Making the decision to depledge
 

Hey everyone. I've been lurking on GreekChat for months (thanks for all the recruitment advice!) but I'm a first time poster. I know GreekChat is full of amazing women who love their sorority, so I'm hoping some of you can give me advice. I recently pledged a sorority at a big Southern school. I never thought I'd join a sorority, but I ended up going through rush and accepting a bid from my legacy house. I've been a part of my sorority for over a month now, and it's definitely been a mixed bag- some parts I like and some parts I do not. Initiation is coming up and I'm considering depledging for a few reasons.

I don't feel like I fit in with my chapter- I have different morals, values, and religious beliefs than the majority of the girls. I've met some really nice people and have found a group of friends, but I don't feel like I "click" with them. Nearly every girl in my chapter is Christian and I am not. It seems like religion is very important in our chapter. I am very uncomfortable with all of this. I have no objections to Christianity, but I'm not familiar with it at all and I feel like an outsider.

I'm also uncomfortable with all of the rules. Some of them are understandable, but I think a lot of them are a bit ridiculous. I'm constantly paranoid that I'm going to unknowingly do something wrong and get in trouble or kicked out. It's really taken a toll on me. I never wear my letters around campus because I'm scared that I will do something to make my sorority look bad.

Can anyone give me advice? I know many of you are alums and can see the bigger picture. I take the lifetime commitment very seriously, and I don't want to be initiated into an organization that I'm not 100% passionate about. I feel like it's unfair to both myself and the sorority. I wish I could postpone initiation so I could think about it a little more.

Can I ask why you joined? If you drop, do you plan on trying again?

If the alternative is to quit entirely, then talk to your new member educator ASAP. Maybe there is a chance that you can put off initiation.

Understand that you are at an important cross roads. If you depledge, there is slim to zero chance that you would receive a bid anywhere, if you chose to rush again. We really can't tell you if you should depledge or not. We don't know how unhappy you are.

I decided to rush because I wanted to be a part of the sisterhood. I really wanted to make lifelong friends in college and find a "home away from home." I joined my particular sorority because I loved their philanthropy and felt like all the girls were genuine. And of course, my mom was in the sorority so that was a big plus. My mom and I are super close and being her sister means a lot to me.
If I decide to drop, I know I'll never rush again. I'm really questioning if sorority life in general is right for me.

Talk to your pledge educator. Ask her to meet you for coffee some place quiet and tell her about your questions and concerns. These are legitamate concerns.

One of the things that can be hard in the huge pledge classes we have at big schools is it is getting harder to create that "ah-ha!!" Moment where everything clicks you love your pledge class an your big is your long lost sister-from-another-mother.

Tell her your questions about faith. Occasionnally one girl will go over board about religion but that might not represent the whole chapter.

Tell her your questions about the rules. Are they straightforward? Are they clear? Were they put together for you in writing? Sometimes a pledfe educator assumes everyone knows more than they do. Its ok to ask questions. Tell her your concerns and hopedully she can help relieve some of the stress. This is just one more part of adjusting to college.

All of this!
Also, have you talked to your mom about it?

First off, welcome to GreekChat! I always find it refreshing when a new poster is thoughtful and articulate.

Secondly, while I wouldn't assume that your mom would reveal ritual information to you, I find it interesting that you're just now seeing the religious aspect of your sorority. Do you and your mom share the same religion? If so, perhaps you should discuss the issue with her, and ask her if she has any suggestions for how to feel more comfortable with the religious references.

Thirdly, some people simply aren't cut out for sorority life, and you may be one of those people. There's nothing wrong with that at all, and if you think you'll constantly be viewing your membership negatively, it might be best to depledge. You're the only one who can make that decision though, so any comments you receive here should be taken with a grain of salt.

Finally, sorority life as a collegian is a relatively short amount of time in the grand scheme of things. Life as an alum is quite fulfilling, yet isn't as strict (or obviously religious) as collegian life. It may be worth sticking around a while longer to see if you can feel comfortable with your group in order to experience life as an alum.

Re: the religion aspect.
First, that's probably not something that came from the sorority. More than likely, there is a group of members who is very devout and maybe even lead a Bible study group within the chapter.
Those members can be very vocal. You may feel like you need to join in, but you really don't.

Second, you're in the South, and Christian churches and religion pay a big part in daily life in the South. Often, church is the main social outlet in town. I would suggest talking to your vp:programs (sometimes called an education chairman) about a program about your sorority's stance on faith. It could even branch out into a discussion about the different faiths represented in your chapter.

I'm sorry this makes you uncomfortable - it's never meant to. I know that a lot of people who move to the South get all bent out of shape when a lot of people ask where they go to church. It's just how we're friendly - we want to make sure you feel included (if anybody asks you that, just say you've found a church home - you don't have to elaborate).

I understand that most folks are just being friendly! It's just that it gets tiring after a while, if that makes sense. I have the upmost respect for Christians, but I have been evangelized to my entire life, and sometimes I just want a break. I've lived in the South since birth, but my family is originally from the North. So that may account for the cultural rift. My mom grew up in a much more secular part of the country, so I don't think she faced the same issues I am facing.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I'm going to do some soul-searching and really think about whether sorority life is for me. I've been putting a lot of effort and time into my sorority, so that should help. It's confusing, because all of my friends are in sororities and LOVE it. I guess I was expecting to automatically love it too.

I've loved it as a pledge, active and alum; however, I do think things can evolve as you go -- My freshman year, I hung out only with the girls who had the same interests as I did. As I matured, I found others who believed differently and we formed close friendships.

Don't forget that next year, you will play a role in selecting new members -- women who you will love.

It also lasts a lifetime. I know that it is difficult to see past next week, but trust us on that -- it's worth it.

Very good points.

I would also posit that there are also more nonreligious or at least less pious women in your chapter than you realize. Your experiencing culture shock, which is not unusual. Southern chapters can be overwhelmingly Christian. The key is can you find your place without feeling like you are being forced to pretend to be something your not or judged for not being Christian. I suspect you can, but I hope you'll investigate before you quit. The new member period can be difficult. It's not always sunshine and roses. Adjusting can take a lot of work. Good luck. I hope what ever you decide is something you can live with.

Also, it COULD be that as a pledge you have all the rules crammed down your throat and you're scared to death, only to find out there's a sizable group of complete ho-bags, drunkards, slobs, whatever, who are not spending one bit of time worrying about the rules that are making you actually consider quitting. You might have an overly zealous pledge trainer who is all about the rules and forgetting about the fun.

Regarding the religion thing, I can definitely feel your pain. While I was in college I still considered myself Catholic, but now as an adult I really consider myself agnostic (believe there is a god of some sort, not a fan of organized religion). This is something that people of strong faith REALLY can't wrap their mind around. Moving back to the United States after 3 years away I really felt the weight of how much religion controls all aspects of so many American's lives. But here's the thing - dropping out of the sorority probably isn't going to diminish that. Likely you're going to feel that in all aspects of college and social life in the south. Crap, I live in Southern California and I don't think a day goes by that I don't have some element of religion rear its ugly head at me. On that ground, unless they are harassing you about going to bible study, I'd try to let it go. Because it's such a huge chapter, they're still getting to know you. As they do, they'll stop bringing it up. They don't know they have moved from friendly to boring to oh my god shut up about it already! And with initiation around the corner, fair warning: there WILL be a religious aspect to your initiation. There are only 2 sororities that are truly secular, and I don't think either of them are particularly big in the south. The ritual hasn't changed in 100 years. You just have to bite down and get through it. HOWEVER, if that's going to be a big problem, address it with your pledge trainer, big, president, someone. They can't tell you exactly what's going to happen during initiation but they can probably give you enough clues to make you comfortable. Or maybe your Mom will cheat and share so as to make you more comfortable. That's between you and her. I'm not saying she should.

And on the huge chapter issue and not feeling like you've clicked, you have to give that time. It sounds like you've actually done pretty well making connections. It always seems like everyone is way more connected to each other than you are. Do you know that all 4 members of the Beatles wanted to quit at one point or another because they thought the other 3 were such good friends and he was the odd man out? Even Paul. HA!

I had a friend who used to say he was a "fallen Catholic"—"I get out of bed on Sunday to go to Mass and then fall back in."

Having grown up in a small Southern town, I found one of the most valuable lessons in fraternity life was to see guys who weren't like me as brothers. It was easy to consider guys with similar backgrounds as mine as my brothers. But learning to see guys from very different backgrounds not just as friends but as brothers is a lesson that has stuck with me.

I'm not saying the OP should stick it out when it doesn't feel right just to learn this same lesson. But I wouldn't discount the possibility of forming some real bonds either.

Some of us can ;)

I call myself a Recovering Catholic. I have yet to relapse. I have successfully been on the wagon for about 15 years.

Join the club. I'm recovering too

I don't think you've been through every sorority's initiation ceremony and I am amused that you would make this assumption.

I would think it safe to say that if all the other rituals had a religious component and it made you uncomfortable, OP, initiation probably will, too.

I don't get the impression that it's ritual that she's worried so much about, rather the day to day pervasiveness of evangelical-ish Christianity in her chapter. It's one thing to go to church on Sunday, it's another for someone to tell you that you need to repent because you called your professor a jagoff on Tuesday afternoon.

Funny but I've always called myself "NPC". Or non- practicing catholic! So when I read about the NPC here I just giggle....

OP:

As you've indicated, consider your decision carefully. Don't let go of an opportunity that will provide a lifetime of connections, support and joy.

You can be part of the change you want to see.

Identify members of your pledge class and sisters with whom you share common interests outside of the religious talk that you've described. Make plans to spend time with these people - a trip to the coffee shop, going for a run, etc. Discuss non-religious topics; start a book club, something, anything!

Once you've made your difficult decision, should you choose to be initiated, come on back to GC and start posting with a new user name.

Sending lots of positive energy your way...

The truth is that you're not going to feel this "ZOMG bond of sisterhood" after just a few weeks. The bonds of sisterhood are felt after years of working together, volunteering together, planning events together, going to social functions together, and developing friendships. It is not overnight. If, overall, you enjoy the activities within the sorority and the general interactions you've experienced thus far, stick with it.

A sorority is a social organization: you get out of it what you put into it. You're not that far into it right now and by your own admission you would not rush again. So unless there's a financial constraint, why not continue on with initiation?

FWIW, I've never known someone who held herself over for initiation who stuck around. Talk to your new member coordinator, talk to your mom, and do some soul searching. If you're truly uncomfortable with how religious your fellow chapter sisters are, you probably are not a good fit for that particular chapter's culture and it is up to you to decide whether to stay and help recruit more diverse members or to leave and occupy your time with other people. You can certainly talk to the new member coordinator about how everyone being so religious is alienating you and the chapter can take steps to make you more comfortable, but they can't regulate the beliefs of individual members when you are in social settings with them, any more than they can regulate your beliefs. Good luck!

Love the bit of humor in this serious thread! And who hadn't called their professor a jag off t one point or another?

I still think semester pledge-ships, as we used to call them back in the day,(so forgive if I don't know the correct nomenclature;) ) help with a lot of the indecisiveness during a pledge-ship, especially with a large pledge class. Just being a freshman away from home for the first time, for many, can be overwhelming by itself.

When did these shorter "pledge-ships" begin? I only became aware of it when my daughter pledged a few years ago. Her GLO still has a semester pledge-ship, which she was thankful for, but the majority on her campus did not.

Having been the religious sister in a small sorority that was almost all non-religious sisters that were very vocal in their belief of my stupidity for being a Christian, (not Omega Phi Alpha,) I can understand the discomfort you are feeling. I hope that these girls have not been judgmental in words or actions towards you. If you are a part of a large chapter, I would imagine that even if there is a religious element to your ritual or if there are girls that are holding Bible studies, there are others that are not attending these Bible studies, or are not religious at all. You seem to be thinking through this in a way that can only result in doing what is right for you, and I commend you for that. I hope that whatever decision you make that it will only make your collegiate experience wonderful.

Early 90s. I was the first NM class for my chapter fall 93.

Depends on the group but ~Early 90s. I was the first NM class for my chapter fall 93.

I know in 1991 we still had the semester long program. But we were among the last to change.

Thanks so much to everyone for the thoughtful advice. I spoke to my pledge educator about my concerns and she was very understanding. She's going to find out if I can postpone initiation and try to introduce me to some more girls. My chapter is enormous, so there's a good number of girls that I haven't even met yet! I'm going to be spending a lot of time with my sisters this weekend, so hopefully my decision will become more clear. I'll let you all know what I choose to do.

A piece of advice from a very old alumna. As someone said up thread, it takes working together for common goals that bonds are formed. I think even though I made friends among the new members, it wasn't until "rush" the following year and the excitement of Spirit Week and the teamwork it required to pull it all off that I finally "got it" and now almost 50 years later those bonds are stronger than ever. Why, because I stayed involved and continued to work for common goals as an alumna.

Like someone on gc said once in another thread and it is the best analogy I have ever heard. Are you "in it for the wedding or the marriage" Please give it some time.

Your reply kind of makes me want to hug you.

^^ I echo what my sister said. Hugs to Just_Interested. :)

As others have said, it depends on the GLO. At my school, in 1993, one out of four NPC sororities had a full semester pledge period, and if you didn't make grades, you didn't get initiated. By 1994 they'd gone to the "just a few weeks" pledge period. When my local became part of AEPhi in 1995, we were one of the first new member groups to follow the newly-introduced 6-8 week NM program.

Very well put!

Absolutely THIS....in 50 years of wisdom you learn a few things. :-)

Hey everyone! Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice presented in this thread. After a lot of thought, I decided to be initiated with my pledge class. The night of my initiation, I felt so much love for my sorority and the women in it. During the ceremony, I absolutely knew I had made the right choice.

I think one of my problems was I fell in with the "wrong" group of friends. I made a huge effort to be more involved in my sorority by joining committees, eating meals at the house more often, and volunteering for a philanthropy event. I met lots of other girls who I clicked with better. As for the religion aspect- that will never really go away, but I'm learning to handle it better. I've always been a little different from the majority of my peers, but the best part of being different is that my friends and I can learn from each other!

To anyone that may be reading this thread that is considering dropping: please, PLEASE give it some time and effort. Work really hard to be involved. The women in that sorority extended you a bid, so at least respect them enough to give it an honest effort. I truly believe that every kind of woman can find her place in a sorority.

Some of the best advice I have ever heard!

What a wonderful outcome & mature attitude! I am really happy for you and your sisters!

Congratulations! I was also unsure about sorority life when I was pledging and decided to throw myself into it 100% before deciding to quit. I also fell in love with my chapter when I did. It's a great feeling :)

I'm so glad that this has worked out for you! Congratulations and I hope you love it more every day.

Good for you! You are going to be such an asset to your chapter. I am so glad that you hung in there...you won't regret it!

I am absolutely thrilled for you. I know you have many happy years of membership in store.