Dear PNM's and their moms
 

I am certain there is another thread which addresses the following, but I am unsure of where it is! As the rush season is in full swing at many schools I wanted to share my dd's experience with her rush. Several of the posters on GC are concerned about not getting their fav house and how if they can't get what they want they will just drop out of the final round. PLEASE don't do this. I know it has been said many times and it is true--you will find the fit that is right for you. DD attends a school out of state. We are in the South and her school is competitive. She didn't know a soul upon arriving and knew that she would rush as a way to meet people and find her niche. She had recs from teachers, friends of family, etc. She had stellar grades, activities, the whole package. As rush began, all the pnms were given notepads with which to write their impressions of the various houses.(I think this is such a good idea.) Day One was great, she really liked several of the houses and was excited about Day Two. Day Two came and went and she was happy that she still had several of her favorite houses to visit. By Day Three, something began to happen to my DD.

...and don't call the chapter and complain about DD being cut.

Yes Benzgirl, there is that!

So anyway, Day 3 and I'm hearing from dd about DEF house, even though ABC had been her favorite by far. Seems that her roommate(whom she has known for 5 days!) has several friends from high school in DEF house and now dd thinks that is the one for her. Plus she is telling me that she has heard blah, blah blah about some of the other houses. I tried to tell her not to listen to tent talk and if she is hearing it while visiting, that is dirty and she needs to not get involved. She is nervous about the next day which will involve large cuts for many of the PNMs. The next day she calls in a panic because she has been cut by a house where she was a legacy, she thought they liked her, BUT she didn't even like them???!!! I'm thinking I should drive up there and just slap her but this is her deal not mine. Anyway, she is all excited b/c she still has DEF, ABC, and three others. This is where I think she was shocked that she had been cut by anyone. Many of the PNMs have had very limited experience with rejection of any kind. And this is where as moms, we need to provide support for our dds but NOT take it personal. Remember, they are the ones going through rush, not us.

I'm going to say it....I think I love you!:D

The following morning I have a text message from dd. She has been cut by DEF and " I can't talk right now, I'm too upset." Well of course I am worried, so I try to call her but no answer. Finally during a lunch break, she calls to tell me that she is thinking of dropping out. She still has 4 houses but " DEF is where I really wanted to be, snif, snif." What about ABC, I ask. Oh yeah, they are still there on her card. Good Lord, I say to her, stay in, you are still on their list, it will work out. Long story short (ha-ha) she hangs in there, accepts an invitation from ABC, goes away on their retreat and has a ball. The following weekend, I go up to see my dd. While in her dorm, I spy her little notebook that she had during rush. She and I are looking over it and on the first three days she had listed ABC as her "OMG they are awesome, I could so see me here, etc" What happened, I asked her. Here you are loving them and suddenly you are wanting DEF? She just smiled sheepishly and admitted that she was wrong. Yes, I wrote down the date! Anyway, please hang in there PNMs! If you still have options, please don't overlook someone just cause you have formed an opinion based on hearsay. You will find your match, you will make friends, and you will have a bond that will last your lifetime. And moms...let your daughters find their way. You have raised them well, they will make the right decision for them.

FOFLMRO!
Kudos to you, Mom!

This post is only a couple of hours old and I've already quoted this line to several local moms. LOLOL!

I pmd you :)

"This is where I think she was shocked that she had been cut by anyone. Many of the PNMs have had very limited experience with rejection of any kind. And this is where as moms, we need to provide support for our dds but NOT take it personal. Remember, they are the ones going through rush, not us." (Had to copy/paste because I still haven't figured out how to take just part of a quote, sorry!)

My PNMdaughter experienced the same. She has had a really good recruitment with full or near full schedule every round (and has always kept her original favorite) but she still had to ask WHY?? DEF and XYG cut her even though they hadn't been on her radar. I don't think it was so much that she loved them, but that they liked others better and why?? I think it's that combination of not having to deal with much rejection and the burning desire to find the place they'll fit in at in college. (I wanted to slap her, too :rolleyes:, but luckily for her it only lasted a second and she was too far away!)

I think you're right about the limited rejection they get before age 18. My daughters and I provided several recs for a Bama PNM a few years ago. We tried to prepare her but after second parties, we got this call, "HEY! Some of those groups cut me!" She was horrified...her grades were great, she was gorgeous, she had super activities.

She also had great groups left on her schedule and we kept stressing that but all she could think about is that some groups cut her. She pledged a very strong Bama group and is now in grad school but she has probably never gotten over the shock of being cut.

I totally agree with the limited exposure to rejection that most young adults experience these days. I guess I was kind of surprised at dd's response since I have tried to prepare her for times like these. I mean it's like I've always told her, "I was there when you were born and they didn't give you a life is fair card." Anyway, it all worked out for the best and that's what I was trying to convey. She is a very happy, active sister of a strong group of exceptional young ladies.

I have to agree that young people these days have very little experience with rejection or failure. It used to be that kids would get their first taste of rejection, say, when they were 7 years old and weren't picked for their local Little League team, or when they were 12 years old and weren't picked for the school choir. Now "everyone's a winner" and the first time these young people run into rejection is when they go through NPC recruitment and a chapter cuts them, or when they go through NIC recruitment and don't get a bid from their favorite fraternity, or when they go through NPHC rush and don't get selected. And they say "ZOMG, how could DEF not want ME?!" - even if DEF wasn't their favorite.

I'm glad your daughter is a happy ABC and didn't drop out because DEF cut her.

i would have let you be the north star ksuviolet!

swamp thang, thanks for your thread. it should be required reading of all pnms and parents!

Recruitment was ironically one of the first times in my life I didn't face rejection. Though had I been at a competitive school I'm sure it would've been a very, very different story I'm sure.

This thread definitely needs to be required reading...to the OP, well said, all of it! :)

You took the words right out of my mouth. Although I'm sure if I'd rushed my first semester at college, competitive or noncompetitive school, I wouldn't have had the amount of confidence I did when I did rush. I had to shake off the hometown dust a little bit before I could get anywhere. That's why I have such a hard time understanding these chapters that take all the people from the same hometown, and the people who join them.

This thread so refreshing to read from a mom. Thank you!

This thread is absolutely dead-on, not only just the OP but everyone else who has posted.

Loved the "life is fair" card comment almost as much as the "slap" comment. Haven't we all felt that way?

For the umpteenth time: there are no bad chapters. And if you want a huge dose of reality, leave your insular community and state, and move to the Big City out of state, where your beloved QRS is non-existent, but DEF, HIJ, ABC etc, are the movers & shakers in Panhellenic & other circles, and they warmly welcome you because you are a Greek woman first and foremost. That's what really matters.

I did it right out of the gate, which in my case was a good thing...no time to do anything spectacularly stupid that would've gotten me cut later. I had my mom picking out my outfits, finding recs all summer, and reminding me over and over not to take anything personally, so though I wasn't confident I was prepared. But my fairly mediocre GPA and list of activities probably wouldn't have gotten me nearly so far at a school like UA for instance. I'm glad I had the experience I did because it was a huge confidence boost and after my high school experience I needed it. I was pretty used to rejection, and it was nice to not get it.

But I can understand how a PNM who has been president of clubs, in SGA, Homecoming Queen, etc. has a hard time understanding when she gets massive cuts during recruitment. It's hard at any age to not take rejection personally, but at least for me it was much harder at that age than it is now.

PS-I purposefully went to a school with few kids from my high school attending and even fewer in the Greek system...sometimes it's nice to start over. :) But I'm not one of those people that will be returning to my hometown and needs the connections. I get why some people don't break out of their shell, at least from my community.

I agree with all of y'alls posts. It is hard for kids to deal with rejection having the "let's not hurt anyones feelings, everyone is the same, everyone can play" mentality which has been pervasive for the past generation. Because my dd almost dropped out, except for her Pi Chi (Rho Chi is what it used to be!) the past two years she has been a Pi Chi, helping to offer support to other PNMs who may be feeling the same way! I am very proud of her. And I didn't even have to slap her!! By the way, she is a proud owl!

My mother is the head of a private, college prep school. Don't get her started about little Johnny's self esteem getting hurt. Omg. And letting all the cheerleaders try out make it. NO WONDER! Not making cheerleading in 9th grade (after being told by eeeevvveryone I would--sound familiar) was the best life lesson I can remember. And having to go to school the next morning and hear the list of those who made it called out on the intercom! The school would be sued these days........lord help.

Or hearing who made it/who got captain at a school wide assembly. Where you're trapped in a room filled with everyone in the school and everyone will notice if you get up to go cry. That was fun.

But I'm not bitter, though.

OMG so true. My first rejection, that I remember, was in 5th grade when I didn't make choir. It got worse in high school. I didn't make the top choir, I didn't make cheer one year. It was a part of life. Yeah it hurt, but isn't the saying something like "whatever hurts you makes you stronger" (something like that).

Now everything is about placating them. When I coached freshmen cheer in 08. I could take 12-15 girls (I say that number because it was "up in the air" of whether I would get a new uniform or not, if not only 12 girls, if so 15). Well I was essentially "forced" by the head coach to take 12 girls and 2 alternates and 1 manager. Only like 2 girls were cut. I was like really this is stupid. I only had like 17 girls trying out in the first place.

I just don't see the point why everyone has to "make the team" or "make the play" etc...because it is not going to prepare them for the future, as evidenced on this boards via our recruitment threads and the PNM's who "I'm so pretty, and smart and have tons of extra curriculars and OMG they dropped me".

I wanna say to them, you are now a little fish in a huge pond.

There's a balance. As one of the kids that tried her hardest (at least when I was a little kid and hadn't given up yet) and almost never got picked for anything or won anything, it would've been good for me to on occasion feel included. I'm not talking about school sports teams or other teams/clubs that are and should be genuinely competitive. But in Little-League type organizations I think the practice of giving them all a little trophy is a good thing. Kids should learn early on that you can't always win, and it's not the end of the world when you don't, but a little ego boost on occasion is a good thing.

The problem with letting everyone make everything is that kids never have the experience of saying to themselves "well I didn't make this, maybe I should go try something different that I may be good at and that I might like even better". And because they don't have that experience in trying something different and enjoying it and/or succeeding at it, they don't have the ability to see how there are other potentially great possiblities out there when they get cut from the sorority they thought they were destined for.

That's where the balance comes in.

Co-sign. The idea that it has to be all one (complete inclusion with no losers) or all the other (total competition) is short-sighted.

We touched on this in another thread, but the thing is there's hierarchies and "tiers" even in kids' activities, among the moms.

Say a kid loves baseball and HATES soccer...but soccer is the "in" thing run by all the "in" parents and the Little League isn't. Some parents in that case won't even let their kids try out for LL.

I have nothing against SAHMs but there are ones who perpetuate this kind of crap who really need to go GET A FREAKIN JOB.

Disclaimer: I do not have children or run in these circles. I absorb enough of it through my friends and Facebook.

Hmm...I thought you didn't believe in tiers.

Hmm...for a second I thought this wasn't passive aggressive at all.

Oh yeah, no I didn't - just kidding.

Hmmmm when someone starts their sentence with "Hmmm" is it ever anything but someone trying to be bitchy while pretending to be nice?


Hmmmm.

You act like the tiers are fairies. If she doesn't believe in them, does that mean they don't really exist?!:o

Hmmm, I thought you had stopped post stalking me.

But since you obviously have anything I ever posted on a DVD that you keep under your pillow, please quote one post where I ever said I don't believe that there is such a thing as tiers.

I believe in tiers - I simply think they are subjective and counterproductive to a healthy NPC recruitment.

We do this generation NO FAVORS by not teaching them earlier that you don't always get what you want. This is a generation in which every kid got a soccer trophy, participation medal or ribbon for even showing up!

Bwahahahahahahahaha!