Can't decide- big dilemma, going through Recruitment
 

Hi there. I am going through rush at an SEC school and I am a sophomore transfer. Needless to say, I went into recruitment into an open mind and literally liked all the girls in every one of the chapters, however there were two chapters that I just didn't feel a fit. Well, it's almost pref night and all the ones that I could see myself in cut me and I was invited to my last choice. These are great girls in X sorority, but I just haven't clicked with them. I have about a good GPA (in between a 3.3-3.5) and was a little involved on my previous campus but I mostly had to work so I could pay for an apartment here and for all my extracurricular activities. (Don't know if that's why they cut me). The thing is, during round 2 I had 5 houses and I felt at home at 4 out of the 5. I got cut from all of them except for one, which was my last choice (as said above). I was devastated and didn't know if I should drop or not? I am in a sophomore group and they have an upperclassmen quota here. The girls in my group literally were here as freshmen but didn't go through rush, but they know a lot of girls in a variety of the sororities, while I know no one in any sorority. I felt like this kind of helped them throughout the process, since they knew them and they would speak up for them during chapter voting. (I know that having friends in sororities DOES NOT guarantee a bid, but I feel like, as said before, the more girls you know/are friends with in a sorority, the higher chance they will stick up for you during voting).

So I don't know what to do, drop rush, go through to bid day and see if I can click (if not, drop before being initiated), go through bid day and see if I can click before signing a bid (apparently we have a week before signing), get to know girls in my classes, get involved, and do spring rush (I know this depends on a chapter basis- but I honestly liked all of the sororities except one or two so my options are open; and I will know a lot of girls by then in each sorority), rush next year as a junior, or to try for the new sorority that is colonizing in the fall.

Please do not bash at me, this is a really tough decision for me and I am looking at all my options thoroughly. Just didn't know if anyone has any advice. Thanks.

I would continue on to see how you feel after Pref. You are under no obligation to join if you don't want to.

I think you need to decide whether you want to be a part of Greek Life. If the answer is no don't sign your bid card. If it is yes sign, show up, be present and see how you like it.

Good Luck to you.

With your upperclass, transfer status, this is probably your best chance to join a sorority. Junior year will be even tougher, there are no guarantees any chapter will be doing informal recruitment next semester, and there are no guarantees you'll develop close connections with sorority women this semester.

With such big groups, there are bound to be women you'll form friendships with. I think you'll feel the love on Bid Day. I'd go.

If you are at an SEC school, there are probably 150 - 300 women in the chapter. How many have you honestly met in your "least favorite"? 5? 10? And why is it your least favorite? You don't like the colors? You don't like the mascot? You think the philanthropy is stupid? They have an ugly house? They are not "top tier" (a phrase I despise)? Are you are saying that you will have nothing in common with anyone in this chapter of 150+ women, that with each new pledge class, changes dynamics? There is no such thing as a bad sorority. No. Such. Thing. Every sorority has wonderful women who do amazing things.

It is going to come down to how badly you want to be involved in Greek life. At an SEC school, this is probably your last chance. If it is really not a priority to you, then drop.

Seriously think about these things.

Take a deep breath.

You are at an SEC school. I assume that the chapter is huge. If that is true, you WILL meet women who you click with at any chapter. You just haven't done it yet. Part of the NM process is finding the women with whom you click in the chapter.

As far as this particular chapter goes, look at them objectively. If they are a decent chapter, and you want to be Greek, this is your best chance. COB is a gamble. You said there are "great girls" in this chapter. That's a good sign.

I understand that you feel slightly uncomfortable at this chapter. I wouldn't worry about it too much. The "I feel at home" during formal rush is an illusion. People work really hard to make that illusion happen and some chapters are better at it than others. It's often a luck of the draw thing which depends heavily on whether you meet a random woman who happens to share your completely random obsession with X (sushi, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Olympic water polo, whatever). After recruitment, the unicorns pooping rainbows go away and every single NM has to work to find her place in a chapter, and every single chapter has to work to fit the NMs into the chapter. It's not instant BFFS no matter what it feels like during rush.

Formal rush is like dating. There's a lot of romantic energy at the beginning, but long term relationships take more than that. They take work and committment and shared values and shared experiences. New relationship energy (the romantic part) goes away.

Sometimes the very romantic dreamboat isn't the one for you. Sometimes he's a jerk. Sometimes the quiet ones grow on you and are the best possible partner.

^^This^^

You need to step back and decide if you want this experience. As a sophomore at a SEC school, this might be your last opportunity. You don't know what, if any, options will be open for COR this spring.

You have only met a handful of the women in this chapter. I would recommend going to Pref today with an open mind and heart and see how you feel. If you really don't feel comfortable, then I would recommend looking into the colonization.

Good luck!

No one here can make this decision for you, but ask yourself a couple questions:

1. Why do you feel as though you don't "click" with this chapter? (Be honest with yourself. Is it because you didn't have great conversations with them during recruitment? .. because you don't share the same interests? .. or because they're not the "popular" chapter?)

2. Would you be ok with potentially never being Greek? (SEC recruitment is competitive, and in some cases, if you don't join as a freshman, your chances of ever getting a bid are slim to none)


(And a big YES to what everyone else has said)

This is the best analogy that I have heard in a long time, KDCat!

Exactly. There will be people you don't even understand how they are part of the same group as the folks you hang out with in a larger Chapter. In order for the group to be effective, it takes all kinds of personalities. If everyone was just alike on the inside, then the Chapter would be awful at one or more things it needed to do well. This is a time to explore, give them a chance. If it's not right then you haven't lost anything by giving them a chance, and in fact you might gain something. And Informal recruitment? Might or might not happen. Juniors rarely get bids at big SEC schools.

I really have thought about it. And I have wanted to be in greek life for so long (Didn't do it at my other school because I was transferring). I will go on ahead and tell you this isn't a "top tier" chapter, but honestly the ones that are "top tier" here I didn't see myself in fully- the five that I got back were "mid/lower tier" chapters (I don't really believe in these word "tier" either). But I thought I would let you know. I never said there was such a thing as a bad sorority either (which isn't what I meant in my original post!) :)

I am definitely going to pref night... it's just I'm worried that I'll go to bid day, spend time with them and don't click at all. I will definitely/most likely re-rush as a junior, but at the same time I don't know if that is looked down upon. I have always wanted to be in greek life for the sisterhood, leadership, networking, philanthropies, the endless service opportunities, etc.

The re-rush in formal recruitment as a junior is not likely to be better UNLESS you make an effort to make friends of sorority women and are VERY lucky. More than likely they will have to drop you again. You could try this one group that likes you now or you could try COB. Possibly one of the 5 groups would be able to take a chance on you once you have friends that have pledged in the group.

You aren't listening to the excellent advice you've been given. I know you are upset that you were dropped by those chapters, but you need to remove the the emotion and look at the facts.
1) This may be your only chance to be greek -- very few juniors will get a bid at an SEC school.
2) This chapter has invited you back because they see something in you they are interested in and can see you as a sister. (ignore tent talk that says ABC doesn't cut anyone, they invite everyone back. That is not true)
3) All the things you want -- sisterhood, leadership opportunities, networking, philanthropic and service opportunities -- are available in all groups. You'll get back what you put in.

To echo KDCAT -- don't judge the group by how you feel at a bid day party. It's a party, not real life. Give yourself time to meet more girls in the group -- actives and new members-- before you make your decision. There will be other new members who aren't sure they made the right decision in all groups -- even the "top" ones. There is a great thread here about not getting your first choice, you need to read it http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=121412

Strong work - you are beginning to see through the fog of disappointment that was clouding your judgment. Look beyond today and this week and focus on the future.

In keeping with the romance analogy, when my daughter was in this position a couple of weeks ago, I asked her if she wanted to be a bride and have one magical big day by getting a bid from her "favorite" or if she wanted to be married and have a lifetime Greek relationship. If she really wanted to be "married" she needed to shake off her disappointment and remind herself that THEY chose HER.

Step back, take some deep breaths and flip a few pages on your mental calendar. Look a little farther into your own future and I think you will be happy with the choices that you have.

PS - My daughter is totally smitten with the chapter that she almost passed on....

I actually have taken into account to what everyone has said. But thank you I will look at that.

Thank you so much, that was encouraging!

Is the new sorority colonizing this fall or next fall?

If it's this fall, and you think it might be an option for you go to the pref party for the chapter you have left. If you don't want to be a member of that chapter, don't sign your pref card.

It is next fall.

My suggestion would be to take your bid and work your butt off through the entire new member period. Go to everything you can and get to know as many people in your NM class and your chapter as you can. Stick with it through the entire NM period. Try looking at all of the good things that you can think of about the chapter.

BTW, I never "clicked" with my whole chapter. I did "click" with individual women. I'm a socially awkward penquin and an introvert. I don't walk into groups and just feel like I'm home. I have to work at it. If you haven't had that experience, working at it might feel strange to you. I have found, though, that if you show up consistently, work on group projects consistently, and try to be a positive member of the group, you will find your way "home." Sometimes I've been "home," before I even knew I was "home."

You should also know that every chapter for every sorority is different. If you are looking at a lifetime membership experience, you will find lots of different women as an alumnae. I recently joined a CAB for a new chapter of KD -- the CAB is made up of alums from different chapters. Most of us are local, but we're still really different. The engineers and science majors from MST (me!) are very "laid back in Levis." The alums from SLU seem like very young executive types. The alums from Mizzou are pretty fabulous -one is a fashion designer and one is in TV as an editor. All very different but all very cool women who it is my privilege to work with. Am I a little more comfortable with the MST alums? Yeah. We have a little more in common. We "click." I really enjoy knowing all of the women from all of the groups, though. It's a privilege.

Ah, OK. So this gives you more time to make a decision. That's a good thing.

Go to pref, try to enjoy it. Others are right - this may be your only opportunity. You can't really bank on something that might be happening a year from now.

Also, you never know. Sometimes colonizations don't happen. This is rare but it does occur. So unless you have a deep personal connection to the sorority scheduled to colonize (i.e. you're a sextuple legacy or something) and that is the only group you would ever want, I would not even factor that into consideration. It's a YEAR away.

Go to pref at the sorority that invited you and pretend it is the ONLY sorority on campus. If you still can't feel comfy there even in that mindset, don't sign your bid card. But know that if you do that there's a big chance you won't be Greek at all, ever.

Right.

Definitely go to pref you might be surprised. I also went to a large SEC school and I was cut by all of my "top" houses and reluctantly went to the three houses that had invited me back. Only one of the three I "thought" I could see myself in / quasi wanted.... imagine my shock (and delight) when one house that really had not even been on my radar completely moved me to tears on pref night. I had not clicked with any of the girls that had rushed me there, even the girl who prefed me I would be hard pressed to say we had something in common, but sitting there at pref night the house's sisterhood shone through- couple that along with the fact that almost 90% of the chapter personally came up to me and greeted me by name and seemed to not only really like me but genuinely were happy to see me and wanted me there, left me wondering how in the heck I could have overlooked them, and left me wondering how in the heck I ever thought I could have pledged anywhere else.... sometimes pref is a "game changer". Oh and while I never did "click" with a good number of the then actives, my pledge class was BEYOND AWESOME as were girls that I had never even met during rush... dynamics change, pledge classes vary, seniors graduate, new girls pledge, etc... its all a circle... there will always be girls you don't particularly love in ANY house and there will always be girls that will be your closest friends. give it a chance, you might be surprised.

Just have to put it out there that if this is Tennessee you will have a VERY difficult time as a Junior. Your chances decrease significantly past your soph. year. And ALL the chapters at UT are great in different ways. I'd feel lucky to get a bid from any of them.

Best wishes on whatever you decide. Let us know how it works out. Hopefully you will possibly be moving ahead today as I think I know the school. You never know until you try and the advice you have been given here is very sound and reflects the reality of sorority life away from all the craziness of recruitment.

It isn't UT. ;) Somewhat close though state-wise!

Would love to know which SEC school you think I go to! You can just msg me! I did go to bid day and I am giving them a chance for right now. So far I really haven't felt like I fit in, but then again that was only one day. If it doesn't work out, i'm re-rushing next year (I guess :( )

I hope you stick it out. I know you're in a chapter who wants you, and you have the opportunity to make an impact on that chapter's history. I imagine you have a very large new member class, too, and if you just look - you'll find your place.

We are more alike than we are different.

When in doubt, talk to your New Member Educator, too. She is already invested in you, and wants you to find your place.

While you may think three or four years is forever, trust me - it is not. Your membership is for a lifetime. If I hadn't stayed the course, I'd have missed out on so much over the years. DoctorD is completely right: we are more alike than we are different. And you're getting great advice from so many women in this thread; I hope you take it to heart.

You have the opportunity to make lifelong friends and to connect with women of all ages, not merely in your college years, but as long as you live. I regret the things I didn't do in my life far more than those that I did do (with the exception of buying one particular car, because I liked how it looked. That was a Big Mistake. Huge.)

Just realize that Mississippi is one of the worst places for tent talk. Just give it a little time (more than a week.) You can't pledge anywhere else for a year so there is no where else to go. If you really don't like the group, don't get initiated...but give yourself the chance.

I don't live in Mississippi. I am definitely giving it more than a week and giving myself a chance.

Good. Well, there is only one other SEC school with a colonization next year. I won't say which. Lovely place. Making relationships takes time. Recruitment has a way of bruising your ego, but it also doesn't give you a chance to really get to know the chapter in a normal situation. Put yourself out there and meet as many of the sisters and new members as you can. These chapters are huge. Chances are you will fit in better than you think you will once your hurt feelings are smoothed over.

If my Debbie knew I was in here talking about her she'd give me even more attitude than she already does. That said.... here goes my two cents:

1. My Debbie was devastated to get her #2 pick. She grudgingly went to Bid Day and new member events the first day. She was not feeling it at all.

2. Two weeks later and she still wasn't really feeling it. It was the dreaded "ok" which we all know for an 18 year old ranges from good to awful.

3. A month later it was better, not great but better. She was involved in activities with her house BUT she put herself out there. She did every NM event they had and slowly started meeting more girls in her PC and outside of her PC. She slowly started feeling her way.

4. She went through initiation and while she still had some lingering doubts she decided the positives outweighed any doubts she had. She said something she heard during initiation clicked with her and it was a small turning point. She still wasn't head over heels in love but the tide was turning and she was committed to her house.

5. Over the next months her doubts started to fade and her relationships grew stronger. When asked it was still "ok" but leaning more toward the good ok then the awful ok.

6. Move ahead to work week and recruitment and she loves these girls and is very excited about the pledge class and the future. I don't know exactly how this transformation happened but it did. It wasn't overnight and it took time. As KDCat said, I think Debbie was home before she knew it.

Everybody is different in a relationship and don't be fooled into thinking this isn't a relationship. To paraphrase, "what you put into it is what you get out of it". I don't think Debbie considered dropping out but I do know she was frustrated at times. I think that's normal. Part of growing up is learning how to adjust to new situations and new relationships and this is a learning experience. Some girls will have that magical recruitment and fall in love with their house immediately. Bless those lucky girls. Please don't use that as a measuring tool and feel that your experience is bad because it doesn't match that. Every experience is going to be different.

A bunch of strangers on a forum can't tell you how to feel or what do do but we can share with you our experiences or the experiences of those close to us. What you're feeling isn't unusual or unique but it still hurts and is confusing. Give it a chance, one week, one month at a time and see where you are in the process. I wish you nothing but the best.

^^^Wonderful post.

Even women who DO get their first choice will occasionally have times (especially the first year) when they have "buyer's remorse." It's absolutely normal. Nothing is 100% wonderful all the time. You HAVE to put yourself out there. I realize that if you're coming from a HS setting where you've lived your whole life and known everything about everyone forever that's very hard to do, but you have to learn how to do it in life sooner or later.

I sent you a PM

I wonder what happened to this woman?

And Debbie

What happened?
 

Thinking the same thing!