to drop or not to drop :/
 

Has anyone else on here been in the position of thinking about dropping/depledging their sorority? I'm about 3 weeks from initiation, and I've started to think long and hard about whether or not I should go through with initiating. A bit of background info:
I went through rush as a sophomore at a competitive school. When it came time to rank on pref night, I agonized over the decision between 1 and 2, because I liked them both. In the end I went with chapter XYZ, and was lucky enough to recieve a bid the next day. I was so excited on bid day, having wanted to be Greek my entire freshman year and loving (so I thought) the house I had gotten into. However, it's gone downhill from there. I'm really just not bonding with the girls in my chapter. Don't get me wrong, they're all sweet, wonderful girls, but something just isn't clicking. The girls I had talked to and liked during rush are never around, and when I do see them it's just a quick hi before they go about their day. I'm a little over a month into pledging and I still feel like I'm making small talk every time I go to an event. I've read a lot of threads about this on Greekchat where girls just don't seem to be trying, but I feel like I really am. I go to every meal at the house, chapter, philanthropy, invitation out, etc that I possibly can (unless I have a test or something), always go into the house with a smile on my face and talk to whoever's around, and have invited girls to do things. At this point my pledge class is super close and everyone's in their group, and I'm left feeling left out and not entirely sure what I'm doing wrong. I'm terrified that I made the wrong decision on pref night or somewhere else during rush, and would have fit better in another house. However, I'm realistic about my chances during rush next year as a junior who's a drop liability, even if I have friends in a couple of houses pulling for me. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I still would love to be in a sorority, as I love all of the ritual of it: the philanthropies and announcing and chapters and opportunities, and I would die for the amazing bond that so many girls have with their sisters, but I don't want it at the price of feeling left out and disconnected everytime I walk into the house. I'm left with a choice: should I drop now, and risk never being Greek? or should I stick it out, and hope that things eventually get better? I know that you guys probably can't do much for me without knowing the situation personally, but I'm the first in my family to go Greek and none of my friends are having this problem with their chapters, so I'm just not sure where else to turn :/
If anyone has any sort of advice, it'd be much appreciated :)

I'm assuming that you have a Big and/or another person who welcomed you: talk to them. Sometimes girls become not only sisters, but they live in the same dorm, which brings them closer still. I think the fact that you attend events and try is in your favor. But I would start with your Big (who may or may not see problems) and then look around.

But I can tell you that the bonds of sisterhood take time.

Hey there,

This is a really hard decision for you to make, I can tell. When girls in my chapter feel disconnected or maybe not as close as they wish to be, I always suggest living in the house the next year or taking on a position. I'm not sure if your chapter has a house where girls can live in, but if you do, DO IT. You grow so much closer to your sisters when you are living with them. Also, get involved in your chapter! You meet and interact with so many more sisters that way.

Because you seem to want to be a part of a sorority and your recruitment is competitive, I wouldn't suggest dropping out and trying recruitment again. But it's completely up to you!

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck! =)

This is definitely not an easy decision to make, and it's obvious that it's really weighing heavily on you. I went through something similar during my new member period. I didn't feel as close to the chapter as I initially expected I would, and that bothered me. However, I did have 3 girls I got very close to and we spent lots of time together. To me, even one relationship in my chapter would have meant the world. And that special connection I wanted to feel -- I got that at initiation. It really took me up until that point to finally feel the sisterhood and the love.

Remember that your sorority experience isn't just your undergrad years. Your alumnae experience could turn out to be exactly what you had been hoping for from day 1.

If you really want to be in a sorority, and it sounds like you do, take some time and really think about this decision. ellebud's advice about talking to your big is a great option. Good luck!

To be honest, I had few close friendships with sisters as an active, and I spent all 4 years on the fringe of the group for various reasons, some of my own making, but many not. My chapter would range from 35-60 members. But I still learned valuable lessons, developed social and communication skills, and of course, had fun. Would it have been nice to be friends with everyone? Yeah. But I am completely satisfied with the experience I had as an undergraduate.

I'm making assumptions here, but I'm willing to bet most of your pledge class is composed of freshman girls. You might only be a year older than they, but there is a difference between a sophomore and a freshman. To them, everything on campus is new and they're probably bonding over those experiences. Even if there are a few other upperclassmen, I'm willing to bet there aren't very many so there are fewer people to click with on a common experience level.

Find at least one active that you click with. Tell her how you feel. And then ask her if she or anyone she knows in the chapter has been in a similar situation. Remember that sorority membership is lifelong and these are three years out of the rest of your life. Enjoying your collegiate years is important, but those years are not the end of your membership. At a competitive campus, as a junior who dropped a sorority three weeks before initiation, you are extremely unlikely to get a bid again. You say you're realistic about your chances, but realize they are very, very slim. Are you miserable or just feeling left out? If you're feeling left out, you aren't alone. Some sisters will feel left out during their collegiate years. But you have so much more to look forward to.

Obviously this is a very personal decision that you have to make on your own, and it won't be easy. I think you should keep on trucking. You'll likely find pledge sisters and actives who feel like you do in time, and you'll have the rest of your life to find other ways to enjoy your membership. But if you choose not to stay, just be sure it's the right decision for you. Good luck...and don't let this get you too down.

I am wondering if you might be feeling that the honeymoon is over. Recruitment is so intense and can be so great, as it sounds like it was for you. You were able to choose between two great chapters and you felt like you couldn't go wrong. And chances are you DIDN'T go wrong. It's just that life goes on, gets back to normal, and your sorority is no longer recruiting you. We had a phrase "keep rushing those pledges" to avoid just this kind of thing, where girls feel disconnected or not fully welcomed. I also think this is a down side to the shortened recruitment period (it was a full semester in my day) because some people can jump in and feel these great friendships right away, and some just need some more time.

My advice to you is really work hard at making friends. It may feel awkward to you to invite a sister who you don't know so well out for coffee or to study for a class you have together, or to jump in and go out with some of the girls when you weren't expressly invited. You are a sister, and you ARE welcome. Especially if you are in a big new member class in a big chapter, it gets very easy for them to not notice that you aren't really being included. Get yourself on any committees or activities in the chapter that get brought up, and don't just go; really talk to the girls you're with.

Since it doesn't sound like your problem is that it turns out your chapter is a bunch of skanks or dingdongs or whatever, I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt. Unless you KNOW that juniors have a good chance on your campus, I would assume dropping out means no Greek future. And that's ok if you really can't make this work, but I bet you can.

Someone here uses a phrase about unicorns pooping rainbows. The thing is a lot of girls have a TV fairy land idea of what sorority life is and it can be very disillusioning when it turns out it's a bunch of smart girls who are friends who are just trying to get through college the best they can. But really, you have to talk about it to someone in the house. Your new member educator, your big sis, the president, whoever. They need to know your concerns because I can assure you they would be very disappointed to lose you.

Good luck!

please talk to your big sister, your new member coordinator(pledge mom, pledge trainer whatever you call her)AND someone you do feel closer to in the sorority. Please don't suffer in silence.

it sounds like you are giving it a good try. you are going to dinner, attending meetings and activities. have you tried to invite some of your pledge sisters that you feel close to out for a coffee or frozen yogurt? i bet there are a couple of girls in your pledge class who are having doubts just like you.

many, many chapters forget to KROP-keep rushing our pledges(new member just doesn't work here)-it's not that they are not happy you joined, but that classes, studying, activities get in the way.

please keep in touch and let us know how it is going.

Stay with it! I didn't feel completely comfortable in my chapter (even though it was my #1 choice) until I went through recruitment with my pledge class for the first time on the other side. It brings you a lot closer together. It's not easy to just instantly make friends, it takes real time.

Good luck though :) and do talk to your pledge mom/big sis as other people have suggested!

Only you can decide whether or not to drop, but understand that dropping likely means the end of Greek Life for you.

Just remember that it will take more than a month to develop a relationship with these women. You say they are wonderful people, so are they worth your time to get to know them? When there are 50 new women to meet, sometimes a few fall through the cracks. Keep up the effort, and eventually, you'll get to know them. Not everyone bonds immediately with their chapter. I didn't immediately, but I was lucky to have my bio sister in the chapter. Lean on your Big Sis...meet her friends and get to know some of the older sisters. They may be the people that you are meant to bond with. I can honestly say that I didn't really bond with anyone strongly until the classes behind me.

Yep.

Also be sure that you're not looking at the other sorority that you preffed second and thinking "I would be so much happier there and this feeling of disconnect wouldn't be happening." Might that be true? Yes. Might it be false? Yes. But if you keep thinking "what might have been" you'll always be miserable where you are.

Really good bonds rarely form overnight. Hang in there until next semester when homecoming etc is over and things are a little less insane.

It may sound trite, but put in an effort to "love the one you're with". You may be going through the motions, but you have this mindset that you're "left out". You'd be surprised at how much your thoughts can actually create or affect your environment. If the smile you're putting on your face is fake, everything else about you will contradict it.

Obviously, this chapter was 1 of your top 2 picks for some reasons. Find those things that inspire you, that you love about the girls and the chapter. Find your passion in the chapter. There are likely so many opportunities for involvement and personal satisfaction. Sometimes, they aren't so obvious.

Good luck with your decision. Some may say that it's a very luxurious problem to have - in other words, many girls didn't get their 2nd choice, or perhaps any choice. You longed to be Greek, and this is probably your last shot. If you really don't think you belong, then make the decision. Unfortunately, there isn't much advice we can give to help you make it.

I agree with trying to move in to your sorority's house/dorm floor if you can. So many small activites get planned at the last minute with people who live in the facility. Sisters that dont live in the sorority housing, often will feel left out because of that but it is never intentional. Almost always after those members move in to sorority housing, they feel more "included" or "in the loop" and end up enjoying their membership MUCH better. :)

This. I didn't really feel like I bonded much as an active. I was always on the fringe. But now 15+ years as an alumni, I am so happy with my choice.

You definitely need to drop before this sorority wastes initiation, ritual, and sisterhood on you.

I'm going to mention something no one else here has - the concept of your sorority as a whole entity, not just your own individual chapter. Sure, you want to fit in and feel that you need to fit into your own chapter now. As others have mentioned, this will most likely come with more time. Bonding with anyone does not happen overnight. It takes awhile to get to know anyone, sisters included. Shared experiences turn into recognition of each other as friends.

But consider your sorority as a large national/international organization. Think about why you chose it as one of your personal favorites, and give yourself a chance to feel included as one of its many members. This is why so many sorority members find the alumnae phase the most rewarding of all. You will not always get along with all of your pledge sisters, and you may find that things don't always go well once you initiate. But if you can find in your heart identification with your own sorority as special organization, then you will find a lifetime of rewarding membership. :)

That is unnecessary. New members can be confused, feel overwhelmed, and IMO aren't expected to "get it" before initiation. Her chapter likely wouldn't agree with that "advice".

Then she should've spoken to her chapter instead of coming here. It is sad when GCers have to advise someone to stick it out.

Ditto on this.:)

Regardless, telling new members to drop just because they have come here for help is not something chapters would appreciate, IMO.

ETA: As an active I never felt that a new member who was considering dropping because they felt overwhelmed and left out should leave. It happens, and they aren't expected to understand the implications of sisterhood and lifetime commitment fully before initiation, especially since they are not privy to ritual. I know I certainly didn't feel much connection to the concept of "the bonds of sisterhood" or my organization beyond my chapter until I was initiated and had participated in ritual. That was what made me understand.

Completely understand and agree. My sorority had it seemed to me at the time, only very wealthy girls. One girl received a staggering (for the time, 1970) $500 a month clothing allowence. I felt beleagured at times, inadequate at others. I transfered schools, affiliated, and was a bit adrift (but made some friends, though not super close.) for the rest of my college life in part because I didn't have a pledge class to relate to one on one.

Fast foward: Life went on and some of my best friends are my sorority sisters from both campuses. I have stood by them and they by me during good and bad times. Several of us live in the same neighborhood, others 20 minutes away. We do have a common bond. I am walking over to one sister's home this afternoon.

$500 just for clothing every month is staggering to me in 2010. :eek: I wish.

Me too! That would be a real treat if I had that kind of allowance! :)

You should have seen the lavender suede boots with cut outs that she bought back then: $125 at Bullocks Wilshire. Add a zero and that would be the cost today...plus a few hundred more. Lordy, how I coveted those boots.

Exactly. If it is no longer staggering for ellebud, I respectfully request a clothing donation from her. :)

Thank you everyone for your advice :)

In response to DrPhil: The reason I came to GC for advice isn't to try and disrespect the girls in my house, but because it's hard to go up to girls I don't know well and who love their chapter to talk about something like this. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed and didn't know where else to turn.

But everyone has given some really great advice that I'm definitely going to take :)

I would have, too. I could do some major damage with $500 a month.

Good luck. :) Just think everything through and explore all of your options for support. You'll find someone else who does feel the same or has at some point, I guarantee it.

$500 a month? :eek:

I could have definitely helped her out. I really need some new clothes.
I've reached that point where my style is starting to sophisticate a bit lol and now I have not much I want to wear.

ETA: and I would only maybe spend $100 of that on the clothes. I would promise to spend the rest completely responsibly (food, utilities, money towards school, dues, etc)

As I recall she didn't need any assistance in spending her clothing allowence. And no, she didn't spend it "responsibly". She spent it with abandon.

letsingit: Good luck!

OP - I skipped the various responses to save time, so forgive me if this is a repeat.

Do not give up. I can honestly tell you that what you are feeling is very normal. Truthfully, I remember feeling that way 30 years ago and my daughter definitely felt that way when she pledged 5 years ago.

Those bonds take time. Treat this like any other relationship - they take time to develop. The funny jokes, inside stories, etc don't occur over night.

Also, I think your age may be factoring in a bit, too. I imagine most of your pledge class are freshmen so they might not really click with you at this point.

Definitely talk to your big sister or new member chairman. Chances are she may have felt the same way and can give you some advice and support.

The "instant" love is not always there, but it doesn't mean you are in the wrong place. Just keep working to build your friendships and it will get better.

I wish you the best!