I'm a PNM who's kind of thinking of depledging...
 

Hi, I just went through rush a few days ago and I'm already not feeling too good about my sorority...
I'll admit that it wasn't my first choice and I was really disappointed not to get a bid from my first. But I went to Bid Day for my #2, and I had fun. There were moments where I thought "okay, I can see myself fitting in here" and moments where I thought "what have I done?" I'm a junior - I rushed on a whim (it's common to have upperclassmen rush at my school - probably at least 1/3 of the girls going through recruitment are not freshmen), and I don't really think it's plausible for me to rush next year.
It's only been a few days, but I'm already running into problems. I didn't know a whole lot about Greek life here before, but now everyone who isn't in my sorority is telling me that they're known around campus for being the alcoholics and have gotten arrested at campus events before. I know I shouldn't let rumors influence my decision, but it's hard to ignore that kind of reputation, you know?
I'm extremely committed to my church, and lead youth groups on Sunday and teach classes on Monday. The problem here is that the mandatory meetings are held at the exact same time as both of those. I really can't and don't want to quit my church...should I talk to my President or someone about this? Honestly, if it came down to it, I would not choose my sorority over my church.
And overall....I just don't know if I'm really the right person for Greek life. I don't know if I'm the kind of person who would be good at being a sister. I keep asking myself, would I be having these thoughts if I had gotten into my first choice? Maybe it's really just that I'm still upset about not getting a bid and I'm letting that cloud my judgment. My house has struggled with numbers for I guess a long time, so I would hate to disappoint them, but...I don't know what I've gotten myself into here, and I'm not sure if this is for me.
What should I do? Like I said, my chapter struggles with numbers (they lost their house last year, which obviously didn't help at recruitment) so I'm afraid if I bring up my concerns to anyone, they'll just try to sugarcoat everything or panic because they don't want to lose anyone.

A couple threads to read:
http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=121412

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=106678

There are a ton of threads about not feeling like fitting in. Use google advanced search.

QFP.

Oh wow! You haven't even made it a month yet and you already wanna quit? Wow! The sad part is some other girl would die to have your spot regardless of chapter numbers. You should have thought about all of these previous commitments before you rushed.

Have you spoken to anyone - at your church or at the sorority - about trying to juggle your time commitments? How many are in your pledge class? (I'm assuming one of the mandatory meetings is a pledge meeting)

How you can talk about being a Christian in one sentence and actually listen to people telling you unfounded rumors is a mystery to me.

Your group probably has some sort of Honor Board who decides if people can be excused from chapter required events. Go talk with them. Explain your situation. BUT before you do, talk also with the appropriate people at your church and see what alternatives are available there. Then when you go talk with HB, you can offer them the alternaties and you might be able to negotiate something that will work for all of you.

I've been reading both of those since Bid Day...I really did want to make the best of what happened. The house that I got into was the one I actually ranked last first round and didn't go back for skit day. They invited me back to Pref Night, which I really did feel honored for - I mean, they didn't see me the day before but still wanted me!? And while I walked away that night thinking, okay that was cool, I walked away from my first choice completely smitten and cried when I found out I wasn't bidded on. I know that there are thousands of girls who go through the same situation and end up happy. I was reading up on our philanthropy last night to try to get excited.
I was honestly excited bc I've never really been the kind of person who feels "wanted" by others...so it felt good that they bid me, you know? In the threads above there's a lot of people who say, my org took a risk on me so I decided to take a risk on it. There's a dark part of me that wonders if, because of their numbers, they didn't really want me, they just had to meet quota? What if they don't even like me that much?
Like I said, I really did this on a whim and now I'm kind of wishing I had done more research. Even if I had gotten into my first choice, they have the same kinds of commitments, so I would still be in this position - even if I was head over heels at first and didn't think about it.
I got along pretty well with my chapter president, so I think I'm going to go ahead and call her and voice some of my concerns and see what happens.

I'm quite shocked that you are willing to give up (because that is what it is) after less than a week. You haven't even given the sisters a chance (you can't try to say you have with less than a week of "pledging" under your belt).
There is a reason that most pledge periods run a minimum of 6 weeks to a semester long. They do this so that you 1. learn about Greek life 2. learn about the house 3. learn about the sorority in general 4. GET TO KNOW THE SISTERS!!!!!
The fact that you are claiming that your a good Christian, but your buying the rumors and what a couple of girls said to you and that is your reason for giving up, well not to Christianly if you ask me.

I might get flames for this, but whatever.

Every chapter wants their members to be involved outside of the chapter. It would make sense for the chapter (struggling or not) to encourage your outside commitments especially if it means that much to you. You may not be the only one in a time conflict. I would suggest holding back on the entire: "we're struggling with numbers are you just sugarcoating this to keep me?"

With RFM (assuming you aren't at Indiana) your chapter had a fairly large pool to choose new members from and you were high enough to be their new member. Even groups that struggle with numbers cut PNMs no matter what anyone says.

:D

While it's fantastic that so many of you are quick to devalue my entire faith life, where do I say I'm a "good" Christian? There ain't no such thing. I'm committed to my religion and the commitments I've made to it are by far the most important thing in my life. I wasn't sure if it would be possible to do both when they're both so emotionally involved and time committed - but really, no, thank you so much for all of your support based on a single anonymous post I made on the internet.
The "rumors" are things that I've been told by friends involved in Greek life who named specific women who were involved in nasty situations. A friend who is in another sorority at the same school and used to be active in my church told me that she didn't know if it would be the healthiest place for me to be. As someone who knows me and other Greek women very well (or at least better than me), it's hard not to weigh in her advice.

Wow. A desperate group of alcoholics.. Sounds like you joined a sorority filled with all my exes.

I kid, I kid.

I'm just not seeing a reason why you can't give this a chance. In another month, you may ultimately decide that this truly isn't for you, but at least try it out. There must have been a good reason why you attended recruitment in the first place...

This...all this...there's absolutely no harm in sticking it out until right before initiation and making the choice then.

As someone from a chapter that struggled I just wanted to say this is true. If they gave you a bid, they wanted you.

Re: your commitment to church... I was involved with my church while I was in my chapter and my faith is very important to me. I did have to adjust my involvement at church, but I believed the tradeoff was worth it. I'm not trying to downplay your commitment to your church, but it should be possible to be in a sorority and also be involved in your church. Thousands of sorority women do it. You might not be able to do the exact same things you do now, but there are other ways to get involved. You could also participate in a Bible study in your chapter or even start one if there are enough women who are interested. Is there something like a Greek InterVarsity on your campus?

Re: the reputation... Give it the full new member period. If you really feel that the chapter is an unhealthy one overall and not just that there are a couple of wild women, then don't go through initiation. But I think you should really give it your best effort for at least a few more weeks.

You only have two years to enjoy a sorority collegiate membership. You have the rest of your life to continue serving at your church. You will also have the rest of your life to enjoy your sorority as an alumna. I would find a way to make it work for the lifelong opportunities.

If faith is important to you, have you approached it from the angle that perhaps you were placed in this chapter for a reason? Maybe there is an element of a "bigger plan?" Maybe there's not, who's to say? However, I do concur with the others that you should consider sticking it out a little longer. Not near enough time has passed to truly know the chapter.

I do know of a situation where a chapter was known to be able to outdrink the boys on campus. "Kegs on legs" was the term used to describe them, and they took that term as a badge of honor. In a matter of just 4 years, the same chapter was known as the ones where all the members were in church on Sunday morning. Things can and do change.

How many of your pledge sisters have you met? There may be others who share similar values to you and may be struggling as well. Heck, the whole pledge class (and the chapter too!) may have a different vibe that what you have been told. Give this some time and base this on YOUR feelings of the chapter- not what others tell you that you should be feeling.

You are not a PNM!

You are a New Member with Potential!

The sororities on the campuses that I am familiar with either hold chapter meetings on Sunday night or Monday night.Chapter meetings generally are mandatory. So are new member meetings. But remember, new member meetings will end with initiation.

If your youth group involvement involves either of those nights, would it be possible to switch the meetings to Sunday afternoon or a different night?

One, it's not about devaluing your religion...but sounding somewhat hypocritical.

Two, I get that you trust your friend, but shouldn't you be making decisions for yourself?

Three, because "specific women" are "involved in nasty situations", you are judging the whole house.

Quite honestly, I think at this point you should quit. You are basing your opinions of this house off of what a friend told you about a small handful of women and you are therefore transferring that rumor to the entire house. You are caught up in the fact that they are a smaller chapter and have struggled (number wise). To me that sounds like you are all about the "looks" of the sorority and not the actual sisterhood, which is pretty shallow. The house deserves a member who WANTS to be there and WANTS to help the chapter become successful.

So basically you're already gossiping about your new sisters to people outside your group. Nice. I'm going to go against the grain here and even my usual advice and say you should quit now. The last thing in the world a struggling chapter needs is a disloyal new member.

Wouldn't it be ironic if someone from her chapter found this post and the chapter dismissed her? Then she would probably turn around and call them a big bunch of meanies for letting her go. Man of only you could script reality.

Well, Christ didn't hang out with the upper class, did he? He lived among the lower class and helped them become better people. Have you stopped to think this may be God's plan for your life - to make a difference with these women - be an example? Think about it. You may be passing up an opportunity He has gien you.

Very well played.

By the time you're a junior, you should have had a reasonable idea of various sorority reputations. I think you're still sore about the fact that you got your second choice.

The sorority is not going to excuse you from mandatory meetings to go to a youth group or teach a church class. So if you're unwilling to try to move the church-related activities around, you should drop out.

:) I love that more NPC GCers have stopped trying to persuade these Negative Nancies to be patient and stick it out. Some of these women are probably doing the NPC sororities a favor by quitting. NPC sororities are too awesome and in demand to waste their time trying to persuade the Negative Nancies.

/Lane swerve

Give it some time. Post-rush emotions are all over the place during these weeks immediately following bid day. To quit now would be a rash decision. Even if you do, ultimately, end up quitting, I do not think you will regret the time spent trying it on for "fit."

Also, since you are a junior, this is it. Would you rather not be Greek at all? Because once you quit, your chance to be included in the Greek community at school, as an adult, as a mom who might hope to have a little xyz someday, all of that is gone.

I like how I made it pretty clear that I had self esteem issues and how great it felt to actually be wanted even when it wasn't my first choice, and everyone spends the rest of the thread saying "you're disgusting, they deserve better than you, quit now!" And you wonder why people don't have a good image of Greek life. Stay classy, ladies.
It's not even that I think I'm "better" than these women or I think they're some kind of harlots (but it's awesome that mentioning I was a Christian immediately made everyone think I was hardcore judging these girls for their personal decisions) - it's that I don't know if I can fit in with them, and I don't even know if I am cut out for Greek life as a whole. Less than 2% of my campus is Greek, and I'm just now understanding what I've really gotten myself into. I'm sure there are girls who would love to be in my spot, and if I did leave, maybe someone in COB would take my place who would immediately adore this chapter.
There is some great advice on here, and I'm seeing some of my sisters tomorrow, so I think I will bring up with the older girls that I have a lot of other commitments (my church isn't the only one) and I'm not sure if I can really devote myself here and see if they can help me out. We'll see how that, and my whole new member period, goes.
But really, thank you so much for all encouraging advice. I wasn't sure I was cut out for Greek life. Seeing some of the attitudes on here, maybe I'm just not.

I think some people are being unnecessarily hard on you. Take what they say in stride and do what's best for you. You probably will not be permitted to miss all of those meetings, and you shouldn't want to! Chapter and new member meetings are exciting and interesting and a very essential part of Greek life. It's understandable that you have a commitment to your church that you are not willing to give up, but if you don't mind my asking, then why did you go through recruitment? Did you not anticipate it would come with some time commitments as well? I hope you decide to stay. I think you probably fit in with your chapter better than you think. They picked you! That means there is something special about you that they saw. In my chapter, a few of the officers were people that the chapter saw something in that they didn't see in themselves. College is a trying time. You're coming of age and learning who you are. I can honestly say my sisters shaped who I have become. I'm a junior as well, and so happy that I decided to spend my college years in a sorority. You will be better for it. I assure you. Good luck, dear!

As someone who had doubts about going Greek (and for a short while after pledging, had doubts about staying Greek, too), I don't think that what you're experiencing -- worrying about fitting in, etc -- is particularly unusual, and to an extent I understand it.

What sort of rubs me the wrong way, though, is that you sound like you've basically made up your mind about your chapter already. It just sounds as if you've already decided that this chapter and these girls are not for you. It's also just sort of puzzling to me that you would go through rush "on a whim" despite apparently having numerous other time commitments. Maybe that should have been something you thought through a bit more before going through the process.

In my opinion, if you think there is a chance you could manage to do both your church activities and your sorority activities and you are willing to get to know the members of your chapter and have an open mind about Greek life, then you should give it some time and go through the new member period. But if you're sure you don't have time to be in a sorority, or you don't have an interest in ignoring a few rumors and trying to form bonds with the members of your chapter, then you should depledge, because you're wasting your chapter's time as well as your own.

This board can have some very negative vibes. I'm sorry you hit them so quickly; it does present a poor impression of our sisterhoods. But people are people, and there will be those no matter where you go, so ....

I might recommend when you bring up the issue with your sisters, you not approach it as "I'm not sure if I can really devote myself here" but rather "I'm trying to figure out how to balance all these commitments." Please be willing to compromise on both sides -- if church commitments can not be fulfilled at different times from chapter commitments, you will have to make that choice. The chapter is not likely to change its meeting times to meet one individual's schedule, but your volunteer commitments perhaps could change. I'm not trying to prioritize for you, but am asking you to approach it from a "how can I make it work" perspective.

Um, I'm pretty sure no one said you were disgusting. You came on asking for advice. You also came on with an attitude. You may not like the advice, but we aren't going to sugar coat it for you. You aren't going to get people here being "oh yes sweetie...poor you...they are so mean...those meanies not giving you your first choice...etc..." We are going to tell you the facts.

What is disgusting is your attitude, which has nothing to do with self-esteem. You have already made, via a preconceived notion, that this chapter isn't right for you. You have a negative attitude about it. And as my awesome sister, adpiucf, pointed out, you are still upset that you didn't get your first choice.

Look, I get the last feeling, not getting your first choice (or getting what you wanted) sucks. We have all been there. But as humans we don't always get what we want and we have to get over it and move on. What is irking people is the fact that you do have these preconceived notions that you are placing upon the chapter as a whole. You are looking at what a couple of girls do and saying to yourself "the whole chapter must do this". This isn't true.

The reality is, every chapter is going to have the girls that party hard, the girls who sleep around, the brainiacs, the bitches, the sweeties. This is life. Not everyone has the same personalities, opinions, morals or ethics as those around them. That is also what makes a chapter exciting! You aren't going to find that everyone is just a drone.

You said that you appreciated that this chapter made you feel wanted. Why aren't you hanging on to that feeling? This chapter WANTED you!!!!!! If you can't or aren't willing to give all of yourself, get rid of your negative opinions that you have formed after one week, start anew, and actually make an effort to get to know the sisters, then what people are saying is right, you should quit. The chapter doesn't deserve a sister who doesn't really want to be there.

You also need to understand that you were wanted in both chapters but you were higher on your current chapters bid list than the other chapter's bid list. When it comes to matching, the system does want to give girls their top choices, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Think about those girls who didn't get matched at all (unless your school has a guaranteed placement if you maximize your options, which I think most schools are going too).

I don't know if maybe you are conflicted about all your other interests and activities and how it will work with a sorority. I can tell you that you can make it work. The chapter I used to advise is on a really small campus (like 3000 students). The girls are involved in multiple (and I mean multiple) activities. They made it work. They became experts and managing their time (when it came to their activities). As people have stated, you won't be able to miss mandatory events because of a church meeting or youth group. I'm sure most sororities only allow you to miss mandatory events for class or emergencies. You would really need to talk to your new member educator about that.

I still stand by my previous opinion that if you can't give 110%, and get rid of your negative attitude and your preconceived notions about the chapter, then you should quit.

Only you can decide.

Well there are two different issues here, a. time conflict and b. concerned about your sorority's reputation. Some people's responses focus on just one of the issues, so don't think that someone telling you to stop being so judgy is saying so because of the time conflict or whatever.

As for a., what did you expect people to say? Mandatory meetings are mandatory, we can't change that. My NM class of 20 was able to find a time that worked for all of us, but if yours can't do that then they've got to go with the time that works best for everyone. Chapter is chapter and it's not going anywhere. None of us know if you can make the mandatory meetings not mandatory.

As for b., saying that you're worried because someone told you stuff is a lame reason to say your sisters are wild. And no actually, it's not hard to ignore a reputation when you take the time to get to know your sisters and then realize that it's completely wrong. Comments like "I don't know if I'm cut out to be a sister" don't make much sense because that could be for any number of reasons, spanning anywhere from "I'm secretly a guy" to "I don't want to put in the effort to create these bonds". We don't know you, we can't give you step-by-step instructions on what to do here.

This is the Internet. We only know as much as you put out there. So no, dropping a hint that you were happy to be wanted is not going to make most people go "this girl has low self esteem I should be really nice to her!!!" This isn't about you personally, posters have no idea who you are. There's a chance for each of us that you're talking badly about our sisters and that is something that is universally no bueno.

Something tells me that if the OP had indeed gotten a bid from her first choice, the conflicting schedule with church wouldn't be an issue. You can find a way to still be involved with church. New member meetings don't last forever, but chapter/sisterhood meetings are necessary. She had to have thought about that possibility when going through recruitment.

I think you are right.

OP - Honestly, if you already know that your other activities will conflict with chapter meetings you should probably depledge now. I don't think it'll get easier once your a full sister and required at even more events than you would be as a new member. Many chapters fine sisters that miss require events. If your unhappy now, imagine having to shell out cash on top of everything.

I think you are right. Is it horrible that my opinion is that she should just go ahead and quit now, so that her sorority might be able to pick up a girl to fill her spot right away (hopefully a girl that actually wants it) and the new girl can be initiated right along with the rest of the new members?

To the OP: As DGTess suggested, I hope you can make it work.

The sisters of your new chapter chose to connect with you because you have qualities they require and respect. What you choose to give them in return as a sister is up to you. :)

^^^This is said absolutely perfectly.