Just Spring COBed, feel really disconnected
 

My school has fall formal recruitment, but I Spring COBed really, really recently. When I COBed I only met up with 1 girl the first time, and her along with a different girl the second time. So today was my first chapter meeting, so basically my first time "encountering" all 250 of the girls.

I showed up like 10 minutes early, and was introduced to a girl who's basically like a Bid Day Buddy for COB. She was super intimidating - really gorgeous, perfect hair & makeup, super stylish clothes. Plus I pretty much didn't know ANY of the 250 girls there, and they were all super tight. When I get nervous I get really awkward and shy, so our conversation was really forced and generic and full of long pauses.

By the end of chapter I was so uncomfortable and in a hurry to leave that I just kind of smiled awkwardly at her, then got up and left without actually saying bye - REALLY bad move I know, but like I said when I get nervous I'm really awkward. When I was walking out of chapter she stayed behind, and all the other girls were lingering around chatting and laughing.. but I just left without talking to anyone because I didn't know anyone and didn't really feel welcome to introduce myself?

I got back to my room and read the letter my COB buddy gave me, and opened her present. The letter was really sweet and I guess just showed me another side of her since I was so intimidated. I texted her thanking her for writing me such a sweet note - that was 4 hours ago and she hasn't replied, I'm sure because I was being so awkward before.

Has anyone else had kind of similar experiences COBing? I know its still early since I just joined, so it's ridiculous to feel this way, but I kind of feel like I made a mistake accepting the bid. How can I get to know the girls more, given that it's such a huge chapter (almost 250), and they're already super tight and have been together for almost 6 months?

Her phone could be dead, turned off, in her coat pocket.... many other things. Next time you meet, be honest with her about being scared. It is a natural response. Just next time you are at the house, don't bolt and run. Linger a little longer. Check out the Art work or awards on the walls or shelves. Take a trip to rest room to catch your breath. You will meet one more, than one more and before you know it 20 than 30. You will probably never know all the secrets of all 250, maybe not even what major they are in. But you will have education sessions, study tables, socials when you will slowly build those feelings. It doesn't come overnight and they didn't have it instantly either.

They are a big chapter. Out of all the girls they could have asked to join, they chose you. They must have seen something they liked. The next time you go over, and I hope that is today, remember that.

It is hard work to feel comfortable in a new situation. Do they have a house? Do they serve meals? If so, hang out at the house, and go have lunch and dinner-every day if you can. When you meet your fellow new members, make an effort to get to know them. Invite them to grab a coffee, or make a date to eat lunch with them at the house.
Make an effort!

You can't expect to know everyone in a day, week, month, semester. None of them did. As "super tight" as they all seem, I guarantee you that in a chapter of 250 women, that many of them are NOT very close. They'd be lucky to know every member of their group. One of the big ways that the whole group gets closer is through recruitment. You'll experience that in the fall when you are all together 24/7 for weeks. Obviously walking into a house with 250 women you don't know is intimidating, but don't freak yourself out. They KNOW you don't know anyone...but you will soon. Your bid day buddy will introduce you to sisters. You'll get a big sis soon who will help make the chapter a little smaller for you. BUT you have to make an effort to smile, make conversation and meet some of these women.

I'm a naturally shy person who has to force myself to be sociable in new situations, especially around new people. I know *exactly* what you mean when you describe the awkwardness you can feel sometimes, and feel like I could have written your post myself at some point in the past.

I say all that to point out that I think you know that this has more to do with you and much less to do with them. And, to say that this is such an amazing opportunity for you!! It took me more years than I would like to be able to fake my way through a meet and greet, and I think this is a great way for you to learn in less time what it took me years to learn. :)

When I say "fake my way through" I don't mean that I'm acting fake or that I'm being insincere. I mean that I have to convince myself that I'm likeable, and that no one else sees the awkwardness that I see in myself. The more I think about myself, the more I draw in, get quiet, and stop meeting people. The less I think about myself and the more I remember to fake my confidence, the easier it is to step outside my comfort area, talk to people I don't know, and just enjoy myself. I've actually had people tell me that their first impression of me is that I'm really outgoing, which is crazy talk! In my mind, I'm the least outgoing person I know. But I can fake it pretty well, apparently. :)

I'm not saying it's easy, but it is a necessary skill that will serve you well when you start working. I can't tell you how many networking events, training sessions, and cocktail parties I've had to go to for work, and this is a skill you will use for all of them.

Bottom line, my advice is to stick it out, and use this as an opportunity to train yourself how to be more comfortable in situations where you are surrounded by a large group of strangers. If you can convince yourself that you'll have fun, chances are that you will. If you feel awkward and want to leave, make a promise to yourself that you'll stay 10 more minutes, and if you are still miserable you can leave then, but at least you will have stuck it out a bit longer and who knows what will happen?

Good luck!! I think you'll be great. :)

Congratulations on your membership! pbear19 gives you good advice, and so did FSUZeta, in that you should go over there TODAY. I know that is going to seem crazy awkward, but if you can screw up the courage, it will start to get you through this phase and on to the actual friends stage which contrary to what so many girls think, is NOT automatic.

And you need to stop seeing them as beautiful girls who are better than you and accept that you are one of them now. From now until the day you die. Appreciate that, wallow in it awhile, try not to get arrogant about it, but understand you have been accepted by a prestigious important group of young women.

Everyone here gives awesome advice. My only addition would be to try to spend some time with the bid day girl and get to know her. If you can, go to the house and talk to girls-in my house, I use to just go to the common area and talk to girls who were there. We'd watch TV or bake or work on homework and make conversation. It was a good way to get to know my sisters.

Also, try to find out if any of them are in your classes! It happens that, for two semesters now, I have not had sisters in my classes, but I feel as though I'm in the minority. If you have class with a sister, you two can walk to class together, sit together, grab coffee together...it'll give you another chance to develop a friendship with someone, if you can swing it.

Ok, this next one is very millennial and I'm probably the only person who'd suggest it, but here goes: add them on facebook. Don't mass-add them (that's kind of weird), but do add them as you meet them (or accept them as they add you). And then look at that little thing on the side that shows common likes and see if you have any mutual favorite shows or books or bands. Maybe you and two or three sisters are major Revenge fans. It's as simple as saying, "when I added you on facebook, I noticed that you were a fan! Can you believe that [leaving out major spoiler from last week! :p]?" and striking up a conversation. Sorry, I warned that this was a very 21st century method of getting to know people.

Either way, it takes time to make friends. Just remember that they chose and want you, and you should be happy to consider yourself part of the group.

This is why I hate the concept of integrating new members into the chapter right away. It's way too intimidating, especially in such a huge chapter. Are you the only person who received a bid through COB? If not, make an effort to get to know the other girls who did. They're in the same boat.

Your bid day buddy was no doubt looking perfect because that's what's expected at chapter meetings in your chapter. I guarantee you she has her days of looking like poo, everyone does.

Thanks ladies for all your great advice and support! I'm still pretty nervous about the whole thing, being so late to join, but I really want to make this work and befriend as many of the girls as I can before the summer. I just keep trying to tell myself "THEY picked YOU, no need to get nervous or awkward." I didn't have time to go over to the house the past few days - school is REALLY hectic for me this week. But I'm actually going over in a few hours - the new member coordinator is going to show me around some more, go over chapter stuff, and then introduce me to some of the girls. So wish me luck! Haha.

You'll be fine. Enjoy your time at the house!

Frostique:

It is ok and normal to be nervous - however, think about it- you are a great communicator via the written word- you will be just as great via the spoken word.

Have a great evening and let us know how things go tonight!

Yep! Normal! Give it a little time. Ask your bid day buddy introduce you to a few sisters. Those few will introduce you to others and soon you will have a little group of great sisters that you are friends with and feel really comfortable around. It will take time....oh, and chapter meetings can be really intimidating!!! Bring pen and paper and write down the important stuff. if you have questions as your buddy and she will explain it. Once you understand the craziness of the meeting, it will all start to make sense. I always found chapter meeting to be my favorite time of week. All my sisters in one place....Its where I always felt connected to them.

Thanks for the advice!

It actually went pretty well at the house the other day. The NM Coordinator sat down with me and 3 of the other new girls, and went over some chapter information. Then we all sat and chatted for a while, and a few of the older girls would come and introduce themselves and chat for a little while too.

So I guess right now I'm more just meeting some different girls and learning names than actually getting to know them, but it's nice because everyone is welcoming and friendly. :)

Great news! :o

The good news is it sounds like your chapter is doing a great job with you and trying their best not to overwhelm. They may be failing at that, but at least they're trying!

Do reach out to your pledge sisters. It may be a small group, but all the more reason to hang on to each other. And life lesson #486, you will be making those awkward, hey, I'm DubaiSis and I'm in your pledge class. Want to go to coffee? conversations a lot in your life. Getting more comfortable with it now is a good thing.

I'm glad to hear that everything's going well!

I know that you're trying to make a point, but I have to say that (and I don't know frostique) not everyone who communicates brilliantly on the internet or in writing is an excellent speaker. They're very different skills, and conversation relies on the ability to pull out fast responses that are directly related to what the other person says.

Again, nothing to do with the OP, but it's really not always the case.

I totally know what you mean haha. In professional settings, like interviews or presentations, people tell me I seem really well-spoken and in control of myself. But when it's personal/casual conversation with someone I don't really know, I sometimes start to get a little uncomfortable. Because then it's more "CRAP what do I say to make this person like me" haha.

frostique - It sounds like you have such a good head on your shoulders, and that you've joined a great group of women. I wanted to add my two cents of encouragment:

1) I agree that formal recruitment (as a sister, recruiting others) is one of the most bond-tastic times for a chapter. Often it's when the previous year's new member classes really integrates with the older girls. So you have that to look forward to in the fall!

2) (I say this because many of us have experienced this in one way or another, and many new members post about said situations on these forums) In a chapter of 250, remember that not all of the sisters will know what's up as far as new COBs, and the new members from fall probably won't recognize all of the sisters yet anyway. If you ever have an encounter with a sister who seems less welcoming than others, she's probably a fall member who isn't sure if you're an older sister who came back from being abroad, an older member she just hasn't met yet, or a visitor to the house, etc. Confusion will happen at some point, so don't take it as any kind of reflection on you.

3) Formal recruitment will be a great time to build those conversation skills! I think that recruitment practice was the single most beneficial activity in my life for building those skills.

4) Ask your new member educator about what activities are coming up, and make an effort to go to them! Social events are always fun, but the activities where you get to know the sisters better are study marathons, sisterhood activities, IM sports games (playing or just cheering), studying/watching tv at the house, skit/competition preparation (Greek Week, Spring Fling, LipSync, etc.)

Good luck! I think you're going to have a great time!

Introverts are often very good at public speaking, which surprises people, but it is a totally different type of task than 1-on-1 interaction.

Straying off subject a smidge, one of my sisters dated a radio guy for awhile. He literally had groupies and was great on the radio, but man oh man was he a lousy conversationalist. The first time you met him he seemed really in tune with you, then after awhile you realized he was briefed on what you were into and could ONLY talk to you about that thing and brought it up over and over again like you're some one dimensional person with one interest in life. ACK.

Me too! That's why I brought it up. I'm still learning how to make small talk and have a great conversation. But I'm very good at public speaking. Go figure. Point being, I completely get your situation, but you seem to be making the best of it.

I'm the same as a couple of you - I have no problem with public speaking whatsoever, but still think that I am very awkward when it comes to conversational speaking. There's something about public speaking that just calms me down, takes away the pressure. Which is weird, because I know it's opposite for most people. I don't even mind unscripted public speaking, or having to come up with an impromptu response. (I'm in law school, and have no serious fear of the courtroom aspect of litigation, for example.)

But put me in a room where I have to socialize, and it takes a great effort of will to get started. Once I have been there for a bit and have relaxed, I'm ok, but I still get a decent amount of anxiety at first.

All that is beside the point. I really just wanted to post to tell the OP that I'm really glad things are looking up, and I'm excited for you to continue to get to know your sisters and find your niche within the sorority!!