishing I had their lifestyle, I sort of wish more of them were single or without children because, when I want to spontaneously go out, I am limited in who can come with me. :p

If anything, I am jealous of those friends who are just more "settled." I am MUCH more jealous of my little cousin's six-figure salary her guy or her baby. I feel jealous of those who have salaries, are homeowners, and are not living on a "student budget." I miss being able to order whatever at a restaurant without freaking over the price and saying "my boss" instead of "my practicum supervisor" or "the lady I babysit for." I know this is not a life that's conducive to having a marriage or child (at least not where I want to be when I start down that path) so it's not quite on the radar. I'm not self-conscious about not having the marriage and family, it's the fact that I'm not in a situation where I really could even if I wanted.

Message!!!!!!

Most women, in particular, are taught since childhood to aspire toward marriage and children. Most child stories geared toward girls are romance novels. There are still college students who believe they are getting their Mrs. Degree. From college to any other life accomplishment, women tend to be told "uh...congrats...you've gotten that fluff stuff out of the way...now is time to focus on the real definition of womanhood...a REAL accomplishment...marriage and children."

Tell people to fuck off and mind their business. Don't live a certain life to appease other people. If you waste your life on other people, YOU will be miserable and in need of rescue but the people who you were trying to impress will most likely be nowhere to be found.

Oh yes. I've been badgered my whole life about having kids because "You'd make such pretty kids" and "You'd be such a good mother". No, thanks, I've known since the age of about 10 that it wasn't in my cards. I've heard every breeder bingo you can possibly imagine and then some. Recently I remarried at age 50 to a man who already has two adult children.. and I was asked if we were going to have one of our own!! I'm not sure how this would even be possible since I have one egg left and it's petrified.

I totally agree. Life scripts be damned, you have to live your life for you and what makes you happy, rather than impose timelines and deadlines on yourself. Obviously, if you want children, there is only a certain amount of time unless you're open to adopting, but otherwise, try not to stress too much about what is and isn't going on. I've been single, sometimes for years at a time, but there was always another guy coming along, and I didn't particularly need a man to be happy because I had other things to keep me occupied (friends, grad school, jobs, hobbies, etc.)

One thing about adopting: I've seen several girls on adoption sites for whom a single mother is sought. I'm assuming that they were abused by men and their workers feel they'll best heal with a mom only.

That's interesting, carnation. I wonder how successful that is seeing as though most (not all) heterosexual single mothers ideally want a significant other. Having children takes a great deal from the parents and it would be horrible to have a child who can't function if the mother had a life partner. That's an even greater cost to the parent than the average child. I would encourage a single woman to think whether she wants her dating life and future determined by a child (more than it is typically determined).

I read this article yesterday, and reading this thread reminded me of it. I hope this provides you with some comfort and maybe even hope?

http://nyti.ms/1lCXdVt

Some places are simply easier to be single. Living in manhattan was easy as a singleton. Most of my girlifriends were (and still are) single and it's easy to get dates (relationships are another story). My hometown is hell to be living in as a single person.

I

You also never know when it's going to happen. My brother was married twice and is second marriage pretty much ended because of the stress of infertility issues and having two adoptions fall through. Third marriage though- he became a dad for the first time at age 48 and the second time at age 50. He didn't think that was ever going to happen for him. You never know what life will bring you.

I should add- I did the marriage and kids thing and ended up divorced after 7 years, 6 of which were really bad. So I've been a single mom for 13 years and am facing an empty nest in September. I get upset about it sometimes, but most of the time I focus on everything I'll now be able to do that has been on hold for 20 years and get excited about it. I have to fight the "I'm going to be all alone" thoughts and focus on the "Wow, I can do so much because I'm on my own!" thoughts. It's easier sometimes than others.

I'm at a point where it's frustrating for me. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. Others may differ, but for me, it's not about wanting to meet a man to marry because all of my friends are doing it or because everybody around me is doing it, it's because I don't want to spend the rest of my life without a companion I can call my own.

I'm not buying the fact that I have to stop believing what I read. I believe what I know based on my own observations. It is by far much more difficult outside of college and in this day and age to meet and get involved romantically with a nice man. There are more trifling men out there today (based on my experience) than there are good ones. Most men are dogs, cheats and liars.

I feel the original poster's pain. It's really frustrating. But I would rather be single than in a miserable marriage lol. But there are some people who do not like to be by themselves. I'm one of those people. It should not be this hard to meet nice, single men.

The classic movie "He's Just Not That Into You" has some things touched upon in this thread. It is on E! right now.

:) If you believe that....

I think it's more accurate to say "most people are full of shit until given a reason not to be." It may be the case that you find your Knight in Shining Armor, an assumed exception to your "men are dogs" rule, but if you knew how he treated the woman(en) before you, you may be apprehensive and skeptical. Even the nicest and most loving man in the world can be annoying, dishonest, and hurtful depending on the circumstances (even if it seems justified). That's about humans being human and not exclusive to men.

Someone asked me about adoption- I would love to adopt. There are so many children that need good homes. But I would like to have my own child. I want to experience pregnancy and childbirth and everything that comes with it (as weird as that sounds).

Thank you for all the kind words and support.

I had a long post typed up and my cat walked across the keyboard and deleted it :/

Bottom line, everyone has already given you great advice and encouragement. I just wanted to send you some sisterly support too!

Like!

I never wanted anything as much as being a wife and mother (okay, and the writer of the Great American Novel). Nothing. I married a man who told me that he wanted the same thing for me, and it was a complete and utter disaster.

Four years after the ink was dry on the divorce papers, I met Mr. Right. I didn't think so at the time, and it took five years for us to realize that we were better together than alone - but it took us another ten years to actually marry. We both had at least one parent who needed us, and the long distance thing was horrible. When my mother died, I knew that it was a matter of time before I moved (still don't love Chicago, but that's another story).

My advice: life doesn't always happen the way we want it. Both of us wanted a child of our own, but we're now not even in the position to adopt. I'm unemployed, we're feeling the financial pinch, but guess what? We both feel that getting married was the best move we ever made. It didn't make sense, we didn't meet the ideals that we had for a mate, but it works.

Where did I look for a mate? I went to churches, especially the older singles groups or divorce groups. No, you haven't divorced, but you'll learn a lot about life after thirty & forty. Maybe you're meant to be a stepmother - NOT the Disney kind, but a real, loving stepmother. I attended conventions and clubs in things that interested me - and I met my DH at a soccer convention. I let everyone I knew that I was open to be introduced to single guys.

And if you're sincerely interested in sports, I could probably introduce you to a few of DH's single friends. They're good, solid men who are responsible, have good standards, and are employed. No, they're not millionaires, but if you're interested, let me know. Maybe you, polarpi, & I can get together.... ;)

We'll be praying for you!

TRUTH. I used to think that being an only child sucked the worst because you were the only one to take care of your parents...those with siblings had help sharing the burden. I've realized that's not always true and a lot of times (and I don't mean by geographical or $ necessity) one person ends up doing everything anyway. Same with having kids to take care of you.

ASUADPi, don't take this the wrong way but if you feel like the virginity issue is hanging you up/holding you back, you might want to see about a sex surrogate. Sex and love don't always equate and it might be healthy to separate the two.

OK, I'll be the one to ask. Is a sex surrogate some kind of "professional" or is it just some random guy?

No, I mean a professional. The only reason I say this is fear of either having a perfect relationship with a man and then sleeping w him and it sucks, or the opposite - having sex so good it clouds your brain to things you should be clear headed about. My point is that sex is often messy and ridiculous. If you romanticize it too much it can lead to heartache.

Like I said, that's only if she feels virginity is a hurdle that's holding her back. If it's not and you own it, then it's not a big deal.

It's a professional. They work with a client and a therapist to make it happen for the client.

I think there was a movie about this recently with Helen Hunt.

lol true to that. Nobody is perfect, but I'm talking about men who are honest, mean well, and who don't cheat or never have cheated. Today, there are more liars, cheats, and dogs out there than there are men who are not that way.