Dating/trusting a frat boy?
 

A month ago, I met this boy in a fraternity that my sorority worked with during Homecoming and we got to know each other. I've heard from my sisters that he liked me. He's always been shy around me. Yesterday, I met up with him at the library and we headed over to his fraternity's house and we went to his room and I initially sat on the sofa instead of his bed where he sat down. Eventually I got up to look around his room and then sat down next to him. We talked for a good 15 minutes. Throughout that, he laid down on his bed and I was still sitting and it felt awkward so I propped my arm and leaned back. Eventually my arm gave out and I laid down next to him. And he put his around me and I turned to face him and he pulled me in closer and eventually we kissed...yeah! But we just kissed, that was it, NOTHING MORE! And of course his brothers thought otherwise when we walked of his room. And I have always put school first, so he is kind of like the first relationship I've had in a while (since high school and I'm a sophomore in college.) He never really officially asked me out or asked me to be his girlfriend so we're technically not dating. His fraternity is having a holiday party at their house but I'm flying home that weekend, so I can't go. Just being me, I'm having these insecurities because looking at the list of who's going, a good chunk are girls from different sororities or GDIs and a good portion are sisters which is good. I guess what I'm trying to say is, people who are greek, how do you deal with trusting someone to be "good" at parties. I mean we're dating and if he does hook up with a girl, it'd technically would be fine since we're not official...I feel really childish asking this but it has been eating up for a bit.

#1. This is a hard lesson but never go up to a fraternity man's room unless you want people to think what they're now thinking about you.

#2. You're not "dating." You should have no expectations of his behavior at this party or any other time.

Oh jeez, I'm so far from "that girl." I do not sleep around, I barely drink, and it really kinda kills me inside that people are possibly thinking this...And I was wearing letters at the time -_______- FML

Only way to trust him is to be dating him. Even then you probably want to ask around about him and how his at parties.

From experience every guy has a mo when he is partying. If you really don't trust him get some sisters to scope him out...

I can still back out of this, right? I mean, I've just seen one side of him. The nice, shy, sweet guy. I haven't seen him at a party or at least drunk. But even before yesterday, like during Homecoming, a lot girls would jump up and hug him. It just sucks have insecurities of a guy you're not technically dating. And am I total failure for going into his room with letters? I'm pretty sure he had an ulterior motive to do more than just kiss yesterday...

You're not dating. You're not anywhere near dating. You're not in the same county as dating.

It doesn't matter if you're not that girl. Perception is reality and you gave people something to talk about. Like I said, hard lesson to learn.

Shy or not, this guy took you up to his room thinking he'd have some kind of chance with you at something. He didn't even take you out for as much as a happy meal beforehand. So not dating.

Is there really a possibility that his brothers and him talked about what happened?

Yeah, I'd have to agree with some of the others, it doesn't seem like it's officially a relationship.

With regards to being confident in how he conducts himself at parties, it all comes down to trust, especially if/when you two are officially dating. My girlfriend and I are both Freshman at Auburn, we've been dating for almost 2 months. Her sorority and my fraternity have both had swaps/date-nights/functions with organizations other than our own, and I completely trust her when she has a date to her sorority's function (when they have swap with a different Fraternity) and vice-versa. It all comes down to trust.

I'm no Dr. Phil, but if you're confused in any way, try talking to him about it. Also, do you like him? If so, have you considered asking him out/to be your boyfriend, or are you more old-fashioned?

Best of luck!

I'm more old-fashioned, like I wait and reading the replies of what people have said, it makes me look back on my behavior and judgement of the situation. What I thought was potentially something was probably just something disguised. I feel like an idiot for even letting myself go down that road. I know I told myself the first day I moved into my dorm that I would never date a frat boy. I feel really ashamed I let myself down. What I thought could be this different guy in fraternity who actually cared, really ended up matching the stereotype that he just wanted me to get in bed with him.

#1. This is such a double standard and ridiculous in this day and age. Boys (and girls for that matter) are always going to lie, even if no one's room was involved in the least. I doubt that anyone is "thinking" about her at all...unless it's as...

#2. "OMG, all they did was suck face and now she thinks she's his girlfriend or something. Stalker alert!"

OP - some guys are the guy that every girl loves and who flirt with everyone. They are also usually the guys who when they DO fall, they fall hard. The closest way to completely ruin your chances with this man is by being paranoid. MC is right, you are NOWHERE NEAR dating. You sucked face. That was it. If you get all stalkery and paranoid, people ARE going to think you slept with him. Tell him to have fun at the party, and see where it goes when you both get back to school.

You're not an idiot, don't beat yourself up! I'll bet your a really sweet girl, sounds like it's really his loss if he wanted something different. Not all "frat boys" live up to the stereotype of what movies/tv shows such as Glory Daze and Animal House (although, I must admit, there are quite a few I've met...including some in my own Fraternity haha).

I know it's said all the time, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. Everything happens for a reason.

OMG by no means did I intend to be crazy person, although it seems evident. But he walked me back to the library and did mention "I guess we're dating now" but it seemed sarcastic in my view

Have we ascertained that this guy is never going to call her again because he didn't get to seal the deal? It seems like everyone's painting him to be a dick and I missed the part where she said he never talks to her any more because she sucked face with him.

Although WTF at walking you back to the library (unless there's a bus stop there or something).

Well thank you! I just don't get it anymore. A lot of the sisters in my sorority said he's really sweet and nice, but I just don't know where to go from there. I think it's best if I just let it go...I think?

No one said it was fair. It's just the reality of the situation. People are going to gossip, but you don't need to hand it to them by going up to some guy's room.

Oh no, I had a study group to go to for a test I had today so he didn't want me walking back alone so he offered to walk me there.

perhaps he's just shy. Maybe wait and see if you are actually dating before embarking on the psychological drama.

If he goes to a party and picks up another girl, then he's just not that into you. If he doesn't - well then, there's an answer as well.

And by continuing to bend to it, you continue to perpetuate it. I'm betting you never hear guys telling each other "OMG Justin, don't go up to a girl's room!" Live in the 1950s, whatever.

Oh ok, as long as it was where you had to be. I meant WTF at dumping you at the library when he should have walked you back to your house/apartment/dorm.

Well thank you for answering the main bulk of my question!! But I guess I really just have to see for myself as to where this all goes.

Yeah I was pretty clear when I told him, "Okay I need to leave right NOW!" (I probably sounded like a total nerd for having to be at the library...bio major, what do you expect?)

oh and I don't think I've been asked to be anyone's girlfriend since sixth grade

Is that just saying no one really asks people out anymore? I'm sorry, I haven't been in a relationship since freshman year of high school because I was stupid and naive. But after that break up, I was focused on school and friends and had no time for a boyfriend.

It was in relation to this:

My husband and I neither "dated" nor "asked each other out", we mostly hung out and did stuff in groups. Just saying he may not have "asked you out" because it's not really something he or his bunch of friends do.

So I really just have to ask him to see what we are then.

OMG no. You made out with him once. Unless he's calling and texting you every day, having "the talk" now would send him screaming and running in the other direction.

He was texting me later that night after he walked me to the library and we texted today but yeah, he kinda kept asking if I was gonna come over to the house...but I had so much to do before I left for the airport to go home today. He kinda talked about how he wished I was lying in bed with him...Because that really sounds like a lasting relationship right there...

It depends where you live or go to school. I live far away from Auburn but from where I'm from people don't really ask other people out. Here in the south, more specifically Auburn, it's quite common. I asked my girlfriend to be my girlfriend after we hung out a few times/went to some football games together.

peacelovegreek

The best advice that I can give you is to please try to relax about the situation. You have not been branded with the scarlet letter because you went into a boy's room one time. If you're spending every night at a different fraternity house (which I don't believe you are), then that's a problem.

He may like you and want to date you. He may not. If you overthink this situation and start grilling him about what your relationship is, then you're definitely going to run him off. Just be friendly and see what develops.

Thank you so much for this advice!

Am I the only one getting a troll vibe?

PLG, if this is all for real, slow down and stop asking for advice from random people on the internet who don't know you, don't know him and don't know anything about this situation except the pieces you've provided. Talk to your real-life friends about it, instead.

Relax. Breathe. Live your life. If he calls or texts and wants to go out, and you want to go out, then do that. Personally, I wouldn't keep meeting at the house only. If he suggests coming to the house, try something like "I'm about to grab something to eat, want to come?" or some other activity that doesn't involve his room. Get to know him, make him get to know you. Breathe. Relax.

No. The first few posts were like the same person conversing with itself.

And yes, ditto the second.

I had that same thought.

Exactly. Just relax and have fun like you were doing before.

And I've seen people ask girls to be their girlfriend. I'm early-20s.

You weren't the only one.

>my face the entire time

http://i44.tinypic.com/2m2jb13.jpg

You seem to be confused as to whether or not you are "dating," which I assume means "having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship." If all you've done is kiss (and that was yesterday), and he hasn't indicated that you are a couple, haven't had "the talk" to discuss exclusivity, you really don't have any claim to him.

You have expectations of how he is to behave, but does he know this? Is there a mutual understanding?

Trying to enforce these expectations aren't fair if you haven't talked about any of this. So, either talk to him and find out where his head is at, or don't act like you're in an exclusive relationship and worry that he'll break your trust.

Agreed. If a guy was focused on me coming to his fraternity house/apartment all of the time and nothing else, combined with the fact that he keeps seeming to mention lying in bed as an activity he'd like to do, that would creep me out a little bit and lead me down the path of thinking he has other motives that may not be in my best interest...but that's just me!

^this