Allowing our advisor to wear letters
 

I am on the executive board of a fraternity, and our faculty advisor is a woman. She has given her heart and soul into making us be the best fraternity on campus. She works non-stop for us, she cares for all of us individually, she attends our events and supports us, she guides us, etc. She is just amazing. She actually won an award from our HQ as National Volunteer of the Year.

The executive board would like to propose to the rest of the undergraduate chapter that we allow her to wear fraternity apparel that includes letters. We do not know what to call it (i.e. she is not a girlfriend or a potential Sweetheart so it is not really called lavaliering her), but that is regardless. We have investigated our national policies and NIC policies, and there is nothing saying we cannot allow her to wear letters. We already lavaliere girlfriends and honor Sweethearts who can all wear letters, so we do not see any national conundrum occurring. However, we are worried about getting the rest of the chapter's support. Our seniors and other brothers feel that she should be separated from the undergraduate chapter; there needs to be some boundaries. While we understand this as an executive board, this would not mean she can come to chapter meetings, vote, run for an executive position, etc. This is just an honorary honor and not given to just anyone. The biggest issue is wearing letters essentially. The seniors realize how wonderful she is, but they are always pissy about giving anyone letters. Declaring a Sweetheart was a rough enough challenge. We also struggle because we have one executive member who is totally against this, but to be honest, I feel he is being influenced from senior's opinions. I love him and he is my brother, but he often does not make his own opinion.

How can we really express to the rest of the undergraduate members how much we want this to happen, as well as convince the one member on our e-board to support us? It is definitely not unheard of; a chapter nearby of our same affiliation allows their advisor to wear letters, and this has been a practice for years. Or if you have any oppositions for this practice, we would like to hear those as well. Our advisor is amazing as I have explained, and frankly if she were an undergraduate student, she would have been our Sweetheart as some point. When she was in college, her best friends were SigEps (at our same university), and show she is our advisors years later with a Master’s Degree. She truly is a SigEp Girl, but convincing the chapter is always a challenge to try something new.

EDIT: I also want to add that we all voted to allow her to wear our recruitment t-shirt, which had our letters on it, so it kind of has already happened. The officer against the issue also complained that he never sees her wearing it so she would not appreciate the privileged. However, she is a professional employee, and wearing a recruitment t-shirt is not always stylish, and honestly our rush t-shirt this year was ugly.

Maybe fraternity rules have changed. I wore fraternity letters all the time in college. So did every other girl I knew. The guys looked at it as good PR.

If she has won a national award, I truly believe she has been given the best possible honor.

Your focus should not be convincing everyone to take your side, but to consider what is best for the fraternity. If it's already contentious, it may be best to just let it be.

How old is she? She might not want to wear letters if she's too far past her 20s. How about a golden heart shaped necklace with your jewels in it instead?

My point is that it's pointless to argue for something if she's not going to wear them in a professional setting/on campus anyway. Getting the entire fraternity into a squabble if all she's going to do is put on a sweatshirt at home just isn't worth the trouble.

and irishpipes - some chapters/groups are VERY strict about letting girls wear letters unless it's a fraternity-wide philanthropy like Derby Days.

I agree. If you're going to make an argument for her to wear letters, you want to make sure she'll actually wear them. Maybe a nice pin (obviously not a badge) or a necklace with your letters.. which is subtle. A rush t-shirt or stitched letters are not going to be worn by someone in their late 20s and beyond unless they're lounging at home or running out to the store.

One chapter on my campus refused to let anyone but brothers wear their letters. Maybe 4 years after I graduated, they finally decided to have a sweetheart, but they still only let her wear the fraternity's name on a shirt, and not their actual letters. They were always shocked that us sororities would make recruitment shirts with all of our letters on them.

If she's a professional woman, she really doesn't give a darn about wearing your letters. Only undergraduate college women think it is cool to wear a men's fraternity shirt in public. So save your breath fighting with the chapter on this, and have the chapter honor her with a special award she can display in her office in addition to her volunteer award from your HQ. Perhaps you can give it to her at a celebratory dinner where the chapter serenades her. Now THAT she would love.

I assume you are talking about stitched letters as opposed to printed letters. What you could do is have her be a sweetheart just like an undergrad would be.

How about a lavalier? It would be discreet enough that if she so desired, she could wear it all the time, but during her professional hours it could be tucked beneath her blouse out of sight.

How about finding a nice throw pillow and having the letters stitched onto it? She then has the option of putting the pillow in her office or keeping it at home. That combined with a lavalier might make a nice sentimental gift.

And there's your answer, though the officer you mention has it wrong. My guess is not that she doesn't appreciate the gesture. It's just that you've given her something she's not likely to wear. I'm betting you'll find the same with any lettered apparel. It's a gift that means something to the chapter, and she'll appreciate that, but it's not a gift that really takes her into consideration.

Building on the idea upthread, ask her to come to dinner and a meeting one night. When she arrives, let her find tables that look as nice as you can make them look, and every member of the chapter in coat and tie, with a sign announcing "[Advisor Name] Night." Have flowers for her -- dark red roses with some purple thrown in would be great. Give her the seat of honor, to the president's right. Begin the meal with a welcome that explains the purpose of the evening is to honor her. If saying grace is part of the chapter tradition, be sure to express thanks for her and the gifts she shares with the chapter.

After supper, have the president or someone else say some words of appreciation. Give her one or two well-chosen gifts -- perhaps a piece of jewelry or a decorative item. If you know there's something she particularly likes (good pottery would always be a winner with my wife), go with that and see if you can find something that has some connection to the fraternity -- something with a heart design or that's purple and red, perhaps.

Does SigEp have some kind of award that can be presented to non-member volunteers? If so, give her that award. If not, create one on behalf of the chapter (and have some fun with that if you want to) -- and if you want, that award can include the right to wear your letters. If you do include that, give her something with your letters that you obviously don't necessarily expect to see her wear -- a baseball cap, or LaneSig's idea of a pillow.

After that, toast her and serenade her. I guarantee you, she'll feel appreciated and will in turn appreciate all the gestures.

If a formal dinner isn't your chapter's style, you can take these ideas and incorporate them into any kind of formal or informal gathering.

If she's married or otherwise in a relationship, be sure and invite her significant other (and children if any) and clue him in to what's going on, but make sure he knows it's a surprise and that he (and kids) come separately.

This is something you can really have some fun with, and it's a great opportunity for the chapter to learn about how to show appreciation. Good luck!

MysticCat, do you have any brothers/uncles that, perchance, are available and would like to meet up?

Sigh.

If you REALLY want to get her a significant gift, why not something along the lines of an origami owl "locket" with your colors/stones and symbol? I have a friend who sales origami owl and they are really cute.

http://www.origamiowl.com/how-to-build/

Is there a specific symbol of your fraternity-the heart perhaps(you are a Sig
Ep, right?)? Could you commission a jeweler to create a heart locket with one red jewel and one purple jewel set in it? Or perhaps the official jeweler of your fraternity sells one already?

Ditto what MC & adpiucf said about a formal dinner and serenade-but make sure everyone knows the words to the song(s) and that there are several practices beforehand.

I can honestly say that, while yes a professional, she would appreciate this privilege. I can't stress enough how ugly our recruitment shirts this year. I barely wear mine. But she has worn it to our events like Greek Sing and on Founder's Day. I really like these alternative ideas too, especially giving her a lavaliere. It just kind of seems like a slap in the face if we give her a lavaliere but not the "privileges" that the undergraduate woman get, which is really just the ability to wear our letters. But overall I appreciate all of this.

There are things that seem of mega importance when you're an undergrad that are just silly once you have a diploma. Trust me, I doubt if she'll be the least bit offended. Especially if she's as in tune with the chapter as it seems she is. The last thing she would want is a chapter split in her "behalf." (I put that in quotes because it's kind of like when parents are ostensibly fighting over the well-being of their children and in reality they're just fighting because they want to fight.)

And for the zillionth time, there is no difference between stitched letters and printed letters. Letters are letters.

But if it would have caused a schism in the group with half the people wanting to do it and half not wanting to do it, I doubt that he would have wanted any part of it. That's why people are telling the OP to let the letters idea go and do something else.

Right, and I think she'd understand the value, too. My point (or at least one of them) was that appreciating the gesture and the value of that gesture and following through on it do not necessarily correllate -- one can deeply appreciate the gesture of being given letter attire and still not want to wear that attire simply because it's not your style.

Though the OP has clarified and said she has on occasion worn the tee shirt she was given, I still think the best advice for giving lettered attire to someone in her position is to either give something you know she'd feel comfortable wearing or give something that clearly you have no expectation she'll wear. The value of the latter is that the clothing, whatever it is, is symbolic of the underlying gesture of making her entitled to wear the letters, and that underlying gesture is the main message.

Personally, I would be offended if someone who is not in my sorority was allowed to wear my letters. Our house manager went over everyone's heads and made our old advisor a paddle with our letters on it. She's not a Phi Mu, she isn't planning on being initiated as an Alumna member... I felt like it was inappropriate. Now I know fraternities are different - I'm lavaliered to an SAE and I couldn't be more honored to wear their letters. But that is a sign of my commitment to my boyfriend and to his fraternity and his symbol of commitment to me and building a life together. It sounds like your fraternity has already honored your advisor in a way that's more important then allowing her to wear your letters. I agree with the suggestion of buying her a piece of jewelry with your jewel or maybe an engraving of something, it will mean more to her 10 years from now then any article of clothing.

Personally, I think the old advisor has more entitlement to be acknowledged with a plaque with the letters after putting blood, sweat and tears into the organization than someone wearing a lavaliere simply because she is schtupping a fraternity boy. Not really sure how your relationship to your boyfriend implies you are committed to his fraternity. You're not. It's a tradition though and that makes it ok. But hey, to each his own.

Knowing nothing about your local rules or anything about your campus or organization, let me throw this potentially terrible suggestion out there--why not elect her the chapter sweetheart? It'd kind of be a two birds/one stone approach. It would resolve the letters issue with some finality, so a future exec board wouldn't be able to come back and change their policy after the fact. It'd also quite possibly be something she'd be honored by and she sounds like she deserves whatever honors are within your power to give.

I don't really have anything constructive to add to this conversation... I just wanted to post to say that I think this is just about the sweetest thing ever. It's hitting me right in the feels.

adpiucf, I took this to mean that the house manager (not a sister) made a paddle for the advisor (a sister) without understanding of the letters or symbols she was putting on it.

Ninah, is this correct?

Hey Brother,

If your adviser is of SigEp caliber (which it definitely sounds like she is), there's nothing wrong with giving her letters. Plus, it's pretty darn good PR when staff of the university are sporting your letters, especially if she's a very respected member of the university.

What I would do, personally, is give her a lavaliere and a lettered hoodie. The lavaliere is something that she can wear every day without being unprofessional. The hoodie would make her feel like she was even more a part of the Brotherhood because she's getting the apparel the we pride the most. Plus, it's nice to have a hoodie sometimes. :P

With the one E-Board member's opposition, here's the deal: the E-Board is one unit. If 6 out of the 7 of you have a very strong disposition toward giving her letters, cool. What needs to happen is you need to really discuss why he's so against that. Take the time to listen; don't just get defensive. Part of being on E-Board, though, is knowing compromise. So, if you come out of that meeting having decided that she will get letters, he will need to suck it up and go along with the rest of the E-Board. From there, the E-Board, as one unit with one opinion, can talk to the chapter and attempt to get them on your side.

There's my 2 cents.