My boyfriend joined a frat and has become so mean; help!!!
 

Okay so my boyfriend, (ex boyfriend right now but we are working on that) just joined a fraternity a couple of months ago. I told him to do it, that it would be a lot of fun but honestly it has been nothing but hell for us. I have been in my sorority since we first started dating (we have been together for a year and half) and he used to be so insecure about me going to socials and parties without him so I wouldn't. We spent all of our time together and were so happy, he was the best boyfriend I have ever had and has treated me like a princess from day one. Well once he joined this frat, he has completely changed. He wants to party all the time, he started smoking cigs, and he has gotten fired from his job because he wanted to hang out with his bros and forgot he had work. On top of that, he recently dumped me because he just feels like he wants to be independent for awhile and doesn't want to have to check in with me all the time but he says he has every intention of us being together again. He dumped me right before his formal but still wanted me to go because he "couldn't imagine taking another girl" but he treated me terribly while we were there. Whenever I would walk into a room he was in, he would tell me to stop babysitting him and leave the room. I would simply walk into the room and he would that... It got so bad that I literally packed my stuff and left. The next day he apologized and said he just drank too much and he knows he messed up and blah blah blah. I am just so confused. I don't know what's going on. This guy is literally my best friend, he knows everything about me and I know everything about him; we spent every day together and were ALWAYS happy. He talked about the future and getting married and I never imagined us ever breaking up (he said he never would break up with me). Why did he just dump me out of nowhere then? I am so confused and beyond stressed about this entire situation, I just don't know what to do. Is this just something he is going through that will end soon? His personality did a complete 180. oh and he rushed as a junior and he is pre-med but his grades are no longer reflecting that but he says he cares more about having fun then schoolwork and grades! and he promised me that if this fraternity was affecting our relationship then he would drop. When I asked him if he remembered that promise, he said "Yeah but you've broken promises before. I'm not dropping." What is going on?? :(

Sounds like he's in a "bros before hoes" mentality right now. It's sad that he's also putting work and school behind his fraternity, but that's the choice he's made.

I understand he's your "best friend" and all that, and he promised to never break up with you or let anything affect your relationship (which is a bullshit promise, btw.. and I imagine you're smart enough to know that), but he did break up with you.

So my advice is to move on. Plain and simple. It may not seem easy, but he gave you a pretty obvious signal by telling you he doesn't want to be with you.

He's not your boyfriend anymore. He broke up with. I'm sorry this happened. People change a lot during college. I wish you the best; obviously you deserve better than being treated this way.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but Good Lord, girl.. have some R-E-S-P-E-C-T for yourself (please read that with Aretha's voice singing in your head :) )

I know you are young & I am really old, but trust me... being together for 1 1/2 years is a SECOND in your lifetime. Move on. There really are better men out there. This one is not finished cooking.

I mean he said he wanted space but then said he wants us to date again, he doesn't want to do anything with anyone else and he expects the same from me.
Yes when it comes down to it, I know I need to move on, I just thought that maybe this relationship was worth saving. He really was an amazing guy, he has just lost himself and I don't know if he will be back to the way he was ever again.

Thank you for the advice

Maybe I shouldn't have labeled this as my bf joined a frat. I just felt like 'ex' sounded like we haven't been together for awhile and he literally just broke up with me.

Have you ever seen the episode of how I met your mother other is about being on a hook? Seriously though let him go and find someone who won't drop everything just to fit in.

Dump his ass. He already dumped you? Well, you need to mentally dump him. He might get his life together in 5 or 10 years or never, but who has the time? There are plenty of guys out there who will treat you like you deserve to be treated and the longer you let him take up space in your head he's going to diminish your personality and self-confidence. I bet with a little time (and help from your sisters, by the way) you'll wonder why you even thought you were friends.

Preach! This! All of this!

Buy the book 'He's Just Not that into You.' Seriously.. it will change your life.

You're so young. And trying to rationalize his irrational behavior will only drive you crazy. There are so many fish in the sea. Go find yourself a rod and reel double quick.

Thank yall so much for the feedback; I feel stupid for ever letting him hurt me like this!

ouch. kinda hurts to be labeled as that...

It's okay; we've all been there.

I would say DTMFA, but he's already broken up with you. Take him at his word and do not expect him to come back.

If I have learned anything in my life, it's to believe people when they show you who they are. He's showing you that he doesn't want to be with you. Do you really want to be waiting around for someone who is trying -- half-heartedly at that -- to keep you as his backup? I don't know about you, but I was not put on this planet to be anyone's second choice.

Sometimes it's hard to accept, but this relationship has changed and no longer fits your needs. Wishing for what you used to have (pre-fraternity) isn't productive. Unfortunately, it sounds like his priorities have changed, and you are no longer one of them. It sucks, but better to find out sooner rather than later.

Go find someone who will *continue* to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, not someone who just used to do so.

No, we're not labeling you that, just warning you that's how you might appear to others if you don't watch out. You don't want to be THAT girl which everyone uses as a cautionary tale. Sending you our Panellenicc advice and love!

I know it's hurtful and confusing when someone turns a personality/behavior flip, but you need to take care not to dwell on the guy he was instead of the one he has become. Clearly, the new him is unacceptable to you or you wouldn't be reaching out for advice and insight.

I also know that letting go can be hard when what you used to have was good. Just because someone has changed towards you does not mean you can automatically shut your feelings off like a faucet. But -- if you continue interacting with this guy and hoping he will switch back to Mr. Nice, your self-esteem and self-respect could take a major hit. His hot/cold behavior will drive you crazy, distract you and steal your peace of mind. Don't allow this jerk to have such power in your life.

Best friend? No, best friends don't treat you this way. He doesn't want to date you right now, but doesn't want you to see others while you wait for him to get over this desire to be independent? Wow, what convenient, self-serving terms he wants you to accept. Never agree to them, and the next time he wants you to attend this or that or whatever, tell him you enjoy smart, sexy men-- not silly middle school boys. Wish him well and walk away with your head held high like a confident woman who knows what she wants -- and what she doesn't want, which is him in the form of the loser-jerk he has become.

Don't cast your pearls before swine, darlin'. You are worth so much more...guys like this can cause you not to believe that about yourself, though. Refuse him that opportunity by moving on. It may not be easy at first -- one day at a time -- but you will get there and you just don't know who might come around the corner three months from now. Don't miss seeing a prince because you still have eyes for a jester who is too blind to recognize and appreciate a great thing when she's standing right in front of him.

Take care of yourself. You'll be fine, you really will. :)

Didn't like you going to socials and swaps.....spent all your time with each other.....doesn't want to be your boyfriend, but wants you to wait for him and not date other guys.....

He sounds like he is trying to control you. Don't let him!

Turn to your sisters and your sorority. They may be a little hesitant at first(because it sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend was a higher priority than your sorority) so cut your sisters some slack. Volunteer to be on a committee. Help plan a sisterhood event. Look at it this way.....if you put into your sorority the time and effort you devoted to your boyfriend, WOW! You are going to have one heck of a sorority experience...and it's not too late. Be strong. We are pulling for you!

Oh, Heavens To Mergetroid!! Sorry, but I just find it amusing that this is something so horrid that she has to mention it.

As for the rest of it, this sounds like an a-hole boy spin on "it isn't something you become, it's something you've always been." He probably wanted to break up with you before but didn't feel strong enough to do it. Now that he has a support system, he can. Just let him go and hang on to your pride. Don't make it rougher for him or for you.

May I edit this to say "...do not ALLOW him to come back." It is like taking that sour milk out of the fridge, hoping that it tastes good again.

We know how this feels... I bet most of us have been through it. Turn to your sisters for your next pep talk, when Loser Boy gets lonely and tries to turn you into his "late date."

Sweetie, you are too good for him. Someone who embraces every bad stereotype of fraternity life PLUS wants to control you? No thank you!

Be happy that he's not your boyfriend any longer and cut all ties with him. It'll be hard at first, but I think you'll be happy to be rid of him :)

If this were YA lit, I'd say he was turning into a vamp/werewolf/whatever's hot right now and he's going through his moody "I'm staying away for her own good phase".

But it's not. It's real life, and you can't play the stupid girl that makes all the wrong choices, yet everyone loves her and she wins at life in the end. You need to make smart choices for yourself, and take to heart what the women here have been saying.

And I obviously need to quit reading so much YA lit. After I finish this book.... ;)

I'm going to cross-stitch this and hang it on the wall. Kudos, thetalady!

Amen!

This is what you have your sorority sisters for, support!

I've heard that all women want at the end of a relationship is closure and all men want is NOT closure. If you understand this "men are from mars" difference, it will explain a lot and help you to move on. He needs to know he has a back up. You need to know it either is or is not on. It's not on. Have a ceremonial burning of his stuff, removal from the phone, deletion of friend from Facebook, all surrounded by good friends and sisters, and they'll be there to help when you want to back-slide.

Oh Lord, this hits home.

My HS boyfriend broke up with me right before college. He initiated it, thought it was for the best since we were going to different schools. So we broke up, but he continued to text/call, etc.

Come Thanksgiving he wants me back. Well...by then I had met my now husband. He knew this new guy was in my life and starting pitching fits that I shouldn't date him because I met him so quickly, and didn't give him (the ex) a second chance.

Long story short...after a painful (emotionally), dramatic freshman year full of arguments, control and intimidation, I FINALLY worked up the nerve to tell him I was going to be with my new boyfriend--he would have to accept that.

He bitched me out and stopped talking to me for months, but facing that conflict was worth very much worth it. I don't know why I let him dictate my life for so long.

This guy has absolutely no right to have a say in what you do from here on out (not that he should have been controlling your choices when you were together, either). He broke up with you. You are (and never were) his property. It is too damn bad he can't make up his mind, but he officially ended it and he now must live with that choice.

Move on. It will be very hard but you will be better off.

oh dear.
look, this is a good thing that happened to you. You never want to be in a relationship where you spend all your time together and put each other above all else (for the record, your boyfriend shouldn't be your best friend. Your best friend helps you deal with your boyfriend.) Space in a relationship is important. Having a life outside of the boyfriend is important. Use this time to develop a self so you never lose yourself in a relationship again.

I just reread the OP. I'm concerned that some of your behavior, i.e., being exposed to abusive behavior and wanting to come back for more could lead to some very negative relationships in the future. I'm an attorney who often represents folks in domestic violence situations, so I'm somewhat familiar with the characteristics of women who might someday be victims of domestic violence and involved in a cycle of abuse. It may sound like I'm making mountains out of molehills, and maybe I'm off the mark, but consider this.

In addition to what the other posters are saying re: cutting the cord, I would also recommend some counseling for victims of domestic violence. The YWCA (probably in your area) should offer something like a 16-week course on this subject, or you might have something available through your university. You need to be able to recognize the warning signs of abuse and not fall into the cycle many folks find themselves in.

That was my first thought too when I ready this post! I LOVE that book--it should be required reading in high school. I wish it would have been around when I was in college.

Think of this as a time to get more involved in your Sorority. Throw yourself into sorority life. If you've spent most of your time with you ex, you probably didn't spend that much time with your sisters. Now is your opportunity to make closer sorority friends.

To be fair, I think every girl has experienced this at some point. Being young and in love is hard, and many times, we don't realize that the great, warm, fuzzy feelings that we once got with our boyfriend could potentially be shared with someone else. We want to think that he can change.. and that it's just a phase.. and that we can fix him. Eventually you move on and come to understand that there are better guys out there and that it's worth it to start over with someone else.

Of course, some women don't come to those same conclusions, however, I wouldn't peg the OP as being one of them based simply on what she's posted... as a young woman who desperately wants things to work out with this guy when most likely they won't.

Again, I'm sure we've all been there, done that.

And I'm only used to dealing with the aftermath of things gone horribly wrong, so I'm probably a bit quick to diagnose.

Understandable.