lady_chem's Disappointing Recruitment
 

Hey GC,

I joined fairly recently after lurking for several weeks. I just finished sorority recruitment at my school, and I want to tell my story. My mom is anti-Greek and doesn't give any opinions other than, "You don't need that, you can do other stuff." Bid Day was today.

Background: I go to a small school. Until this summer, I was absolutely against becoming a Greek woman. I took an intense summer class, and my two favorite female sophomore counselors were both in ABC at my school. I thought, "Hey, they seem awesome, it can't be that bad." Plus, all of our sophomore counselors would talk about how different Greek life is here when compared to other schools. I have always felt like I never fit in, and I though that Greek life would encourage me to step out of my shell and get involved on campus. I don't think I would have tried if I were at a bigger school.

Our chapters are all quite new, being 15 years old or less.

Freshman year started up, and Recruitment with it. Each of our three sororities had a "pre-party" and I went to all of them. I kept an open mind, but I didn't feel any click whatsoever with one of them, which I'll call DEF. I felt very fond of XYZ because all the women were friendly and sweet.

When the formal part of Recruitment started, I still wasn't sure about joining, but once again I kept my mind open.

Our FMR is made up of 3 parties, one per week, and Bid Day is the day after Preference.

First Party: My party order was XYZ, ABC, and DEF.
First round: I talked to 5 women, including the President. I still had a high opinion of them from their pre-party and it didn't change. I enjoyed my time there, and I also liked the organization's values as a whole. The only thing that threw me off was that most of them seemed to be athletes and I'm not sports-like.
Second Round: I enjoyed the people I talked to, but didn't feel as much of a click. They have the highest average GPA of all Greek chapters at my school, and their academic support system intrigued me greatly.
Third Round: Once again, I felt no relationship forming between me and the members. This chapter is the newest one and numbers are still small.

Second Party (order: DEF, XYZ, ABC)
First Round: We played a board game with trivia questions related to the organization. I still felt no click with the two people at my table, but I did enjoy getting to know one of them.
Second Round: My conversations with them weren't as good as they were before. Once again I ended up speaking with the President, but I didn't feel as comfortable this time around. They video taped a skit, but it didn't appeal to me.
Third Round: I fell in love with ABC. Their skit was so creative and showed off the talent of the group. One of my counselors from the summer thing got to talk with me, and that was very nice. I ended up with the President of this group, and I liked her but didn't feel a strong click.

Second Party cemented my decision: I knew I wanted to be a Greek.

Preference Party (I was invited back to all three in the order ABC, XYZ, DEF):
First Round: I ended up talking with the President again for the whole time. I was disappointed because I felt I wanted to meet other sisters I could relate with better (there were plenty I had met before). The candle ceremony was so meaningful and beautiful. Unfortunately I was clumsy and knocked over my dessert cup and got Oreo crumbs on the table.
Second Round: Conversations were good, and I felt really comfortable. One of the women didn't seem too interested in talking to me.
Third Round: Conversation was better than in previous times. The Preference ceremony was so beautiful and involved both PNMs and Actives. I was preffed by both the woman I had slightly better conversation with the week before and the President. I still felt no click whatsoever.

I deliberated between ABC and XYZ for a while, and put DEF down as my third choice. I didn't want to snub them and based on the previous parties, I felt confident I would get a bid from one of the other two. I put ABC as my first choice because I knew I would fit in.

I was SO excited for Bid Day! The thought of it got me through the week. We weren't allowed to open our envelopes until everyone got them. I opened mine up to find a card for DEF. My first thought was a mix of sadness, hurt, and confusion. I wasn't sure what to think, I wanted one of the other two so badly! I didn't think it went bad at all at any of the parties.

We had maybe 30 girls at Bid Day, 4 of which are in DEF (that includes me). I know the numbers of DEF are smaller because they're newer, but I'm hurt that out of all that are in the other chapters, somehow I didn't make it. I never felt any sort of bond with DEF, but I just knew ABC would be the best match for me.

Perhaps I didn't make my interest clear enough. Maybe I shouldn't have put down DEF despite the fact that I didn't feel like I was meant for it.

After we opened our bids, we went with our group to hang out for the night. DEF doesn't have a house/suite/block of rooms, so we went to the house that one of the active's boyfriend is renting. Half an hour away. I felt so out of place the entire evening. I wanted to give them another chance, but I still didn't feel it whatsoever. I wanted to leave, but didn't because a) we were far from campus, and b) I didn't want to be rude. They were all so nice to me anyway, why should I be rude? I ended up leaving earlier with a group going back to deliver bids to athletes returning from competition.

I got to my room and started bawling. I'm not supposed to feel this awful on Bid Day! Everyone kept talking about how they just got this feeling they belonged, and how it felt like home. I don't have that feeling. I just feel dread and hurt.

I feel rejected. I've been rejected from various social situations my whole life, and I knew I found somewhere where I would belong and be accepted.

I called one of our Membership Recruitment Counselors (essentially our version of Rho Chi) to talk about my feelings. We're going to meet tomorrow to talk things over. I'm not sure what that will do, but at this point I'm not planning on staying with DEF. I just don't feel it.

The thing that bugs me most is that two girls in my MRC group would always complain and make fun of stuff ABC did at their parties, and would go on about how stupid and cheesy it was. I found it beautiful. They both are in ABC now. I want to be slightly infuriated.

There's my (really long) recruitment story. I needed to share it somewhere.

Keep your chin up, girl. Everything happens for a reason; you were meant to get a bid to this house, regardless of whether you choose to stick with it or not. After the situation resolves itself (whenever and however it does), you'll be able to look back and say "oh, that's why!".

So by the way, it took me about 4 seconds to figure out what school you go to, so I'd be careful what you say here. But please keep in mind that it takes time for a new chapter to establish itself on campus. As you said, they don't even have the housing they need yet to really be a part of the campus culture. IF you can give them a chance and can be part of the growth and establishment they need, you may have all those things you desire by the time you graduate.

Before you throw in the towel you might look into the plans they have for a dorm floor or a house or something. It might make a huge difference in your feeling part of something. Choosing to go to a boyfriend's apartment for a new member gathering was not a very smooth plan, but I'd make sure it was just one stupid mistake and not an ongoing way of handling things.

You do have to do what's going to make you happy, and it's too bad you weren't explained thoroughly enough the repercussions of what you put on your pref card, but please keep in mind that Greek membership is for a lifetime and it can be very fulfilling, even when you're in the small chapter on campus. Good luck!

QFP

DubaiSis = Thank you for reminding me about what I say, I do need to remember to take that into consideration. Perhaps waiting until the emotions had died down would have been better. :)

Please understand that I do not wish to discount these women, but I truly feel nothing in common with them. It doesn't matter to me that they don't have a house or designated living area, so to say. That's not what I'm looking for in a sisterhood.

the vast majority of new members do not feel an instant connection with their chapter. that takes time. it takes more than a year for some girls.

i find it ironic that you state that you feel rejected and that you have had that happen before, but now you seem poised to reject the group that DID want you. This group did not reject you. please give them a chance.

This happened to me when I went through a structured informal the day we got our invites back. All of my top 4 chapters had dropped me and girls were complaining they got back my favorite. It's disheartening.

That being said, after other informal recruitment, I ended up accepting a bid to what was a chapter that had not impressed me (but that I hadn't disliked) through a COB situation. While I may not have felt a connection through the stress of visiting so many chapters, one on one, I love these girls now and loved them at their COB event, etc. I'm so happy I ended up where I did. Even though it's only been a few weeks, they have been some of the best of my college experience.

OK, at such a small school/rush I can say this with authority. ABC was NOT the best match for you. You have to trust the girls at ABC on this one. Don't be angry with them or think you failed - in chapters/rushes this small it's not as though you fell through the cracks. It's not a matter of liking someone or not liking someone, it's a matter of who fits where. There are women who went through rush that I loved to death but I knew they would not fit into our chapter or be happy there.

Reading back over your posts, it honestly sounds like you had the most positive things to say about DEF, the ones who gave you a bid. Look back over these posts and pretend someone else wrote them, and then tell us what you think.

As far of the girls that made fun of the group where they are now, it's possible they were doing so as a self-defense mechanism - to cut their losses in case they didn't get a bid.

I'll say what I said before: from now on, ABC and XYZ do not exist. They have ceased to be. You have to quit saying "IF I would have gotten a bid to one of the other 2 groups, THEN I would have been happy." (FWIW, it's a pretty good plan to not say "If ___________, then I would have been happy" in general for life.)

This is sooo true. ABC made your decision for you, and honestly, do you really want to be part of a group that didn't think you'd fit in with them?

Please consider sticking with your group at least a couple more weeks. You're not eligible to pledge anywhere else for a year anyway. The first gathering or two can be awkward as you get to know each other. At least give it a chance.;)

This. At a school as small as yours, you simply are not going to be able to get another chance to be Greek. The women in the other organizations knew you weren't the best fit for them and nothing is going to change that. Take this opportunity to try and make a sincere effort to make it work with the group that did think enough of you to give you a bid. If it still doesn't work for you, you can walk away with a clear conscience knowing that you gave it your best shot.

By the way, we all do cheesy things as Greeks. It's not like we don't recognize them for what they are, but sometimes you have to embrace the corniness.

She said it was a house, NOT an apartment, and I'd hardly call it a "stupid mistake." As a matter of fact, it says a lot about the caliber of men that the chapter's women associate with that one of them was nice and kind enough to do that for his girlfriend's sorority. Would you have rather they went to a hotel room with an impersonal atmosphere and unnecessary expense?

No kidding. Too bad she feels too good for this group. Their probably a really great group of girls.

Exactly. Take some time to get involved and get to know the women in your new sorority. How can you know it's not right for you if you don't give them, or yourself, a chance? There might be a lot more there than meets the eye, and if they are the youngest and smallest chapter on campus you might have opportunities available to you beyond your imagination today.

I would encourage Lady Chem to read some of the sad stories of those who received no bid. Or even worse, those live Recruitment stories which just stop and we all hope that the PNM was too busy with their new house to finish up the story, but we know the real reason the story ended early was not so happy.

Relax, you are in, and this is a good thing.

I kind of want to shake her and scream "TAKE THE BID, TAKE THE BID!" Lady_Chem, it seems like you had a pretty good experience with DEF, why not stick around? You can't pledge anywhere else until next year, so what could it hurt to stick around through your NM period and see what happens? If you really make an honest effort to get to know these girls, I'm willing to bet that you will find it's home after all.

This is unrelated, but when I was a new member, there was a new member who really had her heart set on a certain woman to be her sister-mother. It didn't work out, and the person she was matched with didn't want her, either. They both cried on sister-mother night. Their pictures are awful - sulking etc.

Things got better through the course of her new member period, and at initiation, they still weren't besties but they had grown quite fond of one another. Things got better still until the time the sister-mother graduated from college and got engaged.

By the time the wedding rolled around, the sister-daughter was in her sister-mother's wedding party, and could not be happier for one of the closest friends she made in college.

I guess the point is that things don't always work out the way you'd like (neither of these women had the other on "her list"). If you put in an effort, it might be one of the most valuable things you can get out of sisterhood.

I also have to wonder if there's some revisionist history going on as well.

Which is to say, her recollection of DEF comes off as lukewarm, but I'm wondering if her bias for ABC has her forgetting things about DEF during rush that were more positive.

I hope she can get past her grief and enjoy a group of women who clearly appreciate her...

Yeah, I'm tired of hearing this stuff over and over. A lot of PNMs are in denial about which chapter they belong in. They fixate on houses filled with girls that they want to be, not who they really are. I understand no one wants to think of themselves as a natural fit in the house others deem "lower tier," but if those same women would instead have pride in joining the house and make it the best it can be, they could actually change the reputation of the chapter. Instead, they reject that house, telling the women that just invited them into membership that they would rather be in NO sorority than their sorority. Rude, childish and naive.

The thing is, at most schools, what is lower tier? Generally, it's based entirely on appearance. I don't even mean that the lower tier girls are less attractive, but they may not be as focused on things like fashion, make-up, etc.

Does your sorority experience really depend on how attractive your sisters are? I highly doubt it.

I think that more often, it's based on some reputation that isn't even deserved or some historical ranking that nobody can change.

Depends on the school. Reputations can and do change.

But the point is, will the girls in the house not be good friends because XYZ fraternity doesn't want to have a social with them? Or some GDI on your floor repeats an unflattering nickname she heard?

Considering the OP's school is 80% men, I would honestly be shocked if there were fraternities that refused to mix with any of the sororities.

But I agree with Dee though. Depending on the region, the "top tier" can have practically zero to do with the members' beauty and far more to do with history, family connections or $$. But again that's really not an issue at this school. The oldest group isn't even 15 years old.

Right, right, I didn't mean to imply that the "bottom tier" girls were uglier or anything, just perhaps that they weren't as good at first impressions.

The fact of the matter is that every chapter has something to offer, and when you talk about national organizations, certainly they are all have lots to be proud of.

However, we've all been 18, and we've all thought to ourselves, "I wanna join the popular group and hang out with the hottest fraternities". It takes some maturity to suck it up and move past that, and I hope the OP makes an effort to do so.

While I totally agree that the OP should give DEF a chance, since she can't rush again for another year anyway, I think we might be being a bit harsh on her. While it sounds like DEF might be what would be considered "lower tier" (although I cringe at typing that phrase) at some schools, it didn't sound to me like that was the reason she didn't want to be a part of them. Although maybe I'm just naive, I do tend to see the best in people...

my point is, a lot of these posts sound like they are certain that the OP must belong in this sorority simply because they extended her a bid. I know even in my limited experience, this isn't always the case. Struggling chapters (in terms of numbers) sometimes are not that discerning and might extend bids to any girl who doesn't seem totally 100% wrong. I'm sure this has worked out in many cases, but let's at least recognize that it happens. Bottom line, none of us were at these parties, none of us know what she felt. Let's not assume that because she is a younger than a lot of the people on this board that she doesn't know what she feels. Yes, tons of girls end up loving sororities they were unsure about, I know plenty people like that, but the key word is unsure. Usually the ones who end up loving a house had mixed feelings, not a uniform feeling of not feeling comfortable at all.

I totally agree that the OP should give this house a chance, I just think that maybe some of these posts are getting a bit condescending. Let's respect her feelings and be conscious of the fact that maybe she really won't fit at this chapter. I honestly didn't get the impression that she felt DEF was beneath her, just that she didn't feel comfortable at any of the parties. So hopefully the OP will look at DEF with new eyes and come to appreciate them, but let's not judge her if it doesn't work out.

The problem with this line of reasoning is that struggling chapters (if indeed DEF is one) often do not "shine" in a formal recruitment setting. I think most people that have been through formal know what I'm talking about; these girls would not be the best at bumping (if they do it at all), maybe have to double/triple rush girls, don't have the most polished recruitment conversation skills (because recruitment is certainly a very specific kind of setting and conversation), etc. If that's what she meant by not comfortable, then my advice to her would be please, please, stick it out and get to know the girls for real, in a more relaxed setting. They may be the exact kind of sisterhood that you're looking for, just maybe now the girls that wow you in 20 minutes through matching outfits, perfect hair, and on point conversations.

However if she meant that she didn't feel comfortable for other reasons and those are legitimate concerns to her, maybe their sisterhood isn't what she is looking for. These would of course be personal, but we're just trying to encourage her (especially because she cannot go through recruitment again until next year) to give this sisterhood a try until before initiation, at which point she can make a more informed decision. Most all of us have been there and remember how emotional recruitment can be, how people are making decisions based on practically nothing, and how easily one can be influenced by their peers. This is why I believe that the recruitment process favors the sorority's wishes (on the whole), because we know our sisters. You may think that you're a great fit after meeting 3 women, but we know all of our sisters, and we know if you'd be a good addition overall.

She is at a school where all 3 chapters are pretty small. Only 30 women went through rush so she didn't fall through the cracks and get cut at a chapter that she would have been perfect for. We're just telling her that if she doesn't fit here, it's very very unlikely that she can rerush and be part of Greek life. It's hard to tell for sure if you "fit" after less than a week - as KSUViolet said, there seems to be this fantasy perpetuated that EVERYONE is 100% happy at their sorority and BFFs with everyone immediately. While it does happen that way for a few people, for the most part it takes a while to really find your place, no matter how small the group is.

She's tied to this group for a year, so she might as well spend some more time trying it out, and if she still hates it a month & 1/2 down the road, she doesn't have to initiate.

those are valid points, I didn't think of those. I guess all I was saying is that some posters seemed to be making her out to feeling like DEF was beneath her, which wasn't the feeling I got. Hopefully everything works out for her!

As someone who went through a very small system as well (~30 PNMs during formal with 3 chapters), this is what rings most true to me out of all the comments in this thread. When I went through, I was absolutely crushed that my ABC cut me. I was trying to figure out my chances of getting in through informal, whether it was worth joining another group, and just agonizing. I spent several hours trying to decide whether to sign my bid card for DEF. But you know what? I took a chance on DEF who really, really wanted me and they were right. I didn't fit in at ABC but I didn't realize it at the time. I didn't realize that for another year or two, not until I got to know all the chapters better. I still have a lot of respect for all of them, it just wasn't right for me.

So ditto what everyone else has said. I know it's hard- I really do. But put everything you've got into your new member period with DEF and see what happens. If it's not the right place for you, then you know you gave it your best effort & you can possibly try to go through formal again next year (but there's no way to know how that'll wind up). If it is the right place for you, then awesome. You took a chance and it paid off, big time. Membership is for life- while I am incredibly close to many of my chapter sisters several years after college, I'm also so proud to be part of my organization on a national level. Truly, you don't know until you try.

Best of luck to you.

Question? I often hear the phrase tossed around, they wouldn't fit in that chapter. What if that is the chapter they end up with a bid too? Would you still encourage them to give it a shot? Can a PNM really fit with any chapter through effort and open-mindedness?

Usually it's the chapter that has a clearer view of this- they are the ones who know the chapter the best and know what they need, want, and can deal with. A dealbreaker for one chapter might be highly desired in another chapter. Like leadership- you can't have a chapter full of leaders who don't also know how to follow. The leader goes through recruitment and has a lot to offer, but her first choice chapter doesn't see it the same way because they already have too many people with that character trait. Or vice versa with followers- a chapter full of followers with no clear leaders won't go anywhere. Okay, that's kind of a simplified version but hopefully that gets the point across. It doesn't always work out, we're all human. But ultimately the chapters are the authorities on best fit.

Unless you have a chapter full of clones, or unless the PNM is completely impossible and anti-social, any chapter of any size will have something to offer a PNM.

I had anywhere from 100-140 sisters in my 4 years of college life. I wasn't dearest friends with every one of them. There were some I didn't like very much, nor did they like me. And that's OK.

But did I fit in? Sure - because in my house, there was room for all of us - the studiers, the partiers, the reformed partiers who became studiers. The girls who wore Birkenstocks and the girls who wore Laura Ashley (I'm dating myself, but still).

Fitting in is the ability to be comfortable in your own skin and allowing the people around you to be comfortable in theirs.

I'm not saying the OP wasn't crushed and doesn't have the right to be crushed. She's welcome to feel how she feels - I think we're hopefully trying to encourage and offer perspective.

The beauty of sisterhood is that there's room for all kinds of people. And that becomes even more apparent after college - because maybe DEF has the reputation of being the preppy house at Learnmore U., but they're allegedly the granola girl house at X State. I've met enough of my sisters from other chapters and they're as different as can be. Which is great - because it's more interesting that way.

It would be easy for me to say, "But I just KNOW I would have made a great ABC." That's possibly true, but that's not the point. The point is that ABC didn't think I'd make a great ABC, and I could sit around and wonder why, or I could get out there and have some fun as a DEF.

I know what I would pick.

I think that we're coming off a little harsh on ladychem because she just happens to be the nth NM to post something like this in the last few months. We really got into the general topic of "NM's who don't feel they fit" and it just happens to be on her thread.

I really hope she does give it a chance, as I hope all NM's do.

That honestly depends on the size of the chapter and the Greek system as a whole.

It also depends if that phrase means "I felt like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" or "I felt like Grace Kelly in a room full of Roseanne Barrs."

But in general, making a permanent decision that you "don't fit" is not advisable if you've given it less than 72 hours, no matter the size of the group.