Thoughts on pledging girls with children
 

I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers, but I was recently asked what I thought my chapter would do if a girl with a baby wanted to rush. I am a member of a NPC sorority. I'm not active this semester and can't seem to find anything in my sorority's bylaws but wondered if there may be any NPC rule. I also just wondered everyone elses' thoughts? The situation: the girl has a baby but does not take care of her, apparently the grandmother keeps the little girl back home.

Like I said, not trying to initiate a dilemma, just wanting some opinions and if anyone had any knowledge of rules stating how to deal with the situation? Thanks!

Wouldn't the rule be specific to your sorority? Why not ask an exec board member or an advisor?

Also, if the woman doesn't have custody of the child or doesn't take care of it, how would that affect her recruitment?

Wow, I've never thought about this situation before. While I don't know the rules of every sorority, from what I understand, it is acceptable for a woman to be married and in a sorority, and I would assume that if no rules are made against this, then the organization must understand that it is possible that a married woman might get pregnant during their time in college. So I suppose if married women are allowed, they wouldn't make a rule against something that...well, often happens to married women? :D

In terms of the chapter's decision, I don't think that it should be a problem. If the girl is 100% sure that she is not going to either drop out of college at some point to take care of the child herself, or transfer to be closer to the child or the child's father, etc. then I think the fact that she is a mother shouldn't reflect badly against her. It could be a positive in that it would bring some diversity to the chapter (not saying the chapter is lacking; I have no idea. Just saying that it's a different viewpoint on things).

Go to your chapter's website, review the Constitution and ByLaws, and consult with your Advisory Board, HQ, etc. There's where you'll find the answer(s) that apply(ies) to your particular chapter. NPC does not regulate chapter membership selection in that manner.

knight_shadow, no sideeyes on this one - you got it right!

One thing I've learned from following GC and recruitment is there are a LOT of different chapter styles out there, including what my chapter would have considered freakishly old members in the collegiate chapter. Is a traditional SEC or Big 10 chapter going to accept a member with a child? Probably not, but there are some that would have no problems with it at all.

And if she's a non-custodial parent, I really don't see the issue in any case. As long as she can attend the events, keep her grades, live in the house (if required), etc., then it shouldn't matter.

A woman with a child that is in college full time will not (or at least should not) have time for sorority activities. When she is not in class or studying, she needs to be a MOTHER!!! Life is full of important choices and she made a life altering one when she decided to become pregnant. If I were an adviser to a chapter considering pledging a young mother I would strongly advise against it.

Mom has time for fraternity mixers but no time to take care of her baby. It's a great world we live in.

It sounds like it's basically an open adoption situation with the child's grandmother.

We have had married women, married women with children (one had 2 kids) and single women with children come thru recruitment where I advise. The main issue is the time factor. Can she attend the events she needs to attend? Can she devote enough time to her studies? In other words, can she fulfill the obligations of membership? In all cases, none were pledged to any of our groups.

I have known families where the daughter became pregnant in high school or college and the family decided that the grandparents would raise the child while the daughter went away to college, got her degree and got herself into a position where she was able to raise the child herself. While that daughter was away at school, she had no parenting responsibilities. Essentially, her parents were "giving" her the opportunity to live the life they had all wanted for her in spite of her mistake, recognizing that she didn't have the resources (financially or personally) to take care of the baby anyway. I also know situations where the parents took on the child as their own and raised it as a sibling of the real mother. In that type of situation, the girl had no parenting responsibilities while in college and most who met her, unless she told them, wouldn't even know she was a parent. It is, as DSTRen13 said, like an open adoption (although I think of it more like foster care) within the family.

ETA: I've also worked with a chapter who had single mothers in their chapter but it was a commuter campus and the young woman lived at home with her parents and they shared parenting duties. As for comments like "she has time to attend a fraternity mixer but not to parent"... that is just ridiculous. Do you think, as a parent, you will never go out on a friday night? You and your husband could join a bowling league and get a babysitter every Saturday night.. how is that any different? As a parent, I stayed involved as a volunteer for many organizations. Heck, right now, I'm a volunteer in a leadership position for three organizations, a single mom, working full time, AND going to grad school and my kids are fantastic kids. Parents get to have lives too.

If the grandparents are willing to do that, I see no problem with the girl pledging a sorority.

I'd much rather the child be raised by willing grandparents then a resentful, immature girl. (I'm not saying this particular girl would be resentful and immature, but it's often the case)

Exactly. Not just immature and resentful, but not financially capable of really providing anyway.

It's not something I (were I in charge) would make a hard and fast rule about. If she seemed both capable and interested in participating actively in the chapter while still doing well in school I'd probably vote for her bid. I wouldn't not want to bid someone just because they have a child, but I wouldn't want any member who came off as irresponsible or careless in the first place.

^ I'm with Drolefille.

I think it really comes down to the campus, the sorority, and most critically, the PNM.

In my case, we were an all local sorority system, all local but one fraternity system, plus NPHC chapters. A mixed commuter/residential school.

Otterbein had a number of post-military students who tend to be older (late 20's to early 30's), and some of these students have made fantastic brothers and sisters, despite pledging later in life. These older students are also likely to be married/divorced or have a child...and if they're taking care of their responsibilities and are able to support the missions of the brother/sisterhood, then why are they not worthy of membership?

Again, a kid isn't going to push me into the "no, absolutely not!" category any more than a job or an internship or a pending study abroad stint. A terrible personality, inability to manage time, lack of empathy etc, will. Life and sorority are not exclusive, they're meant to compliment each other.

It would just depend on the girl. If it is explained to her exactly how time consuming a sorority can be and what will be expected of her as far as academics/finances/commitment and still thinks she can do it, why not?

According to the OP, Mommy is warehousing the baby "back home" with grandma. I'm sure it will be in the child's best interest to have mom away going to formals and mixers for four years then picking her up once she (hopefully) graduates. Mommy's fun time > child's formative years. Start saving for the therapy bills now.

Of course married stable parents have fun and social lives, but they don't live away until a kid is almost old enough to enter kindergarten while meemaw does all the parenting.

If the kid is going to live with grandma and the mother is going to college regardless, it might do her some good to have a support group and some fun now so that when she's ready to parent she's really ready. How the family handles the situation isn't really anyone else's business unless there is abuse or neglect.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree on this. I (and many other people) believe abandoning a child for several critical years in its development is neglect at best.

Whether or not you feel this way, one shouldn't let your own personal moral values in the way when considering this PNM.

It's like the pregnant mother walking into the bar for a drink. You can take the "we reserve the right to refuse service" stance and deny this woman a drink but to do so because you feel that it's just not right is another story.

I know for a fact that my organization does not have any specific rules prohibiting mothers from joining. If a chapter wants to take a chance on a mother who really wants to join our sisterhood, I trust that they will do what's best. I know that I could not "strongly advise" against bidding someone who wants to join our sisterhood despite the time and financial commitments.

Like Alumiyum said, how she and her family handle their situation isn't really any of our business.

So if she would have had an abortion instead, you'd hand her a bid with a big bow on it?

Grandparents raising a child does not = abandonment. If we're going to use that word, there are a LOT of very well-off people who have "abandoned" their children by putting them in the practically full-time care of nannies.

I think it's great that they're encouraging their daughter to complete her college education and have a good college experience. If all she has in her life is studying and baby care, she's not going to be a very happy person and she'll probably end up dropping out and going into a dead end job.

So would you rather her have aborted her child, given it up for adoption, or raise it without any financial stability (and possibility emotional stability, since many teenagers aren't exactly mature)? Many people have issues with all of those options, as well. It's not your baby or your family, and you don't know what's best for it. That's her family's business.

Amen.

My chapter, during the year after I had graduated, right before I became an advisor, bid a woman who was both a wife and mother. She was 24. She did more for the chapter than a lot of other girls even dreamed of doing. She held an Exec Board position, received excellent grades, and attended all of our events.

Exactly. Even I know that for many schools/chapters around the country, if this woman had walked into recruitment, she probably would have come close to being laughed back out. Keep in mind, however, that my chapter was smaller, we didn't have a house, and we weren't overwhelmed with programming (e.g. Homecoming wasn't a big to-do, we didn't have an "Initiation week" extravaganza, etc.).

To say that once someone is a mother, they shouldn't have time for anything else is crazy. Not that it was any of our business, but this sister had a wonderful husband who supported her involvement in the sorority, and would watch the kids on a Sunday night when she had a meeting... or on a Wednesday night during a recruitment event... or on a Saturday afternoon when we were volunteering for our philanthropy.

Hell, when I was younger, my mom, on top of being a divorced parent, was the President of the Board of Education. She very frequently had other things to take care of, or meetings to attend.. I would never think that she had "abandoned" me and my brother, or that she wasn't taking motherhood seriously. She needed something to get away... we all do. And as long as someone is capable of balancing everything, I say go for it.

Exactly.


And the situation presented by the OP isn't even remotely the same as the one that I just described. But every situation is different. Again, something working against her could be the campus culture, and just the knowledge of knowing she has a child could cause her to become an outsider. But as long as the sorority is willing to bid her, and she understands all of the responsibility and time that is needed to go into being a member, I don't really see the problem with it.

Almost twenty years ago, I went to celebrate bid night with the chapter I had previously been general advisor for. One of the new members had a six-monthish little boy with her which I assumed was little brother/nephew (?). After the celebration, there was a meeting and half of the chapter members were up in arms about this girl with a baby. I was not the advisor any longer, but the new advisor didn't know what to do. I told them they had pledged this girl and to get over it. Whatever personal convictions you have, it was not fair to punish/kick her out for something they should have resolved before offering her a bid. At the time, my group did not have any rules on babies. Another chapter on this campus had pledged a girl with a baby the year before, but we didn't know this until our teen mom pledged. A close friend of mine advised another NPC group and she had a couple of girls who married and stayed active in college. This was 15 or 20 years ago, so the issue is at least that old.

I think it really depends on the campus. I have seen some commuter schools where being in a sorority is not the huge time commitment that it is in the SEC or something. It's more like women getting together a few times/month for social/sisterhood/service events. In that situation, I see nothing wrong with a woman pledging with a child. Assuming she has childcare during the day when she is in school, she could also have a sitter a few times/month.

But I'm surmising from your story that the chapter members had no clue that the baby existed before they gave her a bid. I don't blame them for being p.o.'ed in that case.

I know that we often say to people "you don't need to mention x, y or z" at rush, as it might lessen their chances of getting a bid, but honestly if you're married or have a baby, those are BIG things and better to be straight about it. If the chapter has a problem with it, they can cut you. Better for that to happen than for people to be upset, like in the above story - and I'm betting they were just as if not more upset about being deceived (by omission, true, but the end result is the same) than about the baby itself.

No, the chapter did not know about the girl with the baby. It is a commuter campus and the girl was local. If I am remembering correctly, she was from a neighboring county. They knew about the Baby Momma the year before, but the group that pledged her did not.