Rejected Candidate and Prominent Family Member at Institution
 

Sorry if this question has been answered multiple (upon multiple) times:
TL;DR:
- Don't smoke
- Don't drink
- Family member is in a prominent position at the institution

Did these make me a weak candidate for getting into the fraternity, or was it not knowing enough brothers? Also should I re-rush and attempt again?

Long story:

I entertained joining this fraternity but they only did spring pledging this year. During the fall I went to their mixers, their community service projects and even some of their luncheons. During the process I didn't smoke or drink during the parties but I still socialized as well as talk to their brothers about the pledging process, getting to know about 50% of the members. After doing that I went to their formal rushes, after doing their formal rushes, I started to ask how the bid process was to one of their brothers. As soon as he was done explaining, he asked where I lived and I said that I lived inside the honors dorm. After that, I did not receive a bid. Now all throughout this time, I kept asking questions about the process, what drew them to the fraternity and what I needed to know in order to pledge (as well ask asking them directly about what happens during pledging). Some people said that becuase of me being nosy as well as not doing the "social" things, I didn't get the bid.

Another person suggested this scenario:

Let's say that I did pledge, and then I did quit because I hated the pledging process. If they did something extremely wrong, I would immediately run to said family member, rat them out, and then have the fraternity dismantled.

So I went to ask why I didn't get a bid:

I was told that there were enough brothers that did not "know" me and that they decided not to give me a bid. He said that if they have a fall class or next spring, I could get a better picture. The kicker: They gave out 19 bids. My question is this: Should I take it as face value that I didn't get to know the brothers in the fraternity and that's why I didn't get the bid OR is it because of my other attachments that the fraternity turned down my bid? Also should I reattempt that fraternity, or is that gut feeling (one way in-out door) the right feeling?

I know this question has probably been asked thousands of time, and I did some searches on the advance search before asking this question.

Thanks.

Also, if you want to know the institution, I'll PM it to you as well as the fraternity I was looking at.
Finally, if you need to move this thread, move it Fraternity Recruitment.

QFP. (my first!)

Question, are you saying

Quoted for Posterity

or Quit Freakin Posting?

Gut feeling's usually the right feeling.

Here's the thing: most successful fraternities do value academics and limits, but you have to be a good fit for the group.

It's OK to not drink as long as you don't look down on others for drinking or hold a pretentious attitude about it. The same applies for smoking.

Likewise, it's actually great to have solid academics, but it's not cool when you flash the card as if you're better than everyone else. Saying "honors dorm" sounds kind of pretentious; I imagine there would have been some more appropriate way to put it (eg. ... Hall).

The part about not enough people knowing you may also be true; perhaps you weren't being social enough to meet everyone during rush.

However, it all comes down to: the most important part is that you fit in. People have to like you for you to fit in. Just because you're a legacy doesn't mean that you're a shoo-in.

The bolded confuse me and don't add up. I'll assume you're being truthful/honest/not a troll.

Don't know your school/greek life climate (whether this is a big chapter, whether the fraternity has a prominent history at your campus etc...) so I can't speculate on whether this is normal on your campus.

Generally, brothers are looking people that would be a good fit for the chapter, people they can hang out with, have fun with and people they can consider brothers for life. I don't know how you socialized with the group, but if you said you met most of the members you might have been forgettable. Or you met members as in you said Hi to someone once and that was it.

The fraternity might have gotten the impression you were a wet blanket since you don't drink. If you don't party, there are some groups who wouldn't accept you because you wouldn't fit in. Like I said, I have no idea if this is the case at your school.

Your family member in a prominent position could have also been a negative. If they hazed or did questionable things, they might have thought you would run and tell mommy/daddy.

You might have said something you thought was funny but pissed off some of the guys. In some groups, it only takes a couple people who don't like you to make you not get a bid.

They might have thought you were annoying by hanging around so much.

They might have thought you thought you were better than them (see KSUViolet06's post).

Do you see where I'm going? We have no idea why they didn't give you a bid but can speculate all day as to why. None of my answers could have been the real reason, only the fraternity knows. The guy told you why you weren't given a bid, so you have to take what he said at face value. We don't know any more than you.

You also only rushed one fraternity who just might not be a fit for you. Why didn't you consider other groups?

You come across really smug with a high opinion of yourself in the post. If that attitude reflects real life, I probably wouldn't vote for you to receive a bid to my group.

Actually no. I felt I was a "shoe-in" because not only did I know many of the brothers (plus two that are alumni) but because they gave me a warm reception of coming out to hang, and overall chill with them. Then the closest brother that I knew, decided to leave the university because his grades were too low (and thus could not re-enter the program), which may have also played a key part in the no-bid.

Afterwards, when I didn't get the bid, for Bid day they gave me a weird almost isolation feel, but since then have come back to normal.

To redefine what I meant, this family member didn't join any Greek Life Organization, but they do hold a significant position at the institute I'm attending.

@excelblue: When he asked, I said *** hall which people know as a honors dorm.

Thanks for everyone giving me some proper insight.

Perhaps you just weren't the right fit.

For example, while I am extremely close to the brothers in my fraternity, I also have several close friends that are not in my fraternity. They chill with me and are cool to hang out with, but the relationship just doesn't have certain important elements that are necessary for brotherhood. In particular, it's the parts about having a similar mindset, holding values consistent with my fraternity's ritual, and just simply being on the same wavelength.

Brotherhood is quite different from friendship, even though a lot of elements are shared. I'm not exactly sure how to quantify it, but your gut feeling will give a very definite answer. I personally joined my fraternity since my gut feeling strongly said "yes" even though I was originally extremely uncomfortable about the idea and remained that way until a week after I was pinned.

So, basically, tune down the smug attitude (whether or not you intend it, it's a strong vibe in your posts) and start looking at other fraternities. Good luck!

Wait, I missed where "prominent family member at the institution" was anywhere near something a fraternity looked at (unless your dad was the head football coach of a Division I school, then I retract my statement).

No one can tell you why you didn't receive a bid.

That's it, and there's no point speculating because we don't know the answer. The reasons you think you didn't get a bid might be true, but they might just be you (and other posters) trying to quantify something that we'll just never know.

If you're still interested in fraternity life set your sights elsewhere. Good luck.

^ This is what's wrong right here. It doesn’t matter what you followed this with.. you should never have assumed you’d receive a bid for ANY reason.

Nothing in life is guaranteed.

It's not so much as the pledging and becoming a brother, it's more of the worst case scenario that would occur if I decided to drop and I had anger against them. The fear would be that I would try to get them dissolved.

...

Yeah, I know. I didn't think that was a legit explanation and even if said fraternity DID consider it, they wouldn't be the right people to pledge under anyway.

@Gusteau Yeah, I might decided to pledge under the community service fraternity next semester or rethink the other fraternity I dropped off.

The red flag that stands out to me is that you were asking lots of questions about the bid process and pledging process. Combined with your "family member" (I assume you mean an administrator or dean of some sort) they might have thought you were just there to get info and inform on them for your parent. So yeah, I agree with the people who said you were being nosy.

But I could be completely wrong, there could have been a guy who asked 10x as many questions as you did and got a bid, and you didn't get one just because the guys thought you were a douche. We'll never know.

On another note, pledge a community service fraternity because you want to do community service. Not as a substitute for a social fraternity.

At this point it doesn't matter why they didn't give you a bid. The fact is that they didn't. You must let it go and move on. Don't try to rerush these guys. Drop them completely. Never have anything to do with them ever again. See if you can join another fraternity, if that is even possible at this point. If not, become involved in a student organization and leave greek life behind.

Okay, thank you.

Agree 100%. As much as it hurts to be in your situation, but that's the truth. I really wish you all the best. I promise, this too shall pass, even though it stings right now.

Thanks. I guess it felt like a bad rejectance at best, betrayal at worst, even though they didn't have to (or need to) guarantee me a bid (although they did do that for some freshmen).

I will probably go through rushing again and look at other opportunities. Like I said before, maybe I'll re-look at the other fraternity that I passed up on as well as some of the other fraternities I didn't get to know well. I guess I'll also cut down on the specifics so I don't look like I'm trying to do any spying or anything like that. However, I'll playing the field as a Junior now instead of a Sophomore.

Perhaps the problem was that you spent most of the time asking them about what they liked about the fraternity, their pledge process, etc. While those are good questions to ask, it really shines no light on how you get along with them. The rushees we loved always bonded with us talking about something that interested the brothers...sports, politics, music, business, girls, movies, whatever.

At the end of the day, instead of trying to find excuses, it could just be because you didn't get along with the brothers and didn't have a lot in common with them. If all you did was talk about their process, you really have no legitimate gauge on if you have anything in common with them.

not a word, but I think I may use it from now on. Is rejectance the masculine form of rejectment?

That's true. It could just be that overall, I kind of thought that I had a lot in common when in reality, there were not that much things in common. I mean, I guess it was somewhat hard for me to gauge what they really liked and tune into it. I mean besides video games and some TV shows, I didn't get to use some of what I like in common. I could have easily brought up what I liked, but I kind of took a more passive, jump into the conversation look, than a "hey this is what I like" in certain situations.

@angels&angles The same rules that apply to acceptance applies to rejectance.

Once again, thanks for the info and advice. I'll mull it over, but it seems like if I'm going to join a GLO, I need to find something that's more to my style. However, I wanted to use one of the Fraternities to explore a more balanced style and I don't think I can directly achieve it by just saying "Hey, you guys look cool, maybe I should join you" approach.

I like your logic, but acception isn't a word and neither is rejectance.

:D

I don't know about you, but I've never heard of anyone receiving a rejectance letter before..

it is always a possibility that you didn't receive a bid due to your prominent relative, but i know 4 nieces/nephews of a college president who did receive bids on the campus that their uncle served as president. in addition, i know a daughter attending the college where her father is president who had all the sororities vying for her when she went through rush. it is more about the individual, rather than their circumstance.

Hmm, thank you very much for the insight. I guess it lands more on me not conforming to their image of a brother.

I am going to give you some more tough love. Why would you want to join a chapter where you had to conform to their image of a brother rather than being the person that you are? When I went through sorority rush I wanted to join this one chapter so bad because I wanted to be just like them. When they cut me I was devastated and almost dropped out of rush but stuck it out and joined my sorority where I am probably a better fit. So as I said before, please let it go and move on. To continue to torture yourself about this does you zero good.

Thank you. I agree with what you said and you just reaffirmed what my parents said.

I did end up talking to one of the other brothers that I knew. Take it for face value : Apparently the ones that did like me and overall wanted me there, did stand up for me, and if it weren't for the one person leaving because of GPA, I could have had the scale tipped for me. Overall, there were not enough people to support me.

I do like these guys but I now understand that we can be friends, but we're not going to be brothers. They'll still invite me to parties and other functions, but I won't pledge under them to join their fraternity.

Thanks for all of the advice people! I truly appreciate it.

I just don't know what to say. This fraternity rejected you but you still want to be friends with them and attend their parties and functions? All this is going to do is prevent you from finding a group of people, possibly in another fraternity, who do like you and really want to be your friend. As is said before, let it go and move on. Dump these people and never ever have anything to do with them ever again.

No, the fraternity is still offering to invite me to go to their parties, they do this with people not in as well as those who drop. With that being said, it's best that I move on.

An update:

So I decided to talk to the one of the brothers again and see why: Aparently this brother gave me a reason which I'll now explain:

When I was talking to the brothers about pledging, I specifically wanted to know the time structure details of pledging so I can know how to adjust my schedule for certain days. For the fraternity I was checking they stated that pledging varies between days and that structure for each days varies.

Once again, thanks for the words of advice.

Go ahead and believe that if you want, but if they wanted you, they would have given you a bid. Your schedule is YOUR problem, not theirs.

I agree. If that was the issue why didn't they just talk to me about it? I honestly feel that they simply don't trust me and that it's not a proper excuse.

I have two more years and then I'm done at my college, hopefully going into a graduate program. If they can't trust me and I have to do a lot more to satisfy them, it isn't worth it.

I'll take BadCat25's words on this situation.

If you were a rushee they really wanted, your schedule wouldn't have been a big deal. Rush is about finding people who fit with the fraternity. You didn't fit.

Move on, because at this point you're just embarrassing yourself by asking why you didn't get a bid.

Word. The OP's behavior now is just reinforcing the guy's decision not to give him a bid. He's showing them they were right and really dodged a bullet.