Is it normal to regret which sorority you joined?
 

Now, I have nothing against my sorority on a national level... Our values are great and all, but the local chapter I am a part of is absolutely horrendous. It is the most abysmal excuse for a sisterhood I have ever seen. I have gone through some of the most difficult times of my life in the past six months, but no one has been there for me except for my roommate (who is in the same sorority). At the beginning of the school year, I put myself out there and tried to make new friends. But after an incident at home mid-fall, people weren't talking to me anymore. Nobody bothered to even text or call to ask how I was holding up.

It only got worse from there. I began struggling with depression, anorexia, and self-harm, but nobody noticed nor cared when I tried to bring up how down I had been. I thought sisters were supposed to be there for each other?

About mid-January, I realized I was pregnant, and told my roommate (and obviously my boyfriend). I had a feeling not to tell anyone else - I had a feeling something bad would happen. About a month later, I miscarried, and locked myself up in my room and cried for days. When I went to work, my coworkers were more concerned about me than my own sisters.

My roommate and I have talked about it so much - the sisterhood in our chapter is so miserable that it's actually pushed me to transfer schools. I'm so lonely, even though I live with 11 "sisters." At this rate, I'll honestly be surprised if the chapter makes it another two years. There are cliques, and everyone gossips about each other. We have had chapter discussions about the differences between gossiping about sisters and venting about sisters - and it's always pure, shallow gossip. I can't have a serious conversation with anyone except my roommate.

All I want is that bond of sisterhood. I want to have friendships like the ones I see of my friends in other sororities, and it makes me wish I had joined a different sorority. It makes me wish I had never been initiated into my sorority so when I transfer I could try a different sorority.

I just needed to get everything off of my chest, and I apologize for the long post.

Am I just overreacting? Is any of this my fault? Or did I just join the most screwed up "sisterhood" on the face of the earth?

It sounds like you would benefit from making an appointment with a councilor at your school's heath center. Even the BEST sisterhoods aren't trained to help/support some of the major issues you are facing.

You said that you kinda stopped "putting yourself out there" -- you can't really expect sisters to swarm to embrase you if you have withdrawn so much. Many sisters will just not quite know how to handle so many deep problems. A councilor will be able to help much more.

Good luck and I hope you seek the help you need to get back on the right track health wise.

I agree with White Daisy. It would also help if you stopped playing the "what if" game. The fact is that you DIDN'T join another sorority, and you cannot join another NPC. EVER. Under any circumstances. So there is no use crying over it. You should be trying your best to deal with the situation at hand. Are all sisterhoods roses? NO. Every sisterhood has it's issues. Even the ones you are admiring have stuff going on and issues to resolve. Looking at your sisterhood from a negative point of view and using words like "most screwed up sisterhood on the face of the earth" is just making the problem worse. I'm truly sorry about your miscarriage, but you've got to pick up the pieces and see your own behavior has not helped the situation. YOU pulled away from the sisterhood. If you haven't even tried to talk to your sisters about the situation, how can they help? Go get a counselor and try some therapy. Your sisters are NOT therapists, and it sounds like that is what you need.

Yes, please, for the sake of your present and future emotional/mental health, get some professional help as soon as you can.

Everyone experiences buyers' remorse at some point in her collegiate membership. It can happen frequently throughout your membership, regardless of whether you received your first choice or tenth choice sorority. Women will say, "I love what the organization stands for, I just don't know about my chapter and I feel like I don't fit in." Also, as they get closer to graduation, they will say, "This is not the chapter I joined." All are perfectly normal because sororities are composed of people. We don't always get along with everyone, and we don't always take the time to cultivate relationships.

Being part of a sorority does not mean you suddenly have 50+ BFFs. Friendships take time and effort to cultivate. Even then, friendships can go through ups and downs, like any other relationships.

Being part of a sorority means you have joined a service and social organization. It gives you opportunities to serve your community, to meet new people, to develop leadership skills, and the opportunity to make friends. You get out what you put into it, and if you aren't putting yourself out there and cultivating friendships, then people are not going to be concerned when you're not coming around, for whatever the reason. Because the word "sister" is misleading in some respects. The members will be there for you, but you have to also be there for them and put yourself out there in return.

I wish you the best. It sounds like you have had some difficult experiences lately, and you might want to take this time to let your sisters in on what has been happening with you, as well as taking the advice given here to seek counseling. Best of luck.

You're telling a very one-sided tale. You've also talked about your other issues before, most of which are not things that 18-21 year old girls are equipped to handle or counsel you on, especially if you've cut yourself off from them so much that they barely know you. I suggest you stop trashing your sorority. It will not empower you in the least. The counselor that you're seeing should have the brains to tell you that. If not, get a new one.

Honestly, even if you were free to join another group when you transferred, I would advise you against it. It sounds like your fiance sucks up half of your non-school time and the various unfortunate things that you're dealing with suck up the other half.

Very good advice here. If you're withdrawn due to depression and other mental health issues, it would be a rare, exceptional sister who would be equipped to even recognize what you're going through. While they may not have been much of a help, which is at least partially not true, because it seems you have a very close friend in your roommate, you really can't blame them.

As for gossip, etc., it doesn't sound like you personally have the desire in the next 8 weeks or so to do anything to change the culture of your chapter. That's a cultural issue best addressed with the support of your alumnae advisers who more than likely have been there/done that.

It sounds like the best thing to do right now is to focus on getting things right with yourself. Stop blaming other people, be responsible for you. Definitely continue in counseling. You also might what to get evaluated by a psychiatrist just to make sure there aren't any imbalance sort of issues.

I'm confused. You are transferring to get away from your sorority? You can drop out of your sorority, you know. It's a lot less time-consuming and expensive than transferring schools.

I read your last thread. Is this boyfriend also the same as your fiance?

Honestly, I do think the issues reside with you. You have a lot going on, you've closed yourself off from your friends (per your last thread), and you seem to have trouble holding conversations (re: "How was class?" "Good, thanks." "Ok, bye"), in addition to your medical and traumatic issues you previously discussed here and the other thread. There are always going to be issues in any chapter, but your misery seems to stem from a lot other things personal to you and you are upset with people who you admittedly aren't being friendly with because you've shut them out.

It sounds like sorority life is not really beneficial for you. Have you considered resigning your membership? Greek Life isn't for everyone, and it looks like you have a lot on your plate right now that you are not equipped to handle. I would try to eliminate the stressors in your life. If you aren't connecting with your sorority (and I really don't think you've tried, but on the other hand, you have a huge list of extenuating circumstances), I'd make this your last semester and cancel your membership.

Yes, yes, sorority membership is "for a lifetime," but it's a not necessarily a good fit for everyone. Most everyone, yes, but this seems an exception. Work on yourself.

1. Your sisters are young ladies who are the same age as you. College girls are maturing but may not have reached a maturity level to deal with major issues such as yours. I second/third/fourth the advise you were given to get some professional help. On top of your depression problems you had a miscarriage which not only messes with your hormones but is a traumatic assault on your body and psyche. See a doctor now!

2. You can drop your membership, but then you will miss out on the lifetime experiences of your sisterhood. I joined my sorority in the dark ages. I see very few of my sisters who were in the house at the time I was active, but I am very close with the sisters I have met through my alumnae association. We are older, wiser and grayer. We have learned to give support to our sisters who are dealing with cancer, life issues and in several cases death.

3. You and your roommate can sit down with a few sisters who you may feel comfortable talking with about your issues. Let them know how you are feeling and what is happening. They may be able to help the other members understand how you are feeling.

With all the advice given, I would place finding a great therapist and doctor as your number 1 priorities.

DaffyKD

This may sound really harsh, but it is nothing more than my flea-bitten opinion. I think that you should finish the semester, leave school & go back home for at LEAST a year. You have so much on your plate and I think you need a tremendous amount of emotional support & therapy.

Once you have a better handle on life and your physical & mental health improves, then you can make a decision about whether or not you want to return to this college or go to school closer to home. It really sounds to me like you have FAR too much going on right now to get much of anything out of school. Frankly, I don't think you should be engaged right now either, but you didn't ask us about that.

Leave with your sorority bill paid in full, so that you can either take alumna status or possibly rejoin your sorority if you return to campus. Leave yourself options. Again... this is nothing more than my opinion.

After reading this thread and then the one 33girl linked... I can empathize with your situation, and I am so sorry you're going through this. Major hugs to you. I was raped my first semester of college by a fellow freshman who also went Greek. I was dealing with many of the problems you were as well - self injury, depression, and PTSD. I wasn't fitting in with my sisters. You can read my thread where people gave lovely advice, even if some of it was harsh. I'll probably touch on topics in both of your threads (this and the one 33girl linked); hope that's okay with you.

Most young adults are not equipped to deal with these things. It doesn't mean they aren't well-meaning, they just don't know how to handle it. Rape, especially, comes with a huge stigma. I know that some sisters didn't believe me, and maybe some still don't, but I realize it's nobody's business but my own and who I chose to disclose it with. I'm not going to say that sisterhood isn't amazing and wonderful, and that sisters won't be there for you, but not everyone is going to be your best friend there. I started off by talking to sisters I felt cared more, and talking to them one on one to make connections.

It also takes time for serious friendships to develop. Those "serious conversations" don't happen just overnight, and with everyone. Again, start small, just one person.

If your sisterhood was aware there was an incident at home, it's possible they wanted to give you space and not bother you. Have you taken any initiative to text them or make plans yourself? I know you don't drink, but you absolutely DO NOT HAVE TO DRINK WHEN YOU GO OUT. You can go to a party without drinking and no one will care. You do not have to go to the fraternity that your rapist is in.

I know it's hard as a survivor to feel like you don't fit in with anyone around you, and to socialize with people. I know everyone suggested therapy, but it really sounds like you need something that isn't just "talking". I highly, highly recommend doing dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) which is essentially a set of skills - one of them is interpersonal effectiveness. As a trauma survivor, I can't rave enough about how much this helped me. If medication is an option, I'd suggest that as well. I'd bring up these things to your therapist, and if you need to, please switch. Trauma isn't something that's always super-easy to recover from and I know those lonely feelings absolutely suck.

If, like most other users say, a semester or year off seems like a good idea... do it. It may not be best for you, and it wasn't for me. Even just having the summer to myself helped a lot. You do need to do what is best for you. If you think that is becoming closer with your sisters, you will have to put effort and work into doing it. I'm not a natural extrovert by any means, but you learn. The internet is a fabulous tool to help find strategies to build that skill.

And... it does get better. I want you to know that. If you ever feel the need to chat or vent, please please PLEASE PM me. I really wish you luck in dealing with everything.

I was raped over Thanksgiving break during my senior year. It really messed me up. I had mental health needs that could not be me outside of a support group and medication. I developed PTSD, which still reoccurs.

This is not a problem that your sisters or friends or a college professor or a boyfriend can solve for you. You need therapy. You are in a lot of emotional pain. You are resentful of the people around you because you are in pain, and they don't seem to be helping. It's not their fault, though. They can't fix this for you. They don't have the resources. It doesn't matter how much support they give you. It doesn't matter how much they listen and understand and support you. It won't be enough. You are seeking something from the people around you that they don't have to give. It's normal to feel the way you do, but your pain is skewing your preceptions.

This is going to take some time to heal. I'm sorry. It totally sucks. The way you feel is normal for what happened to you. It's like a death. It will take awhile to get over it. A support group and medication helped me a great deal.

EDIT: lunalovegood's suggestion of DBT is a good one. It emphasizes several techniques that helped me a lot; mindfulness and acceptance, in particular, were useful skills for me to learn to practice. Learning skills to cope with pain and fear also help a lot.

More on DBT here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialect...havior_therapy

It's a very common problem for people ESPECIALLY young people to think the whole world knows exactly what they're feeling. You think they see a girl in a desperate situation who needs a continual friend and they are so mean that they don't even care. What they see (probably) is an anti-social girl who never talks to anyone or participates in anything. I can all but guarantee you dropping out isn't going to solve anything.

You've gotten some significant suggestions here from women who have also gone through some tough times. I would really consider taking some time away from school and the house to get your mental health back in order. And it wouldn't surprise me that you have some physical issues that need to be addressed as well.

Do NOT try to do this on your own, and if you do want to get your sisters involved in the process you have to point blank tell them what's going on. Hinting is not going to get it done. Also, I know my sorority and probably a lot of other NPC sororities have counseling services available for free. This is another reason to start reaching out. You may find there's a lot more support available to you than you think.

As a parent of a young lady, my heart breaks for you for the pain and mental anguish you are going through. As a mother I would want my daughter to obtain help because no matter the love I have as a parent it sometimes isn't enough to help somebody through a particulary rough period of life. Double/triple that with young ladies your age who are still trying to figure it out. It's way above their emotional and mental pay scale.

I hope you can come back to this forum in 3 months, 6 months, whatever the timeframe, if YOU choose, and share with us your progress. I wish you the best and pray that time and counseling will ease your pain and help you grow.

I have been in therapy for some time, and I am well aware that people my age are not equipped to handle such problems. But, when I do go to them with problems, it would be nice to actually be listened to, rather than blown off. Even just a "I can't really help, but if you need to talk, I'll listen," would be nice to hear. And, to an extent I agree that a lot of these problems are my own.

However, I stand by what I said about this chapter's sisterhood in particular, and not only because of what I've experienced personally. My roommate went into the chapter room and asked if anyone had seen me - everyone shrugged and responded, "Nope." She asked, "Well, did anyone text her?" All they said was, "Nope." So she said, "Okay, well I'll text her. I'll let you know what she says." Their response: "Who cares?" On top of that, my roommate has been in the kitchen and she hears some of the sisters gossiping about her from the other room. She's on our executive council, and even she's considered dropping because of the way we treat each other. Everyone, and I'm including myself, is so unapproachable that it just makes for a miserable sisterhood.

To *winter* - I've never heard of residential programs for depression? What are those? Do you have any more information about them?

Residential Programs for depression are treatment centers where you stay at a facility for an extended period of time. Some may require you to stay a minimum of 30days but can recommend you to stay longer to get the proper help you need. During these programs you use different forms of therapy such as art, muisc and group (for example) to help teach you how to cope with your depression. Also most of these facilities are private so some insurances might work and some might be self pay.

OK, you win. We agree. They are bitches & a terrible sisterhood. It was a mistake to join. Quit now. Go get help for yourself without this weighing you down.

What thetalady said sounds really harsh, but guess what? It's probably what your sisters are saying as well. They aren't equipped to help you and you talking about it at them instead of with someone who can actually help you might have caused them to succumb to the same attitude. Step 1 is acknowledgement. Great, you're there. But step 2 is doing something about it, and it doesn't sound like you're there yet. And if you've been in therapy for some time now and are still this depressed, it's time to find a new therapist.

I've known more than my share (IMO) of people with pretty serious mental health issues. I've seen people come out of really severe problems (the aliens snipping pieces of her vagina) and I've seen people wallow in misery and self-destruction year after year after year. You can choose to be either one. But "no seriously, my problem is really really bad and nobody appreciates how hard it is" is not getting you anywhere. The fact that you've worn us out and we don't even know you is pretty indicative of how your sisters must feel.

I'm sorry but if I've "worn" you out, you're free to leave. And you should also keep in mind that you all know more about me than my sisters do, since they only care about some good gossip, and I've been too terrified of their reaction to talk about things such as my miscarriage, which I NEVER asked anyone to understand. But when I told my roommate, she just hugged me and listened. That's all I want from the rest of my chapter.

I've acknowledged where I've had fault in this chapter and in my situation. But I'm sorry, it is not entirely my own fault. I have tried to reach out to sisters, and not just for serious conversations, but just to chat, and I have always been turned down. And it gets so exhausting to keep trying to reach out, when I'm the only one doing so. Someone should be trying to reach out to me, too. It's a two-way street.

As far as finding a new therapist - I really can't, since I'm using one of the school's free therapists. I have never said, "my problem is really really bad and nobody appreciates how hard it is." The fact that I'm even in therapy should show that I'm TRYING to get better, but I don't have a support system, which only makes the process more difficult.

You DO have a support system of family and friends. Again, sorority sisters and house mates are not instant best friends. They're members in the same organization as you are. It takes a lot of time to cultivate relationships. You are resentful of these women, and it seems like they don't care for you either. No one owes you friendship, but you all owe one another respect. You're not respecting them and they aren't respecting you, and if you genuinely want them to care about you then you need to step it up and show them some respect and friendship to get things started. What you have done is not enough. And it doesn't seem like you have an interest in being the bigger person. So, cut your losses and cancel your membership at the end of the semester. You're living in the house, so you're stuck there until your lease ends or you pay to break it (which is foolish, seeing as the semester is 1/2-way over). At the very least, you could petition in the fall for inactivity due to medical reasons if your sorority allows it.

This message board is populated by Greeks who live and die by their organizations. When the going gets tough, we step it up in our chapters, knowing problems aren't solved overnight and we are both part of the problem and the solution. We're naturally inclined to tell people to stick it out for the good of the organization because that is what we would do. Your circumstances are very unique, and I don't think Greek Life is right for you at this point. It takes a lot of effort and energy to turn a chapter around, and your priority needs to be getting yourself better right now.

Your dismissive "if you don't like what I am saying, then leave" comment is not appreciated. You came on this board seeking advice. I'm sorry that you don't like the advice given. But what did you expect? We love Greek Life. That's why this is Greek Chat. I truly wish you the best, but stop blaming your sorority for your unhappiness. Just leave the sorority. You will still feel upset and angry, but at least you can channel the anger away from the sorority and work on your own problems. Leave them to work on theirs as an organization.

Yes, it is normal to feel buyers' remorse. And every sorority and every sorority member goes through issues where people feel the membership is being disrespectful or incohesive at some point. That's what happens in any large group, Greek or not. It's human nature and group dynamics. But what you are experiencing goes beyond that and has less to do with the sorority and more to do with that unfortunate chain of events you've experienced. So go work on yourself and leave the sorority to work on itself.

Excellent post. A lot of water has flowed under this bridge, and we aren't privy to both sides of this story to assess what is going on in your chapter. If everything is EXACTLY as you describe (which it never is when the other side of the story comes into play) this chapter has sisterhood issues and needs guidance, but they are still people that may have issues just like you. You haven't interacted meaningfully with them in anyway to know why the chapter's sisterhood may be lacking. Sisterhood means being there in the good times and the bad INCLUDING when people aren't getting along. It happens to real sisters. You have to work at relationships. I agree with adpiucf. This isn't your struggle. Leave the chapter to deal with their sisterhood issues, and you worry about yourself. Stop blaming everyone else for your unhappiness and focus on how YOU can make yourself happy.

You can't change your chapter sisters' behavior. You don't have control over it. The only thing you can do is continue to work to make friends in the chapter. You can continue to reach out to people and put in the face time to make friends. Find the people who respond to your friendly overtures and follow up with them. Let the rest go. Don't focus on the people who are bitchy. Focus on the people who are friendly.

You're the only one who can decide if it's worth it to continue to make the effort. It's your decision. If it's not worth it to you, then it's not worth it.

Unless the school only HAS one therapist, yes, you can find another one. You are paying their salary. Squeaky wheel gets the greasin'. Sometimes a therapist (at ANY point of life) is great for person A and awful for person B. Like any other objective service, you need to find the one you like and that fits you. Go to the head of student services and say "My therapist isn't making me feel like I'm getting anywhere. I want to be reassigned."

You've said previously that you go home every weekend, don't participate in social events, don't hang out even casually with other sisters (eating in the student center alone all the time doesn't help) and have a fiance who takes up what seems like your remaining free time. If this has been your m.o. for a year and a half, your sisters don't KNOW you, and by this point just don't see your friendship - even if you're offering it - as a value-add.

Wow, I just had a flashback after reading 33girl's comment about your sisters not KNOWING you. This is a valid point you might want to give some honest thought to. I remember a sister who pledged and initiated, but was rarely around the sorority her first year of school. If it wasn't mandatory, she opted to opt out. The reason? A boyfriend who she was completely wrapped up in. As I recall, our general perception was that she definitely saw her sisters as a lessor priority and as people she would only be around if she HAD to be in order to avoid a fine. She could have been going through a terrible personal crisis, but none of us would have known her well enough to pick up on clues or feel comfortable approaching her.

Well, she and the boyfriend broke up over the summer and she returned to school -- and fall recruitment -- with an entirely different attitude. I remember my roommate saying, "I think she's realized how important her sisters are." She may have initially thrown herself into recruitment and sorority life to help fill her time and recover from the break up, but you know what? She found her place, her close friends and a true love for the sorority. I graduated a year ahead of her, but she stayed involved in the sorority even when a new boyfriend came into the picture. (She later married him, so it got serious, but she kept things better balanced the second time around.)

Also, you said you go home every weekend to work. I understand needing to work, and don't know how far home is, but packing up and traveling every weekend sounds like one more stress-inducer. Have you considered finding a job on or near campus? I also understand wanting to see your family and boyfriend...but hitting the road every single weekend? That is a lot for anyone, and Greek or not, you do miss out on some of the college experience when you head out-of-town a lot.

Just a few thoughts...

I have tried to look for jobs on or near campus, but all on-campus jobs are work-study (which I don't have) and I don't have a car to get anywhere off-campus. Everyone seems to be putting a lot of emphasis on how I shouldn't be engaged or whatnot - we have postponed all wedding planning for the time being, for various reasons, though we still are technically engaged, we are not planning a wedding. Hence why I sometimes refer to him as a boyfriend, and sometimes as a fiance.

Over the past week or so, I have tried to put myself out there a little more - I had a conversation with my suitemate the other day, that elicited mixed responses.

As far as "the college experience" goes... Well, at my school, I have no desire to be a part of that. All anybody is drink and party, because there's simply nothing else to do - we don't have very many campus events. That makes things very difficult, because that's when many people get to know each other, but I don't have that in common with anybody (not just in the sorority, but all around campus). One of the reasons I was drawn to this sorority was because of the alcohol policy, but it never occurred to me that everybody drank in their spare time when there wasn't an event.

There are just so many little things that keep getting in the way, ranging from personal issues of my own (such as being a bit socially inept) to things that are completely out of my control (such as how others act). It's hard, and I really just wish it could have been different. At this point, it feels that there are just so many different reasons why things at this school and sorority were not meant to work out, and that's alright. I suppose it's just a sign that I'm not where I'm supposed to be.

Let there be light.

Yes, mainly due to financials and my therapist's recommendation, I'll be going to community college for a semester or two starting this fall. I'm not sure yet if I'll transfer back to my current school or not after community college, but I don't want to go back to the school just because it's what I'm familiar with - I want to fully explore my options, which I didn't do when applying to colleges in high school. I feel like I can finally start fresh, and maybe it'll be like you said - I can get closer to my sisters later in life, when we have more in common.

I would also like to apologize for any immaturity in any of my posts. I have been forced to mature very quickly in the past couple of years, and I often help friends and family with their personal issues, being forced to stay strong and mature the entire time. When I get upset, as I have been while posting here, I lose that, and have some immature tendencies, and I know those can be difficult to deal with sometimes. When I'm upset, acting a little immature is the only way I can really act my age, rather than acting more mature. So I would just like to apologize for that.

Everyone feels overwhelmed at times and hey, you are dealing with a lot.

Most sororities consider an undergrad an alumna if she is no longer enrolled in the college where she was initiated. Since you are going to be attending a cc next semester, your problem will be solved (as long as you take care of your membership obligations until the end of this semester). You may want to confirm your status(and any requirements or paperwork that might need to be done) with one of your chapter's alumna advisors. You may find that in some year to come, you will be able to appreciate your sorority membership and be grateful that you did not resign your membership.

It sounds like you are making changes that will improve your situation. As FSUZTA said, leaving the university will give you a chance to distance yourself from your chapter while preserving your membership with the organization. Make sure you leave in good standing. Hopefully being closer to home and away from stimuli that trigger emotions you can't handle at this time will be beneficial to you. Find a new counselor when you get to your new school. Don't stop therapy...it's hard to keep going when you can't afford it on your own, but you need help to deal with all the stressors in your life. Good luck.

Hang in there.

BTW, you might find that a different college/university is a better fit for you overall. I attended a small LAC and a regional university as an undergrad. I had a lot more in common with students at the university than I did with the students at the small LAC. Your fit problem with your chapter might be reflective of an overall fit problem with your school.

That's actually what I was starting to think, because I've been observing the overall behavior of everyone at my school, and a lot of it is similar to what I've experienced in the chapter. And considering this wasn't my first choice school, I'm not surprise it's a bad fit.



While I can't go alumnae until after I walk at graduation, my roommate informed me that, since I'm a transfer and not technically dropping, I can go to any chapter after graduation (if I don't go to a school with their own chapter) and go through our alumnae ritual. I hope that things can improve in the future, it's just a shame they couldn't work out now.

I'm not the expert some GCers are, but I don't think that's correct. You may not be able to go early alum if you stay at your current school but I'm pretty sure if you transfer and don't join a chapter at your new school (out of choice or because there isn't one), you're automatically alum.

I'm not sure what this "alumnae ritual" you're talking about is. If you're already initiated and you don't terminate your membership, you're a member. At this school or any other.

I'm glad that you are taking a year away from the sorority and the school. I think you need that time to heal. You need to focus on YOU. Not a sorority. Not a boyfriend/fiance. YOU.
I encourage you to continue seeking therapy. I have suffered from depression off and on since college. I have seen a therapist off and on since college (and am currently seeing on). I also take anti-depressants (which honestly have been a life saver!). YOU CAN DO IT!
As for your status in the sorority, talk to an advisor, not to a collegiate. Most collegiates don't know the true intricacies of the sorority. While you many not be able to go "alum", you may be given a "leave of absence" (not the right term but I'm blanking now). I know ADPi does it and it is for one calendar school year (so fall and spring). Then you have to reapply. (Girls at the chapter I used to advice would apply for this, like when they did study abroad).
As for the "alumnae" ritual, I can't speak for any sorority but ADPi, but ours isn't "required" for you to be considered an alum. Not everyone will go through it. It's just a little ceremony that we do for the women who are graduating or have graduated.

You will be granted alumna status immediately upon graduating, transferring, or dropping out of school. Any ceremony is just sort of icing-- not necessary to confer the status (unlike membership initiation after pledging). And yes, you could receive the alumnae ceremony from any chapter anytime-- even 30 years from now.

You have said you're transferring out at the end of the year to a college closer to home. Therefore, you will automatically be an alumna. Talk to your chapter adviser now and make sure that she is aware you are leaving. Put it in writing to the exec board that you are leaving the university, and sign and date any letters. This way, the chapter won't be assessing you dues in the fall.

The way we've always talked about our alumnae ritual, it seems as though it's "required" to be an alumnae, but what you guys are saying makes sense. Also, thinking back, I remember being told that to go through the ritual, we need to have walked. So I think that means I will be alumnae once I transfer, but I will not be allowed to go through the ritual until I have graduated from college. That makes more sense.

I may be splitting hairs pretty finely, but I do think that when a woman becomes an alum early can differ, depending on the organization.

I believe that some groups do not confer alum status on women who have transferred until their gratuating class has completed 4 years. So if you are initiated as a freshman, you are not an alum until your class has graduated in 4 years.

By doing it that way, if a woman transfers away from her original school, she becomes inactive/ unaffiliated or whatever they specifically call it. Then if she transfers a second time to a school that has a chapter of the organization, she is still eligible for active status. Make sense?