Do you like his friends?/Do you like her friends?
 

Fellas, do you like your girl's friends? And to the females on here, do you like dude's friends? I'm asking because my girl doesn't like my friends, and I really don't like hers either. There are reasons for both, but why do you or don't you like you significant other's friends?

My girl says my boys like to kick it too much at the club. We don't do anything while we're there but chill, so I don't know why she has issues with them. I don't really know her friends that well, but I get vibes that they don't like me. My girl has never told me they didn't like me, but I get vibes from them when they see me that they aren't feeling me. Folks who don't like me, I'm automatically not going to like them. Point blank.

For those who have this same problem, how did y'all resolve it. Do you put your significant other before friends you kicked it with before you two met, or do your friends come first? I think it would be pretty fucked up to just dump some friends you kicked it with before you met your significant other. My girl thinks my boys are bad news, but they were my boys before I met her.

By club, do you mean strip club? If so, and if you aren't there for any reason other than to chill, why can't you chill somewhere else? If you weren't referring to strip clubs, all this is obviously irrelevant.

I think it's important to hang out, as a couple, with friends. If neither of you enjoys the company of the friends that the other had prior to establishing the relationship, then you should find ways to meet new friends as a couple.

That said, when I was dating, it was a big red flag for me if my friends/family didn't like the guy I was with. It wasn't automatically a deal-breaker, but those relationships never seemed to work in the end anyway. I think friends have a talent for seeing significant others without the rose-colored glasses that the person in the new relationship often wears.

WTF? Why does it matter what kind of club we hang out at? You don't know what it is to "chill?" It means to hang out, relax, kick it with your friends. Do you have places where you hang out (chill) with your friends? Asking me why we can't chill somewhere else was a dumb ass question and doesn't make any sense.

Your stupid comment was "obviously irrelevant."

...the fuck?

Chill out, dude lol

For real though. How is what I said "irrelevant?" It's a thread simply talking about if you like your girl's friends and does she like your friends/family, etc. That's all it is, then she comes on here talking shit about what I said being irrelevant. WTF? I don't know why she couldn't just reply to the damn thread without asking dumb questions and talking shit, like she usually does.

Like I said before...STOP BEING SO DAMN TOUCHY ALL THE TIME.

Sydney asked if "the club" meant strip club because your girlfriend may take issue with where you are, not your friends (if she disapproves of strip clubs). If that is not what you meant, then her suggestion would be irrelevant--she's talking about her own post, not yours. Dolt.

Your panties in knots or is it something else that makes you have reading comprehension issues? She didn't say shit about what YOU said being irrelevant. Go and read AGAIN and try to comprehend better. She said if you're NOT just "chillin" at a strip club ONLY, then what SHE is saying is irrelevant. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Because if I went out all of the time to the strip club to look at other dude's junk (whether I'm just kickin' it or not), my boyfriend would definitely get irritated. If I was going to a club that had a reputation for heavy hard drug use, my boyfriend would be concerned that I might be getting sucked into that, especially if I'm out 'chillin'" until 3am.

And you can't sit here and tell me that there isn't at least one time (when you go out) that you and your boys don't look at another women and go "damn, look at her."

We obviously have different places where we go out with our friends, otherwise we wouldn't be questioning the club. There have to be other places that you can go. It's even better if she can come out every once in a while. If you really care about her, you would want her to be (hypothetically, not in reality) just about anywhere you are. I love taking out my boyfriend, for instance, because I love spending time with him, I love it when he hits it off with my friends, and I love showing him off and bragging about him.

Take a walk in each others' shoes so you can maybe learn each others' frustrations. You obviously haven't learned that relationships require compromises from both parties involved.


(GC, I apologize for potential misuse of apostrophes)

SN: Yes, this was all about you, Sen. <3 :p

Very well said, misused apostrophes and all!

Yes, I'm aware of what it means to "chill". If you are hanging out at strip clubs simply for the enjoyment of each others' company, then you can "chill" anywhere. If you're there for the scenery, then don't try to convince her (or others) that you're there just to hang out and relax. You can hang out and relax in lots of places that don't involve scantily clad women.

Generally if I don't like a guy's friends, then I'm going to be leery about him. Knowing what types of friends he has tells me some things about who I'm dating. I just think that it's important to see what kind of connection he has with his friends before I make a commitment to him. Where do they hang out? What kinds of things do they enjoy doing together? etc. As the old saying goes "Birds of a feather flock together", and I truly believe that. To me, a man's friends can tell me a lot about what I haven't seen in him. It's just that I believe they reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he's on good behavior. The bottom line for me, and what I believe in a lot of cases, is that a man is like his friends –that's why they are his friends.

We don't have a problem with each others friends at all. I like his friends and he likes mine. His friends like me, and my friends like him. I mean, his closest friends are married, and mine are too, so we generally go out as couples most of the time, when we are around them. Sometimes, I'll go out to eat, or go to the mall with my friends if we aren't doing things together as couples. It just depends on the day or what we have planned.

I mean I'm still best friends with my ex's friends, but that's because we were all in the same friend group. I think you can tell a lot about a person though about how they treat their friends though. For example if they aren't the best communicators with their friends/roommates, you can bet they won't be with you once the honeymoon stage is over, etc. You can also tell a lot about a person by how they act to and with their family members, and conversely they can tell a lot about you with yours.

On the whole I don't think you need to necessarily be best friends with all of their friends but it certainly helps. And I think you absolutely need to have a baseline of respect for them, even if you don't like them, because otherwise it would be hard to sustain a relationship with your SO. Especially if you're on a long term/marriage track, these people are obviously important to both of you and it makes life a lot easier if you all can at least tolerate one another, IMO. And if you like each other/enjoy spending time with one another, so much the better, I think.

I agree. You tend to be friends with people who have a lot in common with you, not just activities you enjoy, but lifestyles, values, etc. so it would seem odd to not like each other's friends or be disliked by their friends.

CTFU! Hey y'all, I was fucked up when I typed that shit, and I was drunk as hell the night before. I just looked at some of what I typed in the dating thread, and started cracking up. I remember writing the shit, but damn LOL. My bad, y'all.

I was drunk as hell when I typed that shit you. I owe you an apology. My bad. That Hennessy ain't no joke LOL. But I wasn't talking about strip clubs. We hang out at night clubs. Sometimes we go to strip clubs, but that's usually on special occasions.

On the flip side of that. What about family? Do y'all get along with your significant other's family? Do they like him/her? I don't know my girl's family all that well. I met her mom and her sister. I haven't met her pop's yet. They seem to be pretty cool, and she hasn't told me they have issues with me, just her friends trip like that. My mom is easy going as hell with the females I've brought to the crib. I don't think I've ever brought a female home she started trippin about.

First, regarding clubs, I firmly believe once you have a significant other (more than a girl you "just date") you are done going to the clubs without her. You go to clubs to meet girls and if you're hanging out with your buddies you can do it somewhere you can talk at a less then ear-splitting level and not where the girls are partially clothed, even if it is just a nightclub and not a strip joint. That's just the way it is. You are inviting trouble going to these places without her and you should know that. And if your buddies are dragging you out to places you don't need to be, that would be a pretty good reason to not like them, although in reality she should be aiming her anger at you.

Now regarding getting along with your SO's friends, in my marriage my husband tends to like my friends, but not some of their husbands and that's a huge bummer. Thankfully here so many of the husbands travel that it's not unusual to go to dinner or whatever with 1/2 of a couple, but for parties, social events, etc. it really sucks to not be able to hang with both parts of a couple. However, it's one of the compromises you make to keep a marriage happy. And I've got WAY more friends than he does, so I don't really have to worry about the reverse. We'll see if that stays true once we move back to his childhood home.

Hmph. I was bout ta say!

I2K, you gotta stop drunk posting. Or if you are, at least make a whole lot of typos so we KNOW you're drunk and we can just tell you to go sleep it off. :P

Or better yet, lead off with an I'm drunk caveat.

Accepted.
We gettin' along now?

Not liking his friends (and family) would be a huge deal-breaker. Birds of a feather, apple from tree - all that. Luckily, I LOVE my in-laws and they love me. My huband's the one with the bat-shit crazy mother-in-law. I'm just glad I grew up spending most of my time with my dad's side of the family while my mom & dad ran the family business. :p


Sidenote: I remember one time getting off the phone with my mother and yelling that she was crazy. My husband was appalled, you don't do that in his culture, and chastised me for talking bad about her. However, after his first time meeting her, he looks at me and says, "Wow, your mom is crazy.". Told ya so.

I like most of his friends. Some are "fratty" and yes I do mean that in the stereotypical uncomplimentary way. However, he needs to have that every once in a while and understands that if he tries to pull any of that misogynistic shit in front of me, he will get a ear (and then some) full. Still there are only a few of his friends I don't get along with. As for my friends, he in general likes them. He wouldn't necessarily choose to hang out with the majority of them on his own? Not so much.

As for family... My parents love him like he was their son. Sometimes my dad gets along better with my boyfriend than he does my brother. Granted my brother lives more of an alternative lifestyle. He is a mix of a hipster and a hippie. My parents are fairly straight edge as is my boyfriend. Whether his family likes me... well it's up in the air in my opinion. His mom lives in a different state so our time together has always been quick meals or get togethers with a bunch of other people. I think his sister likes me in general, we just have different interests. She bugs me a little bit. She likes to play damsel-in-distress and have my boyfriend rescue her. Overall we get along though.

I think it is important to get along with friends. It is especially important to get along with family. As they say "you marry the family too". Friends are important because IMHO the people you hang around with reflect on you. If you only hang out with assholes then you most likely have similar tendencies otherwise why do you hang out with them. What would you have in common with them or why would you put up with their crap? It has been and still is a red flag with me.

ETA: exactly what AlphaFrog said.

I generally like his friends, some of them have become dear friends who I even hang out with without my boyfriend present, some of his friends I don't really like but that's ok. He gets along with most of my friends as well.

His family is great, I really like his parents. His sister is quite a lot younger and I don't really know her.
He gets along with my family, my dad especially likes him. He isn't very fond of my mom and I get that, I love her to death but she can be very in-your-face.

CTFU! Hennessy ain't no joke, but for some reason it doesn't fuck with me like that. I generally can still type, it just makes me talk a lot of shit. But I do that when I'm sober LOL.

I'll do that, next time.

Hell to the naw! LOL I'm fuckin with you. We cool.

I wanted to talk about the family. I wanted to see if folks here have issues with dude's or female's family. I personally don't really give a shit what her family is like. I heard the old saying about marrying into the family, but sometimes even when you're tight with the family, they can still sometimes get all in your business. One of my frat is having inlaw issues with his wife's family. They liked him at first, but now he tells me his wife is always telling their business to her mom. To me, that's foul as hell.

Any of y'all with your significant long term, but don't like the family, or they don't like you? I wouldn't give a fuck it my girl's mom didn't like me. I've dated females where their family didn't like me. I just feel that I'm with her not with them.

Glad we're cool.

When you're just dating, that's one thing. But as soon as you start talking marriage or long-term then, to an extent, you are with them. Especially if you and your SO have children together.

I get along with my hubby's family, and my family all get along with my hubby. My brother's wife, OTOH, is a piece of work. It's sometimes difficult for my parents to feel like they're as involved as they'd like to be with their grandchildren because of the friction between them (my folks) and my sis-in-law. Christmas, for instance, often becomes less about having fun as a family and more about walking around on eggshells.

It may not be an issue for you now. And, depending on how things go for you and Brandi in particular, it may not be an issue in the future. But, you really do marry the family.

/my two cents

For me, family is very, very important. I won't commit to a man whose family doesn't like me. I also won't get involved with a man who my family doesn't like or who doesn't like my family. Family background is also important to me. If he comes from a dysfunctional family background or a family background that doesn't line up with or match mine, then we don't have that part in common, and if we don't have that part in common, then I'm not going to get involved with him.

To each its own, it's just that for me, a man's family reveals a lot about him. This is why I take note and decide whether I want my future with the man in my life to look like his present family situation. If I see bitterness and hostility between him and his parents or siblings, then I'm going to count on seeing it between the two of us in marriage. His relationship with his mom and his parents relationship with each other are also very important to me, because (to me) this is a preview of how he will treat me. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. I just believe that unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife. To me, based on my own experiences, every person functions according to what he was taught and what he witnessed from the day he was born. If my family relations, and experiences are vastly different from his, I just think it will be difficult to correspond on the same platform and the quality of both my life and his could be impacted because of it.

You (in general) may not have to live with your partner's family, but never be deceived into thinking that familial habits don't come to live at your (in general) house and affect your (in general) life directly because they most certainly do. I just think that where a man comes from has a lot to do with how he will function in relationships. But like I said, to each its own.

Yep. I totally agree with you, Dee. I just think that friends reveal a lot about the person you are considering because they can be considered duplicates. If you do not like a man's friends, understand that they are displaying something -behaviors, habits, attitudes he might be hiding from you. Like I said before, 9 times out of 10, his friends may reveal who he is when he is not with you. That's why I say for this reason that patience and discernment are required for a quality relationship. At least it is for me.

CG,
You've said a mouthful here, some of which I buy, other parts not so much.

I think families, and to a lesser extent friends (answering the thread question) are a matter of boundaries-- established and respected.

Every family has a mixture of good and bad apples, so I'm not thrown off by that. I try to observe my mate on this. I look to see how she handles "situations." How is her interaction with both the good and bad apples. Does she know how/when to handle them? Is she open to her own family members' strengths and faults. If so, then I think things can go well.

I realize we are all, to some degree, the product of our environments, but I don't take that as some immutable rule. Everyone has the ability to individually change, to break cycles of all sorts. I'd never reject someone out of hand because of their family situation. I'd watch her both in/out of that situation and make my call from that.

I generally get along (with family members and friends) and take people as I find them, because I want that in return. But as long as the relationship's boudaries are respected--by parents, siblings, friends, etc... then most situations should be relatively easily handled by mature people.

And I meant and strongly believe in everything I said.:)

I totally agree that there is no such thing as a perfect family, because a family is made up of imperfect people. It depends on what is acceptable to you and what is not -what you can live with and what you cannot. I also agree that it's important to look at how that person handles family situations, but at the same time I also know that all links with the person in your life both negative and positive will affect your interaction with that person. You may not be marrying the family, but you will be inheriting their issues, no matter how the person in your life chooses to handle those family situations. I try to observe both my mate and where he came from, and what kind of relationship he has with his family. Is the relationship he has with his family similar to mine? Is mine similar to his? Are what we value similar? The bottom line Tony, is you have to decide if you like what you see. If you do, go for it. If not, connect with someone whose life is acceptable to you.

I didn't say anything about it being a "rule" as if people can't change, but when you are in a relationship both romantic and non-romantic, most of the time, whatever is going on around you and the interactions you have with that person have very little to do with you. It has to do with the accumulation of the many experiences that particular person had before she/he even got to you. Whether those experiences are acceptable or not is entirely up to you.

To me, life is not about any one person but how we all connect and affect one another as a whole. Relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, family relationships, etc. affect every area of our well-being and how we respond to people and circumstances at large. Everyone, family and all come with baggage and that comes from the journey of life. But there are healthy amounts and amounts that are seriously unacceptable. I'm not saying that someone who comes from a rough family background can't make a marriage/relationship work, because they can. But I have to look at and accept the things that are important to me. What goals does he have? Do they match mine? What is his idea of living a good life? What does his idea of a good family relationship look like? etc. These kinds of questions are important to me, because I might be surprised to find that his idea of a good family life does not match mine.

Tony, I think you are a wonderful person (based on your posts) but you are marrying the person in your life because of the things (both positive and negative) she brings into your world, and the things that are acceptable to you. You have your standards and I have mine. We all do. It's important to me to be clear that I have specific standards for the man who gets to insert himself into my life, and I leave the choice open to him of where he wants to fit into my life. I refuse to accept the "accept me as I am" line, because we have to be on the same spiritual page in order to enjoy a future together. That includes both his family and his friends. I'm not going to settle for less. What might be of great importance to me, might not be to someone else, and that includes you. What's important is what you are willing to live with and what you are not. That's why I said, to each its own.

^^^Goddamn LOL! Cheerful, you are cool as fuck, but you are high-maintenance as hell. Dude's job gotta be tight, his family gotta be tight, his friends gotta be tight, damn, you leave no room for error. I feel what Tony was saying. Some of the shit you posted I'm cool with, but with some of it I'm not. You're one of those high-maintenance/high class females. No offense to you, but I hate females like that. Some of these females need to come off of that high-horse, for real. That's not directed to you Cheerful, it's just how I generally feel.




I feel you, but I think it's also my choice if I want to fuck with her family. You feel me? I can just stay at home if I don't want to be around her family or if they don't want to be around me. I feel what you're saying and agree, but if her family is trippin on me, that's cool. As long as she's cool with me and the two of us are getting along, I'm good with that. I don't have to see her family every day. You feel me?

No, I'm not "high-maintenance" at all, but I do feel that I am a together woman, therefore the person I choose to build a future with needs to be a together man. With the "high-class" comment, what might be "high-class" to you, might be everyday, normal living to me.

There's always room for "error" because we all make mistakes which comes with relationships. I've never been married, so I don't know what being married is like, yet. However, I do know that the important things to help me through most of the trials and tribulations that come with it are Biblical teaching, a man who also follows the Word of God, the things I was taught and raised with, and understanding that my relationship with my mate is only as good as my relationship with God.

Whether both you and Tony choose to accept/agree with "some" of what I've said, all of what I've said, or whether you choose to dismiss it entirely is up to you. Either way, my convictions on this topic will remain the same.:)

I think TonyB06 and cheerfulgreek are saying the same thing with different words.

Pretty much. I think CG and I differ in the matter of degree. IMO as people mature (40s), generational influences, to the extent they still matter, probably matter much less.

Accordingly, my view of my finance, what moves her and what she's likely to do in a particular situation vis-a-vis family/friend, is much clearer. As is her view/expectation for me also.

Yeah, I agree with both you and cheerfulgreek because life consists of different degrees. We learn something new about ourselves and others almost daily.

rant/

All of our degrees vary as our experiences vary. It is easy to know all of the answers to our life's problems when things are going well/seem perfect. Sure, "I would never date a person who has these kinds of friends" and "I would never date a person from this type of family" works when our life partner's friends and family are awesome. What happens once we fall in love and our increased interaction with friends and family reveal a little crazy going on. LOL. We expect our life partners to handle that but even then it will not always fit into a peaceful puzzle.

Either way, change can happen quickly and we can find ourselves tolerating things that we never had to tolerate before. We can find ourselves accepting things that our "textbook of life" told us we would never accept. Things that once made sense or sounded so ideal can change in terms of practical application. Things that did not make sense and were not ideal can become practical. We truly do not know what the future holds and we (including super spiritual people who God has anointed and appointed as the Holy Bible of humanity) can learn a great deal about our life partners after we get married, etc. that can make us say "damn, how'd I miss this."

/rant

CTFU! okay I feel you. That's good shit, though. I guess you wouldn't fuck with me then. If I went on a date with you, you would run me off LOL. I'm spiritual too because I read my bible from time to time and I do go to church, just not as often as I would like to. My girl gets all into that, so I'm trying to break the cycle. She's been going to church every Sunday lately. She wants me to go too, and I have been sometimes, but her pastor is boring as hell. Dude wants everybody to get up and dance down the isle n shit. I can't fuck with that. For real though Cheerful, you're deep as hell.

**awkward**

What she is saying is actually quite basic for those who believe as she does. You simply are not one of those people. ;)

Nah, you're just a funny, entertaining username to me.:)

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with God. The relationship you have with God is between you and Him.

For me, yes, I have gone out on many dates before I connected with Mr. and most of those men got rid of themselves. The others, I told them that it wasn't working out, and that I just wanted to keep it on an associate/classmate level. I mean, I wasn't judging them or anything, it's just that it's a lot more than just being "spiritual" for me. The connection should be something a lot deeper than a man "knowing" about Jesus or simply being "spiritual". When I said that he has to be on the same spiritual page as me, I was a referring to my page, and not someone else's. Someone else's "spiritual page" might look a lot different from mine.

When I was in the so called "dating scene", the men who I was considering had to be more than just "spiritual". For me, the man that I chose to connect with needed to be involved with and accountable to God, not just claiming to be "spiritual" and knowing about the Bible. Psalms 1 clearly talks about a godly man, and I wasn't settling for anything less than that. It's just that I believe the accountability factor is huge, because if he won't break the heart of God, then I know he won't break mine, either. I didn't see that in the men I was dating, not until I met Mr. I just think that it's all about being able to meet and connect with the right person, not just with that person alone, but that person's entire life.

You should read Psalms 1 when you get some time. Any man who isn't that, isn't for me.;)

eta: thank you for the compliment.

CTFU! It's not like that. I was just fuckin with her. Plus, I don't even know what she looks like.