Need advice for fitting into chapter
 

Hey everyone! I'm stuck in a bit of a dilemma and just can't figure out what to do. I was initiated into my sorority (I don't want any bad reputations to get out, so I'll leave it anonymous) last December, so including my new member period, I've been a part of this sorority for a year and a half.

When I was joining a sorority, I knew I wanted to get lifelong friendships out of it. And when I found the sorority I felt most at home with, I hoped I would be able to develop those lifelong friendships.

But there isn't a single girl in the chapter that I even text. I occasionally go out to dinner with my roommate (we live in the house), but that's really it.

My big transferred to another school out of state at the end of last school year, and she only spoke to me once on my birthday since. Even before then, we were never really close. I made the mistake of taking a little this semester. Don't get me wrong, she's a great girl, but I feel like I've screwed up her chances in the sorority, like I'm a failure of a big sister.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to drop, but I don't feel welcome or at home in this chapter anymore. I live in the house, which is a complete and utter nightmare, and I go to events when I can, but I've had a lot of family issues the past two semesters, and I have to go home an hour and a half every weekend to work, so I can't go to anything on weekends.

I'm staying with the chapter at least next semester, since I live in the house and there's no way out of the least. And honestly, I'd rather not drop. But I don't know how to associate with any of my sisters. All I've ever heard them talk about is parties and alcohol (I have never been to a party, and I do not drink alcohol). I don't feel like I have anything in common with them and don't know how to associate with them.

I see the friendships girls in my pledge class have formed, but I just can't seem to form them myself, and I'm out of ideas on what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions of what to try, or if I should really begin to consider dropping after next semester...?

Thanks everyone,
Jo

If you go home every single weekend, you are going to miss out on a LOT of the informal bonding that goes on.

Don't the house sisters sit around and watch Gossip Girl or whatever together? It's hard for me to believe that ALL they do is drink and party.

Have people asked you to go to parties with them? You don't have to drink. (Most college students who do choose to drink have figured out that if someone else doesn't drink, there is more for them, so they could care less if someone doesn't drink.) When you invite someone to go out with you out of wanting to make friends and they flat turn you down, it isn't going to help you like the person.

If you aren't there on weekends, and you don't associate with anyone except at required events, it's going to be hard for you. You have to make more of an effort when you are there, if the weekend thing is something you absolutely can't alter.

Of course, if you don't want to try or change in the least, you should probably drop now and see if someone who would like to live in the house can sublet from you.

I'm not sure if anyone sits around and watches TV - I never really hear anybody, since I'm on the top floor, so I'm honestly not sure. I know some of them have jobs, so they do more than just drink and party, but all I ever hear them talk about is what happened at parties or what guys they saw last or whatever.

No, I've never been asked to go to a party. I've been invited out to dinner with some of my sisters a couple of times, but it's been really awkward every time. I have a hard time being able to make small talk with them.

I've looked into a sublease, but our house isn't full, and the only way to get a sublease is for it to be full.

Next semester I'll be required to stay on campus an extra day, since I'm taking a Friday class, but it depends on how my finances work out if I have to go home or not every weekend. It doesn't help that I want to go home more than I want to be at school, since my fiance is at home.

With a fiance drawing your attention, it sounds like you may be halfway checked out to begin with. Are you making the sorority a priority in your life? If not, you're not going to get as much out of the experience.

It also sounds like you're staying holed up in your room if you don't know what folks are watching on tv. If you spend more time socializing, you'll find yourself with more opportunities to get out of the house with the group.

If you're an introvert, don't worry. A lot of us are. It just means you have to try a little harder to put yourself out there.

If it's not worth it to put forth the effort, get out sooner than later.

No, it's not really a priority in my life at this point, what with my fiance, family issues, and me trying to focus on my academics.

I'm not really sure how to start socializing. I'd like to, I don't like being so lonely here, but I'm not sure how to go about initiating conversations.

"How was class?"

"I like those shoes, where'd you get them?"

Umm....just anything random. The fact that you have to ask us kind of says it all. Unless you've done something to really tick your sisters off or unless you were accidentally given a bid for the wrong group, I have trouble envisioning an entire houseful of women who won't engage in a conversation with you. Are they aware that you have family issues and have to work, or do you just scurry out of the house the minute the weekend begins? I assure you that some of them have SOME similiar situations.

But at any rate...I don't think that is going to help at this point. I agree with pj that between fiance, job at home and everything else that you could or couldn't control, it seems like you didn't ever put very much into the sorority...and as we all know, what you put in is what you get out. There are plenty of girls who have jobs at home, boyfriends at home and still manage to have a good sorority experience. It just doesn't sound like you are able to put forth the effort to do so at this time.

Even if you do terminate from the sorority, it sounds like you need to work on your socialization skills. Unless you're going to be a stonecutter or something where ability trumps personality every time, you're probably going to be in situations where you're going to have to attend parties that might not be your cup of tea, talk to people you have nothing in common with, and not rely on your fiance/husband.

No, they are aware that I have to work, and they are all aware of my family issues as well. And I have said little things like that here and there, but all I get is, "Class was good," or, "Thanks."

On top of this, they rarely initiate any conversations with me either.

I do have friends, he's not the only person I talk to, and I have socialization skills. My problem is, I don't feel a connection with these girls that I used to.

And one thing I forgot to mention - I've also mentally limited myself from going to certain events. Whenever my sorority has a mixer/social with a fraternity, I make sure to come up with a reason for not going. I know this hinders my ability to bond with my sisters, but I was raped by a guy who is in a fraternity my first semester of college, and I'm terrified of running into him. There are other events that I do go to, but I only go to events where it's either Greek-wide or just my sorority because of this.

That is ONE fraternity. No one would blame you for skipping that mixer. But all of them? (I assume you do know the name of the actual fraternity that he was/is in.) Fraternities don't go to each other's mixers, that's the whole point. If he was in XYZ fraternity, he's not going to show up at the ABC mixer. If just the thought of men in ANY fraternity makes you that scared, you definitely should look into some counseling.

You've closed yourself off in so many ways, it's no wonder that you have a problem connecting with people.

I am in counseling.

And that's the thing - I know I've closed myself off, but I don't know how to give my sisters a chance before I drop. I don't want to drop and regret it later. I want to really give it a genuine chance, but I just don't know how to go about it.

That's one of the things your counselor should be addressing with you.

Well, she's not. Which is why I came here, just looking for some suggestions on how to open up to my sisters.

How terrible that you were raped. I am so sorry that happened.

It is good that you are working with a counselor. Be persistant if you feel there is an issue that she/he is not addressing-like the fact that you have closed yourself off from your sorority sisters. Do you have any close female friends on campus?

Im sorry that you were raped. Greekchat isn't a place for you to come for counseling, though. We can't advise you on this stuff because you have mixed all of it up with the incident your freshman year. Bring your lack of relationships with your sisters and inability to attend mixers up with your counselor and see what she advises. We don't want to give you bad advise that conflicts with what you are being advised by professionals. Good luck. I know it is hard to open up after such a big trauma.

You've gotten excellent advice from my (and your) Panhellenic sisters. You may not get many responses on this thread, because the advice thus far is so spot-on, and we do not want to interfere with the professional with whom you're working.

Please know this: we do care, and we are here, waiting and wishing you well.

Are meals served in the house? Who do you eat lunch/dinner with? Do you have a sisterhood chairman or something? I know that we had someone who actually planned events like "watch Dawson's Creek" (showing my age on that one?) or "paint our nails".

It's just a free-for-all when people eat. Because of the limited space in the fridge, I actually don't have a lot of food at the house, so I usually go to the student center to eat, and I usually go by myself.

We do, but I haven't heard of any sisterhoods in a while (I know it's the end of the semester, but I can't even remember the last sisterhood we had). The sisterhoods I have gone to though have been pretty fun, depending more or less on what activity we did.

And I understand everyone not wanting to give advice that conflicts with a professional's, but I'm not getting any advice from her. During the entire session, I just talk, she listens, and it's over.

I am afraid that your sirtuation is really beyond the ability of most of us to help with. I am sorry, but we don't want to make anything worse.

It does sound like to me you need to find another counselor. Just like we don't all click with everyone we meet, you will find counselors that you work better with than others. Find another counselor. Make the effort. You are worth it. Stick up for yourself and ASK for help from someone else.

Your first semester away at college is VERY tough. Yes, we know you are really homesick & miss your fiance. If you continue to go home every weekend, you will probably end up leaving both your sorority and college. Time to do some soul searching and figure out what is important to you & then do it. Good luck.

This isn't my first semester at college - it's my third. I'm not all that homesick, I just have to work and enjoy spending time with my fiance.

But thank you everyone for trying to help, I understand why you can't really give any advice.

I agree 100% that some counselors aren't a good fit for some clients AND that there are tons of counselors out there who just suck, but I would first speak up and tell your existing counselor your concerns, if you can. She may say "this is my style, I can help you find someone who is a better fit", or she may say "okay, I can adjust to what you are saying you need", or she may say "I think this is what you need right now", or whatever, but bring it up with her first.

Oops, sorry that I missed that.

May I ask why you went away to school? If you are engaged and must work a job at home (rather than getting a job where you are now in school) why not stay closer to home? Is getting a job where you are at school absolutely not an option?

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: there is no such thing as a natural extrovert. There are people who have learned how to be social, but they have ways to get up their nerve prior to doing so.

So, let's say that you have a night when you're fairly up to date on your studies. Stand up on that upper floor, and walk down to the main floor. Ask what your sisters are watching on tv. If you have a coke machine, get yourself one, but first ask the crowd, "I'm going for a coke - does anyone else want one?" Relax and watch the show!

One thing we did when we had sisters who weren't very social was to set up a table, and put a couple jigsaw puzzles on it. Sometimes, someone would start one, and people going by couldn't resist placing a piece or two. And before you think it's really dumb, ask why there's so much popularity on Facebook for the hearts game - it's because of the puzzle!

These are just a couple of ideas, but there are thousands. Remember recruitment, how much you wanted to join a sorority, and go into Recruitment Mode.

You have been through some very serious challenges, but I promise you that life will become easier once you realize that you CAN do this, you ARE a survivor! As for the jerk who used you, HE'S the one who should be worried, as what he did is a criminal act. Don't let him demean you - he's only a statement away from being in the criminal justice system!

Please feel free to post here, in any forum. We all want to see things work out for you, and wish you the best!

That's okay :)

I went away to college because I have to live on campus. I don't have a car, and due to medical reasons am unable to get my license just yet. The closest community college is 45 minutes away from my house, and I couldn't make my parents drive me there and back every day.

I am trying to find a job at school, and have applied everywhere within walking distance, but I haven't gotten a single call back yet. I plan on applying to our on campus dining services next semester, though.

Start small. It's going to feel incredibly awkward, but you are going to have to put yourself out there and work at building friendships. It sounds like you must live in a small house (if it's a shared fridge environment instead of a prepared meals situation). Maybe you could work on having a communal dinner/pot luck where the gals prepare something to share. Or if it's common to eat at campus dining, you could go out of your way to ask another couple gals to go along. That is good for you, it's good for chapter bonding, and it's good for your presence on campus.

Also, volunteer to help one of the busier exec board members, like social or membership. That would be a way to get to know one or two members more personally while helping the chapter. But be specific in how you want to volunteer. "I'm glad to help" is more work for the board member who has to try to figure out what to have you do. If an event or task gets mentioned at chapter, raise your hand.

You haven't met my mother! ;) I used to cringe when she'd wave at other drivers. I'd say, "Who's that?" and she'd say, "It looked like so-and-so." And I'd say, "No, it wasn't." Her response: "Well, it might have been, and it never hurts to be friendly!!!" My sister admits to asking herself, "What would mom do?" when she's in a new social situation.

I agree with you, though -- most people experience varying levels of awkwardness when getting to know new people.

You get out what you put in. It sounds like you do not have a lot of time on weekends to bond. But all of these girls wanted you in their sorority, and I doubt their opinion has changed. Try going downstairs and seeing what they are watching on TV. Or, bring down a board game and challenge them. Invite everyone to bake cookies in the house kitchen. It seems like you will have to be the one to initiate contact, at least at first, and eventually they will come around and start inviting you places. I know that if someone turns me down too many times, I have stopped inviting them, and that may be your problem.

Good luck!!

Just to add, when I was living on campus I would keep my door open when I was there. That way if someone wanted to chat or say hey, it would be easy for them to make contact. Also that way, it's no pressure!

Also, it might be an option to spend less time in your room, especially if you aren't actively studying. I had a similar housing situation as you, but I would more or less camp out in the living room if I wasn't asleep or studying. I was paying for that community expierence, and I sure as hell got it.