"Don't Say ___ To Grandma!"
 

Do you guys have certain things that you can't mention in front of relatives or they'll be off on a 20-minute rant or memory trip and you're stuck listening?

We couldn't say "Sears" in front of my grandmother or she'd start carrying on about how she hated the place. We never found out what her original gripe was. We couldn't mention the Kennedys in front of my dad or he'd go off.

We can't say "yearbook" in front of my husband or he'll pull his out and be off on a memory trip, pointing out strangers to us for hours and hours and...you get it! It's amazing how fast I can get halfway down the street while he's pulling the books out, or how fast grown children can get behind doors or under beds.

What about y'all?

Mentioning President Obama is a great way to start a fight with my folks and their friends.

My grandmother loves going on tirades about the evils of alcohol. Her current mission is to prevent my cousin and her future husband from serving any alcohol whatsoever at their wedding reception (champagne toast included).

This past Christmas my dad and uncle decided to exchange bottles of wine at the get together my grandmother was hosting. Yeah...that didn't go over well with her.

We can't talk about what the role of art is. It always ends up being a 3-4 hour discussion, and I want to buy earplugs and earmuffs, because I've heard the same argument 15 times before.

I have some friends with whom I can't say that I like my college town, because I go to college in the Midwest, which means it's not as good as any southern college. *facepalm*

1. Never, EVER extol the virtues of any musical genre other than classical in front of my uncle. I tried to explain that rock can be high-quality and exceptional. Psh. Talking to a wall!

2. I have an aunt with whom you can't discuss Hollywood (actors and such, that is) because she'll talk your ear off about how messed up she thinks it all is. *eyeroll*

3. Just don't disagree with some of my relatives. I have a few who can't be wrong.

1) Never mention Oklahoma City to my brother-in-law. He had one bad experience on a business trip there, and he goes into a tirade about how horrible the city is whenever anyone even mentions the city in passing.

2) Don't bring up the Cubs to my husband or my brothers unless you want to hear hours of discussion about how much they hate the team, the fans, Wrigley Field, you name it.

Sometimes you can be out of Grandma's sight but in view of the person who's about to say ____ and they go and say ____ anyway even though people are dancing up and down mouthing, "No! No!"

My mother, who will only attend Latin Mass, will go on a tirade if someone starts talking about the Catholic Church (as it is today).

Fatima. That's it. Just that one word is enough to set her off.

Hey now.. even Charles Barkley who a couple years ago called OKC a vast wasteland with no black folks has changed his tune during the recent Western Finals.

Your husband sounds like a pretty cool guy :D

WALMART.

My daughter's great-great-aunt (her father's side) is a past union president. You know how it is.

Each time we send her developed pictures of the baby we line-out the Walmart indicator on the backs of the photos.

I actually like OKC. To honk off the bil, I like to mention how much I loved my meals at Ranch Steakhouse. Sends him into orbit, which is comical dinner entertainment:D

He really is the greatest guy ever! I'm very lucky. I forgot this little tidbit: When our kids were born, his sister sent Cubs onesies. Needless to say, they were promptly returned for Sox gear.

In recent years, I had this boss who as he aged, became obsessed with his family history. He kept huge scrapbooks and photo albums and would try to get us into his office to discuss all this. On one hand, we liked him and felt sorry for him because we knew he was lonely; on the other hand, you could get stuck in there for over an hour as he recounted the glory days of the "Smiths".

Then some of the more evil employees started setting each other up. Say, I would come in and the cop on duty might yell down the hall: "Mr. Smith! Dr. Carnation is here and she wants to hear your latest finds on the Smith historyyyy!" and I would accidentally on purpose kick the cop's wastebasket over as I stalked down the hall, sure to be victimized again.

Would you believe that some employees would climb into their windows in the morning to avoid him?

Heh. Mentioning George W Bush has a similar effect with my MIL.

I always hear good things about that place. I live in its general vicinity, but it's hard to beat a home-cooked steak.

The list of what would set off my grandmother is simply too long to number. It took me years to figure out that she had some very serious dementia problems - my mother & I were talking about her once, and my mother asked about my psych degree and my grandmother. I said, "oh, there's a clinical name for her all right. She was nuts!"

Just as a sample:
-Any religion except Lutherans or Christian Scientists, but she had a special hatred for Roman Catholics.
-the Beatles.
-Money.
-Sickness.
-My mother.
-Sex (she swore she never had it, or even a period).
-Death.

Very equal opportunity hater!

Actually, I enjoy listening to the stories my older relatives and really old acquaintances come up with. I see this as access to primary sources of mid and early 20th Century history. When I was a kid I got to listen to people who had served in WW-1, the widow of a Colonel from the Spanish American War, the daughters of Civil War veterans (both very old but clear headed and articulate). The stories they had to tell!
When I was in school I got to listen to the stories of two retired Chief Justices of state supreme courts (Louisiana and Missouri) who should have written books of anecdotes drawn from their experiences. Some of the best stories I ever heard. When I grab a coffee at Starbucks I look to see if there is an elderly person sitting by themselves. I strike up a conversation and in most cases I get to hear something really interesting and very unexpected. Last night I spoke with an old lady who it turned out knew Julia Childs when she was with the OSS during WW-2 and had met my Great Aunt in Paris many years before. Her details were too precise and it was obvious she was not just making it up. She enjoyed the chance to talk and we enjoyed listening and asking questions.
I was with two of my fellow lawyers who at first were taken back that I started talking to this old lady. By the time we left about 45 minutes later they were saying wow, what a life that lady had. She lived what we only read about.

^^Please don't get me wrong! I absolutely LOVE talking to most older people - they have such interesting stories! I think that's what got me into geriatrics. It's just that my paternal grandmother was NASTY!!!

Ohhh yes...

The three worst offenders (rant-wise) in my family are my father, my mother-in-law, and my grandmother-in-law (who passed away recently, but I'm including her because her list is loooong). They rant about . . .

My father:
- The Democratic Party. He loathes the Democratic party, and, in particular, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Hillary Clinton.
- Anything that the Catholic Church considers a sin. Abortion is murder, sex outside marriage is evil, a married couple shouldn't use any birth control other than NFP, etc.

My mother-in-law:
- The Republican Party, especially the Tea Party.
- The fact that she will never be a grandmother. (Yup... should've thought about that before you decided to have only one kid. Not everyone wants children, yanno, and we're not about to crank one out just for you.)
- "Undercooked" food. For beef and lamb, anything less than well done is "undercooked" and she will rail on and on through the entire meal. Fish must be so thoroughly cooked that it's dried out. And heaven help you if you mention sushi! (I had to school my husband in the enjoyment of sushi and medium-rare steak. ;) )

My grandmother-in-law:
- The Republican Party, especially the Tea Party.
- The fact that she would never be a great-grandmother.
- "Undercooked" food (see above).
- Red meat at all.
- Onions and garlic. (She's been known to chew out waiters reciting the specials of the day if said specials contained any onions or garlic - "Oh, I can't eat THAT!!" :rolleyes: )
- Food with any flavor, sauce, or seasoning, even a sprinkle of black pepper. All her food had to be not only thoroughly cooked but also dead plain.
- Alcohol. She probably wept bitter tears the day the 21st Amendment was fully ratified. If the five of us (GMIL, MIL, FIL, DH, and I) went out to dinner and ordered a bottle of wine, she would not only decline (ok, she wants to abstain, that's her choice), but also spend the entire meal railing about the evils of alcohol. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Now, if you want a trip down memory lane, both my mother and my MIL will gladly provide one. MIL's stories are mostly bitter ones about how her parents treated her brother like gold and treated her like dirt. Mom's stories about her childhood in India are actually interesting.

I keep reading the title as "DON'T SAY SHIT TO GRANDMA!"

The grandmother that I met was open to everything, so we never had to "not say" anything around her :)

I'm no Obama fan, but then there is my dad. You can't mention President Obama without him losing it. I once said, "If I got you some of that Obama toilet paper would you just shut up about it already?" His reply? "HE'S NOT FIT TO WIPE MY ASS!!!"

I promise he's otherwise a normal(ish) person. And I will say he doesn't discriminate...he's said that about every president since Reagan.

And then there is Tootsie, this evil woman my Grandfather married years before I was born. You can't bring up any of the following without her going on a tirade.
1. Weddings - she's the type that gets upset if you don't let her take the entire thing over. She's still mad that my mom insisted on choosing her own wedding dress. I've been plotting for years to get out of inviting her to mine, whenever that happens.
2. My mom, because she never calls her anymore. My parents divorced over ten years ago. Ironically enough, my parents get along great. My mom usually has a glass of wine for my dad and stepmom when they drop by sister and I off after dragging us to see her.
3. Iced Tea. She will go off on a 20 minute tirade about how "proletariat" it is.
4. Law school/lawyers. Another one that baffles me, since her husband has a law degree.
5. This biker bar in her city. My sister didn't invite her (for some reason...wonder why) when she went there a year ago, and Tootsie is still mad about this.
6. Safeway. She once bought expired milk there. Hasn't let her go.
7. Anything. Seriously. Someone always sets her off for no reason whenever we have to see her. We've had a running bet on who has the next turn for years.

I could write a book about this woman. There is a reason my grandfather has a secret house she doesn't know about.


EDITED TO ADD: Most of my family members are fantastic (including my dad, despite his mention), but a lot less fun to write about.