Is this normal...?
 

I'm not sure if this is where I'd post this, but...

I was ecstatic to receive a bid from my house three nights ago. But when I met everyone for the first time, I felt--and still feel--so overwhelmed that I felt like I couldn't really enjoy myself. I feel like I don't fit in with my pledge class (or the rest of my house for that matter) and that they made a mistake. I feel awkward around everyone and it seems like everyone has already gotten so close. Girls text each other constantly throughout the day. My bid buddy and I don't seem to click as well as she does with my twin, making me feel even more insecure. Conversations don't necessarily flow like I thought they would and I don't really feel close to anyone yet.

I look around the room and all these girls are so perky and attractive -- I feel so out of place. :confused:

I don't mean to be all anxious but I just want to ask if this is how anyone else felt when they became a new member. I really hope this is temporary.

Yes, it's normal.

Relax. You have only been a new member for THREE days. These women are not going to be your BFFs instantly.

It takes time to feel comfortable with ANY new group (whether it's a sorority, new school, new softball team, etc.)

Typically, as you get to know people (through attending events and such), you'll feel more comfortable.

There's a good reason why you were ecstatic.

Talk to your pledge educator about your feelings of insecurity. She'll be a great resource.

Absolutely 100% most definitely normal. I think I had this misconception that joining a chapter would mean I would have instant best friends over night and that's just not at all how it works. It's the same as anywhere else, it will take time to get to know them. The biggest difference is that while other people, the ones you meet in the dorms, on intramural teams, etc. might come and go, you'll always have the sorority as a common bond. Stick with it and remember that you are NOT the only person who feels this way. It will be so very worth it in the end.

You're right; it was a good read. I know sororities/fraternities are no different than say, a sports team or a committee, but it still surprised me that I haven't felt the same way I did during recruitment (e.g., that "this is it" feeling).

I'm continuing to reach out to my PC but it's becoming *overwhelming* to keep up with everyone as they're already planning on spending vacations together, studying together, making plans for lunch, etc. It takes me longer to get to that place and I'm just worried that it'll be too late for me once I finally come out of my shell.

It's never "too late". You'll start to realize that relationships within your house will constantly evolve throughout your time there. That's the nature of living the Greek lifestyle. People are always coming and going. The women that I spent the most time with when I was a freshman aren't necessarily the women that I was spending the most time with when I graduated.

It took me a while to get into the groove too. I know it's overwhelming, but once the novelty of the situation wears down a little, and sorority life becomes "life as usual", you'll find your place. One really good way to do this is to get involved; joining a committee for example.

I understand exactly where you're coming from - I'm not nearly as outgoing as a lot of my pledge class. There were a lot of times last semester I felt a little lost & overwhelmed and wondered why everyone else seemed so much closer with one another. I also sympathize with feeling like you don't fit in with your pledge class/chapter, because I am the complete opposite of my chapter's stereotype and most people think I'm in a different sorority before I tell them. But things do and will get better as long as you stay committed to making it that way and keep reminding yourself: there is a reason they picked you. There is a reason you picked them. As a new semester begins I already feel so much more comfortable and able to be myself around my sisters and have been growing closer to members of my own pledge class. I promise, just because some other girls may already be forming fast friendships and making plans together doesn't mean that a). they wouldn't love to be your friend as well or b). everyone in you chapter is that outgoing.

Your issue is a perfect example of why we keep saying that recruitment is NOT real life. Where it really bugs us old broads is in PNMs worrying about this or that tier chapter. Once recruitment is over, that status level is completely moot. The other part of it is this unrealistic, Disney-like, unicorns pooping rainbows world where everyone is happy and cheering and dressed perfectly all the time. These women will become your friends, but that magic bubble is gone. These beautiful perfect women will have PMS and acne and boyfriend problems. And you're not going to like some of them. In fact, you will very likely DESPISE a few of them. But the good will outweigh the bad if you work at it, at least a little. Give it time, go out of your way to make friends with your new sisters, and things will get better.

And by the way, I think a lot of women go through the same thing getting married and having babies. They get so geared up for the big event, that it's a real let-down when it's over and you go back to your normal life, albeit with a new person in it. It's normal, and you're fine.

Oh, so normal!

Take a deep breath and realize that you are not the only person who feels/has felt/will feel this way.

I had to ease my way in to things, and it turned out fine. You will carve your niche.

A lot of good advice already.

I will add that, in my experience, there were always a couple of NM's that ohmygodtheyaresocuteandawesomewearesoexcitedtogett hem. Very often, these girls turned out to be either mediocre members or outright pains in the ass as soon as everyone stopped fawning all over them. Meanwhile, the girls who took a little longer to come out of their shells became the backbone of the pledge class, and later on, the officers and girls that everyone would stop by the house just to hang out with.

Being a "twin" is a bit tough, too, but remember that just means your big wanted two people so badly that she couldn't decide between you two.

I think the OP meant her bid buddy twin, which (assuming you're using the same terminology a lot of girls here use) is like a "trial big" that is assigned right before bid day. A lot of sororities usually have about 5 of these before you pick your bigs/littles, and they're sometimes called something related to your mascot (bear buddies, turtle buddies, etc.).
If that's the case, then don't worry about not clicking with this person; Most girls in my sorority don't have their first bear buddy as their big, and some aren't even close with that person at all. It's basically just the sorority trying to match people based on their personalities that they saw during rush, which might not be what you're like in real life. Once you've spent more time with everyone, you'll be better matched with people who could click with the "real you".

As for not feeling connected to everyone, you should know two things:
1. With a big house, not everyone is going to be close friends. You might see it that way because everyone is just getting to know each other and everything is, like another poster said, butterflies and unicorns pooping rainbows. But people will become closest with people that are alike to them, or have personalities that flow, and the rest will be friends and sisters, but not all best friends. Don't feel like you're going to be left out of some giant tight circle, because that really never happens.
2. If you want to be friends with more people, you often have to come to them. Go eat at a dining hall with girls in your pledge class that you didn't know well before. If you're friends with one girl in that group and barely know the others, that will give you a good opportunity to show them your personality and get to know them without feeling like you're "intruding" or something. Get involved in the sorority. If you take a general board position, you'll have more reason to talk to other girls in your chapter, and get to know them a little better. Sit with people you don't know well during chapter meetings. You'll get a chance to talk to them during the post-meeting chatter and maybe make plans to go to the gym, or eat lunch the next day, or study or something.

You don't have to be that person that's friends with every single person (though you DO have do be nice to everyone if you want to make friends), but if you reach out to people and make a few good friends, that's all you'll need to be happy. That will lead to more friends, Greek and non-Greek.
Also, don't forget that girls in your sorority don't have to be, and actually should not be, your only friends. Get to know people in your hall, classes, and other sororities.

Trust me, last year as a new member I felt the same way. Things usually work out. And if they don't, you have other options. But, I think they will. :)

Good luck and I hope you get everything you want out of your Greek experience.

Oh, and my best friends from the sorority post-college are not the ones I was closest to in college.

I feel silly for getting all worked up about this, but I just want to know that I made the right decision. I think that a lot of this comes from the age discrepancy between the majority of the PC (freshmen) and myself (a sophomore). I don't live on campus, I'm involved in other organizations I have a job and a serious boyfriend, and I'm taking a heavy course load (18 hours). I've invited the girls to come to the other organizations with me as well as offered them rides to and from the house and to hang out at my apartment. But needless to say, I feel spread too thin right now.

Did any one else that pledged as a sophomore experience this?

Oh, and thank you. This is great (and not to mention extremely reassuring) advice. It's always nice to know that you're in good company. :)

Yes - I pledged as a sophomore/serious boyfriend/22 hours. I remember doing an excercise in our pledge manual designed to show you how much extra time you actually do have that you waste on TV/naps/coffee shop/etc....I was stunned at how much time there was - in other people's schedules. Mine, not so much. I had 4 classes that were one credit hour that each required 5 hours OR MORE of classtime a week. Looking back, I think that's why I didn't get close to many sisters until I moved into the house 2nd semester.

I pledged as a junior and hung out with the older girls rather than my pledge class except for my roommate who also pledged as a junior. My big became one of my closest friends in the sorority-we were the same age and had pretty much the same major-she went to medical school and I went to vet school. Don't give up!

My 2 little pledged as a SENIOR (a senior who lived with very anti-Greek roommates on top of it) and she probably got more out of her two semesters as an active, and made more lasting friends, than some of the women in our chapter who pledged as freshmen. (She also had first semester freshmen in her pledge class, by the way.) I know that's a smaller chapter and things aren't so class-conscious in a smaller chapter, but just wanted to illustrate your experience is what you make of it.

Some people jump off the high dive, some people enter the pool one toe at a time. It doesn't mean that they won't both have an enjoyable swim. :) Give yourself time to get to know everyone and don't just concentrate on whether you fit with your pledge class.

I called my mom this morning who patiently reassured me that I was "chosen for a reason". As I truly believe I was myself during rush, this means that they chose me for me.

I just want to skip past this high intensity phase and into the bridesmaids-at-my-wedding part. Guess it's not that easy, huh? "In due time," my mom says.

My friends also told me that bid week is not a good representation of what the remainder of sorority life is like, especially as a NM. It's much more mellow than paired parties or hyped up get togethers all night, every night of the week.

I'm missing the first party tonight because I have to work which I'm not happy about but I'm hoping that I won't miss too much bonding.

Pardon the lane swerve, but let me try an analogy on you.

Think of your sorority as a marriage. Getting married typically involves a pretty elaborate ceremony and party. The bride and groom (mostly bride) are showered with attention and gifts. That day is all about them. Their parents shell out tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars making sure everything is perfect. They go on a honeymoon to some exotic beach or to stay at various fine European hotels.

Then they get back to their apartment, student loan payments, bills, life. Folks in their first marriages often end up with unreasonable expectations about what married life is like. Just like membership in your sorority, marriage is about hard work, trust and commitment, not being given attention and pandered to by others.

You have been selected. Congratulations, now the work begins. Your relationships with your sisters, like any other relationship are going to take work. Wearing the same letters and colors will get you a ways down the road, but it won't get you where you want to ultimately be. Don't expect to be catered to. Make friends. If people aren't asking you to do stuff with them, ask others to do stuff with you.

Your experience in your organization will be what you make of it. Don't come in with the expectation of being catered to.

I agree with your analogy completely and it may not have come off in my posts, but I wasn't expecting to have my friendships prepackaged. I guess what my overall concern is that because it seems that a lot of the girls are putting pressure on themselves to become BFFs in a week, I am wondering/worried if/that I'll be considered cold or aloof if I don't reciprocate that "OMGILOVEYOUSOMUCHANDIDONTEVENKNOWYOURNAME" feeling.

Here's another swerve and another analogy that may help.

On the first day of (middle or high) school, you're usually put into new classes with new people. Some people may know each other from previous classes and will seem to get along right off the bat. If you don't know anyone in your class, it'll seem like you're an outsider.

Fast forward a few weeks. You've gotten to know more of the people in your class and are more comfortable interacting with everyone. You may even make some new friends after a while.

You're not going to be best friends with everybody immediately at ANY time in your life, including your new member period. Take the time to get to know people and you should be fine.

Also, as others have said, it's a 2 way street. You're not automatically BFFs with everyone by virtue of sharing letters. You need to reach out to people in order to make your experience worthwhile.

I wouldn't really worry about that. Some of 'em will mesh, some not, it'll all work out in the end. Make an effort for sure, but if the "OMGILOVEYOUSOMUCHANDIDONTEVENKNOWYOURNAME" isn't really your thing, don't sweat it too much.

Another lane swerve...

I pledged my fraternity as a first semester sophomore. I hated my pledge class for the first few weeks -seriously, I didn't like them at all. If not for my awesome big brother I probably would have quit and not given them a chance at all. Relating to first semester freshman was at time a little difficult, but things quickly changed and I couldn't have found another chapter that was more right for me, pledge class included.

By the way, it's always good to remember that the Greek roots for the word sophomore means "wise fool." Sophomores and freshmen aren't as different as you feel they are now, trust me.

They're right. For many new members the first few weeks are so novel and exciting they go a little overboard (for my tastes, anyway) with how much they "love" each other, with gifts, with calling everyone their new BFF, etc. Once that phase ends and everyone settles into the routine, the entire experience is more mellow. Pay attention to the actives. You'll notice (especially with juniors and seniors) that though they're excited about your new pledge class, they're much more laid back around each other.

I can tell you I wasn't particularly close to my sis-mom (who left the semester after I pledged anyway), wasn't particularly close to my pledge class as a group, and didn't have many close friends in the sorority during my entire time as an active. I'm not a hugs-and-kisses type person, I don't tell people I love them when I don't, and I've never had a "OMGURMYBFF". I can also tell you my experience as an active was amazing. Aside from everything I learned (and I absolutely learned lessons I badly needed about leadership, being diplomatic, and time management to name just a few) I had a great time. I hung out with people that were BFF with each other all the time, and the thing is it was fun. Take it slow and remember this new member period isn't what the next three and a half years will be like, and that after your years as an active are over you'll have the rest of your life to enjoy your sorority, too.

ETA: I didn't reciprocate with the OMGILOVEYOUSOMUCH stuff...ever. Because it makes me cringe. And my pledge class didn't interpret it as cold, they just assumed I wasn't emotional which was correct. If that's not you, don't say it/do it. Just be yourself and express a genuine interest in getting to know your sisters in a way that's appropriate for you...that's all you need to do.

you have a lot on your plate, but unless you are a 30 something sophomore, you should just be one to two years older than your freshman pledge sisters. it may be difficult to find your niche with all the other things pulling at you. maybe you could ask yourself why you went through rush and why you accepted a bid? that might help you work through this tough time.

please give yourself(and your sorority) some more time, try really hard to really get to know some of your new sisters. did you already have friends in this chapter? you may find that you will mesh better with sophomores, juniors or seniors within the chapter.