HOOKING UP! Gentlemen in your opinion...(ladies ya can read on too I suppose...)
 

Another excellent topic of conversation came up over some room temperature Guiness draft (really the only way to have it), last night in good ol Brooklyn NY(YEAH BOYEEEE!!!) Anyways, the question is this...boys...

could you ever have respect for and/or potentially go out (long term) with a girl who would put out on the first date?

The votes were split between the guys on this one. I was one of the realists who said that if a girl is going to hook up on the first date she either a) wants that and only that from you or b) hopes it will lead to something else if she does do that. While I couldn't disrespect someone for hooking up with me (that would be a dick move) I'm not so sure i'd want to make a long term thing with someone who WOULD do that on a first date, just doesn't make me feel that our interaction meant anything at all.

The other guys in the group had opinions ranging from "nothing wrong with a little bootay" to "I'm NEVER marrying a girl who would blow me on the first date."

So guys, what's your take. And girls, well, at least wait till the guys have had their say before you become violent.

And....we're off!

:p

Well . . .

All women that I date should be willing to have sex on the first night, although I understand that the opportunity might not be there. ITs disturbing to think she wouldn't be willing if the situation and mood were correct. Why would she play a game like that?

I mean I certainly would be willing on the first date with the right mood and location, and I would hate to embrace a double standard or play the girl by holding out ;)

As far as respecting her, I never really thought about it.

I have had some friends say they would date/go out with (which necessitates respect) a girl that had sex (or oral sex) with them on the first date . . . but would never marry them.

Actually I have heard that a lot from guys, the never marry response. I had a friend thatw as dating a girl for over 3 years and told me point blank he would never ever marry her because she had sex with the first night.

Personally, no. I wouldnt. A kiss on the first date is as far as I will go if I think there is some potential. I have a 3 or 4 date rule, maybe longer, just depends when the time is right.

Now if I am really drunk, I tend to forget about rules..:cool:

That depends on how good it is. ;)

A girl does no put out all by her lonesome. So if a guy is going to hold it against her; he's a big ole hypocrite! :mad: And if he's a hypocrite; she shouldn't want him for a long term relationship. It's a viscious circle. :(

So true! :D

You ladies are entirely unfair because you yourselves created and perpetuated the idea of negative reputations based on sexual activity . . .

So there! Take that!

AS I have said before and will say again. I have never met a girl with a bad rep that wasn't originally given her by other girls.

Thats true, but the guy doesnt have to marry himself.....

I say if she looks for it at the first date, thats all she wants. But it depends, with beer I have been known to go with it, lol.

I think it's all a matter of "timing"

The vast majority of the time when you meet someone, things proceed step by step...

1. You figure out each other's name, hometown, major, all the normal details.

2. You decide whether or not that person is "attractive" to you. I don't mean in a snotty "I demand supermodel girlfriends" kind of way, I mean whether or not there's chemistry.

3. You spend some "bonding" time together. This might start at a traditional "dinner and movie" first date or even just a conversation in the corner of a bar or at a party. This is the "getting to know them" part. Building emotional connections.
3(a) You get to know each other better and form a stronger emotional connection (this step continues, indefinitely)

4. You get physically involved. A kiss. Then more kissing.

4(a) You get more physically involved. Stuff your mother doesn't want to know about. ;)

The prpblems arise when you rush to step 4 (or actually step 4(a)).

For example, if you were friends with the other person for awhile, then it often makes sense to get to the fun stuff in step 4 earlier. You've already established a foundation.

However, if either person is just hooking up without the emotional attachment(skipping 3 and 3(a)), things can get out of wack. The connection is purely physical and that rarely is a solid foundation.

Even if you were friends first, you still need to establish some emotional connection in the romantic sense to lay that foundation.

These steps aren't defined by time, they're defined by what's going on in your head and your heart. Some couples will take weeks, months or years before they feel ready to enjoy the full potential of step 4(a). Others will meet and feel an intense emotional connection that day.

The trick is to not rush ahead of the other person - if you're feeling an emotional connection and they aren't yet, then if you rush into hooking up, it's going to be really hard for them to build that emotional connection later.

The truth that is so hard to admit is that we KNOW when it's just sex, and when it's something more. James is right, sometimes it IS appropriate for things to move pretty fast. Those are the stories you hear where they had sex the first night and then dated forever and got married. But a lot of the time, anything really early (i.e. getting nekkid first date), is not the emotional connection type.

Regarding the Lewinsky type of sex in the first night, in my opinion, that's even MORE likely to be purely physical. That's where the girl refuses to have sex (knowing intuitively the lack of emotional connection) and then offers that as some kind of backup option, hoping that it will make the guy happy.

The only times I've rushed to "step 4" ;) and not expected just a purely physical relationship was when I was good friends-with-mutual-romantic-liking with the other party for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong time (in the cases I'm speaking of, like a year both times) before deciding to make the romantic interest thing "official" so there was already a solid emotional connection there...

Anywho, I have to agree that it's a double standard to be like "Ok, I'll sleep with this girl on the first date, but if she agrees to it, that means she's not worthy of me"....wtf? Typical gender stereotype double standard bullshit. Takes two to tango, and the guy's a hypocrite if he looks down on a female for doing the same thing he's doing...

:eek: You so horny. :eek:

Personally, I go into the first date expecting nothing will happen physically, just a chance to flirt, see if you're really into the girl and to see if she's gonna be there for the second date (where I start to get hopes up).

If something happens, cool. If not, then oh well, there will be time. I don't lose any respect for the girl cause hey, I was there too after all. Then again, I'm not really the "booty call" type, so if I go out with the girl I want the relationship.

If a girl sleeps with me on the first date, I wont go out with her again. If she doesn't sleep with me on the first date I definitely wont go out with her again!

Do you A.D.I.D.A.S? Do you think about anything else?

Ok, I realize this wasn't you James,... but how can anyone invest 3 years in a relationship knowing that they won't ever take it further because of something that, in the big picture, is rather trivial? :eek: :confused: I mean, why waste his time with a relationship? Why not just keep her as a booty call.

I have to agree with everyone saying that it's hypocritical to dump a girl for the same thing you are doing. And it's obviously not just girls' putting that double standard out there (it actually goes way back in history, but let's not go on about it.) It's one thing to have sex on the 1st date and think it was "just a hook up", and so not pursue the relationship.

I doubt I would ever (and have not to this point) have sex on a first date. As others have mentioned, sometimes things are more "right"... and then sometimes there's your friend alchohol ;) helping you out. But it's a big "no" in my book.

G8Ralphaxi, you are so right. The precise timing is less important; the question is whether an emotional / spiritual bond exists. Some couples build that bond over months or years; some build it in an evening. (And others just forget about it, hook up, have some no-strings-attached sex, and that's the end of it.)

Yeah, you're right, it would be different with a friend. BUT I'd be even more wary of my actions, because now I'm dealing with someone i may actually care about and not want to ruin an already established relationship with, as opposed to the girl in the bar that's most likely hit or miss. Whether I hit or miss with a friend, i'm going to most likely have some pretty decent sized consequences either way. And if I would have felt like a jerk for making a stupid move with a virtual stranger, imagine how it would be with a long time friend. This is most DEFINETLY a situation to avoid.

Sheez man, live a little, take a risk without fear of the consequences and let the chips fall where they will!

Ever broken someones heart before and actually had a conscience about it bro?

I'm all for actions, but throwing caution to the wind and not being careful with this type of shit is just not my style. Although, it would be nice to not have to worry about how ya come off but then, I'm way too image conscious to do that. That's my problem I suppose but hey...whateva!

While I agree with that to a certain extent, in no way would I apply that logic to this topic....
If were to only effect one person, fine. But unless its purely a one night stand, you are effecting someone else, and by "living alittle" you might throw a 3rd party in the mix if she happens to get prego.. Now you just opened a WHOLE nother can-o-worms just so you could live alittle.

While I might not put too much worth on what others think of me(aside from friends and familly), I have to live with myself and what I think.

In this context we are not talking about disease etc. We are talking about not taking the counsel of our fears in regards to whether we risk our current friendship to see if we can take the relationship to a new level.

There is nothing mercenary about it, there is just not being so blinded by what you perceive might go wrong (with the friendship/love affair) that you take no action and miss a golden opportunity.

Not deciding is deciding. Not going forward means deciding to stay in place or drift behind.

I get your point cap'n, but I'd personally forgo(sp?) the "golden opportunity" of getting some ass with a friend tonight just so I could have my personal and emotional issues in order when i wake up in the morning. Again, this is just my opinion, because I wouldn't necessarily fault a guy for taking the opportunity.

PKT, you're a good guy. Unless you're just copying these little comments from some Hallmark card somewhere. ;)

Keep the idealism, my friend! Don't let the cynics get you!

James, there is a HUGE difference between "missing a golden opportunity" by not rushing things, and waiting until you're sure the time is right because you value a friendship/that other person, etc.

If waiting for sex keeps me and the guy on better emotional grounds and preserves a friendship, then I will HAPPILY stay frustrated.

I think sex is great. Sex is beautiful. Sex is wonderful. But it is also VERY good at screwing (pun intended! :p) things beyond belief!

Well . . . :rolleyes:

1. There is almost NEVER a good time both people agree on.

2. You will never know until you try.

3. So try!


James

PS. Please, please, please, be brave?:)

Please be brave?

I like that.

I've always looked at it as going out on a limb. And it is. With some people that moment comes much sooner than others.

My ex husband and I slept together on our first date. And no, that had nothing to do w our breakup!!

Basically, if I feel it and its appropriate, why not? If I don't, if we haven;t connected on that level that makes me feel like its good to go, then we wait---could be 3-4 dates, could be 3-4 months-depends on the situation.

I cAN say for sure though, that the future mr. amycat will not have any hang ups about this and will be in sync with me--if we feel like having sex on the first date, we will, if we don't we'll wait--but there will be no judgements or hang ups about it.

I believe in love at first sight. So yeah, I could serioiuslly date someoen that started out as a one night stand.

NEVER would I have had sex on the first date and I don't believe things have changed all that much. So let's put the shoe on the other foot. This is what we called the "physical reacton" test.

You are with a guy and the two of you are at a point where you either go forward or back off.(Everybody has their clothes on!) This is what we looked for.
1. Controled but heavey breathing.
2. trembling
3. Increased heart beat
4. Dry mouth/sweaty hands
5. The big "Hellooooooo" sign.
When these "symptoms" were present and the guy had the strength to say something like "Are you busy tomorrow?" or "Can I call you?" without trying to go any farther...that's when we knew we were with someone who was looking for more than a quickie. If the attraction was mutual, he was the guy we went home wondering about-what it would be like. The guy who came on like a Don Juan was not to be trusted because we knew he had polished his approach and that's all it was...an approach.
These were the musings of some college girls in the '70's, but there's still some truth in it today.

JUST A MOM--that is GREAT advice and seriously made me laugh. I am not really sure where I stand on this issue but I do agree that while sex is really fun, it also can really complicate things. I guess you need to decide before you do it, where you are wanting this to go and if you are going to be able to take it if he never calls again. I know that personally, I am pretty fragile on stuff like that, so I always set myself up for the worst, as not to have my heart completely broken by surprise. But I have also never slept with a guy I just met, so maybe thats why I can still feel that way. I pass NO judgement on anyone, though. I think you know how to live your life better than anyone else and trusting in your own decisions is the best way. Do what you know is best for you and everything else will fall into place

I like Justamom's advice. I've never had a one night stand or put out on the first date, and I haven't missed a thing except perhaps some heartache. I think that it is better to be safe than sorry.

As long as you're emotionally ready for whatever happens and comfortable with your decisions (and being SAFE), whatever floats your boat = my philosophy.

You cant love unless you give it a chance. It would really depend on the two people I guess. I'd never hold it against(no commitment) a girl if we had sex on the first night. If it feels right and you both connect why fight it. :) But then I must admit you are taking a risk.

Okay, but say it with me. Its not MUCH better to be safe than sorry. Take on me. I'll be gone in a day or two.

In seventh grade(Seems like yrs ago, but it was only 7) I went to a Christian school. My teacher(Male) said we females should carry a mini Bible with us when we date- apparently he did this with his daughter who was 16. Once in the car place the Bible between the two of you bc then the guy would have to pass Peter, Paul, etc to get to you-then he isn't worth it if he trys-I can't remember his theory,but basically keep the distance.
I never did that.
I think the hardest part about sex is once you've had it you want it again and again. How I wish to be a virgin!!!!

that is so true! and not only that you want it again and again, but its just EASIER to keep on doing it after you've already done it once because you don't have the sanctity of virginity stopping you

I'm not going to agree with either side. I am sure there is a time and place for everything and what happens, happens for a reason.

I do think that prejudging any situation can be dangerous. I have never met a guy that I had that much of a connection with....but I have never met Brad Pitt, Tom Criuse...etc.

Cannot say I wouldn't until I'm married and wouldn't consider having another relationship...and for the guys, I have never met a man who didn't want to on the first date...it also depends on age. In high school couples waited years, college shorter, after college, it coudl be before dinner!

IF you have never tried it, how would you know if you missed something or not? ;)

I am not saying all girls but many girls do get emotionally attached to someone that they sleep with. To have a one-night stand with someone and then have them ignore you the next day would be absolutely heartwrenching. That is why many girls opt not to have one. I think that's what Cream meant when she said she'd rather spare herself the heartache.

That's what I meant.

its nice to see some women have heart