How do I tell my mother I do not want to go through recruitment?
 

This is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It might seem like a petty teenage girl problem, but I love my mother so much and I know how much this means to her.
She and my grandmother are Alumnae of Delta Delta Delta at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa and my sister is an active member of Delta Delta Delta.

Over the past 4 years of high school, I have thought heavily about this. I know it's bad and I should have told her earlier but I honestly thought this feeling would go away.
Ever since I was a little girl she has told me she can't wait to be sisters and I know how proud of my sister she is for pledging DDD. We don't live in Alabama, but she is still best friends with about 7 of her sisters and every now and then they do go out to brunch together. About 2 weeks ago we met up with them and 2 of the ladies have daughters who are graduating this year like me. My mother and her friends kept going on and on about how they can't wait for us to go through recruitment together and it will be wonderful for us to all be sisters together. They kept going on and on about how now is more important than ever to being prepping and to focus more on my conversational skills etc. My mom is so ecstatic at the fact that she thinks I will be going through recruitment. I know how much this means to her but I honestly do not feel being in a sorority is for me and I think it is only something that should be done when you want it.

My mom always tells me it was one of the best decisions of her life because even to this day, she's still best friends with some of her sisters and she goes on and on about how much fun I would have and how naturally well rounded it makes you.

I know I might seem over the top about this, but I honestly cannot bare to break her heart.

How do I tell her? I feel so bad about this and I haven't even told my father how I feel because he is a SAE and he always talks about how beneficial greek life is and that it goes just beyond memories.

btw, I was accepted into Bama, Ole Miss and TCU. Naturally, growing up around Crimson Tide spirit I DO want to go to Bama, I just don't want to go through recruitment.

Help?

I think I missed something here. Why don't you want to go through recruitment? It sounds like your family really felt Greek life was beneficial to them. What is it specifically about recruitment that bothers you? Are you shy? Are you just nervous about how big recruitment is at Bama? Do you not want to disappoint your mom if DDD is not for you?

So, what specifically is it about being in a sorority that doesn't feel right? I think in order to be honest with your mom, you need to understand exactly why you're not interested yourself.

And the "it doesn't feel like a good fit" is a cop out answer, so dig deep. What is the real reason?


I'll be the first to admit, I rushed because my parents thought it was a good idea. I wasn't sold on the idea of being in a sorority, but I went through rush, and by the end of the week I was ready to pledge.

I can totally understand not wanting to follow in big sister's footsteps -to want to blaze your own trail - but if this is what you want to tell your mom, it will help to have some good well thought out reasons. Bama is one of those schools where most people only get one shot at recruitment, its hard to change your mind next year.

As for not being the "type," I also was not - or am not? - the "sorority type." Grandmama gave me some money and sent me off to rush. I can tell you those stereotypes did not fit me and my sisters, but we sure had a great time together. Bama is a big place, and it could really help to have some friends by your side right from the start.

"Mom -- I don't want to go through recruitment."

LOL

I really can't explain why I have no interest. I am friends with girls over at Alabama who are in sororities and I wouldn't be friends with them if I didn't think they were cool, but, for some reason I just do not feel greek life is me.
I have girl friends but, I guess since I'm an athlete and have been my whole life and I'm a major tomboy according to my parents haha, I've always been "one of the guys."

I know houses are filled with girls of different interests, career goals, personalities and hobbies, but I don't know. I guess I rather just float through college on my own.

I know competition is tough over there and I'm in a position that hundreds of girls would love to be in. All of my letters of recommendation are coming from women I grew up around and who know me personally, thanks to my mother and father. And I know girls over there because they happen to be daughters of my mother and fathers friends or they are friends of my sister. I'm thankful for the connections I have or would have if I go through recruitment but I just kind of want to float through college on my own I guess.

I think I'm looking for a softer way to tell her haha, without making her go into shock.

I was in a similar situation when I was in school.

My family is a military family, so my dad pushed me to join after graduation. I didn't think I would be a fit, so I tried beating around the bush so I'd spare his feelings.

That didn't work. He didn't stop pushing it until I sat down and said "I. AM. NOT. JOINING. THE. MILITARY."

You're an adult and this is your life. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Your mom will get over it eventually.

Before you make your decision, be absolutely positively sure about this. I'm not an expert on the SEC, but if you suddenly change your mind and want to go through recruitment your sophomore year, your options may be more limited. Something that you thought you didn't want, could become something you despertly do want.

FWIW, my advice is go through recruitment. During the process you can always withdraw yourself. But at least you know that you gave it a fair chance before writing it off completely.

This reads a little too close to that Dear Abby letter/thread.

Go through recruitment. It may very well surprise you and if you feel the same way during it, you will know for sure it isnt for you and will be in a much better position to explain to your mother why because you tried and experienced it. Or you could walk into your legacy house and tell them you don't want to join them so they drop you. Or put them at the bottom of your first round list.

By the way, you do know that your legacy status, friends and recs do not guarantee you'll get a bid in this day and age at those schools right?

Coming as someone who has always been typed as a tomboy, take a chance to be different. Why not try recruitment? Normally I wouldn't push it at all. However, I am used to a school where even Juniors have been known to get bids. It seems like Bama is kind of a one chance school when your chance is your freshman year. I just don't want you to look back and see regret.

As Maggie said, you can always withdraw during recruitment if you decide it is absolutely horrible.

Yes ma'am, I know that. But I know in the minds of many PNMs I'm in a great position, especially for those who have aren't legacies or have limited connections.

Maybe my mind will change after Preview Day in March, but as of now even being around my mother and her friends has not changed my mind.

This.

Quadruple this.

Does the OP have any idea how many Tri Delta legacies there are for these schools?

My opinion.
 

Obviously, my feeling is that you should go through recruitment and see for yourself. You are making this decision before you've even experienced it for yourself and if I was your Mom -- that wouldn't seem fair.

That being said, IF you go through with your decision NOT to participate in recruitment. I would have the talk with your Mom sooner rather than later. Please don't have all of her friends go to the trouble of writing recommendations for you, only to discover that you never planned to even sign up.

I have already acknowledged being a legacy has no huge significance. My point was that there are girls are not legacies and they would love to be or to have that sort of family history.

Give me a break.
 

Come on... She is a triple legacy to THAT chapter with a sitting sister in the house. That's pretty special.

I think she just means that I won't be the ONLY girl to be a legacy and that couldn't be any more true. I won't be the first or only, which is why Alabama recruitment is super competitive and I think most of the girls are legacies.

I didn't really mean to come across as I think I'm special for that, I just think the whole situation makes it worse on how I feel. It would be one thing if my mom was trying to live through me and make me go through recruitment, but I'm her second and last daughter and I know how happy she was when my sister went through recruitment and received a bid for DDD.

I mean, Preview Day is on March 24 and maybe my mind will change then, but as of now if it doesn't I don't want to drag everyone along.

I'm not sure if GreekChat is the place to get advice on how to tell your mom you're not interesting in joining. I mean, the overwhelming majority of members here are in a GLO or are considering joining one, so I think you'll find that you're going to see a lot more people pushing you towards giving it a try then telling you how to break the news.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

Is her sister a sitting member at all three schools she mentioned that she has been accepted to? That IS pretty special.

She doesn't say where her sister is a member. Here's what she said:

OP - Either go through recruitment or don't. We are all members of GLOs, so we think you should at least give it a shot. Telling your parents that you don't want to do something that they want you to do is something you're going to have to learn how to do as an adult.

I should have been clearer with my situation.
I was accepted into Alabama, Ole Miss and TCU but my sister is currently a DDD at Alabama.
Going to another uni was never really an option for me.
My whole family is all about Alabama haha and growing up around Tide fans makes you really want to go there. I just brought that up...I'm not sure why.

I think you've gotten a lot of useful info here, and I'm not sure what else can be said. If you don't plan to go through recruitment, do your mom and her friends/sisters a favor and tell her before anyone goes through any trouble for you. If you're on the fence, commit to at least meeting all the groups before writing them all off - what have you got to lose?

Go to preview weekend. If you still aren't feeling it then, tell your mom, "Mom, I know this has been an awesome experience for you and sis, but I'm just not feeling it." However, do realize that if you don't rush this August, your chances at DDD or ANY sorority drop considerably. And therein lies the problem.

This is one of those times when I hate hate hate HATE pre-freshman rush more than usual. The OP didn't say this, but it kind of seems like she's afraid of just getting swallowed up into DDD or Greek life in general whether she wants that or not, without a chance to make choices that are truly her own. If she had a semester or a year to try out campus life as an independent, without feeling like that would scuttle her chances, it might help tremendously.

My understanding about recs in this type of situation was that they would kind of be like Christmas cards - women would write them up for her whether she rushed or not. I'm sure it's much easier to do them for someone you already know.

At this point, it probably doesn't matter anyway. You have given away enough information (current sister, familial ties, out of state, and class rank) that DDD at Alabama (or any of the other schools) will be able to figure out who you are. You've made it perfectly clear that you are incapable of making adult decisions and even more importantly, that you have NO DESIRE to join their group. In fact, you can't even articulate a reason why, you just know that you don't want to be one of them. So, if you want the easy answer, go through *rush* and let DDD drop you, then instead of disappointing your mom yourself, you can let her blame the sorority she so dearly loves and possibly taint her memories of something so beloved to her. Yep, that's definitely the way to go...

This.

Wow...that was harsh. Anyway, to the OP, just because your family members have all been DDDs and have had one experience in Greek Life at Bama doesn't mean that is the only experience. There are so many great things about Greek Life that could enrich your experience in college. While it might disappoint your mom that you wouldn't be her sister, going through recruitment and finding a chapter that fits YOU and would give you a sense of belonging on a large campus may be great experience for you. I know what it is like to feel like you are being pushed to be like an older sibling and your mom even though you know you aren't the same. For me it was a professional issue not a sorority thing, but sometimes finding the right thing for you doesn't have to be a complete divorce from the system...cutting your nose off to spite your face, so to speak. You say you are athletic and more laid back. That sounds like my chapter in college. We won every intramural sporting event and philanthropy sporting competition you can think of. I wasn't into that, but a lot of my sisters were. Not all chapters are girly. The whole point of recruitment is to figure out where you fit best. You might find out that DDD is where you fit...or it might be in another organization. You won't know if you don't go through recruitment. If nothing feels right, you can always drop out. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling unsure about this if you think sorority women are all like your family members and you aren't like them.

I would have a discussion with her about this anyway... Again, sooner rather than later. I think you should at least warn her that it isn't your lifelong dream to be a DDD. It might turn out that you realize this IS what you want, but if it doesn't, you don't want her to be completely blindsided if/when you don't sign up for recruitment.

Very true. It can be intimidating to think that you're jumping into friendships on day negative 5 into your college career, and that you'll have to hang out with the same girls for 4 years. Many people don't want that. And they don't want the SEC sorority experience. I'm pretty sure I would have hated sorority life if that was the only experience I could have had. But some girls love it, even when they don't know it beforehand. There are so many different scenarios that could play out. And if you were going to any other school, I'd probably tell you not to worry about Greek life in semester/year one. However, you're planning to attend a school where, for the most part, you have to decide before day 1 of class whether or not you intend to join a sorority.

Just think things through before you dismiss it completely. However, if that's ultimately what you decide to do, then I hope you get involved in other ways. College is a great place to create lifelong friendships, regardless of whether or not you're a member of a Greek organization.

Uh... Seriously? Calm down. It's not THAT serious. Don't freak the OP out. I'm sure every one of us has had a time in our lives when we've worried about telling our parents one thing or another because it might disappoint them.

I'll be the first to admit I only went through recruitment because my mother really wanted me to. I'm at an SEC school, and also something of "guy's girl". I can honestly say joining Kappa has been one of the best experiences of my life. There are a lot of other tomboys in the house and I've never felt pressured to change myself for my sisters. That being said, if you don't fit in at your legacy house, don't join. If you don't feel right about it, then it might not be for you, but that doesn't mean there isn't a right house for you. Non-girlie girls certainly can be Greek, and going Greek has introduced me to some some awesome guy friends as well as girl friends.

I'm pretty girly, but I'm not really like a "sorority girl" (I hate classifying people like that, but it seems to make sense here) in any other way-at all. I just liked the people. :) So I say at least check it out! You may find girls you really click with and are proud to call sisters.

I will concur. Go through recruitment. It hurts nothing.

My mother insisted I go through [she's also a Delta Delta Delta], and I did to appease her.

While I didn't end up pledging her sorority, I found one that fit me, and have gone on to be very active in it, which amuses my mother to this day. Putting aside my teenage "I know better than my mother what is a fit for me" in this instance turned out to be one of the best things I ever did.

If you go through recruitment and don't feel it's for you, then you know. Otherwise, you never will.

It hurts nothing, and in the grand scheme of things is a small investment in your time.

Good luck.

TELL HER WIT YO MOUF

:D ^^ That made me lol.

I did not know this and I am so incredibly grateful that your mother insisted :)

My daughter grew up asking when she gets to be an Alpha Gam but now isn't sure whether she would consider being greek and is especially concerned that Alpha Gams have an unnatural squirrel obsession. Only one of the schools that she is considering has an Alpha Gam chapter. Although I would love it more than anything is she were to become my sister, I have to respect her to do what is right for her. She knows I will assist her financially if she chooses to go greek and she has discovered SAI, which appeals to her a lot (because she's into music). When we visited the University of Michigan on Saturday, I told her "You know I have to drive you by the house because it's such an incredible house." Her dad was amazed at the size and beauty of that house and asked her if she was going to join her mom's sorority. I said "She's not sure she's feeling it but she knows that I'll help her pay dues if she decides to join any sorority."

I'm glad she openly told me that she might not be interested in a sorority. I happen to know, because I know these things, that she would love the experience. She would find the leadership opportunities, the community service opportunities and the "family" feeling she has now in marching band. I know she's gong to miss those things, especially the last one. The marching band is so much like a sorority or fraternity because you work closely together to achieve a common goal, you don't like everybody in the band, but you end up loving them and rallying for them if something bad happens to them. You share a passion and that becomes bigger than individual relationships.

You need to tell your mom your concerns. But I'm also going to encourage you to go through recruitment. You don't have to accept a bid, but it's worth giving a try.

I guess you're right. It doesn't hurt anyone to go through with it. I'm of course going to Preview Day, that's not an option lol but maybe I will wait until then to break the news. Maybe i'll leave that day wishing to be a DDD.

I would hate to disappoint my mother and I know how much it means to her for me to continue the tradition.

I agree with the women who said to talk to your mom now about your concerns but plan on going through.

The worst case scenario is you go through and decide it isn't for you. All you are out is a week of your time and some sleep. On the positive side, you show your mom that you care about the things that matter to her enough to give it a go.

You might find out you like it and find a home.

You are entering that time of life where you will start to make more of your own decisions. While I do believe it is important that you become your own person, I also think you can invest a lot in the family relationship bank by honoring what is important to your family members and going through recruitment. I suspect that even if you don't pledge somewhere, family relations will be better if you at least give it a try. :)

I am an active KD alumna. I have been president of my alumnae chapter, chairwoman for quite a few committees and on the national leadership team. When she was little, my daughter would always tell her godmother who is my pledge sister and me that she was going to join KD when she went to college so that she would now the meaning of AOT. When she went to school, they did have a KD chapter along with others. She very bluntly let me know that she was not going to go through recruitment. She is a very independent young lady. Her only reaction from me was, "then you make sure you get involved in something at school. You are not going to just sit around in your dorm room."

Talk to you mother. You may be pleasantly be surprised by her response.

DaffyKD

Are you afraid of failing to live up to your mom's and sister's expectations? Alabama is a really tough recuritment. I'd be scared to death that my mom and sister were expecting me to be a superstar and go DDD and I would do a terrible job at rush and get cut. It would freak me out to have that much pressure.

I also tended to define myself in opposition to my mom for most of my life, so if my mom had been gung ho on joining a sorority, and in particular gung ho on joing one sorority in particular, there would have been no way that I would have rushed or joined her sorority. It's not that I didn't love my mom, but I didn't want to be just like her or do what she said. Mom was awesome, but she was also sort of pushy and controlling and she always knew what was better for me than I did. Just ask her. :)

My reaction let my mom run my life almost as much as if I did everything my mom thought I should. I was reacting to her ideas and being oppositional, rather than making decisions for my self. Not all of my mom's ideas were bad, but I would NOT admit that for a long time.

So... set aside your mom and your sister. Pretend that no one in your family has ever been in a sorority. Knowing what you know about the experience does it look like something you'd like to do? If my answer was "Yes, that looks like fun,' then I'd go through rush and pledge elsewhere. I wouldn't be a TriDelt, unless I totally fell in love with the house. You sound like you need a little space between you and sister and your mom to develop your own talents and interests. You can do that in another sorority.

If it doesn't sound good, or if you want to spend more time on sports or something else, I wouldn't do it. Tell your mom and your sister that you love them, and you know that they love being in a sorority, but you want to devote your college time to other things. (And have an idea what those things are.) Your mom deserves a reason that doesn't sound critical of her choices or your sister's choices. Make it about you and use "I" statements -- "Mom, I have to tell you something. I know you love your sorority and I respect that, but I don't want to be in a sorority. I want to spend more time on studies/sports/theater/music/band/whatever. I know I'm disappointing you, but I really don't want to go through recruitment."

If the answer is "I don't know what I want to do" then I would go through recruitment. You can always drop, if you really think it isn't for you. I think this would be a good idea, anyway. You know one group of women who are your mom's age and your sister's friends. You probably should meet more groups before you decide that none of them are people you want to hang with. If you decide to list another sorority first, you don't have to tell your mom. She'll just assume that you didn't match with DDD.

Oh, yes! A million times this! My parents wanted me to go through recruitment for exactly this reason.


With modern technology, it's easier than ever to be isolated - to the point where it's essentially socially acceptable.

The beauty of *any* organization is the ability to connect with people.

Yep. I will say what Dear Abby always says: Show your mother this thread and say "I wrote this." She may have NO idea that you feel even a smidgen of this way, and might be aghast that she put this on your shoulders when you are worrying about so many other things.

Also, to the people who are reaming this girl out: yeah, there are noobs who come on here and deserve it from what they say, but I honestly cannot fathom why anyone thinks this person is one. I don't think she was disrespectful or shallow in the least.