Moving in with BF! I need advice.
 

Hi guys, so here's my predicament.

My boyfriend and I have been friends since we were children, and we have been in a romantic, committed relationship for the past two years. We are really, really great together, and I have no doubts that he might be the one for me. We went to the same undergrad, but he just graduated and I am two years younger, a rising Junior. He is going to graduate school next fall in the area, though, and is looking for an apartment near my school so we can still spend lots of time together.

We found a great two bedroom apartment that is right on my undergrad campus! Literally, it is across the street from my sorority house. I'm wondering if I should move in with him.

Last semester, my roommate went abroad and I was assigned a random person to live with. She was unbearable, so I escaped and spent EVERY NIGHT with my boyfriend in his dorm. This period of living together was a dream, no problems at all.

One of the biggest issues I had then, though, was the ridicule I faced from my sorority sisters and friends. They thought we were too young and it was improper to live together. Moving in with my boyfriend now seems like a great opportunity! But I'm worried if it really is an improper thing to do? Like I said he's right for me, but we're not going to get engaged or married any time soon. Am I too young?

Please help!!!

The only reason that you're questioning this is because of what other people think.

I say that if the two of you are happy, and you believe this is the right decision for you, do it.

The end. :)

I don't know you or your predicament. I lived with my boyfriend for 2 years during college- we split up after graduation. My friends were fine with it and my parents were fine with it. But I don't know your friends or your family. Bottom line is that it's been done, but we can't make that decision for you.

On another note, this forum is starting to get a lot like Dear Abby lately, isn't it??? Why doesn't my girl friend speak to me anymore? Should I move in with my boyfriend? Etc etc.

Have you not lived in the sorority house? Is it a big house that most women live in at one point or another? I'd highly recommend living in the house, because it's a great experience for most women, and it would be a shame to miss out on that.

Yes, but not every sorority member dreams of living with dozens of other girls.

I chuckled and became claustrophobic. ;)

If GC opinions matter:

I don't recommend someone your age moving in with a significant other. If you want to spend an obsessive amount of time together and pretend as though you won't eventually get on each other's nerves, that's fine. But do that while keeping your own living spaces so you can go home if you want to. That's my recommendation as a 30+ person who believes that living with your significant other should not be treated as a hobby or as a regular roommate situation.

I also hated having a roommate and haven't had one since my first year of college.

Also, keep in mind that living together decreases the likelihood that you will get married but increases the likelihood of pregnancy (if you two are fertile). If the probability of those things matter to you, think about it. Everyone thinks they are abooooove the influence and not like everyone else. Yet the statistics apply to more than enough people.

The house only holds 18 girls, and there is an extremely competitive lottery to get in. I've put my name in the lottery every time but no luck! I don't see it as something guaranteed to hold out for in the future

Shacking with a guy every night in his dorm room isn't remotely like living with him. Don't use that to measure how well you'll do when you have real living together issues to deal with every day.

Isn't there also a higher divorce rate for couples who live together before marriage?

As for the bolded, I'm always perplexed by people who would ask for and take advice from total strangers on the internet on something like this. But beyond that, what you said. FWIW.

Yes. Again, that doesn't apply to everyone but people rarely know until they wake up one day and say "oh snap! I'm a statistic!"

They know we seek entertainment and will answer certain questions depending on what mood we're in. :) The funnier thing is that her sorority sisters are now calling her asking her why she needed GC when she had them.

Sure, that's why I said 'most'. My point was more about not missing out on college-y stuff for a boyfriend. If they are going to be together forever, she'll have lots of time to live with him. This is her only chance to be a junior in college. Even if the house is not an option (as it sounds like), living with friends and/or alone is an experience that she won't have once they live together.

I concur with Dr. Phil, though...living together is serious business, and it's hard to know if a 19-year-old can make that decision wisely.

:)

Yes. I can't stress this enough: if marrying this man is important to you, it's not a good idea to move in with him unless you have a ring on your finger and a date set. Otherwise, it's a real crap shoot. A lot of young women go into cohabiting thinking that it's going to inevitably lead to marriage. Of the fifty or so couples I know who lived together without some sort of promise of marriage, I know exactly three couples who made it to engagement. Usually, it happens where the girl is pushing for marriage/engagement and the guy is perfectly happy with the status quo. Of course, it doesn't happen like this all the time. Be very clear about what you think living together means, and make sure your boyfriend is on the same page. If you guys aren't on the same page--and at 20 and 22 it's likely that you aren't, keep your own place.

Also, you have the rest of your life to live with a guy. Your life as a college student is so fleeting and you don't get it back. I was someone who really got to have a great time in college--and I miss it every day. I can imagine that it would be much worse if I hadn't been able to "do my own thing." A few years ago, I was talking to one of my best friends who was joined at the hip with the guy she dated in college. Now, she regrets the fact that she devoted her entire college social life to him...they ended up breaking up right after graduation. Don't let that happen to you!

Sho you right. Shacking when financial aid or the Bank of Mom and Dad is footing the bill is one thing, but when you have bills, chores outside of cleaning a 12 by 12 dorm room, and real jobs to consider, it's a totally different ball game. Shacking is like visiting a new city on vacation, and living together is like moving there. There's a major difference.

Also, have you thought about whether or not your parents would still provide financial support (if they do) if you moved in with him?

Oh sure. I know it doesn't mean living together and then getting married always ends un divorce -- just that the divorce rate is higher for couples who lived together before marriage than for those who didn't.

I agree. I'm just doing the disclaimers so people won't come in here crying about how their life is different and nobody knows their life.

She DID have them:

They didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, hence this thread. She was hoping she could go back to her sisters with pages of GC reinforcement saying "See, a bunch of random 'Greeks' on the internet agree that I should live with boytoy!". INSTA-VALIDATION!

As the other side of the statistic (moved in together, had a baby but DID get married shortly after baby was born and have been married almost 7 years), I would have done it differently if I had the option to go back.

We're obviously in cahoots with her sorority sisters. :)

I'm all in your business but do you think you added unnecessary complications to your life by moving in together?

Absolutely. Especially the baby part. Right now I'm all :D because I know a lot of women in their LATE late 30s-early 40s that are just STARTING to have kids, and I'll be "done"* at that point, but early on we were broke, uneducated (ok, I made it through my Jr year of college), and living by the grace of God.

*You're never really DONE being a parent.

I would not have wanted to live with my boyfriend when I was in college. :)

I lived next door to my boyfriend for 2 years in college. While it was good in some respects, it totally sucked when we broke up- Specifically because our bedrooms shared a paper thin wall.

Something to consider: what does your boyfriend want? You haven't mentioned that he's asked you to move in with him, just that he is moving to the town where you are going to be in college. He just graduated college - and now he is going to graduate school. Graduate programs are far different than most undergrad programs. It may not be the best time to mix your undergrad life under the same roof with his grad life.

Plus, what happens if the two of you break up?

First off points for it being a two bedroom. If you do end up doing this, as silly as it sounds, I would make it so that each of you has your own room.

As far as it being "improper" in the moral sense, your sisters need to crank the redwood trees out of their asses. It's no more improper than them screwing a guy in a car and then going home.

As others have said this isn't the dorm. Shacking in the dorm isn't "living together." Unless you have a very enlightened or very Felix Ungeresque boyfriend, more than likely the housework and cooking is going to fall on you. Especially if he has a busy grad student schedule. Do you really want to take the responsibility for that?

One of my closest friends lives with her boyfriend. But they also have another roommate, and it's a three bedroom apartment, not a two bedroom. They were in the same year as you and your boyfriend- she was a rising junior, he was starting grad school. She goes to school in another state, but she tells me that it's worked out marvelously for them- but they were together for close to two years before that arrangement came about. And, they ended up sleeping in their own beds during most weeknights.

I personally wouldn't make that choice for myself, because I want the commitment of a ring before we even think about it. And there's no way I'd be making that choice during college, as my parents would refuse to support me financially, and I frankly need their help while I'm a student. You just need to think about all that could go wrong, and consider the possibility. For me, there's too many negatives to the situation to do it. But it is your life.

So I suppose I should elaborate. Full disclosure: I live with my boyfriend now. We're not engaged, we probably will get married eventually for a benefits/kids situation but we aren't planning on it right now. I don't know much about divorce rates or marriage rates of cohabitating couples, and to be honest I don't really care.

When I was in college and then grad school, I did not want to live with a boyfriend. In undergrad, I was too busy with Alpha Gam, Pahellenic, coursework and other school activities to have to deal with the "how are we doing, how is our relationship?" kindof things that tend to happen when you live with a guy. Besides, and maybe it's just me, but every fight in college was "The Fight" that was going to break us up. My boyfriend at the time (we did end up breaking up after I moved to go to grad school) and I were both not at a maturity level for things to not be so damned dramatic. I had roommates, and it was so low stress it was fantastic.

When I went to grad school and met my current boyfriend, the thought never crossed my mind until I was done. I loved keeping my own hours. Live-in and I are really great right now with not nagging one another, but still, I feel (just a little) bad if I work late or go out late with friends (not bad enough to make me not go or invite him or not enjoy myself). I'm held accountable, on some level, even if it's low stress. I would not have been able to deal with that when I was in grad school. I was working a ridiculous amount and doing hours upon hours of coursework on top of it. When I wasn't doing schoolwork or at work, I wanted to hang out with my friends (not always him) and not feel bad about staying out until 3am. I wanted to be independent and a functioning adult, making mistakes that only affected me and never affected him.

It works for some people. I have no problem with unmarried couples living together, and no problem with living with someone myself with no promise of marriage in the future, but I do think having those few years "on my own" either with roommates or living by myself prepared me well for living with someone, as did his few years. Because we were both completely self-sufficient prior to moving in together, we rarely fight about things like cleaning, taking care of a dog (and now kittens), cooking, paying bills, or work stress. In fact, most of our fights (which aren't even really fights, I guess) revolve around issues with his or my family (they looooove to put the pressure on either for babies or wedding bells). While those can be dealbreakers in relationships although they're not that for us, they're not the day-to-day little stuff that frankly I think would make me resent him.

Obviously YMMV - I'm not everyone and I wouldn't say that my experience is typical, but that's why I wouldn't (and didn't) live with a boyfriend while I was in college or grad school.

Now here is my little anecdote:

Someone close to me moved with his girlfriend after about a year of them dating (he's around 25). They became engaged and were starting to plan a wedding for this summer, until things started to go south. Now he is bumming at my house a lot as his ex-fiance moves his things from the bedroom into the living room as he tries to avoid her. He managed to get out of his lease early (thank goodness for a nice landlord) and he'll be moving in with friends soon but how freaking awkward is that? These are the things you have to think about-- how it may end if it goes badly. And college is such a special time for you not to enjoy while you can. Like others have said, you have the rest of your lives to live together if that's what may happen for you two. And talk it over with him. See if he has any input on the matter. It is a two way street, after all.

Yet in another post you listed "cost of living in the house" as part of the dues you were paying. Hmmmmm,

Another friend anecdote: try breaking up a month after signing the YEAR lease and not having the $$ to either get out of it or move elsewhere. Yipes.

http://www.google.com/url?source=img...jw6GEdozsUS8Hg

Life imitating art...:D

How about: Bought a house together after living in apartments together for 3 years and feeling pretty certain you were going to stay together forever. Housing market crashes and you lose $30K each because you couldn't sell the house for what you paid for it and neither of you could afford to buy the other one out of their half. True story of a friend of mine.. and they were both in their late 40s.

My sitch is similar. I lived in the dorm, house, and apartment w/roomies in college. Post-college, I actually lived at home for a year, and then bought a condo. I had been living entirely by myself for over five years when Mr. DBB moved in.

On one hand, it made "financial sense" for us not to pay a rent and a mortgage when he spent every night here anyway, but on the other hand, I could cover all of the bills on my own if I needed to, so it's not like the stay-together-for-the-lease situations I've seen with other friends.

Certainly living together has its great moments: I get off the train and he's walked down to the station to meet me, I love cooking for two, etc., but it also puts a whole new level of stress on a relationship in other ways. One is that you take each other for granted...when you see each other every day, sometimes you forget to plan time to really spend together and have fun. Another is that you don't actually have your own space any more, so you may have to negotiate that you want him to leave the house for a while or something.

As far as marriage, it's not really a priority for us right now. We were talking about it before I quit my job, because I had great health insurance, but now that we are both students it would actually be worse for our finances. There are some legal benefits that come with marriage, obviously, but a lot of the things that are always cited (e.g. "you can visit each other in the hospital") are simply granted to us through hetero-normative privilege.

In any case, I never would have done this as a younger woman. I don't think you know anything about yourself until you are, say, 25, and you don't know much about the other person, either.

I say leave Abby alone and go ask Alice. *ba-dum-chh*

Was there more to it or was that it? Because if that's ridicule to you, your feelings must get hurt an awful lot.

That's the only way I would even consider it even with the promise of marriage. I want a room where I can go hide even when I'm married (and I full support my husband having a man-cave). There are times when I need my own space and when I don't have it, I get....well I can get into a mood that is NOT conducive for sustaining a relationship/marriage. ;) This is one of the many things that tells me I'm not ready to cohabitate, marry, or reproduce but I think a little of that will linger even as I mature--part of it's just who I am. If you're considering living with another person, really think if you can handle not having that space when you guys fight, when you're not feeling well, when your mood is funky, etc.

ETA: And I just happened to hear a Taylor Swift song on Grey's that I looked up on Youtube. Ironically, this the comment at the top:

I'd say not now and here's why:

It sounds like you're thinking long-term with this guy, and that's fine. But, won't getting married be a little anti-climactic if you've already basically lived like you're already married? What I'm getting at is this: you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to get married & play house. Don't do it now. Save it as a bridge you'll cross once you get married. Otherwise, there's nothing left to make marriage special. And, if the worst happens and y'all don't wind up making it last, then you've already done everything with him that you'll do with whoever you marry one day. At least try to keep 1 thing special for that awesome guy you'll marry one day. I PROMISE it's worth it to wait!

@bolded: WTF? Are you confusing marriage with a movie?

(Insert joke about marriage being anti-climactic due to lack of sex here.)


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As a side note, the stats about cohabitation are true, or at least were. The question really what the cause is - are couples who are more likely to live together also more likely to consider divorce an option? There really aren't good answers there. I would NOT use one's future marriage prospects as a reason for or against living with a partner. Statistics don't represent individual realities.

That said, I don't really feel like OP is being genuine here and I'm sure we're about to get yelled at for being meanie moes again or something so eh.

wow... I'm totally of the "sure, why not? live together" school of thought. I even think while at college sounds like a great time to do it. Exploration and getting to know yourself and all that malarkey.

But then share-houses and apartments were really common at my college, so it seemed like the thing to do.

I lived with my bf for almost 2 years before we got married. Definitely nothing "anti-climatic" about our marriage - he says he loves me more and more each year.

Plus, I'd want to know if the love of my life had a really irritating habit or terrible secret lifestyle before leaping in and tying the knot.

GreekGirley's "anti-climactic" comment makes me think she's confusing marriage with a wedding.

And in other news, masterbastion causes blindness....

It's bunk. IMHO couples who live together pre-marriage are more likely to divorce ONLY because they don't attach the social stigma to it not because of any other BS reason.

I believe I've said this before on this board, but had I lived with either of my ex-husbands before marrying them, I wouldn't have divorced either of them... because I wouldn't have married them in the first place! I'm a big proponent of living together before marriage BUT under certain conditions: you can support yourself without that person, it is an arrangement that you can get out of easily (like only one of you owns the place or has the name on the lease or it's a month to month lease) and you are done with college and lived independently for at least a year. There is just too much messiness possible in college if you break up and are living with the person. Week before finals, you break up, which is hard enough, but you're stuck living in the same space anyway, etc.

Life is complex enough for there to be more than one reason why couples who live together are more likely to divorce; and why divorce rates increase, in general.

Including personal experiences and opinions, there are thousands of qualitative and quantitative studies about cohabitation and divorce around the world, including those conducted by Melissa S. Waters and Rand Westler; Michael Svarer; and John Zhao and David Hall. People who are interested can check these and other studies out and see how these different explanations mesh with their humble (personal) opinions.

Right, statistics aren't intended to represent everyone and everything. That's why you will find cohabitators who say cohabitating was awesome and (perhaps more) cohabitators who say cohabitating was a complete waste.

Whichever the case, people conveniently use statistics and expect others to personally apply them for topics like safe sex. Either way, everyone thinks this stuff applies to everyone but them. I strongly recommend that people understand the realities and possibilities of life and that includes both the individual-level and the aggregate-level. There comes a point when people need to stop thinking "I didn't think it could happen to MEEEEEEE" or "I had no idea this could even happen...TO ANYONE."

That applies to this topic and any other. Make smart and informed choices. People can still choose to do something that others disapprove of, but they shouldn't pretend that they were aware of the potential positive outcomes but clueless to the potential negative outcomes.

Statistics are statistics for a reason.

I may have mentioned it in this thread or another, but I lived with my ex-boyfriend for about a year after I finished my Master's. At that point, we had been together for 5 years and were ready to take the next step. We were aware of what it meant for us. We ended up breaking up about 6 months or so afterwards, mainly because I realized that I didn't want to marry him. We still lived together for about 6 months afterwards--but we had separate rooms at that point so it wasn't terrible. We ended up having a very amicable break. This is rare and I consider myself extremely lucky.

That said, I've seen a lot more cohabiting situations blow up because the couples NEVER clarified what living together meant. A lot of women assume that a ring is inevitable after moving in together, while their boyfriends don't feel that same way. After a year or so, they're freaking out every time one of their friends gets engaged.

It's actually kind of amazing to me how many women--and these just aren't younger women--will totally expect a man who says he doesn't want to get married to "change his mind...eventually."

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekGirley (Post 2059984) It sounds like you're thinking long-term with this guy, and that's fine. But, won't getting married be a little anti-climactic if you've already basically lived like you're already married? What I'm getting at is this: you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to get married & play house. Don't do it now. Save it as a bridge you'll cross once you get married. Otherwise, there's nothing left to make marriage special.

REALLY?! There’s nothing left to make marriage special? Um.. how about a wedding, and kids, and buying your first house, and spending your life with someone, and.. ya know.. being married! If the only thing about marriage that makes it special is living together, I might as well have married my brother.

Quote:

And, if the worst happens and y'all don't wind up making it last, then you've already done everything with him that you'll do with whoever you marry one day.

.. everything except having a wedding, having kids, buying your first house, spending your life with that person, and.. ya know.. getting married.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElieM (Post 2060010) wow... I'm totally of the "sure, why not? live together" school of thought. I even think while at college sounds like a great time to do it. Exploration and getting to know yourself and all that malarkey.

This!

It’s amazing what you can learn about a person when you live with them. I look at a few of my college roommates and think, “If I didn’t live with them, we might have become really good friends.” It’s why a lot of people (myself included) refuse to live with their best friends; because they worry that they’ll end up hating them. I’m definitely not against living with another person before marriage in order to figure everything out. Hell, I didn’t even live with my last boyfriend of 2 ½ years, but he lived 30 seconds down the road from my apartment and he started driving me crazy – he’d bitch about everything, from the cleanliness of my apartment (I HATE washing dishes and waited until the last possible second to do them) right down to the fact that I didn’t bring the mail in everyday. I have just about the worst memory in the world, but I didn’t think that bringing it in twice a week was such a bad thing! He didn’t even pay rent, but he had something to say about everything. And since he still lived at home and mommy did everything for him, I think he expected me to do everything for him, as well.

Having said all that, I completely agree with the advice my mother gave me… before getting married/living with someone which will most likely lead to marriage, you should live on your own for at least a year. There are a lot of responsibilities that go along with just taking care of yourself and being on your own… Learning how to pay bills, taking your own car in for an oil change, figuring out how to do your taxes, going grocery shopping, sending your own holiday/thank you/sympathy cards, shoveling the driveway, cleaning the apartment/house, etc. I could go on forever. All of these are items that you should learn to do on your own.. and HAVE to do on your own, before living with someone and relying on them to do it for you.

I think I missed the fact that the OP is a sophomore, so yes, she is still pretty young. I’m not sure that she’s lived on her own before this, but if not, I would highly recommend it. I’m not completely against people living together at such a young age, but I’ve seen it fall apart more times than it has worked. However, we don’t know the OP’s situation, and she implied that the only reason that she was hesitant was because of what her friends say/think, so if that’s the only doubt in her mind (without knowing anything else of her situation), I say she should truly analyze her past living situations, think about the current situation, and make a decision from there. And if this is what both her and her boyfriend want, then go for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by knight_shadow (Post 2060011) GreekGirley's "anti-climactic" comment makes me think she's confusing marriage with a wedding.

I think she’s just confused in general.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee (Post 2060026) I believe I've said this before on this board, but had I lived with either of my ex-husbands before marrying them, I wouldn't have divorced either of them... because I wouldn't have married them in the first place! I'm a big proponent of living together before marriage BUT under certain conditions: you can support yourself without that person, it is an arrangement that you can get out of easily (like only one of you owns the place or has the name on the lease or it's a month to month lease) and you are done with college and lived independently for at least a year. There is just too much messiness possible in college if you break up and are living with the person. Week before finals, you break up, which is hard enough, but you're stuck living in the same space anyway, etc.

EXACTLY! to the bolded.