Being in a sorority while being gay
 

Ok, so this is a serious question that has been bothering me. I've wanted to be in a sorority for a long time. However, I'm definitely a lesbian (maybe like guys too, idk), and I'm worried that at most, if not all, universities being both would not be acceptable. I doubt I'm being super paranoid or anything. What campuses would be more accepting of this kind of thing? Thank you so much.

(I'm not trying to start crap or anything, I really do mean this)

Find a school to attend that suits your ACADEMIC needs first and foremost and then worry about extracurricular activities.

Preach!

But really if you want to join a sorority, the one that is right for you and you can be comfortable in will be okay with it. If they're not, then they're not right for you. I know for me, I'd be 100% for taking a woman with a different sexual orientation if she was very open about it because my chapter is really diverse and I love that no matter what race or creed my sisters are, they're great women. Your choice of who you like to spend time with romantically shouldn't play a role in whether or not we think you'd a make a loyal, positive sister. Honestly, sexuality really isn't focused on during sorority recruitment anyways since the whole boys/booze/bills area is touchy so we stray away from it.

Focus on strengthening your personal self first, though--if you're still questioning what kind of label you want to identify as in regards to your orientation, you may need to test the waters first before being really boldly out. Bisexuality is still not even fully accepted in the LBGTQ community so really focus on yourself now and settle into what you are before really coming out with "it" no matter what "it" is. :)

I can't IMAGINE this coming up in recruitment.

OP, from a Midwesterner's perspective, if you are on a campus that is generally welcoming and supportive of the GLBT community, Greek life on that campus will probably also be welcoming and supportive of gay or lesbian members. I'm old enough to be your mom and I knew a bunch of gay or lesbian Greeks when I was in college.

Mileage may vary from campus to campus, but it's not a hard question to check out when you are doing campus tours. Every campus should have a coordinator of student life who can answer your questions.

Agree 100%

Isn't that part of the problem, though? The risk that it wouldn't come up in recruitment, and then she could find herself in an unwelcoming situation once she comes out to her chapter?

I'd like to think we are all progressive and welcoming, but sexual orientation is one of those things upon which it's still (legally and) socially acceptable to openly discriminate, usually justified by some sort of religious beliefs.

That's why I would ask someone at the student life office. I can see a campus where GLBT is totally fine, except in some pockets of campus life.

She could also ask about it at the women's center, if they have one.

Thank you so much for the replies! I'll look at more liberal colleges, which I've mostly been doing. It's hard though because I could get a full scholarship to schools like Bama or Ole Miss but I'm guessing they're not as accepting.

That's definitely my big worry. I wouldn't bring it up because I wouldn't want people to focus on it, which could lead me into a bad situation. I guess my best bet is to talk to people who go to the colleges.

I really appreciate the replies!

If it's very important to you (and I'm questioning that since you don't seem to be 100% certain of your sexuality as you've described it here), then I wouldn't bring it up during round 1 or 2 of rush, but addressing it at round 3 is ok. If they have a problem with it, then they don't want to invite you to preference, but it is too serious of an issue to be discussing with 400 girls crammed in an insanely loud room.

I'm picturing the bad sitcom where you are sitting there during rush, screaming just to be heard by the girl sitting inches away from you, and just as you say I'M GAY the room goes quiet. The parties are much smaller after the first round or two, so at least THAT problem would be diminished. But be aware, the likelihood is you will befuddle the girl you're talking to, so mention it if you feel you must, but try to move on quickly. She doesn't have independent decision making authority so if it's an issue with the chapter, it will need to be discussed later. By bringing it up, you did your job. Then try to move on. If she wants to talk about it great, but remember, the rules of discretion still apply, so ladylike and no details that might be offensive to someone overhearing the conversation, and more than likely out of context.

Oh, definitely. Trust me, my anxiety-fueled brain has enough sitcom scenarios already thought up. From what y'all have said, I think if I went to a liberal school I could just assume acceptance and not make a big deal about it, because I wouldn't want others to make a big deal out of it.

From looking around, it seems like University of Minnesota is pretty accepting and has a greek system (also I have family up there). Does anyone know anything about the climate at that school?

While I agree that you shouldn't bring it up until a later round of recruitment (if you bring it up at all), I wouldn't TRY to bring it up. Let the conversation flow naturally. And know your audience. If you're talking to a sister and she seems uninterested, awkward, shy (yes, even sisters can have a hard time with conversation), then I would hold off. However, if you find yourself really connecting with the sister you're talking to, and the conversation "leads" that way, you MIGHT mention it.

And in my opinion, if the chapters are large enough - especially if they're over 100 members - I probably wouldn't mention it at all. In a chapter that big, you certainly won't be best friends with everyone, and you're bound to find at least a handful of girls (and probably more) who will be accepting and will become your good friends.

I think you're better off putting your faith in 100+ sisters than you are with one sister you talk to during Round 3 of recruitment who might find a way to keep you out of her chapter altogether, based on nothing more than your sexual orientation.

QFP

The Twin Cities are pretty gay these days. I don't know much about the Greek system, but the chapters there are large enough that I think you could probably just ignore the haters.

I went to a school that's pretty conservative. Most gay members were in the closet when they rushed/while they were in school. That being said, even on such a conservative campus, with some VERY traditional Greek life (I would call is SEC-like, although that's only from what I've read here), I was surprised by how accepting everyone was of the members who came out. In my chapter, we had a girl who was dragged kicking and screaming out of the closet (her girlfriend outed her--she was not happy about it). It didn't really change anything.

I would clean up your facebook, but perhaps leave a few clues to your sexual orientation--join the LGBTQ group, indicate your preferences, and leave it at that. Actives will probably check your social media, and that may be enough. If you go to a school with deferred recruitment (rush is not at the beginning of school, but in the middle of the fall/in the spring/beginning of sophomore year), you will have time to get to know the actives before recruitment, and if you are discreet but not in the closet, they will all know your sexuality before rush and you won't need to bring it up at all.

With THAT being said, be aware that if you do join a sorority in a deferred recruitment system, you may be questioned and/or limited in who you date/hook up with. At my school, ALL freshman girls were considered PNMs during fall semester, and we had specific rules about how we could interact with them. Hooking up and/or dating would be a very, very tricky thing. So that's something to think about.

Recruitment is NOT about hiding who you are, but about being the best possible version of who you are.

I am sure that you didn't really mean to say this... right? :)

I had Sisters who were gay when I was in college.
Chapter size in the 60's. Smallest Division 1 school in the counrtry. In the 1980's.

The fact that my Sisters were gay or straight didn't matter. I loved them as human beings. I loved them as my Sisters.

The woman that preffed me -- I knew she was gay before Pref (though she didn't come out until after college). I knew I wanted to be her Sister because of HER (her personality, her caring, how she showed me what Chi Omega meant to her), not her sexual preference.
That didn't even factor into it.

Yikes! There should be a "not" in there! It's NOT about hiding who you are!!!! Rewrote the damn sentence twice and still managed to f it up... Sigh.

Thank y'all so much. I don't really have much to reply but your kind words have made me feel better. :)

My little is gay and I knew that in college, even thought she was not out and tried hard to hide it (it was west Texas in the early 90s) but we always accepted her for exactly who she was.

In my organization, I have known collegians in other chapters who were out (bi and gay) who have held leadership roles (even chapter president) and were completely accepted . I think the key is that these women shone for their personalities and their interests and the strengths they brought to the chapter, not for their sexual orientation.

So be proud, but don't be loud... that would be my take away. Who you date or are interested in dating should not be a topic of conversation for recruitment anyhow, gay or straight.

Amen, amen, amen! One's sex life is not an appropriate topic of conversation in any environment other than one where one needs to declare a desire. Please, what is all this about whether you are gay having anything to do with recruitment? If you only want to be around gay people, that's one thing. But if their sexual orientation is not your concern, why should yours be theirs?

I think it's very realistic to worry about being shunned based on her sexual orientation. Gay people are still ostracized, bullied and physically abused based on that one single factor every day in America. I think in real life she would be welcomed (all other issues being equal) by just about any sorority. But to pretend that sexual orientation doesn't matter and has no place in concern about how/if she will fit into a chapter culture is not realistic. The trick is to find answers to her questions without making anyone uncomfortable. I do like the idea of something obvious but low-key on your social media. That way they will know in advance and it doesn't have to be brought up.

True, Sis, but it's so irrelevant to me. I don't give a flip who you are sleeping with (unless it's my SO), so why should anyone else care????

Well, there we fall into unicorns pooping rainbows territory and I'll let Dr. Phil handle that.

This isn't about sex.

I don't wanna be in charge of the rainbow pissing ponies. :(

Truth of the matter is that people still care and it is only a relatively small percentage of people who do not care. Even some of the people who claim not to care have limits on how much they actually want to SEE it. Meaning, some things work in theory but not in practice and people are often not as open and accepting as they've convinced themselves. Inequalities would not be pervasive despite social changes if the world was as peaceful and accepting as the ponies are telling us.

For the record, even supporting rights and pride means we (those of us who are outspoken in support of freedoms) care. :) Not caring either way is apathy and that means people have the ability to ignore it either way. So, it does matter to us with whom people are attracted (with or without sexual encounters). We also know that a lesbian sorority member doesn't necessarily want US. I don't want every man in the world and every man doesn't want me. The same applies to women in sororities.

For another record, there is technically an aspect of single-sex GLOs that is also often manifested in single-sex schools. Some people begin to "date" within the group or become curious and exploratory within the group. If that becomes an issue, talk it out and make it clear that this chapter/GLO is not a hump haven.

This, a lot of times, is what I've seen as an "issue." A straight fraternity man (for example) thinks that if a member is gay, that the gay member is going to hit on or make a move on him. This freaks him out, so he doesn't want to allow an openly gay member into the group.

The irony is that with the percentage of people in this world who are gay, if there are even 10-15 members in a chapter, chances are, at least one of them is gay, whether the chapter knows it or not.

It's like the Boy Scouts now accepting gay members.. as if there were none before...

Your example above speaks, to me, more about douchy guys who think EVERYONE is hitting on them. That same guy will think you must be a lesbian because you turned him down. I don't know that the same concern would be as common in women.

It is. Women are not immune from various manifestations of heterosexism and false assumptions. Men have male privilege and heteromasculinity but none of these things would persist if women did not buy into it.

It's not wrong, or an indication that the OP's priorities are out of whack, that she's asking that question. I knew, for example, that I wanted to go to a school with progressive politics. It was a foregone conclusion that I'd go to a college with great academics so I could focus on the campus atmosphere.

Even in 2013, it's totally reasonable that an LGBT student would focus on schools where he or she would be comfortable. That's a huge part of the "college search experience" and finding a good fit. It's just not, and has never been, academics first.

While I agree with all of you about rights and freedom et al, I still maintain that who one is attracted to or sleeps with or whatever is just not any of my business nor anyone else's. And why one would feel the need to talk about it during recruitment is totally beyond my comprehension. If you think that someone needs talk about being a lesbian, why should someone not say "hey, I'm attracted to guys?" That makes absolutely no sense to me.

You may feel it is none of your concern but that isn't how the average person sees it. Whether people support LGBTQ rights or not, there are ways we express our social positions on a daily basis. This includes basic conversations.

Here is a basic conversation rooted in heterocentrism:
Sorority member: Are you familiar with this philanthropic event? We were presented with an award at the homecoming game.

Sorority aspirant: Indeed and I appreciate this excellent philanthropy. My boyfriend and I attended one of your service events last year and were at the homecoming game.

That was an unintentional or intentional announcement of (assumed) heterosexuality and traditional woman-man relationships. The same applies to ways in which people convey other group identifiers such as socioeconomic status and race.

I know that people are attempting inclusion and equality when they claim they don't care. But in reality it usually becomes more "don't ask don't tell" rather than real social inclusion. It is similar to when people claim racial inclusion and then say "I don't care ether way because we don't see race." That usually is a passive aggressive way of telling people to assimilate as much as possible and to shut up about whatever differentiates you from the rest of the group.

While I see your point, Phil, I would be more apt to say "my friend" rather than boyfriend. Maybe I'm just weird. My best friend is a lesbian...but I don't see that when I look at her. I see the person who not only knows where the bodies are buried but who has helped me bury a few.

I, too, use gender neutral language a lot.

But as with every discussion of social interaction and inequality, this is not about GCers as individuals. There are 7 billion people in the world, most of whom use gender specific and heterocentric language.

I have also had people in professional and personal environments get impatient with me and tell me that I need to announce whether I am talking romantically about a man or a woman instead of saying "partner" and "significant other." I was told that it makes people uncomfortable if they can't identify me as a heterosexual woman. :rolleyes:

Seems to me that is their problem - not yours!

The point isn't whose problem it is (and it would be my "problem" if I was stigmatized and excluded). The point is how social inequality is reinforced both through policies and practices. I don't believe in telling people to just smile and think of the glass as half full. Thousands of years of humanity are not so simplistic.

Basic conversation is one component of GLOs therefore we shouldn't be clueless as to how people are identified, labeled, and stigmatized.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1555835880

This is a good book. Keep in mind some of the more negative stories took place in a very different time.

Thank you for the book recommendation! Like I needed any more fuel for my online shopping addiction, lol.

I agree with what all of y'all are saying. It shouldn't matter, but it does. While I would prefer for it not to be a big deal, it unfortunately could become one. There are crappy people everywhere in the world who will judge me, but I would prefer to go somewhere where there are less of them. Being in a sorority is important to me. I would go to an all-girls school but I can't afford the extremely high tuition, so a sorority would be my first experience of a sisterhood, as all I have is a brother. I know that I wouldn't hit on my sisters, but other people don't understand that, so I have to be careful.

(I don't know exactly where that paragraph went so I hope it makes sense.)

Just a general tip, as you apply for college: if you see a private school that you really like and can get it, apply even if you can't afford the sticker price. Many private schools adjust the sticker price for students who have financial need. The cost of the school may be much closer to the cost of a state school than you would expect, and it could be affordable.

It can't hurt to apply and then talk to the Financial Aid office to see what they can do for you.

I'll keep that in mind. :)

I am a recent graduate and on my campus it wasn't uncommon to see people who were gay being members of Greek organizations. Having said that, even on my liberal campus it was "unofficially" known which houses would be more accepting and which would be less.

I don't know what kinds of schools you're looking at, and I don't think that you should bring up your sexuality directly during recruitment. That could be quite awkward just because it's not generally seen as an appropriate topic to talk about.

However, if you want to say something indirectly, perhaps mentioning being involved with the LGBTQ group on campus would get the point across without being too forward. I know on my campus they had a lot of activities, so it could be as simple as saying you plan to get involved with a sub-section of the organization (or that you are, if the recruitment is in the Spring and you're involved already).