advice for an oos at an SEC school
 

Hi all! I've been reading through the threads and it's been quite an eye opener.

I was not in a sorority so I really have no advice to give my d, though h was in a fraternity. She is contemplating Auburn, has been accepted, deposited, toured and it is a top choice.

She has thought she might want to be in a sorority but really doesn't know much beyond movies, to her sororities are like the beginning of Legally Blonde. However, she has a boyfriend and other people in her life who are making her think sororities are just sleazy, drunk girls or the place where the mean girls find their new homes in college.

My advice to her since you are recruited before you even start college is to just go and see what you think. She and I don't know anything about anything about this southern SEC sorority life. I couldn't begin to tell you which are which as we are from the mid-atlantic and this stuff just doesn't exist here. She won't know a soul, and I think having a group of women to bond with right away could really make a great transition into college life.

However, I just made a quick spreadsheet of all the sororities and have started asking our friends and relatives if they were in sororities. All of them who were would instantly say they'd love to write her a rec. None of my sisters were in one and my husbands two sisters were in sororities that aren't at that school. I have 6 so far and I just started looking last week. Now how hard some of them will be to find I have no idea. Does it matter who the rec is from? Will they look into who wrote the rec - meaning how successful they are as adults or involved in their alumnae chapter?

I have no idea how you know if someone even is a good candidate. She has a 3.8 gpa, captain of her sailing team, leadership positions in her key club and fbla. She's traveled quite a bit with charity organizations. Of course all moms think their girls are beautiful and I'm no different. She's petite, blonde, funny and very sweet. But she doesn't have that thing - you know some girls are just very savvy, sophisticated, can work a room and have an eye on the future. She's not that. She's just a nice girl and a good friend. I joke that she could be on a show on the Disney channel, just a wholesome fun loving girl. One thing she loved about Auburn was the spirit.

I thought the best tactic for us to take since she has until next summer to decide is to just continue asking people we know if they were in sororities and if they'd write her a rec.

I know there are the outfits to consider that we'd deal with next summer. Even though my sister works for Lily Pulitzer, my d really doesn't care for that style clothes. Sis is convinced its mandatory in the south to wear your Lily and pearls, but that just isn't d.

I figure if I play this low key, get the recs, help her get the outfits, if she doesn't get nervous and goes in unaware of the hype of tiered houses, who went where for camp, she could actually find her people and not be concerned with which house.

I read the Auburn website where they talked about really only 5% of girls end up with no bid, which doesn't count the ones who drop out during the process. Is that a large amount? D isn't weird or awkward, was homecoming princess this year if that says anything.

Is there anything else you'd be doing to prep that wouldn't make her too nervous?

There are lots of Auburn threads on Greekchat--search for "Auburn Recruitment". War Eagle!

As far as recruitment wardrobe, if I remember correctly the Auburn Panhellenic has a facebook page and posted a ton of photos from each day of recruitment. Have your daughter check those out.

As far as recs go, have your daughter ask her teachers. They went to college and some of them might be Greek. I wore my badge to school on Monday in honor of our Founders' Day on Saturday and I had two students ask me about it.

I'm not going to presume to know what interest your daughter actually has in going Greek, but from your post, it sounds like you're way more interested in this than her. Of course, all of us here understand that being Greek is a great way to meet new people, but you have to trust that your daughter will be able to do that on her own.

And as hard as you try, you can't protect her forever from the harsh realities of Greek life (or life in general). You can pretend that "tiers" don't matter, and that girls won't gossip, and that it's all just puppies and rainbows, but it's not.

Definitely help your daughter, but don't push her into something that she may not want. And don't try to shield her from all the "scary" stuff about sorority recruitment. In my opinion, going in knowing what to expect would be better than thinking it's all a perfect, happy experience for everyone.

ETA: I didn't intend for all of that to sound mean.. I just wouldn't want your daughter to go in with unrealistic expectations.

Good luck to her should she decide to go through recruitment! :)

I wouldn't stress out too much because she is not the most outgoing queen bee in the world. Shy women tend to have more trouble during recruitment just because the active sisters have SO many girls to remember and it does help to stand out for something, but she doesn't have to be the absolute center of attention at every party in order to be successful. There is a place in greek life for young women with all sorts of personalities, and most chapters don't want a new member class made up entirely of alpha girls/leaders. It takes a good mix of women to make an effective sisterhood.

Most women who go through recruitment at most schools, even the ones with competitive recruitments, can find a place in a chapter as long as they keep an open mind and seriously consider every chapter that invites them back. The women who drop out during the process often do so because they were not invited back by their favorites. As an OOS PNM, it may be a little easier for your daughter to keep an open mind because she hasn't spent her formative years hearing about which sororities are "the best" and she won't have to deal with the heartbreak of being dropped by the sorority where all of her high school friends went. That sort of thing can contribute to women deciding to drop out entirely rather than giving their remaining chapters a fair chance. I'd encourage to her go into it with the attitude that she is trying to make new friends and to be herself. Good luck to her and to you!

Thanks for the thoughts. Right now she thinks she wants to try, but doesn't have any idea how competitive it is for the girls who've grown up around it.

I'm actually very neutral on sororities, I didn't do it in college and it definitely is not my personal preference. However, if she wants to do it, I will help her figure out how to put her best foot forward.

I'm an "overachiever" with everything - spreadsheets are my bread and butter - lol. You should see my college spreadsheet! And trust me, if my d wants something, I'll figure out the way to best go about it.

I don't do the last minute panic thing well, so I figure we have all these months, let's figure this thing out.

Plus, given it's my "baby" I've got to focus on something besides my empty nest next year! Sure, I could focus on my job, but how boring would that be?

With her kind of grades and involvement, if she WANTS to be Greek, she probably will be. Auburn is competitive but has 17 chapters to find a home for almost any girl that wants to be Greek. Girls are still released, but if your daughter has a real interest and shows it to the girls during rush, she shouldn't be at risk for getting released because she seems well-rounded (on paper at least, obviously we don't know her).

I am all for helping your kid, but I think that she needs to be driving this bus. Otherwise, she might feel compelled to make certain decisions because mommy did so much work.

Well, you won't be doing the recruitment thing either. She will, so she needs to be the one to figure this stuff out.

Speaking as a parent, I'd say step away from the spreadsheets.

I know it's hard (I'm a parent too) but let you daughter take the lead with this. Tell her you're there to help her if she needs it and wait until she asks. Imagine how you would help her out if she were going on a job interview. Take her shopping, proof read her resume for typos, be there to listen and support, etc.

If you need recs and can't find them, register with your local city Panhellenic. They will help you find recs usually. If you're in a smaller town or suburb, contact Panhellenic in the closest city. You can suggest to her to contact a Panhellenic group but let her be the one to contact them.

A good "life lesson" she'll learn is that stereotypes are just that--stereotypes (not reality). Yes there are less than classy girls and mean girls that join sororities but there is also every other type of girl in every sorority on campus. Sororities are so big these days that no matter where she ends up, she'll be able to find friends and girls she "clicks" with.

A note about clothing--if your daughter isn't into Lilly, she shouldn't wear it. Keep the "job interview" analogy in mind again. The brand doesn't really matter--stick to classic, well fitting clothes that she feels confident in. I think all SEC schools put out a "what to wear each day" guide and you can normally find it on the school's Panhellenic website.

Good luck to your daughter and don't stress!

A lot of people will chime in here to say all of the chapters are great, they all have wonderful women, etc. I want to go ahead and add the following: there may be chapters that are more of the "popular girl" types, and they will be popular with PNM's, likely including your daughter. These chapters know how to make everyone feel really special. But you know what? That chapter where the girls lack that je ne sais quois? Maybe that's the chapter where your daughter will be able to stand out and be a leader.

My only advice is that she might want to seriously consider dumping that unsupportive jagoff of a boyfriend.

I know very few sororities who would say "no" to a sweet girl with a 3.8, leadership positions and good looks.
You and she need to remember that there are 1,000 other sweet, smart girls out there with the same things. Yes, literally. So the more preparation, the better, especially when it comes to sorority recruitment in the SEC. Keep talking to people...try to find some other Auburn/SEC folks for a more tailored view. All the groups at Auburn have all types of girls, from the party heartiers to the studious church-goers. She'll get a good experience in any of them.

DON'T step away from the spreadsheet for recs. It can be very helpful to keep everything straight. Keep asking around - a sorority alum does not have to be from the sorority's Auburn chapter. She can be from any chapter of that sorority. Once you find an alum, ask if she knows other sorority alumnae. Teachers, church friends, work friends - even ask men, because their wife-sister-mother-daughter-aunt-grandmother could be sorority members. Post a request on your Facebook page.

If Auburn has an alumni group in your area, you could possibly contact them for help and advice, not just on recs, but on sorority life at Auburn.

Something to remember about Auburn - Greek life is not quite the big deal it is at, say the University of Alabama. There are even honoraries and philanthropic groups that function similarly to NPC sororities.

No, it's not required for every PNM to wear Lilies and pearls! If that's not her style, that's fine. She just needs to be well put together and groomed, with tasteful, appropriate (not necessarily expensive!) outfits.

Unlike some ladies here, I think it's OK for mom to help with finding alums for recs. The student needs to not just hand it all off to mom, but it's a big job and the kids are usually pretty clueless. So a little help from mom is fine, I think.
Best of luck to your daughter!

Of course spreadsheets can be helpful. I was speaking metaphorically—Mom needs to step away from the spreadsheets and let daughter step up to them. Sure, Mom can offer advice and assistance, but this is her daughter's recruitment, not her own. If daughter wants to go through recruitment, daughter should have the responsibility for getting and tracking recs and for doing everything else to prepare.

As Auburn doesn't have houses, it is not as all-day every day sorority the way Bama is. There are a lot of out of state students. Maybe not as high as the 50% of PNMS like at Bama, but pushing 35-40%. Going through recruitment is a good way to meet lots of people. Joining a sorority can be one way for an out of state student to have a group of friends from the start the first day of classes.

They do not have upper class quota yet. I don't think it has come up. Because of this, the best time for someone to try recruitment and have the most options is freshman year.

If Lilly and pearls is not your style, I wouldn't worry about that either. There were lots and lots of other cute styles this year. I wouldn't wear a pant suit, but wear a dress you love that makes you feel good. I think some girls bought a navy or orange dress they were going to use for a game day dress in navy and wore that for IWT.

You might suggest that daughter look for the Auburn Panhellenic page on Facebook. They posted lots of photos during this past recruitment, so she would see how the PNMs were dressed.

My youngest daughter went through Ole Miss recruitment last month. She was very successful with a near perfect rush. We were also from out of state. The Ole Miss sororities all do a great job of keeping the girls grounded and do a pretty good job of keeping them occupied and out of trouble. She has LOVED getting to know her sisters!

I was a helicopter mom the entire time! We found alummae support through the local Panhellenic Association. Some of the ladies we found locally were Ole Miss alumnae who really took an interest in my daughter and helped introduce her to actives already in the sororities. You will be surprised at where you can find these ladies. Ask teachers, church ladies, business associates.... She asked teachers and mothers of her friends, I asked my friends and business associates. It was a joint effort!

As far as wardrobe, be are from a big city where couture is popular and what she usually wears. We spent a FORTUNE on her wardrobe! Unfortunately when she got up there and saw all the other girls wearing Lilly, that was all she wanted. She ended up actually ditching one dress and borrowing a Lilly dress from one of her friends. :eek: What I'm trying to say is not to stress out over her rush wardrobe, but maybe have a backup just in case!

I don't know about Auburn, but if it is anything like Ole Miss, it's not who you are, but rather who you know that gets you into the top houses. Keep working that spreadsheet!

Do you think it matters at all who the rec is from? Say the wife of a senator or wife of a celebrity. Would that have any more influence vs some of my friends who are just normal, reasonably successful, but more everyday women?

I personally have no issue having a list of sororities and just asking women who are MY friends what sororities they were in so when d starts asking, she knows who to ask and to keep it organized. I talk with them more and see them more than my d would. D can ask her teachers and coaches herself.

She is still waiting for other acceptances, so Auburn isn't a given yet. I just figured having time it couldn't hurt since this rec seems the most difficult piece of this.

No, the girls are not likely to recognize celebrity wives! LOL What I meant, when I said that who you know is important, was that a rec letter from an Auburn alumnae will hold more water at Auburn than a rec letter from an alumnae who attended a different school. This is especially true if that Alumnae still has contacts within the house or is willing to make some phone calls and help circulate your daughters name.

Again, I'm not sure about Auburn, but at Ole Miss and Alabama there are always Alumnae hanging around the house during recruitment. The active girls are taught to always respect the opinion of the alumnae. If an alumnae is hanging around and asks them to take a hard look at a PNM, you bet they will! Alumnae with ties in the house can also help introduce your daughter to current actives! At Ole Miss, we were told to find rec writers who had attended Ole Miss. Of the three houses that my daughter preffed, we had recs from "in-house" alumnae in two of the three. (So, its helpful, but not not always necessary) My daughter did have friends in all three houses the preffed thanks to introductions made by these "in-house" alumnae.

In general, no, the rec writer doesn't have a lot of pull per se, but if you do have someone (Congresswoman, celebrity or more importantly VIP within the sorority) that would probably pull more weight. In general and without getting into too many specifics, I think it's pretty common for the sororities to just use the rec to check a box (we all vote differently, but you can think of it as adding an extra point to her relative value). Personal recs are vastly more valuable than impersonal ones (a local panhellenic rec), but any rec will at least check off the box.

If you were able to find that many recs in that amount of time, I'm confident you'll be able to get all or close to all of them you need. Just keep at it and make sure she participates in that process. One of the best benefits of this process (which in general I'm not a fan of) is your daughter can have quality one on one time with these sorority alumnae and work on her conversation skills. I would really press her to meet with each of the women individually if the alumna has the time and inclination. She'll hear stories about "the old days," get good advice on the rush process (although it has changed a lot in the last 20+ years) and learn what types of questions will get asked. Also, these women can explain what it's like in general, which can be really overwhelming. The first time the sororities throw open those doors and the roar of ALL THOSE WOMEN comes out it can actually frighten the rushees. Startle them at minimum.

Finally, let me define for you what competitive means. It means there are a lot of girls who are stressing out about getting into particular chapters. It does NOT mean the girls will likely get cut completely from the process. Even with over 1000 girls rushing VERY few get cut completely. Think 20, not 200. Most girls who do not get placed dropped out, regardless of what they tell their mother or friends. All of the chapters at Auburn are huge and varied and none of them are at risk of closure. So she's going to have a 1st choice and a 17th choice after the first round, but when she gets that new list she needs to disregard that original preference and find her new #1 and new #10, or however many invitations she receives back. And do that again after each round, forgetting about the ones who cut her. It's REALLY hard to not take it personally but in a lot of cases it really isn't personal. They have to rank 1000 girls from 1 to 1000 and can only take back X (it varies by chapter, won't get into that here) and your daughter could fall 1 below their cutoff. They'd like to take her, they just can't.

Back to post an update. She made the final decision for school, it just took a trip up to the ne in frigid temps for her to snap herself into reality of what she really likes - the south! She went back and forth on whether she wanted to try a sorority, unfortunately the people she knows around here have been negative about sororities. She came to the determination she would do recruitment, having no clue about rankings of houses, and see what she thinks when she gets there. Of course she is all about shopping for the clothes - lol. If she ever actually gets back to school - we have had TONS of snow days, she's going to ask everyone at school for recs. She was worried because so many of her teachers were males, but I told her most of them are also married - time to just put feelers out everywhere. When should these recs be mailed in?

Also, sounds odd, but she can't wear high heels - she had extensive foot surgery last summer. She walks fine, and wears normal, regular shoes, but high heels are really a no go for her - she has screws in her feet and is still rehabbing. Will she be looked down on if she instead wears cute flats and sandals?

She'll hunt down those recs, and she's very open to wanting all the right outfits, and that's as far as I will go with her. She's a friendly, sweet girl - she'll either fit in as she is or she won't.

Your daughter doesn't mail the recs - the alumnae who write them do. But most large recruitments like those recs sooner rather than later, so this is a perfect time to be working on them.

Don't worry about the shoes. If it would make her feel better, she can explain why she has to wear flats to the rushers. It would make her memorable. But really, you can't change that so don't worry about it. I would just consider the footwear options when selecting her wardrobe so that flats don't look odd.

A lot of 18 year olds haven't conquered walking in heels and shouldn't choose rush to change that. Cute, comfortable shoes, poised and not hobbling or falling on your arse should always win the day.

Suggestion that flats NOT be raised as a topic of conversation. First, it draws attention to something that might not even have been noticed or be an issue. Second, with the sheer number of PNMs, a PNM will want to be remembered for fun and engaging conversations, not as PNM #787 with foot issues. Focus on conversational skills -- nice clothes and accessories will speak for themselves. Good luck!

You've mentioned several times that your daughter is surrounded by people who are feeding her a negative image of sorority life. I love that you are working together to find recs, but your other task needs to be exposing her to people who can paint the other side of the sorority picture. As you discover sorority alumnae where you didn't expect them, create an opportunity for them to share their beneficial sorority memories with your daughter directly. This is especially true for alumnae that she has something in common with and can relate to! The more she hears about the lifelong friendships, the support from her sisters during a rocky patch, the fun and goofiness that break the stress of finals week… the more she'll develop a more balanced picture of why this might be something she really wants to pursue.

Good luck!

If she ended up choosing Auburn, I'd be happy to help with any of your questions your daughter may still have. I'm an out of state student as well, from out west and didn't know a soul coming to school. I would describe myself as very similar to your daughter, both personality and style wise. (I had no clue what Lilly even was during recruitment and was met with wide eyed states haha). I've loved everything about my scholastic and sorority experience and would be honored to help ease some anxiety about moving so far away! Just PM me :)

I agree. Plus Auburn's campus is so hilly that flats are the norm.;)

In fact, per all the magazine fashion advice, a pretty necklace or earrings will draw attention away from the feet. : )

I was at the store the other day, and the saleswoman was wearing the most gorgeous cabochon earrings (a present wouldn't you know, when I asked about them.). I don't even remember the rest of her outfit.

Thanks for reassuring me about the shoes - I didn't want it to be a "bless her heart" moment behind her back.

One of my good friends was in a sorority and has known her since K. It's a great idea to have them talk about it.

So is it time now to mail these recs now? She obviously doesn't have her final transcript yet - do I give everyone a copy to mail in through this first semester or do we wait until she registers in June?

One of her friends mom's also told her she'd write her a rec, and she has family down in that area. Would it be obnoxious if my d asked her if she knew people from that area who could help?

Finally - can current students in sororities in other schools write recs?

Since for Auburn - 17 groups is a lot, it is surely ok to ask women you know to help you find recs for the other groups, just be aware that a rec from someone who knows her or knows you is always going to be better than a transcript rec.

I would say if they are sending in their recs in June that would be fine. Most groups want you to have it in by July 1.

Some NPC groups allow current collegians to write recs some don't, and I haven't been able to keep track of which do. Some individual chapters may give a rec more weight if it comes from an alum too. I would say it would be better than no rec, and if it is from a really good friend it wouldn't hurt?

Agree with everyone else not to mention why she is not wearing heels. In all my considerable years being involved in recruitment, I cannot recall one comment ever about a PNM never wearing heels during rush week. I have heard comments about how darling someone's shoes were, however. As long as her shoes are in good repair and complement her clothes(and are comfortable!!!!), she should be fine.

REcs really are best when written by someone who knows the PNM. Make a list of all the groups at her school. The ask everyone if they know anyone in those groups. If you have a friend in XYZ, she may know someone in the other groups. Greeks tend to have Greek friends. And check to see if there is an alumnae panhellenic in your area and make sure she signs up with them. If her campus has a PH Preview Day or something along those lines, she really needs to attend.

I second Titchou on your daughter attending Panhellenic preview day if her campus has one.