Getting Married Young- Why?
 

I'm sure there's a thread somewhere buried on this, but I couldn't find it... sorry!

I'm 20 years old- and I'm starting to hit the age where it seems like people are seriously considering getting engaged/married. In the past four presidents of my chapter, three have been engaged during their presidency. I know of three or four couples who recently got married after graduating from college. It seems to be a trend of my university, in particular (for some unknown reason!).

Another one of my good friends (and sisters) is always talking about how it seems like we all marry so young around here! She has a total point- getting married at 22 has always seemed young to me, until I'm actually getting closer to that age. Now, I could see myself making that decision (provided that my boyfriend and I are still together in about a year). It does seem so young... but if you find the person, why wait? I feel like I've grown up a lot in the past three years, and I know that I'm going to continue to feel that way for the next few years- so when am I "grown up" enough to consider marriage? I've asked myself that a lot in the past year.

So- what are your thoughts? What age is "right"? Yes, I know this varies from person to person, but I want some more opinions.

For me, the right age depends on when I can see myself really settling down for good, and that doesn't appeal to me at all at the moment. I did have a moment of insanity at 21, when my then bf and I discussed rings and such, but at the time I told him to hold off. My parents paid my tuition but were very clear that if I got married I would be a part of my own family and they would no longer offer any financial support. So for me, getting married while still earning my degree would flat out not happen. Period. I'm glad I had that hanging over my head because looking back, if I'd gone through with it I don't think I'd be happy. I take marriage very seriously and if I do get married it will be after a lot of serious thought and a long enough amount of time that we both know we really do want to take the next step.

A lot of girls get married pretty young around here, too. I think for some (and I'm not saying this is THE REASON they're getting married by any means, but...) the wedding excitement and exclamations over their ring blinds them to reality which is that the wedding lasts a day, but the marriage lasts a lot longer than that. Theoretically, anyway.

Then again, though my parents married young (22 and 23), they did it because they had been dating for 7 years and saw no reason to wait since they had both graduated. They've always made it clear to me that they don't give a damn whether I get married or not and that they strongly caution against getting married young unless there is some pressing reason, so I at least don't have any pressure from my immediate family. Extended family though...:rolleyes:

ETA: Another reason I don't see myself marrying young is how hard my parents had it after they were married as my father was in a competitive law school on scholarships and loans and neither had any extra money...my mom couldn't get a steady teaching job since no one wanted to hire her when they found out she would only be in that state for fewer than 2 years, so she got by with substituting and working in department stores. That also meant she had to put off her own master's until they'd settled and had stable jobs. They got through it just fine, but I'm not sure I would (handling stress isn't one of my strong points), and for me going to graduate school is not an "if". I would rather just wait until I've gotten my master's and have a stable job.

As you said, it depends on the person, but also career goals, life goals, etc. People going to graduate school tend to marry later; people who want kids right away obviously get married earlier.

I'm in your camp, though...I think that most people don't know what the real world is like until at least a few years out of college, and should experience life as an adult for at least a few years.

BF and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years and are both seniors now. We plan on getting married but probably not anytime soon! I will graduate in the spring and he will graduate in December. We want to wait to get married until we both have jobs and are sort of settled into them. So it would be 2013 at the earliest, we would both be 24 by then. I'm leaning more towards 2014 because I don't like 13 :p This is pretty much what my cousin and her hubby did too. They just got married this past April.
I have a sorority sister who was dating her husband since junior high and they got married literally right after college graduation.

<<After adding the necessary "in the old days" and "in other cultures" disclaimers>>

I exist in a subculture where the "right" time is after you've graduated from college and typically after you also have a graduate degree (or two). This has race, socioeconomic status, and gender correlates. How we were socialized and the timing is based on the process of what WE consider to becoming a more complete person. For us, being a more complete person includes having CHOICES. You can CHOOSE to be a stay-at-home parent/housewife/househusband but you don't NEED to be one due to dependency. In general, I don't believe in having to say "I wish I had" or "I wish I/we could." That's also why threads like "what do you WISH you did for a living" are very interesting to me but particularly if people had to put their dreams on hold for relationship or family. My family, friends, and I believe in accomplishing your goals and dreams before getting married and continuing to accomplish. If not, you could end up pissed as hell and resentful.

As you said, it's ultimately based on a person's own timing and the couple's specific dynamics. I only have one friend who got married early 20s. The rest of us, late 20s and 30s.

I was convinced I was going to marry the guy I was seeing during my sophomore year in college. Most of us thought that we were going to marry our college sweethearts; ALL of us have moved on to the guy after that and the guy after that one. While it clearly happens, it's not as common as everyone thinks. Of the weddings I've attended in the past 3 years, only one was a couple who started dating while one of them was in college (they met the end of her senior year; he was a few years older). Even then, she went to graduate school and worked for while before they got married. The only other really successful college sweetheart marriages I know of, the couple knew each other in high school.

Some circles promote earlier marriage more than others. Frankly speaking, I think NPC/NIC Greek Life may put "pressure" on people to talk about seriously pairing up younger than the GDI population. There are mixers and candlelightings--who wants to be left out of that? Add to that regional correlates and stigmas about co-habitation, and you have the clear fact that a sorority girl from the South is much more likely to be married at 24 than an independent or NPHC woman who went to college on the East or West coasts.

The right age? Honestly, I think it's when you have an education and are somewhat established in your career. That could be 25 (probably not younger). That could be 35. I don't agree with getting married and starting a family before you can support yourself. Husbands can beat, cheat, and die--you never know when you might be on your own.

Personally, I don't intend on working after I have kids, but I know that I HAVE to work, I can pull a damned good salary and can take care of a family if it comes down to that. A 23 year old with an art history degree who married the first guy she dated in college doesn't have that same insurance. :) I hope I don't sound bitter--I'm just old enough now to see people my age getting divorced! Maybe those divorces could have been prevented if they had just waited a minute.

While my parents were married at a younger age than I was (they were in their mid-20s), I think that they married due to a couple of things. They were both born and raised in the same town that they have decided to live the rest of their lives in and they were already putting down roots at the tender age of 20. I know that they were both in a more "adult" state than I was in their mid-20s. They were in a long-term relationship for years, while I was in grad school in another country, not sure where I eventually wanted to end up.

That being said, when I was in undergrad, I was in a 4-year-long relationship myself. I thought I was going to marry him. But, at the end of my senior year, I saw an opportunity for grad school that I just couldn't pass up, and now when I look back, I know that I changed a lot between college and when I was 28-29. I changed through jobs in the "real world", living on my own, and having other "adult" relationships. I'm married to someone else that I couldn't imagine being without, but then again, my parents are still married to each other as well. So even though we had totally different circumstances, we're all ending up happy so far. So I don't think there's necessarily a "right" age for this. All that I DO know is that no matter how much you may love a person, if there is something that you feel like you NEED to accomplish in your life that you may need a bit of freedom to do so, then you will more than likely have a tougher go of marriage if you get married before you accomplish said goal.

I don't know what is considered young, but I did get married young (early 20's) had a couple of years of life experience and felt I was ready to settle down as well as my wife. It's been 7 years and when people ask how we did it, we give the same advice everybody has said above. You gotta be sure that you are ready.

Our advantages is we did A LOT in our youth that people younger than us still haven't experienced. That doesn't mean that would be successful for everybody, but you gotta have at least an 80% understanding of yourself before you consider bringing somebody else in for the ride.

I tell young folks all the time when they consider making that step this,

"Men marry women thinking they won't change and they do, women marry men thinking they will change and they don't."

I know very general and more so humorous than factual, but when you actually think and ponder it, it will make you stop in your tracks if you thinking this person you marrying gonna be the same person 10 - 15 years from now after they get some life experience under their belt.

I've always thought that my parents are an interesting case study. They got married young. And I mean YOUNG. My mom was 19, only about a year out of high school, with just a few community college classes under her belt and had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. My dad was 23, right out of college and about to begin his first military assignment. They'd only been dating a year. Recently, they celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary. I've asked my parents about this time and time again and the commentary usually includes 1. Do not do what we did. Repeat, DO NOT DO WHAT WE DID. 2. Why the hell did anyone let us do that? and 3rd, what they consider their secret to success: low expectations. They always say it somewhat jokingly but it's entirely true. Right after their wedding they relocated from their hometown [Pittsburgh] to the middle of nowhere in upstate New York [Seneca]. My Dad had to leave about a month in which meant my mom was left in a tiny town where she didn't know anyone with a dog to keep her company. They made virtually no money for the first 5 or so years of their marriage. It was a testament to their maturity that they agreed to wait ten years to have kids, hit that mark and didn't feel ready, so I didn't come along for another 3 after that. Yep, 13 years of marriage before children. This philosophy is starting to make more sense to me as I get older. I'm now the same age my mother was and despite having had a steady boyfriend for 3 years I can't even begin to imagine making that decision right now. I know that if I or any of my friends ever did in the next few years then we'd be in for a hard run, trying to be married and in school at the same time. I don't understand how anyone could go into that WITHOUT low expectations. I think people expect too much from marriage right off nowadays, they forget that is perpetual hard work and not a continued wedding daze. I know that when I get married, a longggg ways down the road, I'll take that advice with me, knowing that the first few difficult years are in pursuit of the beautiful long lasting relationship that my parents have.

Conversation between my brother's girlfriend and a girl she works with at school. Note this girl is 21 and still has at least another year left before she graduates.

Co-worker: (showing off engagement ring) I know we've only known each other and have dating 2 months, but it's true love so why wait? We're getting married in 3 months! (looks at brother's girlfriend) You and your boyfriend have been for dating over 3 years, why aren't married yet?

Brother's GF: Um, I'm 19, he's 21, and we want to wait until I've graduated

Co-worker: But why? You love him right?

Brother's GF: Yes, but just because we're in love doesn't mean we're ready to be married

Co-worker: But if you're already in love, what else are you waiting for?

(The two continue to go around in circles for a while longer)

I had lots of friends who got married right after college and a few are already divorced. My now husband and I thought about getting married or at least engaged right after I graduated (mostly because it seemed like everyone else we knew was getting married then) but decided to wait until we both got settled in our jobs. A few years later he proposed and we got married last June. I'm so glad we waited until we were sure we were ready to be married and can financially support ourselves.

I'm not saying everyone should wait (my mother and father got married right after she graduated college and they were married til death did them part, but they had been dating for almost 3 years), but honestly I think people who date longer have a greater chance of success.

Different strokes for different folks..

In my little "world" people don't get married until after college and landing a career, or at least a steady job. I can only think of a few people in my social circle back home who got married in the 21-24 age range, for most it was/is between the ages of 25-30. I considered the latter normal. When I moved to TX I noticed a lot of young married couples (same as when I was in the military) as well as the funny glance my way when people found out that I was 27 and had never married with no children. They thought it was weird I was 27 and unmarried, and I thought it weird that someone in this day and age would want to get married at 19. Even now at 29, only half of my peers from high school or college are married (thx facebook).

I'm 20. I go to a really big church, and there are currently 10 COUPLES, not people, but couples, in my age group, about 18-22, who got engaged this year. My boyfriend of 2 years & I just broke up a month or so ago. We had talked about getting married after college, it was actually kind of the plan. And, as upset as I am about the break-up/having my vision of the future shattered, I am SO RELIEVED that we didn't get married already. Don't get me wrong, I loved this boy. I WANTED to spend the rest of my life with him. But after some fresh air and healthy flirting with all those other fish in the sea, I realize that there IS someone better out there for me. I recognize parts of our relationship that were unhealthy and over the course of several years would wear me out & break me down.

This probably sounds really scatter-brained, but I'm glad I can see now what I couldn't then. Now I feel like all of my friends who are engaged are committing WAY too early/young. The thing is, I only knew what kind of person I would become BECAUSE I saw my future with him. I never formed an identity/future apart from him, maybe because we dated from age 18-20, those vital years.. I honestly have no idea what I want out of life, out of myself, anything. I feel like everyone should figure that out before they find their "other half." (But I also realize that I don't know what will work for everyone, and I wish all of my friends the absolute best :) )

Anyways, I have said all of that to say... I won't be getting married young. I'm gonna take my sweet time and enjoy life for me.

(whew)

so yeah to everyone who witnessed that crap I put on the D&R random thread a month ago: happy? lol. (I am.)

There are several people in my immediate circle who are married (up to ~27 years old), and most of the marriages were out of necessity (children, etc). Most of these marriages are strained, so it's making the rest of us glad that we're waiting.

I'm 26 and won't even consider marriage until I'm in my 30s. If the right one comes along before then, we'll be waiting until we're older.

You seem to have the right attitude about it.

You'll see as you grow that the things you think you want at age 20 aren't always the same things you know you want at age 30.

I was 23 (less than a year out of college), and my husband was 26 when we got married. We both agree now that we should have waited, because we've gone through a lot of crap over the years that probably wouldn't have happened had we been more mature. But, it is what it is, and we've made the best of it, and are happily married over 7 years later. :)

I was 26 when I married my husband, who I met in the military and is 2 years older than me. He had been divorced, because he got married at 19, when he was brand new in the military. You think college students are marriage crazy? Think about those who go straight into the military at 18 years old. THOSE are some crazy folks. Especially with the military's jacked up pay scale - they are encouraging folks to get married by saying "If you have dependents, you get more money." And so, they do. I can't even begin to tell you how many of my fellow sailors got married as soon as they were out of bootcamp, or at their first duty station. A few weeks, a couple of months, it was done. And then came the divorces.

I almost fell into a trap with another guy I dated in the military. Thank goodness I didnt become one of those statistics.

I dated my husband the whole time I was in college and we got married in October after I graduated in May - but I was 26, not, 22.

I only know of one couple who married before they were 25 who are still married today.

Several of my sorority sisters got engaged and married while still in school, and these were sisters who were typical college age. At least wait until you're finished with school....sheesh!

Did you know a lot of people who went into the military in order to get married?

That happened to my cousin. He was sprung over his girlfriend, he didn't care too much about going to college, and my aunt was too busy rutting men she met on BlackPlanet to care what her son was doing. So, he enlisted in 2001, his girlfriend barely finished HS and they got married as soon as she graduated from HS (like, the next day). Surprisingly, they're still together 8 years later. I do know a ton of other people who tried the same thing and it didn't work out so well.

LOL, this was like 8-10 years ago, so maybe there weren't a lot of sites like they are today?

She would travel across the country to schtupp these men, and didn't pay attention to the fact that her son was running up $1,000 phone bills and barely passing his classes. He was that sprung on this chick.

When my husband and I got engaged, I was 21 and a senior in college; he was 22 and a first-year grad student. When we got married, I was 23 and he was 24. I'd met the love of my life and I saw no reason to wait until I was 25 or 30 or some other arbitrary age.

You get married when it's "right". You and your partner want to spend the rest of your lives together, and you're mature enough to make that decision. You're on the same page with major decisions like careers, finances, and children. Just because you haven't turned 25 (or whatever) yet is no reason to postpone getting married.

I feel the same way about the idea of "having" to get married by a certain age. If you haven't met someone you want to spend the rest of your life with - don't just marry some random person just so you can say you got married by age 30 or whatever - you probably won't have a very happy marriage.

Some people meet the right person when they're young; others when they're older; and others never do. C'est la vie.

I agree with aephi alum completely. I am engaged and 23. My fiance is 24. We are waiting until 2013 to get married purely because we both realize that we need to finish med/grad school first. This is what is best for us, and it may not be ideal for someone else. The right time to get married is different for every couple; you can't put a timeframe on it.

I'm 20 now and have been with my guy for 4 1/2 years. We've definitely talked a bit about marriage at this point, especially since his sister just got married, a lot of people were asking at their reception about us.
I always made a rule that I wouldn't get engaged until "fall of my senior year." Well I'm set to graduate early, so this spring will be "fall" and I know that I'm not totally ready for that yet. I have considered it. I don't think I would say no in a late summer, early next fall proposal...but I also think it's perfectly fine to be engaged and not necessarily get married within that year. I probably will marry young, even though I never thought I would...by young, I mean probably by 23 or 24, but we'll just wait and see what happens.

A girl I board with recently rushed into a marriage with an air force guy *just* for the money. They were going to get married late next year but he told her they could get more money so she married him. They want to have another wedding next year :rolleyes:
Another girl is marrying her fiance who's a marine. They've been dating for years and years so I have no problems with this one. In fact, I'm quite excited :D
Sorority sister and her fiance (army?) are getting married in May. He graduated last May and she graduates in a week. They've been dating for about 4 years but I can't imagine getting married as soon as I graduate. I want a steady job with a steady income.

If you read the personal ads on CL for towns that have nearby military towns occasionally you'll see women propositioning "mutually rewarding" marriage to military guys, sometimes just for Tricare. :rolleyes:

The Military doesn't outright encourage their soldiers getting married but they sure as hell reward it with their BAH rates. There was a thread or discussion on this topic here prolly about 4 or 5 years ago.

Hell, if you walk around Killeen/Ft Hood, you'll hear women/GIs propositioning lol

But Tricare was on point...

I grew up in a military town, and that doesn't surprise me at all.

I'll echo all the folks who have said it depends on the people involved. I never planned to marry young, but it worked out that I met the perfect guy. We are the same age. Engaged at 21, married at 23, and will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary in May. I've never regretted marrying him when I did, and I don't think we had any issues because of our age.

I dunno. I mean, for me, I guess I don't really care what other couples my age are doing. Most my age are married, but my decision to marry has to be based on what's best for the both of us, not based on what "age" or when most couples tend to marry. I mean, I want to finish my career goals first. That's important to me. I just think the bottom line is if the two of you are not walking in the same direction in life, you'll end up going separate ways, regardless of when or the "age" you choose to marry. Whether you decide to marry young or not, aligning yourself in a committed relationship with a guy who doesn't agree with your values and basic belief systems will be problematic throughout the life of the marriage. It's just that for me, if he doesn't fit from the beginning, he never will. I mean, of course I could fit with a lot of guys, but one will fit better than most. What starts off right, in most cases finishes right. What starts of wrong usually never gets right, it just gets worse. I just think that if we want the best mate for our lives, we have to be willing to understand our own uniqueness and wait for the right fit, not look at what decisions other couples are making.

I got engaged at 22, married at almost 24. P and I have been dating for almost 10 years (yes folks, you read that right, since I was 16). P was just shy of 29 on our wedding day. Before we got married, I earned a graduate degree, lived in two foreign countries, etc (and I was a 24 year old bride with an art history degree...whoever mentioned that ;) ). P had/has a successful career as a web developer. I worked hard to get my job I've got now in the worst economy in recent history, and I didn't get married for some juvenile reason. I got married because I love him.

We survived the worst first year of marriage I can imagine...unemployment on my end, and then an incapacitating injury, major illnesses in his family, major illnesses on my family, etc. And the one solid happy thing through it? Our marriage. My partner. Because we're mature adults who believe and practice trust, compassion, and love. Just celebrated our two year anniversary on Nov 15.

< / cheeseball >

I've been happily married for 15 years. I married my college sweetheart, but I didn't get married until I was in my late 20s. I believe in being established financially, not just on my end but on her end, as well, before making that final decision. It's about supporting each other and being ready when both of you feel the time is right. I'm happy and I wouldn't change a thing.

I tend to agree with this.

Back when I was dating a military guy, I hung out with a few of the other guy's girlfriends. They were all married by 22/23 (some of them had been married since HS graduation). They got married early and had kids early. Since their military spouse was making all the money (not a whole lot though), they were mostly Stay At Home Moms who work part-time at Target/CVS/etc. to help hubby pay bills. Not all of them were happy/ok with that, either.

Sometimes, when we talked, they'd open up a little about their lives. One of the main things they said was "You're so lucky that you're going to college and probably going to grad school. If I had it to do all over again, I would have waited to get married and pursued my dreams. Now I have to wait for my kids to get older."

I always thought it was bizarre that one would have all these dreams and pitch them so early in life for a guy (especially when some of them had only been dating the guy for like a year tops). Then turn around and complain about it.

You may as well do what you want/need to do/accomplish before marriage, then you won't have to worry about it. For some, that's graduating from college, others want to to finish Med school, etc. Whatever it is for you.

I love how you put that. Hubby and I were definitely walking in the same direction (as each other, not necessarily the same direction we were 15 years ago), and though nothing is perfect, it works for us.

I agree that it's totally dependant on the people. Hubby and I got married when I was 25, and he was almost 27. We had both finished college, started our careers, and dated for 5 years. However-after our first year of dating, when I was 21, we started talking about getting married and ring shopping-and after a while, I freaked out and briefly broke up with him-I just couldn't do it at that time. A few years later-I was totally ready. Now we look back and say thank goodness we didn't do it right away!
However.....
My cousin's wife was 22 when they got married. She dropped out of juco to plan the wedding. Shocking that she never went back :rolleyes: Now she's squeezed out their first (of many, I'm sure) kid and that's all she's got. That kid is her whole life. No career. No degree. Nothing outside the husband and kid. Put aside the "what would you do to survive/for money/for your child if your husband was ever out of the picture" issue-but I worry about them long term as well.

I know girls who have dropped out of school to get married. I even know one who only had a semester left and chose to get married instead of finishing her degree. (I'm not sure why those two things were mutually exclusive, but for her they seemed to be). To me, that is a complete waste.

^^^Omg. OMG. That is FAIL.