Having trouble processing the disappointment of the sorority I joined. Any advice?
 

So last fall I got initiated into a new sorority on campus. My reasons for joining were to get involved, make connections, make new friends, and be a part of something great. As a commuter student it was hard to do any of those things on my own (especially as someone who is a bit of an introvert).

Anyway, even before initiation I tried my best and went to every event that I could, except that most of the events for socializing with sisters occurred during nights when I had class or were last minute things that I only found out about once I got home (about 40 mins from campus).

Most of the sisters that joined, joined as friends already and stayed in their cliques throughout the whole process of being pledges to new initiates. Every event/meeting was filled with cliques and cold stares. My attempts to break through some of these barriers were met with disappointments. The girls didn't seem to want to venture out of their comfort zones.

After going through a rough family trauma, I tried talking to the chapter president about these disappointments and my inability to attend some mandatory events coming up do to dealing with family issues. The chapter president gave me a blank look and said that it wasn't an excuse and that I would have to drop. She then proceeded to walk away and tell me to come to her the next day with all of my belongings.

Our colony leader that was there to help establish the chapter was currently out of town. When I tried contacting her to discuss the issues at hand she never responded.

Basically, I'm not a member of the chapter of the sorority anymore (not like I was given any other options).

What does this mean for me? I was initiated so I don't know if I can even consider myself as anything to do with the organization.

What am I and where do I go from here? I admit after the whole fiasco I didn't know what to do so I didn't do anything else but go home and cry. I still think the sorority itself is a great one, but the way everything was conducted at my school was ridiculous.

Any words?

Do you have alumnae advisors in the area? I would try to contact a chapter advisor or someone like that.

I don't know of any.

Am I completely unaffiliated with the organization as a whole even though I was initiated?

Okay, I can only speak for ADPi here, but from ADPi standpoint the chapter would have to have your membership cancelled. You would received official word from EO. I'm sure the other sororities do something similiar, if you haven't received word that your membership was cancelled you are still an initiated member of the chapter.

The chapter might have you listed as inactive or alumnae. I'm sending you a PM.

If you don't know of any local alumnae, contact your headquarters. You should be able to find a phone number on the national website.

From an Alpha Gam standpoint, you would have to write an official letter (and have a conference to discuss all options). If you haven't signed anything, it's quite possible you are still a member of your organisation.

There is no way the chapter president can just tell you you aren't a member any longer. There have to be procedures in place for terminating your membership. You would have to go through disciplinary procedures or else write a letter of resignation.

Are you sure the colony adviser got your emails/voice mails?

You should have the opportunity to meet with the chapter leadership about your situation. I know every group is different, but in Tri Delta you would meet with the Standards Committee (if it is still called that) and try to explore options.

It seems really strange to me that they are being so uncooperative. If you love your sorority I would try to figure out who to contact. Do you see anyone on Greek Chat commenting regularly who is a member of your organization? Most of the regular commenters on GC are well-connected with their organization and could probably point you in a more specific direction.

Re: being a commuter student... I lived at home during college and it does take more of an effort. I found that once I started hanging out at the house more, I felt much more a part of the chapter. I came over for meals, spent the night, played euchre, etc. I made a point of hanging out after chapter meetings and volunteering for different activities. My sorority life totally changed my college experience which is why I wrote about it here on GC. You can take the link in my signature. But it will take a fair amount of effort to feel connected if you commute. There were other women in the chapter who commuted, but their experience was completely different from mine. Not that mine was the right experience and theirs was wrong. We simply had different outcomes based on the effort we put forth.

Please keep us posted!

Which means you owe them money for dues that have been accruing.

Previous posters have given you wise advice. :)

Please continue reaching out to the sisters within your NPC Sorority. You joined them because you felt very comfortable. Their leadership chose you because you want to make their organization great.

You are an initiated sorority member for life; this situation is resolvable. :)

This is entirely true! If you have been "marked" inactive, you would most likely have to pay dues that are owed to be a collegiate or alumna member.

You may want to call your HQ to get some help since you don't know any alumna advisers. In my organization, the chapter president can not simply tell a member that she's out. There's much more to it than that.

Thank you for all of your responses, it means a lot to have everyone giving advice.

Honestly, I'm just embarrassed of the way everything went down to even think about contacting someone within the sorority.

I did have to sign something when I dropped off my things. But right before doing so all the chapter president did was give me a disapproving look and tell me about how much paperwork she would have to do now.

I have an outstanding balance apparently, but am not listed in the member directory. I still have another year left at my university, if I'm still considered a member it would be difficult to go back to the sorority after they ostracized me.

Not sure what to do. If you say that signing something means I'm not a member anymore, I guess that's it then? :(

If you signed termination papers, you will shortly get a notice from your HQ that your membership has been terminated. If you want to reconsider, then you need to check your national web site, find the person over collegians, and contact her. OTherwise, there really isn't anything to be done. WE can't help you straighten this out. Only a national officer of your group can do that. I'm sorry you didn't go to your standards/honor board to talk about this. That would probably have been the best way to handle it. Contact your national officer.

In your earlier threads (last year) you mentioned not wanting to join a sorority unless you felt very comfortable. You wanted to go with your gut instincts.

How YOU feel now is important. :)

We cannot TELL you what to do.

For you current and future peace of mind, motivate yourself to ask higher-ups where you stand and how you may proceed within their organization.

It really is all up to you now. It always has been. :D

This story does not make sense. As others have said, we are not aware of any collegiate president of any NPC sorority that has the power to terminate someone's membership by herself.

As suggested, get on the internet, go to your national website, find the phone number for the national office and call them tomorrow.

I will sort out the situation as soon as possible. Thanks for everyone's input.

As mentioned in my last post, I did sign a letter I had to write about my family issues...I never received anything from headquarters though about my termination.

Some orgs have special status for members going through a hardship. This is not the same as terminating.

I doubt very much this was the case. The chapter president was most likely chosen as the spokesperson after the issue had been discussed and decided on by the whole colony/chapter.

Was the chapter chartered during the time you were a member, or was it still a colony? If it's the latter, the colony advisor (who sounds like she sucks) should have been the one to contact you.

That being said, it sounds like this was a bad fit from the beginning. Colonies are a LOT of work and EVERY SINGLE MEMBER has to be on board 110% and super involved. I'm not sure if you didn't realize before you joined, but if you knew that you had night classes that would have kept you away from a lot of events (official or non) that wasn't going to sit well with a lot of people. Then add asking for more excused absences after that because of your family situation, and you sadly aren't going to get a lot of sympathy.

As far as being a commuter, TriDeltaSallie is right - it takes extra effort ON TOP OF that extra effort it takes to be in a colony. If everyone else on a scale of 1-10 was putting forth 9, you had to put forth 20.

Again, it sounds like you had a crappy colony advisor (they are supposed to be on the lookout for things like preformed cliques, not just sit there) but it is what it is.

Call the national headquarters of the sorority, tell them what you told us, and see if you really and truly are an initiated member.

If they have terminated you and you didn't want that, ask about reinstatement and if there are any reactivation fees, etc.

I put forth A LOT of effort. For every meeting/event that I was not in class I was there 110%. Going into the sorority and colonization process I knew that it would be a lot of work and am familiar with putting in lots of effort. Between taking upper-level courses, working to pay for everything, and dealing with family trouble I did the best that I could under the circumstances.

My family needed me during a really rough time and I wasn't going to tell my grandfather that was hospitalized that he'd have to wait for me to be there for him while I was at a meeting. It's hard enough balancing work/school/sorority things when you have a family trauma when no one else could be there. I only asked for a few events that I could be excused while the situation got better. I'm not looking for any sympathy, just an understanding.

I will be contacting the national headquarters this week to sort it all out.

Unfortunately 100% of your available time (there is no such thing as 110% of time) may not have been good enough. Unfortunately, this should have been considered when they offered you a place in the colony. It does take a huge amount of time that you might not have been able to provide, regardless of your desire or effort.

But that still doesn't excuse how you were treated. Your president or even a group of girls may not have liked your lack of available time, but that doesn't mean you can get shuffled outta there without a thorough explanation of what's what. And there are so many holes here that I'm wondering if you were just pledged to the colony and not initiated, if you were given a leave due to family crisis, were ousted against sorority policy, or if you were walked through all of the fine print and you've just blocked it all out. With the amount of stress you were under at the time, I could easily imagine that you've unintentionally changed what really happened. Hopefully a chat with sorority headquarters will at least clear up the question of your status. And maybe there's resolution at the end of that tunnel.

I was initiated, I can assure you of that.

I had a family trauma and had to be there for them for a short period of time that would have and did cause me to miss a few mandatory events. When I met with the chapter president, she didn't give me any options besides dropping and that was after a bit of a heated discussion about me not being able to attend because of my family troubles. I was also unable to pay some of the financial obligations for that short period of time because I had to give my earnings to my family.

As I stated, the leadership consultant that was there while we were a colony and after we were all initiated was out of town and didn't respond to my contact after my meeting with the president. So without any other options from the president, she told me to drop my things off the next day and a letter I had to sign. I guess I'm not a member anymore because of that.

I'm not here to make excuses, no one was perfect in this situation. I'm just disappointed at how everything happened. I have nothing bad to say about the organization, I still feel strongly about it...but I suppose that's all there is.

Again, thanks for all of your input.

You've received some good advice - don't feel obligated to continue explaining your situation. What's done is done. And only you know what truly happened and what efforts you actually made. If you want "back in" to your sorority, contact headquarters and see what your status is and what you can do.

Then, if you want, and only if you want, come back here and tell us how everything went.

Good luck!

Don't most sororities have due process? Doesn't the "accused" have the right, and the sorority the obligation, to hold a meeting between the accused and the standards board (or whatever that particular sorority calls their judicial board)?

My sorority has definite procedures that must be followed before a member can be expelled. That is why I am saying that the OPs story doesn't make sense. She has not mentioned meeting with anyone other than the president, who told her she was no longer a member. I think that is why several posters have suggested she call her national office.

While I doubt that the OP would still want to be an active part of her sorority, she might be able to have her membership restored to alumna status.

The most recent post makes me think the OP just wants to complain.

Judging from the OP's posts, it sounds like this colony was started and run in an extremely loosey-goosey fashion, i.e. what some people would refer to as a "letter dump." Dump the letters on the women, throw some booklets at them, get your fee and whoop dee doo, you have a new chapter on your roll. If that is the case, blaming the chapter president or the collegiate members for not giving her due process is kind of like blaming a 6 year old who gets in a car for not being able to reach the gas pedal and coming to pick you up at the mall.

Now as I said - this is what I glean from the OP's posts. If there are other women who've had bad experiences with the chapter/colony, they need to consult the national headquarters as a group (not to mention the campus Greek life office, who may want to tell this national they need to have a come to Jesus moment if they want to stay a recognized campus organization). If she's the only one and everyone else is happy as clams, I'll go back to what I said before - neither side was "wrong", it just was a bad fit from the beginning.

I think that is a lot to assume from one girl's experience. Also consider that you are only hearing her side of the story.

That's exactly what I said - that this is what I get from her posts. Not that this = what happened. Such a thing CAN happen - whether that was the case here is another story. If she's the lone unhappy camper I'm sure there is a lot that we're not hearing. If she's not, well, it needs to be investigated.

That all being said, it wouldn't be the first time a chapter - any chapter, let alone a brand new one -didn't employ due process in expulsion of a member. Everyone is just acting like this could never ever happen on the same level as the sun could never rise in the west and set in the east.

I'm kind of surprised that there wasn't anyone else with the president when she served such a letter. If she refused to sign, it's basically one person's word against another since there'd be no evidence she was "served". This is why whenever there's some sort of judicial process going on there should be more than one-on-one. She could have ended up like that girl wearing her lettered bag all over campus. The president could say "oh I told her she wasn't a member anymore" but if no one else was there to witness it, you can't exactly prove it.

IF this is the way it really went down, then it sounds like the president acted out of emotion. This is a case for headquarters to solve. And be aware of ANYTHING that you sign. You're an adult now. Read!