HELP! Big/Little problems :(
 

I recently transfered from the University where I was initiated, and since then my little (who I'm really close with) has been telling me that some of the girls in my sorority are trying to take her as a little now that I'm gone. When I took her, she was one of those girls that everyone wanted as a little. And apparently they still do.

It started first when her roommate suggested she take her (and then her roomie's big wrote on my little's wall "GRANDLITTLE!", like it was official), but then I found out there were a few girls that legitimately want her and have brought it up. I think for the most part people assume we're not that close because we have really different personalities.

I'm not sure there's anything I can really do about this, but what do you all think? I'm really upset about the whole thing.

And this will effect your relationship how? You chose to leave your chapter. Let your little sis have whatever relationship she wants/needs in the chapter. Does she want an "adopted" big sis? This doesn't have to replace you, but you aren't there anymore. If she doesn't want a new big, encourage her to stand up for herself, but if she does, be the bigger person and give her the okay to move on. You can still be her "real" big sis without being jealous that she has another sister filling in for you now that you've gone. It's up to you to continue your relationship with her despite the fact that you no longer are an active part of your chapter, but you can't be mad that leaving has left a void for her.

Swerving, but here's my $0.02

Several of the universities in my region are very transient, so there are often brothers that have initiated at different chapters. Even before social media sites exploded, it was still understood that XYZ is my little brother, even at a different school. Now, with FB and cell phones being so popular, it's not hard to keep in touch with your big/little, even if you're in different cities.

We have had brothers "adopt" littles, but this was more for fun (not an "official change" or anything). In the grand scheme of things, though, fighting for a big/little seems a bit silly.

When I was in college, I adopted my sister-daughter because her sister-mom left school for personal reasons the semester after daughter was initiated. We still saw her around and kept in touch, but she obviously was no longer coming to chapter meetings and events. I can't speak for my new sister-daughter, but I loved being there for her whenever she needed someone to talk to, decorating her door on her birthday, just being there for her.

Get over it. You made the decision to transfer and she's going to need sisters to turn to who are on campus. Don't expect her to burn a candle in your honor by living with that void of not having an adopted big.

Concur. Let your Little do as she sees fit. She can designate someone as a pseudo-Big. When I was an active, my Little, Dena, transferred after one year. Then my Twin Star, Melissa (we had the same big) dropped out for no apparent reason, and she left a little (Lisa) who was in the same pledge class as Dena. I became Lisa's pseudo-Big. Melissa was still her Big, and Dena was still my little, but for gifting and family activity stuff, I served as Lisa's Big. I spoiled her little, my pseudo-grand-Little Katie, rotten. Melissa and Dena were never offended.

There's a difference between pseudo-bigs for event purposes and going to the official family tree and changing where your name was/completely ignoring your real big's ever having existed. The first is fine and fun. The second is just straight up rude.

If she's doing the first, don't begrudge it. If she's doing the second, I would remind her that you transferred - you did not self-terminate or get kicked out of the sorority. If your big's a senior and she graduates, you don't get a new one. Is anyone else in your family line still in the chapter?

Your little, if she's truly as close to you as she says, needs to say "hey, I'm flattered, but SunDevilGreek is still my big, even though she's not here." She's not an inanimate object, she can't be "taken" if she doesn't consent to it.

It really sucks and it happened to me. I transferred to a different university and my grand-little was being initiated the month after school started. I had ordered flowers for her before I left and spent winter break making a little/grandlittle package that I sent before initiation. I also called as soon as school started to see how things were going. FB and email were not an option at this time, but I was taking my responsibilities seriously as a big.

My little and I were pretty close. In fact, one summer I had this overwhelming urge that I needed to call her. I had no idea why. It was July I think and we hadn't spoke all summer. (We lived in different states and long distance calling was pretty expensive at the time.) She had just got back from identifying the body of her cousin/best friend/roommate after a horrible car accident. We just had a connection.

I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but I think my little was jealous because I was taking on a second little. I got involved with the chapter at my second school and recruited my second little at the transfer seminar and she wanted me to be her big.

When she told me she was being adopted by my pledge sister, I was crushed. My other two littles suffered for it, because I never really let myself get that close to them. She just FB friended me a year ago, after 15 years. I accepted, but neither of us have posted on each other's wall to this day.

Pseudo or God-Bigs are a great alternative. I have a God-Big, because my Big decided she doesn't want anything to do with the sorority. I also have a Second Big from my second chapter, because I needed someone I could turn to when some things went haywire, but I never replaced my Big, even though she decided to leave. I still hope some day she will come around. I look for her on FB sometimes and am friends with by Grand Big and Great Grand Big.

The reason why I'm making this long post is so that you know you're not alone. It sucks and there is nothing you can do about it. Feel free to PM me anytime for moral support. Those who have never gone through this have no idea how painful it actually can be.

Did you see how all of this was pointless? You both made the situation painful for no reason. You were mad because she got an adopted Big Sis....but you got a new Lil Sis. In the end, sisters are not trophies. They have needs and being completely militant about the Big-Lil relationship causes more pain and ruins more relationships. Yes, it's painful, but their are painful situations in all relationships. The important thing is to PRESERVE the friendship because 10 to 15 years later, wouldn't you rather be speaking to your Big or Lil sis than being able to tell this story?

No one's being militant or looking at someone as a trophy. It's about being rejected - not rejected as part of a sorority, rejected as YOU - for reasons like transferring that are beyond your control.

If you wouldn't be deeply hurt by that, I don't know how else to explain it to you.

To say "oh well, she got a new big, you got a new little, everything's hunky dory" is kind of like saying "oh well, you divorced, he got a new wife, you got a new husband, why all the unnecessary pain?" Maybe that's a little much, but a relationship is a relationship.

I don't get why someone would get so worked up about this. She's not at the school or in the chapter anymore. They remain close, but they aren't able to do things on a daily basis. The little deserves to have a big there in her chapter and involved then and there. I think the big is being extremely selfish and treating her former little as an object. If this behavior continues, she's likely to not only lose her little, but destroy any kind of friendship they have.

Like I said, it depends on the degree to which this is being done. In the OP's case, it sounds like girls in the chapter are poaching and trying to push the little into it...which means THEY are just as, if not more, guilty of "objectification" as the big.

Or just as likely that the little is wanting to make sure the big knows how popular and desired she is blah blah. It's just a stupid thing to get worked up over IMHO.It's not like she's still there and they're infringing on a current relationship.

The depth/importance of these relationships are different at every school and every chapter. If it wasn't like this in your chapter that's fine, but don't be dismissive.

Um, adoption is a cut off. She chose to end the friendship/relationship. If she chooses to reactivate it, I of course will always be there for her. It is a vow I took, but I am not going to make the first move and I don't feel adding me as a FB friend qualifies as a first major big move.

As for my new little sisters, I treated them well. I went to all pledge activities, gave gifts, took them out, visited after I graduated and even participated in a tradition that was a big no no at my old chapter. But, I can honestly say, my emotions were reserved and I never let myself be as connected. I was invited to both their weddings and even slept over one of their houses this year.From the outside, nobody would know the difference. I knew the difference though.

Maybe it's because we're sisters, but you totally get me.

In ASA, the primary responsibility of a big is to ensure the little has all the support she needs to get initiated. I did that. I also offered emotional support on a friendship level during and after pledging. I would have graduated in one year anyway. Do you feel that any time someone graduates that their littles should be adopted since they can't now be the head of the family on campus? Actually, it's not even that she was alone. My tree had 4 branches, thanks to my great, great, great, grandbig. My big (though not active), grandbig and great grandbig were all still on campus. There were cousins and aunts too. Maybe it is a GLO thing, or maybe it is that these relationships, as 33 mentioned, are just different on every campus.

I don't understand... after initiation, the big/little (or in my case, sister-mother/sister-daughter) relationship should be much less important, no? I mean, you can still be close, and you can love your tree or whatever, but any sister would be welcomed to do nice things for any other sister (the decorating the door, etc.) - why does it have to be your big doing it for you or you doing it for your little?

My sister-mother was particularly close with three other women at the time I was a new member, and as a result, I became close with them as a NM. Two of those three, plus my sister-mother, are probably 3 of my best friends ever. In fact, I'll have been in all three of their weddings, once my sister-mother gets married next fall.

If you have personal problems with the people doing the potential "poaching" it shouldn't be her problem unless family trees are being rearranged. If my sister-mother had transferred I don't think she would have been upset if I continued to be very close with the other women I was close with in the chapter. If you have personal problems with those trying to "adopt" your little, really that's a problem with you and that person, and is something that should have no bearing on your big/little relationship (and getting possessive about your little is actually pretty petty, IMO).

I guess what I'm saying is, why can't she have close friendships with the people who she chooses to have them with after you leave? Is she supposed to become some sort of loner at that point?

Okay, back to the OP. Would having a god-big be a good solution to this problem? Are there events and stuff that you do in families, or other reasons why she would NEED to have a big, instead of just close friendships with other women in the house?

That's the point - that's exactly what's happening.

Where was that said?

Sorry, I should have worded that differently. She really didn't answer that question that I asked her. HOWEVER, if that is the case, as you said, she has the right to be pissed.

Right, but if that's not what's happening, she has no right to be pissed, IMO.

I think I agreed in both of my posts that this can be painful, but comparing it to a marriage is about as ridiculous as you can get. Seriously! The point I am making is that advocating that she should be petulant and demand that her little sis not be "adopted" or cut her off will in the end ruin a friendship that up to this point she values. This has nothing to do with rejection. It has to do with her little sis finding a support system in her chapter once her big sis transferred (whether or not it was avoidable.) Raggedy Ann got a new little sis at her new chapter to find a way to fit in and find a new support system in her new chapter, which was completely understandable. It was unreasonable that her first little sis objected to that. Why can't we be supportive sisters from a distance and realize that our sisters need support at their chapters when we are gone? Yes, it hurts that they find support from other sisters. Get over it. You have to work harder to keep your relationship going at that point, but it is well worth it. I certainly hope the OP takes my advice and keeps her relationship going with her little, no matter what happens at her old chapter. Not EVERYTHING has to do with her.

You're contradicting yourself.

If the specific big/little relationship means as little in the long run as you seem to think, why do they need the "support" of being specifically adopted by someone else? Isn't a chapter full of sisters "support" enough? Isn't the little being "petulant" to want a new big even when she has other family members there to support her?

Let's just say different chapters look at big/little in different ways and let it go at that.

Also, I never saw anything in the OP's post that said she was going to cut her little out of her life. If anything, she seems afraid that the little is going to do that to her.

We all know that in a big chapter, you can get lost in a sea of sisters. Just because you have an extended "family" does not mean that they are close to you or actually lend you support. If they do, great. My whole point is, don't begrudge your Little if she seeks support from another sister. From what the OP wrote, her Little sister isn't seeking out anything, other sisters are seeking her out. Of course, this is all one sided. When I wrote about cutting her little sister out of her life, I was referring to Raggedy Ann's story and warning the OP that this was not a good way to handle the situation.

I think "Big Sis" is a label. I gets overused, and people allow it to hurt their feelings for no reason. It's only natural that her little sis will seek other sisters to make close relationships with once her Big Sis has left the chapter. Does it really matter that much if she calls her Big Sis or Adopted Big Sis or Pseudo Big Sis or God Big Sis? If she still has a good relationship with her original Big Sis, she can have the best of both worlds. There should be no reason to choose. These are not exclusive relationships. It's not a marriage, and she's not CHEATING.

So there's a lot going on in this thread, let me make a few things clear.

1. Yes family trees would be rearranged if she took a new big (the ones that are proposing taking her, anyway)

2. She is definitely AGAINST the idea of having a new big, these girls are trying to coerce her into it. Don't get me wrong, they're not banging down her door or anything, but she's sort of the type of person that gets talked into things easily. I'm not angry at her AT ALL for any of this, nor do I actually think she would ever get a new big. I'm upset with the girls that are seriously considering taking her as a little. I mean quite frankly it's just rude.

3. I'm an awesome big. I took her in her freshman year (she's a junior now) and I've helped her through everything (not just initiation) that's come up in her life. Parents, school, boy drama, etc. Now that I'm gone I send her care packages, we talk almost everyday, and I'm flying out for her 21st this winter. I'm honestly doing everything I can to be as good a big as I can be while she's on the other side of the country.

4. Finally, this isn't a possessive thing. My little is my best friend- if she takes another big, that's like breaking the bond that brought us together. I know some people aren't very close with their bigs, and maybe in some chapters the big/little relationship is for initiation mostly. Everyone in my chapter puts a huge emphasis on the big/little relationship, so that's why them moving in on her is so hurtful. BECAUSE IT'S A BIG DEAL.

Thanks so much for all your comments, I needed insight.

Can I also just add in reference to the comments that I "left her": That makes it sound like something I did selfishly. I COULDN'T stay (and believe me I wanted to). It was SUPER hard telling her I was leaving, we were both crying. I felt horrible. So yes, I did leave the university, but (like I told her) I'm always 100% there for her, even if I'm not there in person.


PS. I actually like the idea of a God-Big. I'm not sure if she physically needs a big anymore since she's not a new member, but I will ask :)

I don't think that other people should be pressuring her into being 'adopted' into their 'family' but I also don't think her doing so should utterly destroy the foundations of your relationship either.

My two cents. If that ;)

Then there's no issue.

Your friendship won't cease to exist because of someone else taking her as a little. Would they forbid her to speak with you? Would they stop you two from seeing each other?

You can still maintain a great relationship without the titles.

I never said our relationship would "cease to exist". This isn't about that. I'm upset AT THE OTHER GIRLS. The situation INVOLVES my little, but really doesn't have anything to do with her, if that makes sense.

I'm really wondering if your little is being "coerced". Perhaps she is telling you that, but the reality could be that she is sending out mixed signals to all involved. I admit, I am a bit of a cynic.

So, they're going to let your tree die out? Did you take another little while you were active in that chapter?

If so, that's really effing shitty.

But my comments still stand. It's an issue that, should you choose to, you should work out with the people doing the coercing, if that makes sense.

So your little won't take a new big, even though others are trying? Also, you and your little maintain a great relationship, even in your absence?

I don't see what the problem is. It sounds like you're mad that the other girls are trying, but if your little isn't responding to it, there's really no issue.

You need be straight with the other girls and say "I realize you love Little, but what you are doing is really hurting my feelings." It's not like you dropped off the earth.

I also agree with sbm that your little may not be as blameless in all this as she claims. It's an awesome thing to feel like people want you that much, even if it is in kind of an underhanded way, and she may be enabling it more than she realizes. She needs to grow a pair and say "I HAVE a big. Drop it. NOW."

Hope you get this all worked out, because it is a shitty situation that should never even have happened.

I completely agree. Sounds like a lot of drama is being stirred up here by your Little. The fact that all of you are upperclassmen should mean that you are past this kind of crap.

I understand where you're coming from. You're right; there's really not much you can or even should do about it, but it certainly does hurt.

When I initiated, "adoptions" were the anomaly. But shortly after Initiation, one of my pledge sisters relinquished her membership, and another pledge sister's Big relinquished hers as well--so the abandoned Big and Little adopted each other. I felt a little ripped off, to be honest, because the abandoned Big was my first choice for a Big. Anyway... later on in college, the 2nd of my two Littles, with whom I had the closer relationship, relinquished her membership. Her little--my GrandLittle--, even though she'd been a full initiated member for several years, decided to be adopted by someone else. This actually hurt me a whole lot, because I was still very active in the chapter as a senior. To this day, even though it's not all that important in the grand scheme of things, I'm still a little hurt by my GLil's choice to be adopted.

Long story short, I think it would be worth mentioning your feelings to your Little. True, it may not be the end of the world if she chooses to take another Big, and it wouldn't necessarily be the end of your friendship (certainly not your sisterhood!), and it might even be a good idea for her to take another Big because you're no longer at the same school (especially if it's within her first year of joining). But still... I think you owe it to yourself to express your feelings, and you owe it to your Little to fill her in, as well.

Best of luck!!

When we had people transfer out or graduate, people often took on what we called "pseudo-bigs" and "pseudo-littles." The tree was still intact, but they had their real big and then a stand-in. Often the two families would unofficially merge, and it's cool to see those branches still taking pictures with their "pseudo-families" years later at initiation day, all because two women supported each other.

Yes it is a possessive thing. If something like this can tarnish your relationship, then you really aren't as close as you think or say.

You're not there. You left. It's out of your control. And frankly, if she's already a junior how many girls can really want to take her on as a little for what amounts to a few months before they graduate?

And if she really is being omgtotallycoerced, then she needs to put on her big girl thong and give them a firm, loving and definitive "thanks but no thanks."

Your posts are making both of you sound like drama queens. Maybe that's your real bond.