Domestic Violence
 

Whenever I talk about men being the victims of domestic violence, some people chuckle. For years I have been discussing this with people and, like clockwork, I have to challenge people on why they find this funny whether it is real laughter or nervous laughter.

This is another reminder that men are also victims of domestic violence (in woman-man and man-man relationships). It does not make it okay just because they are men. It does not make it a "nondomestic violence topic" just because they are men. This is still domestic violence and this is part of the topic of domestic violence even if women are a higher percentage of domestic violence victims.

http://elev8.com/health/orethawinsto...tic-abuse-men/

My thoughts on domestic violence: People are victims of it (a woman or a man) because they allow it. Bottom line, the first time someone hits you (in general), pushes you, verbally abuses you etc. Just leave. I know I would. I don't know why people stay. They're doing it to themselves when they stay and allow it. To me, it's the same as sitting, sleeping and just plain old living in a pile of dog crap. It would only take one time for me. ONE. Then, see ya.

There is more to it than just leaving.

This is the most polite response to your post that I could muscle. If it was just a matter of leaving, there would not be millions of people around the world being abused. And everyone says they would leave if it was them. What you need to realize is that domestic violence takes many forms and overcoming it is about more than personal strength and personal awesomeness.

Agreed

What you said, because it's nicer than what I would want to say in response, which is "eff your-blame-the-victim mentality." Oops. I just said it.

WOW, seriously?

You do not know what you would do if you haven't ever been in that situation. It's very easy to say you'd "just leave". If you haven't lived it, it's easy to blame the victim, as you did above saying that they allow it.

I hope you don't seriously feel this way because I could never imagine an educated women to be so short-sighted.

And what constitutes verbal abuse varies. Does everyone plan on leaving the moment they have their first heated argument where things get even remotely disrespectful? Or should people wait for a pattern of behavior? Or will many people explain it all away (i.e., "she's a good, Godfearing person who loves me, she's just acting like this because she's really stressed at work"). What will you (in general) do when the person who seemed so awesome sauce seemingly suddenly switches on you for whatever reason? Who knows and the outcome may surprise people about what they assumed about themselves. The strongest person can become "the opposite" in an instant.

The "they should just leave" sounds an awful lot like "you shouldn't dress like a slut if you didn't want to get raped" argument.

Just saying.

I have to admit, I'm always a little happy when people make silly statements about domestic violence. It means that they & those they love haven't been through it.

I never thought about it that way but I absolutely agree with you. It's a luxury to be so naive.

cheerfulgreek, based on some of your posts--especially when it comes to dating and relationships--you come across as extremely naive and judgmental, without a ton of experience. The world does not work as easily as you think it does. If you had a friend or family member who had experienced DV, then you'd know it's not as simple as "just leaving," or that the woman isn't "smart enough" to leave.

[QUOTE=DrPhil;2105076]Whenever I talk about men being the victims of domestic violence, some people chuckle. For years I have been discussing this with people and, like clockwork, I have to challenge people on why they find this funny whether it is real laughter or nervous laughter.


And what have you come up with? Why do people find this or men being victims of rape funny?

Word.

The Chessman (my ex-boyfriend for those who did not follow our D&R soap opera) and I had a conversation about this when we were dating. He did not understand why a woman being physically or sexually assaulted would not fight back--fear, threats, the presence of a weapon, etc. "are not excuses to sit there and take it" as he put it. He jokingly asked me "You're a strong woman--if a man came at you, why not just kick his ass?" I said, "Because he was was bigger than me. And when a 300lb man pins you to the floor, it's about more than just kicking his ass." He shut up. Then, we had an educational moment.

I think you hit a big one with this. A lot of people think "abuse" was an ongoing, consistent pattern. My view on that did not change until a counselor told me that "abuse history" is still a history even if it only happened one time. So when a person is being harmed, I'm pretty sure on e of the factors playing into it is "I'm not 'being abused' it only happened once or twice." This message comes from several directions, including family and friends. Depending on how people are raised and how their worldview is shaped, a woman or man who stays in an abusive situation is weak and a fool and one who leaves after only one time is unforgiving and selfish. He or she will usually catch flack either way.

I would wager, as far as the rape part, because a lot of people assume that men just want sex all the time, no matter the circumstance.

As far as the abuse, the stereotypical picture people have of heterosexual couples is one where the man is taller and larger than the woman. The thought of the smaller person whaling on the larger incites titters. Although of course, this isn't always true - and even if it IS true, a teeny woman can still abuse a man verbally.

IMO all the "aren't men so stupid, we need to take care of them" bashing that has become so prevalent in popular culture is really paving the way for female-on-male abuse - mental AND physical.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that men are supposed to be "strong," and if a woman (who's inherently weak) can hurt him, then he's really not that much of a man. Weak men are funny! (exclamation point to indicate sarcasm)

This is a lovely way of thinking about it.

I was in an abusive relationship in my 20's, which I finally was able to end after seven years. Should I have gotten out sooner, absolutely, but I had to do a lot of reprogramming of my psyche in order to get to the point where I could do so. I was also someone who had said previously things along the lines of "I'm out of there if that ever happens even once." For me, it didn't start out at the extreme. It was losing a temper, having awful things said to me (who hasn't done that), and then an apology, which ratcheted up in intensity every time.

The only thing that I can compare it to is slowly being boiled to death. You're hanging out in a nice comfy pot of water. Slowly the temperature keeps rising, but it's not unbearable. The temperature keeps creeping up, and the next thing you know, you're in a roiling pit of hell.

There's way too much acceptance of women smacking, punching and screaming at men on TV. If the shoe was on the other foot, that show would be shut down. Wrong is wrong, doesn't matter who is hitting- would you want your daughter to grow up to be that woman? Can't we- men, women- everyone- find a better way!?!

As for just leaving...wow, people still think that it's that easy? That's like saying to an addict, "Just don't do that drug again." If it was that easy why would there be treatment centers and programs around the world, or domestic violence shelters?

Which isn't to say it's not incredibly frustrating to be a friend/family member who wants to see the person leave and be happy...but it rarely is that cut and dry. Many of these individuals have been raised with violence, so it's just part of life for them. And abusers have ways to manipulate and control the situation (i.e. wife doesn't get a license, so she can't drive, moving to a remote location, cutting off contact with family/friends) so that "leaving" just isn't that easy. Plus there's usually threats of killing the spouse, kids, family, even the pets if they dare leave.

Because of gender--the constructed way that girls/women and boys/men are taught to operate to express strength (most often masculinity) and weakness (most often femininity).

Men are supposed to be dominant, powerful, and are not supposed to be vulnerable. It's the same as men not thinking about being victims of crimes when men have a higher rate of violent crime victimization than women (with exception for rape and sexual assault). It is more "manly" and more "masculine" to pretend that men are always in charge. This need to be in charge operates when faced with potential victimization from women and other men.

Therefore, men and women laugh when I talk about violence against men.

I experienced a relationship like this as well a few years ago, it took me over two years to get out. It started with an insult. It evolved. In my experience, it creeps up on you.

Also, my ex managed to make me feel very lonely. This feeling of alienation is something I've heard a lot of people who experienced this mention. It is really hard to tell people close to you about this. I think most people know someone who experienced domestic abuse, but it's just not talked about.

For men, I can only imagine how much harder it must be to talk about because men are stereotyped to be strong, in charge, and since being abused is often confused with being weak, they must have a way harder time talking about it and acknowledging that they are being abused.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

The isolation is the worst; I went from having tons and tons of friends to not so many. Of course, going through something awful like that tends to separate the chaff from the wheat in terms of good friends vs. not good friends, but it's terrible to feel so alone.

As someone who primarily practices in the family law arena, needless to say, I deal with the results of abuse for a living. It's difficult to discuss the concept in such general terms as is being attempted here as domestic abuse like a lot of human behavior is very nuanced and it is difficult to generalize.

In my experience, when there's abuse, it often goes both ways. I sometimes have a hard time finding a victim, sometimes it's really easy to find the victim. Sometimes, it's two a-holes who deserve each other.

So, in the case of two assholes who deserve each other, abuse is OK?

It actually is not difficult to discuss the concept in general terms and it is not difficut to generalize. Across millions of domestic violence cases, there are similarities. Generalizations are not intended to apply 100% and even the differences are similar to other differences.

For instance:

This is an accurate observation and generalization that has also been addressed in research.

And for a lot of those people, it is true.

There's no one model that fits all abusive relationships. I've seen this up close and personal with someone I love. She wasn't slowly boiled to death. Yes, it got worse over time, but he was an asshole from the word go. Everyone saw it and brought it up when she first met him, but she wouldn't listen to reason. She liked her fantasy of who he was and what they would be together.

This is also my experience from my law practice. Sometimes there's just an abusive mess.

I debated creating a different user name for this topic. I debated not posting anything at all. And the only reason I'm posting anything is because of what cheergreek said, that for her, it would only be once. I debated it because I don't want to bring shame on my GLO. But, that's not me, Theta doesn't define me, and I do not define her. So here it is:

For my husband and I, it was one time and it saved our marriage.

We were separated, on the verge of divorcing. Why is irrelevant. He came to the house one night when my children were young, my son just a baby. He picked a fight (as he often did around that time), because I confronted him about something. We shouted at each other, screamed, and I tried to just sit and shut up. I called a family member to come over, who was a good mediator. But when someone is in your face, saying awful horrible things, it was very hard for me to toe the line. When he found out I had called my family, he said he was leaving and taking our (then sleeping) daughter with him. Now ya'll know never to get between a moma bear and her cubs, right? I said over my dead body, and he went to push past me and I snapped, and closed fist hit him across the face. A right cross to his left cheek and eye. He ranted and raved more, and I fully expected him to hit me back, but he didn't.

Of course, when the cop pulled into the driveway, I was thoroughly confused, because neither of us had called the police, even though he screamed that he was going to. My well intentioned family member did, not knowing what had happened. I was arrested, because his shiner was obvious, and I spent the night in the county jail, and had a hearing first thing the next morning. I later plead to a lesser charge of disorderly conduct, paid a fine and had a year of unmonitored probation.

Now, of course, we don't condone violence. But that punch was one of the best things to ever happen to our marriage. I honestly don't think that we'd be married to this day had those events not happened. My husband refused to press charges, because he knew he deserved it, and more. It broke his heart to see me standing in a court room like that. The blame lie with both of us. Not long after that, we stopped hating each other and just focused on our kids. A few months after that, we became friends again. A few months after that, we both found our hearts finding their way back. Looking back now, we can chuckle about it.

Never since have I physically harmed him, or vice versa. Never since has he picked a fight to intentionally make me snap, never since has he been verbally abusive. We are better spouses for it, and are healthy and happily married. It took us a long and roundabout way to get here, but we're finally here, and living proof that one domestic experience is not the be all end all. It was not our finest moment, but everything happens for a reason.

Hugs & love to you.

That's exactly how I would describe abuse starting - an insult, a shove, something not worth mentioning when held by itself. Then it piles on and somebody loses it. I actually called a woman's shelter and asked if I was abused. I can remember practicing saying, "I want some time apart, so we can get some counseling," over and over again. When I was branded with a curling iron, what came out of my mouth was, "I want a divorce."

This is something that bothers me, as I prepare to (finally!) marry again. I always said that the only time I was ever lonely was when I was married.

Anyone who's reading this and sees the slightest resemblance to the relationship that they're in, please, call someone, describe a normal day, and see what's up. Don't be overly dramatic, but start an escape plan. Leave some clothes or valuables with someone you trust, especially someone your abuser doesn't know. Save every penny you can, and make sure it's well hidden, and make sure you have a good exit strategy!

IrishLake, I didn't see your post before. ((((((((((((((((((((IrishLake)))))))))))))))))

I don't think that is exactly what Kevin is saying. I think (and Kevin, correct me if I'm wrong), that while the abuse is never okay, it's sometimes hard to find the victim because abuse is so rampant on both sides.

IrishLake, thank you so much for sharing that.

hugs to IrishLake and Honeychile

lol @ the bold parts.
You did -that's how I meant to say it.:o:p

Hugs to IrishLake and honeychile.

Thanks ya'll, but I'm good! We are in a much better place, and we're there together.

So my divorce lawyer couldn't get there that next morning, so the public defender had to present me to the judge, explain how I had no prior history, explained that I am college educated and was employed as an environmental geologist and priors jobs as a scientist. The bailiff standing behind me starting laughing under his breath, I heard him snort! I looked at him funny when he was walking me out of the courtroom, and he said "I really do apologize, ma'am. It's just that we don't get very many "Scientists" through this courtroom. Your husband must have really messed up! C'mon, Professor, I need to take you back to the holding area." I laughed!

Honey, I'm so very happy that you are in a much better place now, too!

I prosecute domestic violence cases. It is one of the hardest things I do because sometimes I can't tell which spouse is the (bigger?) problem. I also feel like I'm being intrusive into what is a private and difficult moment for them.

Hugs to all out there who have experienced this, and if you are currently experiencing it, think about getting out, please.

Considering that it is my goal, after law school, to prosecute domestic violence cases, I wondered about the toll it takes on the attorneys and other workers involved. Thanks for your insight.

And hugs to both Honey and IrishLake, I'm so glad that you are both in better places now!

If you ever want to chat about it send me a PM. I'm happy to help a sister out! :)

Yes and no one knows what they "would do" until they actually do it.

IrishLake, I appreciate your honesty. However, I doubt the hugs and love that you are receiving would be sent out if you were a GC man talking about hitting his wife.

You don't know the motivation or reason for why I posted my "hugs and love" so whether or not I'd post that for a man hitting his partner is nothing to doubt since that hasn't happened, yet. Someone who took the courage to be open and honest in sharing something so personal in relation to this topic is who I'm sending huge and love to, I'm supporting the action of bringing it into the open, not whether or not I agree with their actions.

I totally agree with this. One of my former classmates told me that she was once in an abusive relationship, or what could have been. She said that he got in her face whenever they would get into a heated argument, until one day he called her the "C" word. She said that's all that it took for her to leave. According to her, they were together for 2 years, and she didn't waste any time getting out. I don't blame her one bit. I would have done the same. I'm thinking that's probably how the violence usually starts.