is this cheating????
 

This is kind of long...but just bear with me!!! :D

Okay after being in a relationship for about 8 or 9 months me and my boyfriend broke up (he ended it). This happened about 2 weeks before he was leaving to go out of state and sell fireworks (like far far away). Anyways, we talked one night and discussed doing something (such as a movie or something) when he got back from his trip (he was going to be gone almost month). I got really excited and he told me not to get any hopes up b/c he didn't know how things were going to work out. Basically telling me "I don't know if i want you back yet". We talked about ever other day on the phone, and things seemed to be going well. Then, one night when he was gone, I went to a club w/ friends, got pretty bombed, and ended up kissing this guy i was friends with. The next day he called me and asked me about what happened. Somehow he had found out. I told him the truth and he got really pissed at me. He told me that was cheating because I should have known we were going to get back together. My question to you is whether you would consider it cheating. I ask this for 2 reasons

1. WE WERE BROKEN UP!!!
2. I don't think that, "i should have known we were going to work things out" is a good enough reason to consider us even close to being in a relationship.

Could you please let me know what you think....its really bothering me and i am almost sure i didn't do anything wrong. :rolleyes:

What you did is not cheating. The fact that you are so concerned shows that you are a person of strong morals and values and that you should have dumped this guy long before he broke-up with you.

I'd focus on things with your "friend" who you kissed. It's always fun to have someone new around when you are getting over someone old.

In the immortal words of Ross (Friends) .....

"WE WERE ON A BREAAAAKKKKK...."

'nuff said

piss on him for stringing you along .... life is too short for little weenies like that


brooklineu - like that "King of Stupid" - excellent

I agree with what everyone else has said -- it was not cheating and you did nothing wrong.

It looks like he is playing games with you and is being unreasonable. You're not with this guy now, are you?

Re: is this cheating????
 

First off, he skipped town to sell fireworks......SELL FIREWORKS!!!!. That alone should be reason to kick him to the curb. Secondly, you were broke up, so move on with your other man.

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D Brooklineu, you are SO right! Sounds like this guy wants his cake but wants to eat it, too. :confused:

Newsflash: When you break up with a girl, you no longer get a say in who she kisses.

You weren't cheating. That guy sounds like he doesn't want the responsibilities of being in a relationship with you, but he wants the benefits. He can't have it both ways. I write from experience; he was uncertain about what he wanted and this is just the excuse that he needed. Seriously, get him out of your life. He's not worth the stress especially when there are so many nice guys out there who are highly kissable.

Re: Re: is this cheating????
 

LOL! I was thinking the same thing...

no we aren't together anymore. i had enough of his shit. he treated me really badly and i got sick of it...i just wanted to get someone elses opinion about the situation

i am a lot happier now that we're not together

Thank you! God love you for saying this..now I just wish guys would get the hint.

quote:
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Originally posted by dzrose93



Newsflash: When you break up with a girl, you no longer get a say in who she kisses.
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yeah...i feel that one, too...my ex always loved to check up on what i was doing, and he loved to get mad whenever he found out... ;)

boys...i'd much rather just chill with my sistas sometimes, ya know? just as much drama, not as much stress!

LOL, it pretty much was cheating . . . .

why????
 

why do you think it would you consider that cheating, james???

No it wasn't! :p

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???? Are you just trying to stir things up, James? :confused: If not, I'd love to hear your rationalization of that statement. ;)

WELL . . .
 

Well since everyone took the high road on this one and gave the obvious response, which I might have given myself, I thought I would either not participate, or approach the problem from a different persepective.

Relationships are not just verbal/logical agreements: we are going out, or not going out, dating, not dating, they are also emotional connections/constructs. Most of which is in the mind.

I would be surprised if there are many girls on GC that had never once in their life had a crush on some hottie they never spoke to but walked by everyday, or saw somewhere frequently. You may have even had a cool nickname for him that all your friends would know. Maybe a few of your friends thought he was hot too, and you would talk about whether he made eye contact, how he looked, or if he said something to you. All in your head.

Getting back on track here.

Classic Scenario:

The partner that feels in a power position breaks-up with the other person, either with the infamous Lets-Date-Others Speech, or the equally infamous Lets-Just-Be-Friends Talk.

What it really means is the person wants to be free to look for something better while still keeping you in reserve . . . :rolleyes:

Now a lot of times both people enter into a secret unspoken emotional agreement. If neither person actually hooks up with someone else, they can both get back together. So usually the person who did the breaking up goes out and does his/her thing while the other person tries to maintain constant contact. The contact itself (phone calls etc) are part of the game because they make it less likely the other person will hook-up because they are still paying attention to their so-called ex partner.

Anyone's head spinning yet?

We have all seen this pattern before and probably therapied our friends through it.

So, alphaxidelta12, while you didn't technically cheat in the letter of the law, but you violated the unspoken expectation/game that you both were playing that damaged the emotional part of the relationship you still had with the guy.

And you are right, it wasn't a healthy one, but it was still there, and you would be foolish to ever date the same guy again.

I'm on your side in the sense that what you did was fine. If a girl breaks-up with me in the morning, she better mean it, because I am going out that night. But, i would never have maintained a pseudorelationship with the person and let myself be strung along. I don't play those games with people.

Oh and lol, he must have been so shocked when you actually hooked up (only kissed? Come on!). Most people that do the breaking up only do it because deep inside they don't think the other person will hook-up with anyone else.

Sorry about the rambling but I feel brain dead for some reason . . . good luck. And trade the idiot in on a newer model with better options and more bells and whistles.

Oh and a final word to the wise: Always trade up.

Re: WELL . . .
 

okay, first off all i did was kiss the other guy...nothing more. i'm not the type to get drunk and screw anything w/ a pecker. second, i was not playing games. we had discussed doing something but not where it would lead or anything. i was under the impression (when he left) that all we would be was friends unless something big changed his mind. thats all i was asking for. he made it seem to me that maybe, just maybe if i was lucky and i worked really hard, we could get back together. thats bull. i don't like being the type of person who just sits around crying, so i went out and ended up kissing (YES, just kissed) somone. big deal. he didn't want me (what he told me) anymore so there was no reason for me to wait (b/c i was told not to expect anything). i do agree with you that in that if he had told me we would definitely try to work things out when he got back it would have been cheating in a sense. nothing along those lines was said though. if we had talked about seriously working things out one time before the little incident happened i would have had a reason to feel really bad about what happened, but we didn't. i was by no means playing the games you were talking about (don't see how you think i was). he was the one playing w/ my head. i felt really bad at the time, but now i feel that if he didn't want me to end up with someone else, or whatever, he shouldn't have broken up with me. although i didn't feel this way before, now i think he got what he deserved.

sorry to sound so bitchy w/ that post, james. i really do appreciate your honest opinion. i wish more guys would respond to this b/c i kind of wanted their opinion of it too. maybe its just us girls that think the way i do. anyways, thanks again for being honest

Thank you!!!! Lordy, my ex bf and I broke up in 1997 for chrissakes and he recently got pissed off at me because I went out with and made out with a guy he doesn't like. Like he has any right. He's the 35 yr old with the 20 yr old girlfriend-- if there was ANYTHING to take exception to here, it would be that! LOL

P.S. It was just a kiss!

Your man sounds a little rude, telling you not to get your hopes up...come on, one minute he doesn't know if he wants to be with you and the next he's mad about a Kiss?

If you were in a real relationship, I mean long term(ring and all) then kissing another person isn't the best possible thing, but it's not cheating! Kissing is cheating ONLY if you're in 5th grade!

He needs to get a grip!

Maybe this boy you kissed would be a better boyfriend?

Kissing isn't cheating? Wow, thats cool, so you ladies don't mind if your BF kisses other girls? Can I quote you all for my next relationship? LOL.

Damn, thats like a get out of jail free card :D

I bet that if your ex were the one at the bar kissing another woman, he wouldn't consider it cheating. I say move on and move up.

If my fiance kissed another man while dating me, being engaged to me, or married to me, she'd be on the curb. I would expect her to do the same to me. There is nothing like getting a knife jammed in your back. I could never trust that person again. Although, I guess everyone has their differences in opinion on cheating, mine tend to be pretty strict.

I feel the same way, ZZ-kai-. :) My boyfriend would be my "ex"boyfriend quicker than you could bat an eyelash if he kissed another girl!

HOWEVER, my boyfriend is only my boyfriend if we are actually dating at the time! If we're broken up, like the original post in this thread explains, I can kiss whoever I like. Thank you very much. :D

okay now, i am in a 'real' relationship. over 1 year and 8 months. i have a promise ring to tide me over till he can afford an engament ring (ie. until he graduates and gets a job). and i would certainly consider a kiss cheating! he never would, but if he were to pull that crap on me it would take a LOT of work for me to trust him again, if ever. and if some girl was hitting on my man, and she knew he was taken, then she had better be watching her back ;o) i don't know how anyone could miss it, i got him a promise ring that he wears on his left ring finger . . . i can't tell you how many times ppl mistakenly thought he was married!

i completely agree w/ all of you guys that a kiss is cheating, but not unless you are IN the relationship (not the case in my situation), right?

hell, kissing is definitley cheating in my book...i wouldn't expect the guy i was with to kiss anyone but me. if he did, he sure as hell wouldn't have me anymore. but that is only if it is understood that the two people are in an EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. any other time sexual acts (kissing, fooling around, etc..) should in no way be considered cheating. the key word is relationship. if both halves of the couple understand the terms of their relationship and one of them breaks these terms, that is cheating.

I think that you answered your own question. You weren't cheating.

Are you guys for real. It was a kiss, nothing more. She didn't say they were hot and heavy, just a kiss.

So, since I went out for new year's and kissed several men...you know it is the Hoilday to do so, then I have just cheated multipe times?

JAMES: If you had a perpetual kissing issue then I would assume you had problems and yes I would have a word with you. BUT THIS WAS ONE KISS AND NO ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP!

The guy had probably done more with girls and she never knew but he needs a way to get out and this is what he chose to gripe about.

Yeah, you are right. It was only a kiss, and there was no technical relationship. If there were a relationship, then she'd have been wrong. If there was a relationship and it were him who kissed someone else, then he needs to be kicked square in the jimmy.

If you are kissing people on New Years, innocently on the cheek, thats alright. If you are sucking someone face and checking their stomach for what they ate that night, then I'd say you are cheating.......if you're in a relationship.

Ugh...AxiD12...there are a lot of people that seem not to have read your initial post, stating that you were on a LEGITIMATE break from the relationship, therefore entitling you to see other people if you so choose.

You in no way cheated on this guy. He is a jerk for making you feel like you did, or even making you doubt yourself and ask us. If you were going out and kissed a guy, yeah...I could definitely understand him having a big ass problem with that. Quite frankly, even if you did a hell of a lot more (which I don't believe you did...you seem like a very honest person) it is none of his business because you were NOT together. It sounds to me like he is just being a control freak, because you know that if you called him on what he was probably out doing, he'd just roll his eyes and call you nuts.

Anyway, good luck and keep us posted!

Delta love,
Tridelta4ever

Even if you guys were planning to get back together, when he qualified the whole reunion thing with "don't get your hopes up" he left the door open for you to hook up elsewhere. What were you supposed to do, sit around and wait while he figured out what HE wanted? Basically what he was saying to you was "I'll be back as long as something better doesn't come along." Another possibility is that he didn't want to get back with you but didn't want to hurt you, and by crying "cheat" now he can lay the responisbility for not getting back together on you, almost as if you dumped him.

If you think there is still hope and you want to work it out, sit him down and explain to him that once you are on a break, until you mutually agree that you are back together (not just thinking about getting back together) you are free to do whatever with whoever. My hubby's ex pulled this whole bit on him. They had not gotten back together but were still occasionally hanging out. She showed up at 3 am for a booty call one night just 2 or 3 weeks before he and I started dating and I guess she thought that because he had sex with her that meant something. Let me tell you, she was soooooo shocked and indignant when I came on the scene and he told her to step off because he had a girlfriend. (Mind you, the reason they had broken up was that she had been cheating on him!!!!) She acted like a total psycho and told everyone how the evil Chi O bitch had stolen her man......whatEVER!!!!!! He had no claim on you.....do NOT feel guilty.

thanks erika! i tried the whole "sit down and talk it out thing with him" and he was just way to hard-headed to get it. i finally realized after wasting 6 more months with him that he wasn't going to let it go and that he would continually hold it over my head, so i finally gave up. its all good though, now that i know i have no reason to feel the least bit guilty, i'm through with him! no more apologizing!!!!!!

Good girl!!!!! Someone worthy will come along, if he hasn't already (I didn't realize this was so long ago)!!!!:)