Etiquette dilemma
 

k_s... not about white or the "southern" way of doing things :p

I am wondering how I should approach this, if I decide to at all.

My husband’s brother (BiL) recently told my husband that he has bought an engagement ring and plans to propose to his live-in girlfriend. This is great news, because we really like her and her daughter, and we’re happy for them and for them to become a part of the family. However, I’m concerned about the timing and place BiL plans to propose to his GF.

Husband and BiL have a cousin getting married in Virginia the weekend before Christmas. Hub and I cannot go, but BiL and GF are going. BiL plans to propose to her the night before their cousins wedding. No one else in the family knows that The Ring has been bought, but GF knows, because she picked it out. I’ve always been taught that attention on a wedding day should be on the bride and groom (which is why you don’t wear white to a wedding, why you don’t propose to your girlfriend at the reception, etc.). If BiL proposes to GF the night before, in the hotel room, the same hotel that the bride and groom and all other out of town guests are staying at, the same hotel where the reception is after the church ceremony, everyone will know immediately on the day of the wedding as soon as she's seen wearing The Ring. Word will spread like wildfire. Supposedly The Ring is large (3.5 carats total) so it will be pretty noticable. While I think people will be happy and excited for them, I also think it will be taking away from the cousins’ special day.

Should I mind my own damn business? Is it bad etiquette on my part to say something? Or should I put a bug in BiLs ear that it might distract (detract?) from Cousins wedding day? The men in this family are not the type to think about this kind of stuff. When I said something to the Hub, even he was like "huh. Yeah, I guess when you look at it from that perspective..." but he refuses to be the one to say anything (spineless git). Note: BiL and GF go away for long weekends all the time, this particular weekend just happens to be handy for him.

Technically, no, it's not your place to say something but I would want to, too. And I would REALLY want someone to say something if I were the bride. If he's someone you feel close enough to to bring it up, maybe just tell him you want to give him the woman's perspective on the day and time he's chosen. If he HAS to do it that weekend, maybe he could do it after the wedding? Find a nice pretty spot or stay over a day and do something romantic after the bride has had her day?

I'd say something. He's your BIL. You can say it tactfully so that it doesn't come off as rude. I agree that men have a tendency not to see how timing of these things might not be appropriate. Not to mention, his GF deserves to have everyone oooh and ahhh over her ring and her new engagement rather than focus on someone else's happy day. Suggest sometime after the wedding...but not Christmas. That makes the ring a gift for future possible break ups (just saying since it's 3.5 carats!)

^^^Ditto AOII Alum.

Plus, I think it would be MORE romantic for him to propose after they've just shared in someone else's happy day. But that's me.

he should either go ahead and propose now so that everyone gets the "congratulations" over with before the wedding or wait until they get home from the wedding. just come up with a tactful way to tell him that it would detract from the relatives wedding. he's a guy-it probably didn't occur to him that it would draw attention away from the bride and groom.

Absolutely agree. No bride that I know wants to share the spotlight (and that is what would be happening if BIL proposed the night before the wedding) with another relative who has just become engaged. Not only that, he would soooo win if AFTER the wedding he told his GF that the cousin's wedding made him realize how much he loves her, and how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, blah blah blah. And she of course would WAL.

If GF has the ring, he's as good as proposed anyhow. IrishLake, you shouldn't say anything, but your husband should tell his brother that he's committing a faux pas that will follow him the rest of his relationship with the family by proposing at anytime near the wedding.

Does the proposal have to be a big public splash? Why don't they get engaged in their own way, then there's a possibility that the bride & groom might actually want to propose a toast to the next couple up the aisle? At least it puts the ball in their court.

I don't see anything wrong with him proposing to her the night before the cousin's wedding. It's not as tacky as proposing to someone during the wedding reception (a la "The Best Man").

I say mind your own business. But if you insist on saying something, you can make it tongue-in-cheek like "uh oh that's definitely going to steal the show from...." If there's a point to be grasped, he's probably smart enough to grasp it. If your brother-in-law is anything like my friends, family, and me we would tell you to mind your own damn business if you said it anything other than tongue-in-cheek. :)

ETA: And it really doesn't have to steal the show from the cousin. If the family lets that happen, that's because the family sucks (:p). The couple who is getting engaged can make this as personal and private as they want to and respectfully request that the family not get all hooplahha about it until after the wedding.

Sorry, but a 3.5 carat engagement ring steals the show in many situations, even with non-sucky families. As in, "Did you see that rock on her hand? OMG, where did he get the money for that? Hang on, we have to toast the bride and groom..." Unless their last name is Rockefeller, Hearst, Getty, where a 3.5 ct ring would be cause for talk in different way! Of course, if he does go ahead and propose to her before the wedding, perhaps she could refrain from wearing it until they leave.

It doesn't make sense to not wear the engagement ring until after the wedding. And whether a 3.5 carat engagement ring is a scene stealer depends on the scene. Not everyone who isn't a Rockefeller, Hearst, or Getty would be so enamored by that.

Turn it around.

Impress on BiL that fiancee most likely wants the proposal to be something special (even if she has picked out the ring) with its own special time and place, not just blending into someone else's wedding.

If I was the fiancee to be in that situation, unless it was the wedding of someone who I was VERY VERY VERY extremely close to, I would be irked. I'm surmising the people whose wedding it is don't mean jack to her other than being her bf's cousin.

It doesn't have to be admiration to create a stir. Both the bride and future fiancee will be short changed if he does this right before the wedding, and the simple solution is to move the moment of proposal by a few hours.

I think he should make sure he gets the garter, she gets the bouquet and he can propose on the spot after he puts the garter on her leg...

Just kidding :)

LOL. Similar things have happened.

Maybe he should wait until the newlyweds hop onto their unicorn and fly to the honeymoon. Surely they've had enough attention by then. And can you really steal the attention from a unicorn?!

Right, but as everyone's family is different your experience is not universal. I'm getting the feeling your experience isn't what IrishLake thinks her family's will be since she went to the trouble to ask. I personally do not get over excited about just about anything (and am not romantic or sentimental), and will not be having a big showstopping wedding, but I would be irritated if someone were to steal the weekend out from under me. I would feel the same were I proposed to there, since not only would I feel guilty about taking attention from the bride, I wouldn't be able to celebrate at all until the wedding was over.

ETA: The exception being if the proposal was by or to a close friend that would know me well enough to handle it well. If it were essentially a stranger...yes, I'd be irritated.

How could you tell? :eek: Is it when I said "I disagree and that goes to show that there are different ways to view the proposal and wedding thing" or "I know I'd handle this if it were my family and friends...and IrishLake will figure out how to handle it for hers."

You're swift like Taylor!

LOL. But by looking at Taylor Swift, she gives me the impression that she's not very swift.

A lesbian wedding?

I <3 this sentance.

BiL and I are close. Hubby told me last night I should probably say something. Cousin would probably be a little upset. (BiL and Hubby butt heads on a lot of stuff, but BiL likes me more than he likes his brother).

On my way into the office this morning, I saw a picture of her kissing up on him. Ruined my day. :mad: I've had a crush on him since "City Slickers." Was she even born then?

You automatically win because you know what needs to be said and how to say it. You won't try to make him feel like an inconsiderate fool for ever thinking it was a good idea. LOL.

If he still does it, will that change your opinion of him? That probably won't happen but perhaps that's possible.

:rolleyes:. I wonder if putting people down ever gets old.

I forget how old she is now. They are on the cover of some magazine looking like high schoolers. I could be "mad" but then I remember the Stevie Nicks performance which puts Taylor back in a "child's" place. LOL.

This isn't one of THOSE threads. Laugh a little about unicorns and stealing a cousin's wedding shine or stop typing to me.

Nope, not at all. I did my duty as a loving SiL, and if he goes through with it, it's his issue to deal with the aftermath (if any), not mine. But at least his decision will be more informed.

Then play nice....or stop typing to me.:D

She'll be 21 in a few days.

30 and 21 seems like a big gap.

It wasn't supposed to make it a "just kidding". I wasn't.

I know once you hit a certain age a few years age gap doesn't matter so much, but man 21 and 30 don't seem compatible. Maybe she's an old soul, which I can see. I just find myself doubting this will last very long.

So those of you that are in love with him really shouldn't be put off. There's no way this will be long term. I'm calling it now.

I would say that whether or not your BiL proposing the night before the wedding will be an issue really is dependant on the family. As a relatively new bride, I wouldn’t have taken offense if someone got engaged the night before my wedding, as long as the proposal wasn’t during my reception. I guess it depends on how he goes about proposing. If he makes the proposal a big public thing, such as proposing during the rehearsal dinner or something where the entire family is around, then it would probably be an issue. However, if he proposes in a way that kind of keeps it quiet, such as during a private moment between just the two of them, then I don’t see a problem with it. The couple just needs to be responsible and realize that while they just got engaged, the day should not be about them. They can celebrate their engagement all they want later.

The argument being made about her ring being a distraction, since it is 3.5 carat, and everyone learning that she is engaged at the wedding if she wears it the next day could be a valid point. However, what would be the difference between him proposing this coming weekend and her wearing the ring to the wedding in two weeks versus him proposing the night before the wedding and her wearing the ring? Depending on how close the extended family is, since it is the cousin’s wedding and not immediate family, even if the couple got engaged earlier, such as this weekend, most of the family probably would not have found out about the engagement until the wedding anyway. At least this would be the case in my extended family where I only see 90% of them once a year and / or at weddings and funerals.

Yeah, 9 is a big deal when you can't go to the club with your lady. :) Two of my friends just got married and there's a 9-year age difference; she's 25 and he's 34. She's also pretty mature and he's a big kid, so they even each other out pretty well.

Because you're too serious.

I doubt it but anything's possible. LOL.

Jake Gyllenhall was in City Slickers???

Yeah, he played Billy Crystal's son.

I had to remember how we got in the topic of Jake Gyllenhal. LOL.

IrishLake, will you let us know how it goes?

Nope, just mean what I say.

Her songs are ridiculously out of touch with reality and if she really believes all that junk she's got unrealistic expectations, but I have a feeling she's actually just a smart girl that knows she's found her niche. Who knows...maybe he's an immature 30?

I still don't think it'll last though.

Chuckle.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...u9lg9fsgRRzHJ6

This is so cute. Don't you agree, Munchkin03? :) Don't hate on the looooove.

D-Phil, yep, I'll let ya'll know how it goes!

I doubt she's all that mature if she was recently "in love" with that Taylor boy that plays the werewolf in "Twilight." But...this is Hollywood.

I thought they lasted for like 2 seconds.

As a 21+ crowd member I like the maturity of the 30+ crowd. I think I felt similarly at 21, but I wasn't really looking at the time.