Legacy, crazy grandmother, advice please!!!
 

Hi everyone! I am so excited to be going to college and to be going through recruitment. First off my grandmother isn't crazy, she is just in love with her sorority (tri-delt) and the idea of one of her granddaughters in it. I come from a lineage of tri-delts my mom, grandma, and great-grandma. My older sister went through rush a couple of years ago at SEC school and did not go tri-delt and my grandmother was furious (and still is). My sister told me that my grandmother was calling her constantly during recruitment and she was even calling the chapter. And after she accepted the bid from the other house, my grandma wouldn't even talk to her about anything related to college/ sororities/ large groups of women/ etc.

Now it is my turn. I am going to a different school that I think is less competitive, but still pretty competitive. Tri-delt is a very good chapter there, and I am sure that many girls will be fighting for a bid. However, I don't want the pressure of my grandmother calling me every second and potentially calling the chapter to affect my outcome/decision. So I guess I have a few general questions that I need a third party to answer.

1. My mom stated that tri-delt does not consider grandaughters legacies, so will they consider me as "special" legacy for having 3 generations above me or will they just consider my mom?
2. My mom also said that when my sister was going through recruitment that they called her before rush to tell her about tri-delt on their campus (since shes a member from another school), do you think if I put my grandmother down they will call her? Technically I'm not a legacy through her.
3. If my grandmother does happen to call them, will they hold it against me? (Even if I try to explain anything to her, she doesn't understand how it works now).
4. Do you think I should tell me grandmother that my rush is deferred? My sister's rush was in January. So I think it would be pretty believable and maybe by the time I am done with recruitment she will find out where I got a bid.

Thanks for the advice! I am just so nervous about everything. And after hearing what happened to my sister, I am scared out of my mind.

1) Of course they will think it is cool that you could potentially be a fourth generation Tri-Delta. However, no Tri-Delta is going to reveal (and nobody else here is going to speculate on) how that may affect membership selection.

A word of warning: you should do your best not to let other chapters know this. It has the potential to work against you if they think there is no way you will go anywhere but DDD.

2) I'll let a DDD answer this, as I've never heard of such a thing.

3) See #1, but don't worry about it too much. We've all dealt with crazy alums.

4) If you want to lie to keep your grandma out of your rush (i.e. not calling you or the chapter), you could, but if your grandma uses the internet, you will be pretty easily busted, and even if she doesn't catch on until later, you could do serious damage to your relationship. Now, if you think your relationship is going down the tubes anyway, as it did for your sister, you may be willing to piss off granny to help your rush.

Thanks for your advice. I also forgot to mention that I am a real double legacy to another sorority. The chapter my sister is in is my paternal grandmother's sorority (that chapter deems granddaughters legacies). It is also very highly regarded at my new school. However, I'm trying not to let these things influence me. I don't want anyone except me and my potential sisters deciding where I end up.

I think your attitude is very Panhellenic and healthy. You obviously have some heavy-duty legacy pressure on you, but it sounds like you have a great outlook on finding a home that is the best fit for you and the chapter you join.

On the other hand, you could really get in good with Grandma....;)

Sounds like a little grandma competition to me. I am sure maternal grandma was a little unnerved that paternal grandma got a legacy.

As an older alumna, I see this often among my friends. In the "olden"days it was very common for girls to go there legacy, today, not so much. Just find a home that's best for you. Good luck!

Also, so DDD is just going to think that it is cool that I may potentially be a 4th generation? I know that I'm technically only a legacy by my mother, but I would think a lineage would be pretty important. I'm just asking because DDD is pretty much the "top" house on my sister's campus and she made it to pref. But she pledged the other house (which is also a top house but has a different personality that more matches hers). She said she didn't really connect with the tri-delts she spoke too and was almost certain that the only reason they brought her to pref was because of her legacy status. And keep in mind this is a SEC school and many legacies that were only connected by one family member were cut before pref.

No, I was just blabbering and making an unnecessary assumption. Like I said, I want to be a part of a group that I think fits me best. Yes, I think it would be great to be apart of a long line of tri-delts, but I don't think that should be the factor determining which sorority I belong to for the REST OF MY LIFE. I mean I feel so much pressure already and its not even summer. What if tri-delt cuts me? What if tri-delt and my other legacy cuts me? That would be so embarrassing for me. I would be like reject in my family. My sister made it to pref day at least (I know if a legacy makes it to pref they are put at the top of the bid list). Ugh this is all I can think about!

btw I'm from the South. Luckily I'm going North for school. If you have ever seen the show GCB that is my family. Yes, those people are real. Hopefully the Northern sororities have room for a little Southern twang or I'm doomed.

Lie to your grandmother and tell her you're not rushing at all. Then when or if you get a bid someplace, if she gets mad, just tell her you wanted to surprise her.

I think that Tri Delt is one of the sororities that does not require that a chapter pledge a legacy who comes to prefs.

While I think your worries are normal for both pnms and legacies, it would behoove you to try not to worry about things that will be out of your control. I know many legacies who worry that the only reason they were extended a bid is because they are legacies. Most, if not all, sororities extend one courtesy invitation to legacies after the first round parties, but if they invite you back after that, they did so because they see potential in you as a member.

Also remember, you may not like your legacy chapters when you meet them. They all may like to knit and have knitting circles every Tuesday night, and you would prefer to play tennis. You need to make your judgements during recruitment.

As to Grandma, she could ruin your chances. Writing a letter to accompany her recommendation is good-probably repeatedly phoning the chapter during rush week is not, and could potentially be harmful to you. Maybe your mother could try and explain this to her mother? If she won't, then you or your older sister could.

Ahhh, this is perfect.

Tell your grandma that your school takes away cell phones for the week of rush and if any PNMs are found to be talking with family about anything other than emergencies, or if any family contacts them or the school, they are automatically dismissed from rush. Oh, and mention that the school a few years back tried to cut total by a third and distribute all the women rushing evenly across groups, so no one group would be more "popular." She'll assume this is the "weird Northern" way of doing things and hopefully leave you and the chapter alone.

^^^ LOLOL!

LOL

But make sure that she gets a legacy introduction form if her sorority uses one or a reference form if they don't, so that she feels like she is doing SOMETHING. You could even ask her to fill it out for you, if you don't think it'll make her too crazy or too sure that you will join HER sorority. It would make her feel included.

I've been helping my daughter make recommendation contacts for recruitment next year. Many sororities' rec. and legacy intro. forms are publicly available on their websites, so a PNM can see what specific info. rec writers might need. Tri-Delt's is not public, but Kappa's and Theta's both have prominent policy messages on the form, such as "Alumnae and other collegians may not make contact with the chapter during recruitment", "You may not send food or gifts of any kind to the chapter", etc. Sounds like they have had some experience with alumnae like your Grandma! Maybe Tri-Delta's form has a similar message, and that could help with Grandma.

Thanks everyone for the advice! Well maybe I will just explain to her that it is really weird, but the surprise sounded good as well. My friend was telling me about Tufts rush, and although I don't remember the specifics, it sounded really strange.

Also, if tri-delt isn't required to give a bid on pref then maybe my sister lied about prefing the other house. With all of the pressure, I wouldn't blame her for doing so. I would feel embarrassed too. I was honestly quite surprised she didn't pref them. So maybe there is my explanation.

Oh and should I have my grandma fill out the legacy intro form even though I'm not a legacy through her? Tri-delta only considers daughters and sisters legacies, not granddaughters. I'm definitely having my mom fill out one, but I wasn't too sure about my grandma. I don't think she filled out one for my sister. She may have just written a letter and called 5 million times.

Probably not since granddaughters don't count for legacy status, but she can do a rec for you.

I am not quite sure what you mean about your sister lying, but work with me a minute. On most campuses, a pnm may be able to attend up to 3 pref. parties. After the parties, she places the sororities in order as she would prefer to receive an invitation to join(bid). She will only receive one bid, so she will never know where she was on the other sororities bid lists. She will be somewhere on each groups(where she attended prefs.) bid list if they comply with NPC resolutions.If your sister attended prefs. at her sorority-let's call it "ABC", and at Tri Delta and maybe a third sorority, and she placed ABC first on her list and she was on their first bid list, or at least far enough on ABC's list before they reached quota to get a bid, that is how she wound up in ABC.

I believe she mant that her sister said she ranked:
1. ABC
2. DDD
3. EFG

However, she may have ranked:
1. DDD
2. ABC
3. EFH

and didn't get a bid from DDD. She was embarrassed because she didn't get crazy enthusiastic Grandma's sorority and lied about getting her first choice.

Yeah that is what I meant! Based on what I have read on this thread. DDD seems less enthusiastic about legacies than most sororities. But leading my sister on all the way to pref day and then not putting her on top of their bid list seems a little harsh (as a legacy). So maybe she was telling the truth.

I cannot speak for Delta Delta Delta, of course. HOWEVER - from my perspective I would hesitate to say that Tri Delta is less enthusiastic about their legacies than other sororities. Many sororities are dealing with the (wonderful) dilemma of having TONS of legacies going through recruitment. Back in the day you didn't have that many legacies, you had far fewer potential new members, and it was possible to bid every qualified legacy. I would be very surprised if my NPC cousins did not give legacies every consideration.

Along this same line of thinking, has DDD never considered granddaughters to be legacies? I guess I assumed that granddaughters were considered legacies at all NPC sororities. Maybe they're so overwhelmed with daughters and sisters, they had to draw a line? Seriously. When I went through recruitment, the bid lists showed an asterisk by each new member who was a legacy to the chapter she joined. DDD was one of 3 sororities on campus that only had a handful of new members who were not legacies.

I don't know if they never have. My mom just said they don't. I thought it was weird too because my sister's sorority considers great-granddaughters to be legacies. And some even consider Aunts. My sister was saying that her particular sorority has very strict rules about legacies and depending on the situation sometimes they are even forced (idk what she meant by this she tends to over exaggerate) to give some PNMs bids, if they meet grade requirements. She didn't tell me specifics as she wasn't allowed, so I don't know what the requirements are to be guaranteed a bid (maybe great-great-grandma was a founder or something). But anyways she stated that some chapters weren't like that at all and may not even give bids to the quintuple, 5th generation, in-house, legacy.

You know, I think it might be best to inquire of all the GLO's involved - sister's, grandmothers's - what their policy is with regard to legacies. And the best way to do that is their HQ via their web sites. Most post such information or at the least the contact information for the person who can tell you. Why not do that and get the final word on all this????

Like!

It seems like you're getting a lot of conflicting, or at least confusing information from your family members; just go to the source. Alumnae (and alumni) are not infallible, and if they aren't positioned advisors for a chapter currently, they may have absolutely no idea. I hear a lot of alumni I work with say, "Back when I was in school the policy was..." when in fact the policy was never that.

So you are saying that I should contact the chapter directly?

No (unless you really don't want a bid). Contact the national headquarters directly.

Also, these things are going to vary WIDELY from school to school. At Tiny Northern U, there may be so few second-generation Greeks going through rush that anyone with any familial tie is considered a "legacy" (even if that's not a written national policy). At Bigass Southern U, a girl whose mom, grandma and 5 sisters aren't from THAT CHAPTER may have a problem getting the second look that a legacy would usually get -even if they are considered legacies through a written national policy.

As far as DDD, I don't think it's a matter of "enthusiasm," rather they had a smart person who did the math a long time ago and realized that if they extended legacy status too far through the family, they would be up the creek eventually.

Thank you! This pretty explained my concerns. A girl I talked to at my future school who is a sorority didn't even know it was usual for legacies to go through recruitment. My future school isn't that small either. I think about 600 girls go through recruitment. I don't even know why I expressed these concerns. I know I just have to wait and see what happens. But that is hard for a PNM with so much "legacy stress". So thank you all for being so understanding.

So, I just found out that my great-great-grandmother was a tri-delt too. And she was married during recruitment. Idk why I never knew this. I didn't even know her name. Wow, that makes me like 5th generation? But she was through another lineage...

Okay, I'll do what I can to give you accurate info without going into private membership selection. I've logged in to the DDD site and am looking at a reference form so feel free to ask a question. If I can't answer it for confidentiality reasons, I'll just say so.

A few other comments...

Tri Delta HIGHLY values legacies, but we also have more coming through than we can extend bids to on many campuses. I pulled out an old pledge manual I have from the late seventies (before my time!) and it says only daughters and sisters are legacies in the definition area. So that has been the policy for some time. Step-sisters and step-mothers may also be included in that according to the reference form.

I would suspect that any chapter that had a potential fourth or fifth generation Tri Delta coming through recruitment would give her an extra long look and consideration. Now I'm not in the room during membership selection and I don't know what goes on at every school. But it is enough out of the ordinary that I would be surprised if you didn't get more than a regular second look. If you are going through recruitment in the north, I would think this would definitely be the case.

I feel like I can't publicly address your sister's situation without getting into private membership selection.

You don't need a reference form from every Tri Delta you know. As long as one official form is submitted, that is all you need. All of the other Tri Deltas can submit letters of recommendation or letters of introduction.

I hope that helps! Let me know if you have a more specific question! :)

ETA: It is Tri Delta not tri-delt. :)

Just go through with an open mind, be your best self and let the chips fall where they may. Ultimately, any group who picks you will be choosing YOU. It's very neat if it works out to be a legacy chapter for you -- either with your grandmother, etc. or your sister, et al. Heck, you might even select a third option and start your own tradition!

Whatever happens, promise us you will come back and tell us how it worked out. That's the least you can do for all of this good (free) advice! :)

Thanks everyone for the advice and kind words. I will be going through with an open mind, and I hope to be apart of the Greek community soon!

will you come back and let us know how it goes? we would love to hear!

Yes! I will definitely post my recruitment story. I have read so many on here the past couple weeks (senioritis). So I look forward to sharing mine as well.

Haha, I know that feeling...there are so many good ones!