Received a blatant B-list invitation BY PHONE BY PROXY, what to do?
 

Background: My husband and the groom became friends in grade school and have kept in touch. MIL and the groom's mother are BFFs. The groom met a woman and they're getting married in October.

The planned celebrations are ...
- Bachelor party in Vegas, to which my husband was invited. We know the man planning the bachelor party, and he would make "Californication" look like a church picnic. DH turned him down as he is not into hookers and coke.
- Bachelorette party and/or shower - I don't know if these are happening, as I don't know the bride and I would therefore be excluded.
- Engagement party (here's where the shit hits the fan)
- Wedding in October.

The RSVP date for the engagement party was August 5. On August 8, we got a phone call from my MIL, who'd gotten a call from the mother of the groom. We were all suddenly invited to the engagement party and the wedding.

Today (August 9) we received a formal invitation to the wedding. The postmark read August 6.

The groom's family is playing the "your invitation must have gotten lost in the mail" card. Funny how my in-laws' invitation got "lost in the mail" too. The USPS is not THAT incompetent!

What to do? We've already RSVP'd yes to the engagement party and plan on attending the wedding. I am sorely tempted to skimp on the gift, but that would only hurt the groom (I couldn't give two shits about the bride or her family or the groom's family). Perhaps I could ship them something via Am@zon and have it get "lost in the mail"? *evil*

I'm a big fan of the donation to a charity they care about in their name. That way, they get nothing, but can't bitch about it.

Your mother in law is best friends with the groom's mom? Think of this as your opportunity to score major points with your mil. You are the lady here: go to the shower/engagement/wedding. Buy one nice present. Give the present at the shower in front of both ladies. You will get major props from the mother of the groom (Why couldn't my son have such a terrific woman?) and your husband's mother.

You have the opportunity to be the best woman standing.

this is a good idea but the evil in me would be way more drawn to DBB's idea...

Ellebud you are my hero, . . . and you need an advice column.

Sounds like the mother of the groom and groom were pissed when they found out y'all were not invited. I would especially thinkso if your MIL and the groom's mom are BFFs and she didnt get an invite either. I wouldn't take it too personally. Mistakes happen with wedding planning.

I can't give a gift at the shower (if there even is one) because I was excluded. But there is the engagement party . . .

And this was no mistake. The MOG has been blabbing for months about how this was going to be the wedding of the century, they were pulling out all the stops, it's black tie (meaning DH will have to rent a tux) and "we're really looking forward to seeing you there if there's room for you". :rolleyes: And the RSVP date for the engagement party (for which we never did receive a formal snail-mailed invitation) was August 5, and the wedding invitation was postmarked August 6. I smell a very large rat.

Ugh, and we're probably going to be seated with my in-laws.

Start the Tanqueray IV now.

;) aephi alum, I highly recommend not devoting this much thought and frustration to something that really has little to do with you. It is their wedding, they are not even an official part of your family, so let them be the ones thinking and being frustrated about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that pertains to their wedding.

Attend what you're invited to if you give half of a darn, contribute a donation or gift that does not surpass your monthly budget, and be done with it. You have more important things to devote attention to.

I agree. :)

My boyfriend and I had a very similar situation. The groom loved scotch. We got him a very nice bottle of it and ignored the fact that the bride does not like alcohol.

I would not be offended by this.

For my nephew's wedding, they sent out the first round of invites & had to wait for RSVP's. As they started getting "No's", they would send out more invites. They only had so much space & if everyone they wanted to invite (even the distant relatives) came, there would not have been enough room at the venue.

Of course I was in the first round because I was the favorite Aunt !!!! :D

I'm not really a baby shower, wedding, (insert other formality) person. If these events must occur, and I am a mere attendee, they need to occur with as little of my time and effort as possible.

If the purpose was to make him happy, COOL but you know that could spark a couple's argument.

If the purpose was to piss her off, UNCOOL and you all put forth more mental effort than necessary.

At the end of the day, the couple is responsible for their quirks and arguments. But, I firmly believe that all outsiders (including family members) need to remain outsiders. Sometimes that means not attending an event or playing the backseat if necessary. Choose whatever you (in general) choose and be done with it.

No it wouldn't spark an argument. She doesn't like the taste of alcohol and is fine with the groom drinking.

Cool.

"...and ignored the fact that the bride does not like alcohol" can mean many things.

I agree with Dr.Phil. Go, eat their food, drink their wine, enjoy their music and don't spend any time worrying about any slights. You're already married, so you don't have to worry about whether or not you'd have to invite them to your wedding.

FWIW, we know of TWENTY people who never received their wedding invitations to our wedding! There could be more, but those people could have been insulted and didn't say anything. We were both mortified.

One was a groomsman, who finally did receive his invitation - a month after the wedding! So, YES, the post office is quite capable of messing up invitations!

My husband and I did this. Didn't work out quite like we would have liked because the RSVPs didn't come back that quickly, but we were able to add in people we wanted to add.

But OMG, DISCRETION PLEASE! (not your nephew, DZsis&mom) We sure as heck didn't say "we hope to see you IF there's room to invite you"!!!! We also didn't brag about it being the party of the century - cause it wasn't, it was small to begin with. Hold your tongue if you're not sure if you can invite someone.

You can always make a donation in their name to the Human Fund.

People tend to lose all sense of civility, manners and sanity when it comes to weddings. If you do go, promise yourself to have a good time. If you can't see yourself having fun and being able to get past the situation, do yourself a favor plan a night out with your hubby or your friends, crack a bottle of wine, and don't give the wedding another thought.

I was SO waiting for this!

I say go and have a good time. Drink their drink, eat their food, and have a good ol time wih hubby. So what if you weren't on the A-list? You aren't even that close withe the couple. I agree with whoever said to to have a good time and buy a moderately priced gift.

Don't even buy a new outfit. Wear what you have and have a good time. Even if you decide not to go, it's not the end of the world.

Ps I thought this was a rush/recruitment thread based on the title. Just me?

Nope me too.

Give the wedding present at the engagement party. One and done!

Unless the couple has a charity listed a donation "in their name" comes off as snarky.

One of my dearest friends (an AEPhi alum as am I) is giving a wedding next spring. She is under very tight space constraints. I already know that the majority of the guest list is comprised of friends of the bride and groom from out of town. All the young people say that they are coming. Probably not. I am on the B List. I don't care. If a space opens H and I will, if we are free that night, go to the wedding. I'm not hurt. (But I do give great gifts.)

I think it's odd your husband was invited to the Bachelor Party but not the wedding...initially. No one should be invited to the pre-wedding events without also being invited to the wedding.

The MOG has no tact...she should't be discussing the wedding with/around anyone who might not be invited. If I was in your shoes, I would have declined the invitation, saying I had already made other plans for the day.

Also, an engagement party is supposed to be held very shortly after the bride and groom become engaged, for people to celebrate the good news. It makes no sense when it's so close to the wedding.

You've all given me some great advice...

We are planning to attend the engagement party and the wedding, enjoy the food and drink, and give a rather smaller gift than we otherwise would. It's not being B-listed that's bothering me as much as the fact that the MOG was so OBVIOUS about it... going on and on about how wonderful the wedding was going to be and then saying "maybe" we'd be invited. IMO, she should have kept mum until she either (a) knew they'd be able to invite us, at which point she could have told us about the venue and warned us it would be black tie (as DH has to make arrangements now to rent a tux), or (b) knew they wouldn't be able to invite us, in which case she could have said something like, "Unfortunately, the venue was very small and the bride has a huge immediate family."

I don't think your husband has to go to the bother and expense of renting a tux. Just wear a dark suit and call it a day. The MOG's rude manners don't warrrant the effort and money of a rental.

OK..MOG...classless. You are totally correct. You however are one classy broad. And your husband does NOT have to rent a tuxedo. First, look for super sales if it is in your time frame. (My son bought his $1500 tuxedo for $345 at a final call sale at Bloomingdales.) And here, a part of town with a fair number of black tie events, many men dark a nice dark suit with a really nice tie, shirt and pocket square.

We must have posted at the same time...outstanding advice.:)

Jinx!:p

It's issues like this that make me never want to get married.

Two Seinfeld references on Greekchat in the same day?! Awesome.

And I agree. I love weddings, but everyone makes it about THEM. At my brother's wedding a few months ago, my aunt turned to me during their first dance and said, "I hate that these dances seem to go on forever. They should cut the song off halfway through." Ugh. Shut up. My brother sat through your first dance a few years back, now you should do the same for him.

A wedding is about the BRIDE and GROOM. It's amazing how many people forget that.

And if someone that you don't really care that much for just happens to "offend" you in a minor way, be the bigger person, brush it off, and move on with your life.

People can invite whoever they want. Quite frankly, I want to invite no one to my wedding.

Vegas, baby!

A-freaking-men. At one point, I was so sick of the wedding planning that I joked that we should elope. In front of my MIL. Big mistake. Cue MIL tantrum. "I ***WILL*** BE AT ***MY SON'S WEDDING*** !!!!!!!!!!" (whine, whine, lie on floor kicking and screaming - I kid you not - my MIL is a toddler in a 65yo body)

Again, a-freaking-men.

Why does this not even seem like a Thing to me?

First off, I see the donation thing as being deliberately snarky and more than a little catty. I get joy from picking out wedding gifts for my friends--usually I stick to the registry but I have gone off-script for something that I know the bride/groom really want or need (ie., Lowe's Gift Card to my BFF and his wife, who spend all their free money on their home remodel). Making a donation to someone to deny them a gift is sanctimonious.

Secondly, I like Ellebud's advice. Go, get a gift, and call it a day. Also, the MOG may have been talking out of her ass about y'all being invited anyhow. She may have had no clue about the venue, what it could hold, or who her son and his bride were obligated to invite. It seems that, unless they're paying for all of it, the groom's side ends up getting shafted in terms of guests anyway.

Third, weddings can bring out the rudeness and cattiness in not only the guests, and the party, but also the bride and groom as well. I have never seen so many scores settled by brides/grooms excluding people from invites, seating arrangements, and the like under the guise of "well, it's all about us!" Rudeness is never acceptable, even when it is "your day."

You aren't the only one. :D

Uh, that's the point. I'm sorry, I don't believe in B-list guests. Someone is either important to you, and you find a way to put them on your list, or they aren't. You don't get to have it both ways. This case is especially egregious because hubby was invited to the bachelor party.

THIS is the problem. To most people invited = important/loved/the best, and not invited = why are we even friends?

Sometimes it's too expensive.. Or the couple wants a small wedding.. Or someone is forgotten.. Or whatever. There could be a million different reasons why someone isn't invited, but that doesn't automatically mean they're not important to the couple.

Or hell, maybe they aren't important, and they were purposely left off. Oh well! I stick with my point.. Get over it and move on.

No, that's fine. You can leave people off your guest list. I know plenty of people who have had small weddings. If you are fine with someone not being there, then don't invite them. The problem is not excluding people, it's a) inviting someone to the bachelor party and not the wedding, b) sending someone a last-minute invitation, and c) talking about the wedding at length in front of people who weren't (at the time) invited. Do you not see how those things are rude?

It's ridiculous how many people think that planning a wedding means they can treat other people any way they want, and then the guests are supposed to just suck it up and show up smiling.

I didn't say the bride and groom can treat people like crap. But people get bent out of shape about stupid things, and usually it's in regards to people they never cared that much for to begin with.

So again I say.. Who cares?

And hell, they could have said, "Oh, it got lost in the mail," when in reality, they made a mistake and forgot to send it. I know I've done that before.

Besides, it was the mother of the groom who apparently was being the b****, but now you're going to screw over the bride and groom and give them a gift they can't even use? If that's the case, don't even bother to show up.

I really don't think its that. In the weddings I've been involved in, it was a matter of cost. The couple wanted to invite "everyone", but couldn't afford it. They had to budget for everything.

When you invite people to your wedding you have to factor in the cost per person. Even if you are having a small wedding, there is still a cost to everything.

The idea of an "A" list and "B" list is to make sure who is coming, and the couple can afford to have them there. If some one from the "A" list can't come, then someone from the "B" list will get the invite, and hopefully that person can come. Doing it this way, if the couple has budgeted for 150 people, they can still reach that number and not risk going over. One of the worst things to happen at a wedding is to run out of food!

I don't see a problem with it especially since I have a really big family and there is an obligation to invite family first. I would think the priorities would be a) relatives, b) friends of the bride & groom, c) friends of the parents. If it is a traditional situation where the bride's family is paying for almost everything, then her family/friends/parents' friends may have to be on the list first, even if the groom's mother really wants someone there. Sometimes there are people you have to invite out of obligation even though there are others you really would rather have there. It is difficult to know the attitude behind the B list. B list could be "well, we'll invite them if there is space but we don't care if they are there" or it could be "We really hope enough of the obligatory invites don't come so we can include these people"

I can't believe I'm going to disagree with you and ellebud, but as a husband that would make me feel very uncomfortable, unless I knew for a fact that lots of guys were going to do it. The whole point of stating the appropriate attire is so that people know what to expect and won't feel overdressed or underdressed. I would go with the tux, not out of any sense of obligation to the MOG but for my own comfort at the wedding.

But like ellebud said, I'd buy one. Very good tuxes can be got very cheaply -- often for the price of just a few rentals -- and then you have one.

Of course, I was a music major, so I've had a tux since I was a freshman in college. (Unfortunately for my waistline, not the same one.) Having one seems natural to me.

I completely agree. Buy a tux...they look better, are tailored to your fit and cost less in the long run. My husband got a Calvin Klein tux for the cost of two rentals about 3 years ago and has used it at least 5 times now. You also save time having to run out and rent tuxedos in the future.