Deflecting an inappropriate questions
 

I was talking with a PNM and the question came up as to the most appropriate and gracious way to deflect an inappropriate question, such as "What other pref. parties will you be attending?" What say you?

I guess it all depends on how good of a talker you are. For the PNM with the gift of gab, she could just pull a Miss America and talk around the question without answering the question, ie. "Oh, I have just had such a wonderful time at Preference. It'll be so hard to make up my mind what to do. The girls at the other houses have been so nice but I'm not quite sure they are the right match for me. I really like this chapter, and I can't wait to see what the ceremony is like because I know it will show me that THIS is the house for me!" Not many people will have the nerve to bluntly counter with, "But where else are you going to Pref?"

I think there's some advice on handling this in the Rush Right book. I'm not sure if my daughter brought her copy home from college, but I'll ask her.

AOII Angel, that is a good suggestion.

Thanks sciencewoman-hopefully daughter did bring her book home.

When the PNM broached the question with me, my mind went blank, so I told her I would turn to my panhellenic GC sisters for advice.

I'm not so sure that it's an inappropriate question. Maybe that isn't the best way to phrase an attempt to find out but trying is certainly a valid exercise.

It doesn't seem very sporting to me...the poor PNMs are nervous enough as it is. In fact I think it is kind of tacky. Maybe the PNM should simply counter with "Why?"

(I was kidding PNMs, please don't do this!!!)

Back in the olden days when I went through rush I had no idea there were inappropriate questions. No one in my family had been Greek while in school and neither had my friends, so I went into rush blind. I had no intentions of pledging-- only went through rush to move out of the house a week early since my mother and I were at each others throats.

I had been told by my mother who is a believer in all things rumored that I would not be able to pledge since there were no Jewish based houses on my campus at the time and no other house would take a Jewish girl. Since I had no intentions of pledging, I went into rush with a large Jewish star-- makes it easy to find an excuse to drop me.

Arrived at one of the houses for first day parties. This was about my 6th house of the day. Rusher and I took an instant dislike to each other for some unknown reason. While sitting there with "Miss Sorority, I am so fantastic", she asked me what "my daddy did for a living." I looked around the room and based on looks, stereotyped that every girl in that room was the daughter of a bank president, a doctor or a lawyer. I thought about my answer and decided that my non-bank president, doctor, lawyer dad needed to be something very special so I replied, "oh, he's the chief garbage collector for our town." Imagine her mouth falling to a non-existent basement. Then she looked at my star and said, "Ohhhhh, you're Jewish." The reply came back, "No, I'm Buddhist."

Guess which house never invited me back.

BTW, I only decided to stay in rush until the first house I went to decided to drop me. Imagine my surprise a zillion years later and I have still not been dropped by them.

DaffyKD

That is freakin hilarious! Chief garbage collector. LOL.

I think a good way to deflect that question would be to respond with, "I love ABC and I'm thrilled to be at preference here today. I'd so much rather talk with you about YOUR sorority and your experiences. What has been your favorite sisterhood memory?" with a big smile and leaning forward to show interest.

I was asked this question and definitely didn't answer it well. Looking back saying something like "I have/had a few (another) party later/earlier but I'm really excited to be back at ABC. I have really enjoyed my week here." Then lead into something like "I love the sisterhood y'all show" "I'm glad academics is so important to you" "Your philanthropy is so important and I love your fundraising activity"
another way to go is to say "Pref is such an important night and I'm so glad to be back here. I'm really excited to see the ceremony/I loved the ceremony. What was your favorite part of recruitment?"

Sister, I love you. Glad you stuck through it.

When I went thru recruitment - back in the Dark Ages - every group got a list of where each woman was going so we never had to ask. I've been at other chapters since where PH provided that information or everyone could get it if they wanted. So the idea that this isn't common information now is odd to me. But seriously, we've always instructed our members to try to find what the other house might be - but not to be so blatant as to directly ask it.

During Formal, I was asked how much my father made. (I thought that was incredibly tacky.) My response was "Enough to pay for college and sorority membership." (I did not go back to that house.)

At another chapter, a woman in my Rushee group & I were seated at a table for 4. Two members sat down to talk to us -- except they turned their backs on me and only talked to her! Then 2 more members surrounded the other Rushee (as you can tell from the term, it was a while ago) and "hot boxed" her. ("Hot Box" was a term used were several members concentrate on a PNM -- either to make her feel like she's #1 or to feel pressure to take a bid.) Didn't work out -- the other PNM became my sorority sister & it was my aunt's soroity & she was so mad at them. That didn't make me a legacy, but my aunt was the H.S. teacher of several of the members in that chapter ... many who had asked her to write their rec!)

Wasn't too upset -- I already knew where my home was. Maybe they saw that too. Bygones.

DaffyKD and ChiOLu, your stories are hilarious!

I'm really of two minds about this. I think if you are very confident, go ahead and say. If you're a conversational pro, do the dance as mentioned above. And if you are neither confident nor a conversational pro, PREPARE. This is a question, in more or less oblique terms, that you are almost guaranteed to be asked.
If you get asked a truly offensive question like how much does your dad make, I'd feel free to answer it's none of their business, or any of those mentioned above. But most inappropriate questions are snuck in so you don't realize it until later. I'm sure I talked way more than I should have about my Dad the photographer. I didn't think much of it because he's a larger than life character so people have asked about him my entire life. But in retrospect I realize I was being asked what my dad does for a living a lot. Also, in retrospect, if I'd realized that, I would have made him seem more financially successful than he actually was ;)

Is there a good reason not to just answer the question?

When I was on the active side, I was curious, but I didn't really care. That information would not have been in any way useful to me. In fact, we knew who we most often competed with, and could usually infer what the answers would be.

There are a few reasons not to answer. If they know you are a legacy to that chapter they might assume you would prefer that legacy and not put you up as high on their bid list. If it is someone they usually do not compete with or if it is a chapter in a "higher tier "and you do not seem as enthusiastic or emotional as everyone else they might be inclined to think you are not as interested. If you are only preffing one chapter they might be concerned as well.

We coach our girls not to ask this question. It can lead to tears if they are a legacy but are seriously considering us. You want a pnm to be thinking about how great it would be to wear your letters and share your sisterhood. The last thing you want is to say something about "us vs. them"? That's not very Panhellenic.

A good, short answer could be "I am really so torn. I love all three choices. So tell me what made you choose XYZ?"

If could also mean what place the PNM is placed on the bid list. If the chapter knows they are her only choice, they might place her low because they think she is a shoe in. Same thing could happen if the PNM's other choices were chapters that were not as "popular" with the PNMs.

Let's turn the question around: Why would a chapter ask (or care for that matter) which other chapters a PNM was visiting for prefs.?

My best friend preffed two chapters, ABC and DEF. She was a legacy to ABC. When DEF found out that she was preffing ABC as well, they moved her down lower on their bid list even though she ranked DEF first and ABC second because they supposedly wanted to honor the fact that she was an ABC legacy, so she received a bid to ABC on Bid Day. I don't know exactly how true this story is, but she was obliquely told it by a member of DEF who's also a friend of both of us, so it could be true.

On the subject of awkward questions-what should I say when I'm asked what chapter I'm a legacy to? I know I'll be asked whether anyone in my family is Greek, and I don't want to lie and say no one is or that the chapter isn't on campus when it is, but I don't want to be cut just because other chapters assume I'll only want my legacy chapter when that isn't true.

My mom and I can't think of a good way to deflect that question without sounding evasive-any ideas?

If you don't list it, you won't necessarily be asked this question. Not every person that goes through recruitment is asked if she is a legacy.

Yes, you could just divulge that info. to your legacy chapter via a rec. and/or legacy intro. form. Of course, that would require either not telling alumnae writing recs. to other chapters for you that you are an ABD legacy, or asking them not to list it on your rec.

Which would be like asking the sun not to shine...:D

ETA: if you list them, they will know anyway, so just be honest and say you are being open minded and looking for the group for you not the group that was right for you mom, grandma, sister, etc.

What? What could that possibly accomplish?

I really like this way of saying it! I literally do not know a single girl in this chapter, so since there's no way to know if the chapter is right for me (and even if it is, I might not be right for them). I know that the aforementioned best friend got cut by several groups that compete for similar girls when she told them what chapter she was a legacy to, so I'll really try to emphasize that what was right for my mom at her campus might not be right for me at mine and that I want to look at all chapters instead of just one.

My mom was convinced that her filling out the rec would mean that every chapter would somehow know what chapter I was a legacy to, so she was going to have one of her chapter sisters fill it out for me. It took a little convincing on my part to have her realize that a rec for one group won't go out to every other one :)

With RFM, if she has only one opportunity, she will most likely get them. So, they would place her further down in order to try and snag someone who might have more options. They might be that person's second choice but the way the system works, she may end up with them if she is further down the other group's list. Make sense?

In answering why a chapter would want to know:
As we (ok, most of us) all know, every girl who attends preference parties is going on your bid list. Presuming a quota of 30 here, that first bid list (the initial 30 girls) is alphabetical and the rest of the girls are in preference order. Whether you place a girl as number 31 out of 30 and get her or use up that critical space for a girl you don't get can be a very big deal. And the first 30 are even more important. If you are pretty confident you're not getting a girl (but she still goes on the bid list somewhere) you're not going to use a critical space high on the list for her. Of course, your own chapter opinion counts for a lot, but when it comes to list-building time, it's a numbers/sleuthing/prognostication game. Presumably by the time you get to inviting a girl to preference, you've already decided she's a keeper. The only variable left is finding the right match of putting the girls you absolutely want first, then the girls you want who you think want you the most, then the girls you hope want you the most, then the girls who either are the bottom of your pref list or the ones who you think have you on the bottom of their pref list.

I've seen it happen where girls pref a less desirable chapter because of their location. For instance girl is a legacy to the it girl chapter and knows she's in from day one (in the case I know, the girl's sister was 1 year older than her and both girls had excellent credentials). She kept LDC all the way through because they were geographically close to her chapter and to the dorms. If LDC hadn't known this, they might have been stoked about having excellent credentials girl interested in them and put her high on the list. This is an extreme case, but trying to suss out her actual motivation can be very helpful.

A chapter member may just ask because they are curious about who the main competition is. An inexperienced or unprepared preffer may just be trying to make conversation.

The problem is that it is tempting for the preffer to try to compare your chapter to "the-other-guy" chapter which might lead one to saying something snarky or negative about the other group when you should be focusing on highlighting the strengths of your chapter. (translation: It doesn't make your group look better - it makes sorority women look catty.)

Oh, right, you could try to grab someone as a QA if she admitted that was her only pref. Oy. If this happens in practice, I am astonished. This is dirty.

I don't know that it's dirty but it sure is working the system

My understanding is that RFM specialist give special attention to women who only attended Preference Party at one house, but that might not be founded on anything.

My rush was 25 years ago so it's been awhile, but they knew where I was going.
Only 1 house mentioned it, but it was my 2nd party and I may of looked a little teary
because my rusher mentioned that ABC house makes everyone cry. I was surprised she said it and she actually said it with some eye-rolling attitude. I knew this girl before recruitment so maybe she felt way too comfortable. I pledged the ABC house and everytime I saw the girl from the 2nd house she was a little short with me. My 1st and 3rd house didn't say a word though, but the girl who preffed me at ABC ended up being my pledge mom and she knew exactly where I was going. I had an idea of what houses the girls I preffed were going, but we went to 3 so it was more like you knew 1 and were guessing the 2nd. I NEVER asked, and 2 times the girls I was preffing did mention where she had just come from and I always complimented the house and redirected the question.

I agree that plenty of sisters will ask out of pure curiosity or chit-chat, without any planning or intention behind it. Chapters are intensely curious with who they are competing with, and this question can sometimes serve as a thermometer more than anything else.

BUT, to add a little caution: the answer to this question can sometimes nudge a preffer's opinion of a PNM if it's lukewarm to begin with, especially if you're preffing at chapters that don't typically compete against one another. Each chapter could be thinking "Huh - what did we miss about this girl?" and it could be either good or bad.

This is a question you'll sometimes get in job interviews, and it serves a similar purpose - to gauge what your other options are, and who else has deemed you hire-worthy. I personally think it's better to be honest with where you're preffing, emphasize or spin that you're preffing with the chapters you love the most and why, and turn the focus to why and how much you love the chapter you're with at that particular moment.

These are skills you will need throughout your life. Learn them now.