Question for Rec Writers from a Rec Writer
 

Hi -- like a lot of you, I do recs every year for girls going through Panhellenic recruitment; 2011 was my biggest group so far, and almost every PNM went through a huge, mega- competitive recruitment at an SEC school. Everyone received bids and pledged.

I recently found out that one of my 2011 rec girls depledged right before her initiation. I also found out that her recruitment was very difficult, full of disappointments because she was dropped by all of her favorites. The sorority she did pledge was the only pref she was invited to.

She has decided to go through recruitment again Fall 2012 at the same SEC school, and is planning to ask her rec-writers from last year to provide them again. Have any of you done this before -- written two recs for the same girl at the same university?

If you were asked, and decided to do so, did you do anything differently the second time, or did you just provide the rec like normal? I already know my sorority cut her last year. Given how big her university is and the number of PNM's last year, I also wonder if the sororities will be aware that she depledged elsewhere. Do I need to acknowledge it in the rec?

Sorry if these questions sound clueless, but this has never come down my path before. Thanks

I think this is one of those things where you should not mention it, and let the sorority read between the lines. If there WERE a good reason she didn't rush as a freshman, you'd be including it, right?

I don't know. I think I'd want my chapter to know that the PNM had dropped prior to initiation. It's salient information. A rec is an alumna's opportunity to give any an all information she has about a PNM to her sisters. If you want to elaborate about the why and wherefores, great, but leaving it out when you know about it is akin to lying.

Not a rec writer (yet), just curious, but did she give a reason to why she depledged? I think that would affect what I'd say/how I'd say it, for sure. Although the point may be moot as if the young woman is using all the same rec writers (which I think is odd, personally) someone is bound to mention it, so it might not matter if you do. I'm afraid to ask, but she isn't asking for the same rec writer for the house from which she depledged, is she?

So, leaving out some information is akin to lying, but leaving out other information is not?

Here's my deal...she did EXACTLY what most of the posters on GC would ask of her. She went through the whole process and gave it a shot. She went to the pref party she wasn't sure of, she went to bid day when she wasn't thrilled and she gave her pledge class a go at it. She didn't feel it, so she didn't take the vows that we each hold so dear of our organizations.

I don't know her, but I personally don't fault her. I would write the rec, and if it was a glowing one before...it would be the same now (unless her grades changed or something else). Would I mention it in my rec? Not sure. You didn't say how she'd treated her ex-pledge sisters (and you probably don't know) but was she running around the dorm trashing XYZ after she de-pledged, or did she do so gracefully? Those are the types of things I would be concerned about.

I'm sure there are those who don't agree with me, but if she's handled herself with grace and like an adult, I would have no problem writing the rec again.

I have written second recs before. It happens all the time--freshman goes through, doesn't like results, and goes through again mext year, needing recs again. Usually they don't go as far as the eve of initiation, but to me, that signals that the girl didn't just give up on bid day. I don't know the details of the story, of course, but she must have tried to some degree to make it work with the house she pledged. I'm not sure that her actions should only be seen as negative.

In one case, I wrote a second rec for a woman who transferred schools. She got into her first choice sorority at college 1 but did not like the campus even though she loved her house. She did not go through initiation, instead transferring mid year. She then went through recruitment at her new school, and ultimately joined a different house than she had pledged originally at college 1. We decided not to mention any of her past history in the recs.

I don't know that I would necessarily raise the point about her depledging in the rec, as the sororities probably already know or will find out--word does get around fast. It really depends on the facts. If you know for certain she used the house she ultimately walked away from, that's one thing, but if you don't know the circumstances, why raise speculation? Allow her go through and deal with any fall out, as surely being an upperclassman alone will close many doors? In my experience, these girls have had some additional time to swallow their pride and grow up--they go through the second time with a better head on their shoulders..

If in fact she's just shopping around for what she thinks will be a better sorority and experience, she will find out quickly whether her chances have improved or worsened with the other houses. Let her be the one to tell the story, unless you know for certain what happened and why. I would hope, as this young woman, she had taken some time to gain some leadership experience in place of a sorority during the past year, so she has some fodder when rushing as an upperclassman.

I might. I would have to have a serious conversation with her about the situation and my willingness to write another recommendation would depend on her answers and attitude.

Thanks for all the advice! I truly have no problem writing another rec. The first one I did was based on knowing her personally and on her high school history. She's a stellar, high achieving young woman who had a disappointing recruitment -- we all know it happens sometimes. As pointed out, she DID pledge, even though I now know the chapter was far from what she really wanted. I mean, some PNM's flounce off in a huff and never give a sorority a chance.

Also, I'm actually FB friends with her and do recall, last fall, that she often posted pictures of herself with pledge sisters, promoted some things the sorority was involved with...I do honestly think she tried to make it work, but ultimately, it just was not the right fit. Again, we all know that does happen sometimes.

Despite last year's disappointing recruitment, she thinks her odds will be better Fall 2012 because she has met a lot of women in other sororities. (At an SEC school? I worry since her favorites have already dropped her once and she'll be a sophomore.) She was also a legacy to the one she did pledge -- and feels like she got dropped by her favorites because they all thought she would go with her legacy no matter what. (Could be, could not be -- again, it's an SEC school).

I don't want to not acknowledge the depledging because I imagine at least some girls in my sorority already know, and given that I did write a rec last year, certainly don't want to appear as though I'm trying to sneak one by them! At the same time, I don't want it to work against her -- I do think she'd be an amazing sister in the right house for her. How to word it is what I'm wrestling with. State it, explain why I don't believe it should be viewed as a negative mark (given that she did try to make it work), then go into all she has to offer?

As for how she left her past chapter, I really don't know -- but can only imagine it was done as graciously as possible. I've never seen anything in this girl's demeanor to make me think she would handle it any other way.

Just curious what other people's experiences may have been with this, and if there is a kind of unspoken Panhellenic protocol to this type of situation. Thanks again! As always, the insight has been great!

I think you should mention it. The chapter probably already knows. This would be your chance to ask them to give her another look (if that's what you want).
It would be great if you could talk with her in person. You can warn her of what she's up against, but assure her that you'll do what you can and encourage her. She'll probably be grateful for it!

I think if she's kept her grades high, has been involved on campus, made friends, hasn't shot herself in the foot for one reason or another, and you still think she's a great gal, why not? If you like her enough to really try to help, you could say she went through but really wasn't prepared for all of it (stress, number of people, the process, whatever), gave her one option a true shot but still didn't feel it, and this year after getting to know some girls and being familiar with the school, she feels like she's in a much better position to put her best foot forward. I don't think there's any reason to feel like she doesn't deserve another chance.

Am I the only neurotic advisor here? I used to go through all of the registered sophomores and cross-check them with the pledge lists from the year before. I let the MVP know right away who had pledged elsewhere the year before. So I would be shocked if all of these chapters don't already know that she pledged elsewhere.

I think the only reason I would tell the chapter that she pledged another sorority last year would be if:
A) I now have some doubt that she'll make a committed member to my organization, and I want to warn my chapter
-or-
B) It can be mentioned in a narrative of how she's improved this year, matured, etc.

I would think that the mention of her previous affiliation would only hurt her, unless properly explained.

Of course not! Last year was the first time in 30 years I'd worked with a live recruitment, and that was one of the first things I did.

Absolutely not, that's always something I do every year, And not only the pledge lists but who may have dropped out and when.

I knew we all thought the same ;)

There's no way that these chapters don't already know this woman pledge a chapter last year, and know which chapter she pledged, and have already made assumptions based on that information. Maybe every individual sister doesn't know, but the leadership certainly does.

I think the only thing that mentioning it in the LOR does is to re-enforce that it's "something to keep an eye out for" from an alumna's perspective.

I think I would ask to have coffee/lunch with her and discuss things with her. Obviously I don't know her, but I really appreciate she tried it out. This is going off the assumptions you posted about her fb page. However, I'd try to meet up with her and really see what happened. Not trying to be a gossip, but if it was just because she didn't feel comfortable or if she had trouble finding friends in the chapter, I'd be worried about her going through recruitment again. As I have gathered from GC, SEC chapters aren't exactly small so if it was not connecting to people it might be a red flag.

I know KD has certain requirements for members such as GPA but also being involved outside KD. I'd probably also see if she was involved and kept up with the other requirements similarly to what DubaiSis mentioned. Kind of like seeing if she could add on another activity or if she would be adding on many parts for one activity.

As for putting on that it is her second time going through recruitment... Unless she took actual roles in her pledge class such as sisterhood chair, I wouldn't mention the actual chapter. They might already know that (they would at my school, not necessarily at an SEC) Well in the meeting with her I'd ask what she wants from a sorority and potentially what was missing from her last chapter. I might include that.
Something along the lines of:
Suzie PNM is really interested in finding sisterhood that will last her beyond her college years. A place where similar interest are shared blah blah blah.
She went through recruitment in Fall 2011 and saw potential/promise/opportunities in XYZ. (some way of saying that she is really interested in the chapter so they might give a second look at a sophomore) She would be a great addition to the chapter. blah blah blah

If this is a super competitive SEC school - i.e. the kind where sororities are looking for reasons to cut girls, not because they're meanies but because RFM forces them to - disclosing that she pledged before (at a sorority that might not be considered the best) and then dropped is an easy reason to say "whew. Let's can her so we can try and get the zillion other girls we really love and have no second thoughts about."

Also, you might want to think about how your writing a second rec for her will reflect on anyone else you write a rec for - what it will do to your credibility.

Personally, I would decline. I just don't see this coming out well, for you or for her. If she's gotten to know sorority women as friends, not just acquaintances, I think it would be better for one of them to hook her up with a rec (if it's required for pledging).

Oh, she's at a mega competitive school alright. Is it in poor form for me to say which school? Would it help with thoughts on the best approach? Campuses can be so different from one another.

I'm friends with her aunt and uncle and have known them for a long time, but I also know her. In high school, she was involved with student council and band/flag corp all four years -- in other words, she didn't bounce from activity to activity, but was consistent.

I'll speak with her when she contacts me (which I understand she is going to be doing), but I really think she just felt like she couldn't find her home in the sorority she pledged. Honestly, I think she is going to be in for one tough haul. This school has 17-18 sororities and she was dropped by all except the one she pledged. Plus, re-rushing as a sophomore? I'm afraid she will be released from recruitment very early on. :(

Then at least you know her. Being honest with yourself, did she have a rough first time through rush, or is she just not going to be Auburn or Bama (or whatever) sorority material? I think a girl can not be mentally prepared for rush, get cut heavily after round one and then just implode. That wouldn't mean she couldn't have a better result the second time around, especially if she'd done the required legwork throughout her freshman year. Or maybe you'd be doing a service to her to suggest she seek out other activities.

What are you leaving out?

Or not mentioning it sounds like you knew nothing about it and don't really know anything about the PNM. It's not like the incident should be treated with kid gloves. Everyone knows the girl went through recruitment and pledged. Like I said, the alumna has the opportunity to clarify the situation to the chapter if she thinks the woman had a reasonable story or warn her chapter if she didn't. Either way, not mentioning it sounds like you had no clue the girl ever went through recruitment at all.

Again, thanks for all the insight. There really are numerous things to consider! Some had not even crossed my mind, so I'm glad I asked.

I can really see both sides of the argument, but I'd have a conversation with this woman to get more details about her NM period. I'd want to know if she truly made an effort to get to know people, or if she was just dissapointed about her results and skated through the NM without really trying (which is what I suspect).

"Sticking it out" until initiation doesn't just mean not depledging. It means truly trying to find your niche in the chapter, taking on little opportunities to be involved, taking initiative to hang out before, after, and outside of sorority events. And it sounds like this is a school with very large chapters...so in a chapter of a couple hundred women, I don't see how she could not find anyone to click with. I'm not buying the "I don't fit" story at a school with chapters that big. It sounds like a case of "I'm in the least popular sorority at my school and I will be embarrassed to wear these letters for the next 4 years."

i agree! However, chances are, if it is a super competitive SEC school and she was cut everywhere - despite having recs - there was a reason - and it will happen again.

In your next rec, you can give more suggestions for ways to talk to her or remind them that she is a quiet young lady who doesn't gush, etc. (if that is the case) .I would write the rec with the focus of your comments to be , 'Give this girl a good look. You missed her last time"

Another thought...
 

...I'd do her rec and I would address the elephant on the room - eg that she had rushed and pledged last year (even though that information is most likely already known) but I would clearly state why her "history" should not prevent your sorority from giving her another look, further consideration etc - be specific as to what her strengths are and what she would add to the chapter. Sometimes the collegians don't realize the value of certain PNMs so it behooves us alums to tell them ;) Also wanted to mention that at UGA, for instance, a sophomore is considered for rush purposes to be an upperclassman and thus has a separate quota #

That chapters may or may not choose to utilize. i.e., chapters do not HAVE to take sophomores or any other upperclassmen if they don't want to.

Quick question for your savvy NPC women: How can this person be eligible for Recruitment 2012? Doesn't she have to wait a FULL CALENDAR YEAR from when she renounced the group that she accepted the bid from? (i.e. the one that she dropped just before initiation) Assuming that she "stuck it out" for 6 weeks or so beyond bid acceptance day (or however long the pledge period lasts), is this even permissible?

If she pledged in Fall and dropped before initiation, she is eligible to rush the following fall. They are not doing EXACT calendar dates

Correct me if I am wrong

She is bound to that bid for a full "bid year" from the day it was extended to her. By full calendar year, it really means from the previous year's formal recruitment bid day to this year's. Sometimes it isn't quite a full calendar year if the dates of recruitment change a bit; say bid day was September 5 last year and it's September 1 this year, but that's the spirit of the rule.

Agree with all the previous posts, and it doesn't matter how long she stuck it out, it just matters when she received the bid. So a woman who signed her preference card and never showed up to bid day would be eligible at the same time that a woman who stuck it out until the day before initiation is (assuming both pledged in the same "season/semester/quarter").

A little off-topic, but Ice Water Teas will be more than a little awkward when she visits her old chapter. I'd really hate to be the sister who has to host her that day!

To add to this, it isn't necessarily always a full calendar year if recruitment dates change. But if the PNM went thru formal fall recruitment last year,received a bid and did not see it thru to initiation, she would be eligible to re-rush when the school's formal fall recruitment rolls around next year.

Keep in mind that most SEC schools have an upperclass quota so she wouldn't be lumped in with the freshmen...which might help her. And I would mention that she had pledged last year and then offer some reason that you and she agree upon.

Well, just an update on this -- as of now, about three weeks before her school's recruitment starts, she has not contacted me or anyone I know to do her recs. Maybe she has reconsidered Greek Life and decided not to pursue it again. Maybe she went with a different group of rec-givers this year. Or, maybe she is waiting until the last minute. Time will tell, but so far I've been able to escape the "awkward rec."