How does one respond to...
 

... that dreaded reason for de-pledging, de-affiliating, or plain not going through recruitment... that one simple statement that makes me scratch my head in confusion:

"Greek life just isn't for me."

I've heard of quite a few guys/girls at my school who depledged/deaffiliated their GLO citing this reason. But what does it really mean? How are we, as fellow sisters/brothers, supposed to respond to this? How does exec try to win a member back when they give this reason? I don't want to sound too probing, but a lot of the time individuals will say something like, "I really admire sorority XYZ, and I've enjoyed my time here and wish I could stay, but sorority life just isn't for me." Isn't that a bit of a contradictory statement?

How do we respond to that, as executive officers? As fellow members?

Ask them, "How do you know?"

But Greek life ISN'T for everyone.

I'd rather have someone bow out gracefully BEFORE becoming a full-fledged member than after they've gotten letters.

Since we don't recruit, Delta prides herself with reclamation but that's for inactive Sorors who hope to reclaim membership in terms of being financial and active.

All of those other people (those who never go through membership intake, those who drop out of membership intake, those who de-pledge) get the gas face. :) Not Delta's concern and not my concern.

just ask...
 

"What part of it didn't you like?"

It could be:
-the required activities
-something in ritual that offended them/ritual in general
-they dislike living with a large number of people (and your chapter requires living in the house at some point for every member)
-a personal beef with another member/another Greek
-pressure from friends/boyfriend/family
-time crunch from classes/job

If it's one of the first three, k_s is totally right. Greek life ISN'T for everyone, even at the most laid-back schools/systems. It's better to just let them go instead of begging them to stay around. I include the house thing because once you let one person slack it creates a very slippery slope. For many chapters, living in the house is as much a part of being Greek as the meetings and rituals - i.e. inescapable.

If it's one of the second three, tell them that lots of people have had the same issues and that you'd like to help them work through it before they make an irrevocable decision.

I've never been in that situation, so I can't speak from experience, but I can see how once you choose someone you wouldn't want them to quit. Especially if you have gained a lot from your time in the organization, it would be upsetting to see someone not appreciate the opportunity that they've been given.

On the other hand, the above posters are correct, Greek life isn't for everyone and who wants to have a half-hearted member?

Most of the time IMO that excuse means:
1. They just didn't like the rules.
2. They don't like having to show up to required events.
3. Their friends, family, or boyfriend don't like how much time they spend with the sorority.
4. They are struggling to keep up financially or no that they probably will struggle in the future.
5. Housing requirements.
6. They are having a hard time balancing sorority, school, and a work schedule.

I think it's a general excuse. If it's 1 or 2 they probably do need to go ahead and quit. If they get talked into staying they MIGHT end up changing their mind, but if they don't they'll probably end up going through initiation and then quitting anyway, because requirements probably aren't going to change. And for people who didn't really have a full understanding of what they're getting themselves into, they might be telling the truth-it really might not be for them, and that's fine.

If it's because they are feeling outside pressure, struggling to pay, or are worried about living in house you might be able to find a member who has gone through a similar situation and wouldn't mind talking to the woman about how they managed. They still might want to quit, but sometimes just knowing that someone else has been in your same shoes and came out just fine is comforting.

That being said, an initiated member who quits because they do not like the requirements or are just getting bored isn't worth convincing into staying. They knew by initiation what would be asked of them. That's different than a new member who finds themselves in over their heads.

We had a new initiate drop out after our first Recruitment Workshop. Our Rush Chair at the time was very fashionable and full of ideas but was NOT the most tactful girl, and some of her suggestions/rules were really off putting to the new members. The girl who dropped really did not want to have to do the amount of "judging" that Formal Recruitment entails. If we had had a slightly more tactful Rush Chair, this might have been avoided, or maybe just postponed. There's a good chance that while Darla Dropper was one of the sweetest girls I know, Greek Life just wasn't for her.

Ugh how unfortunate on the timing and the circumstances that probably did push her into quitting. Chances are, though, if she really was that bothered by it it would've come up later, probably during recruitment itself.

The obvious response is to ask why, then decide whether the reasons are sufficient. There are lots of good reasons to depledge, including not fully understanding the financial or time aspects. If the pledge/new member is sincere, then letting them depledge with dignity is the classy way to go. There are too many people who really do want to be a Greek to hold someone hostage.

Exactly! And probably the same for the entire HPHC.

I think so. I guess this thread isn't for us. :)

I understand fully that sometimes Greek life -isn't- for everyone. My question was more geared towards, "How do we, as members or exec officers, deal with someone who cites this reason for quitting, and then does not or refuses to elaborate?" What questions should we ask, what actions should we take? There have been some great responses thus far - thanks and keep 'em coming! =)

You can't really make someone explain themselves. I'd think that anyone interviewing someone who wishes to deactivate or depledge should try to encourage her to be honest, promise confidentiality (and mean it) and ask if there is something else that's not going right. But there might be nothing more there than she feels like she doesn't fit in but doesn't have the words to express it, or is trying to be polite after witnessing something she was offended by.

I recommend instructing them on how to leave all of the sorority properties that they have in their possession.

They can figure out the rest from there.

You know, you kind of acknowledged that this wasn't really your lane. NPC members generally have to be given permission to leave vs. being kicked out. Although granting the permission is preferable for all involved, it's not as simple as that. And individuals who might be expressing a desire to deactivate or depledge could have reasons that need addressing as a chapter or even at the university or HQ level.

It's taken more seriously than Leave Your Stuff and Get Out.

Yeah and that's why a thread in the general Greek Life forum should specify it is basically about the NPC.

The thing is, often when people start a thread like this, they don't realize that there may be lanes involved, so they don't know to specify.

She should take my advice and see where that leads her. :p

Sure but once you figured it out you're just kind of harassing the OP with advice that isn't relevant. It isn't a "stay in your own lane" thing as much as a "you realized it's not yours so don't treat it like it is"

Or the OP is smart just like you are and realizes that my jokingly serious response doesn't apply to what she's talking about. In the Greek Life forum where someone assumes that their question is a general one, those who can apply my advice are free to do so. It certainly isn't the first thread in which this has happened. Whooptydo.

See my above post.

I don't want to get too nebby as to different groups' operations, but I'd guess that national offices require more than "it just wasn't for me" as a self-termination excuse. We had a woman try to self-terminate and she was denied because she didn't have valid reasons. If they don't tell you why, then the chapter shouldn't sign off on the termination/should request HQ doesn't approve it. Yes, it sounds a little blackmaily but I believe if someone's quitting they should show a little courtesy and tell you if it's them not you, rather than make you think the sorority's to blame.

So, this obviously varies based on the (NPC) sorority. My question, if you don't mind my asking, is whether the denial was "successful." Were you all able to get her to want to stay beyond being forced to stay? How does it work in terms of sisterhood and interaction when someone is denied the ability to self-terminate? I don't recall this topic on GC before as it pertains to the NPC.

Her reason for wanting to leave was "I'm a senior and I don't go to anything and don't want to pay for it." The chapter didn't oppose the termination, the national office did. We were a little more understanding of being flat ass broke than HQ was, and she was on the flaky side to begin with. She was active for another semester, did student teaching and then graduated.

That was probably a bad example to use in this context, but I just wanted to point out that even if people DO try to self-terminate it can get shot down by the NO and they're still on the hook for dues, so they might as well try to work it out. Obviously this isn't the case with every group as there are stories of women terminating left and right because they're upperclassmen.

That is interesting. Thanks for answering.

(If the OP was seeking advice rather than just sparking discussion) the point is that the OP needs to know what her NHQ/NO policies and procedures are and her chapter will know what to do from there should this ever be an issue. Consult your local/regional entity and chapter advisor (for those GLOs that don't allow nonmembers to advise). As with many Greek Life topics, it isn't really about what GCers think or what other orgs do. We should all know our GLO's policies and procedures and how our NHQs operate.

I feel like it's a little too easy for members to self terminate in some NPC's (mine included, if my understanding of the process is correct). On the other hand, if they TRULY do not want to be in my chapter, I want them to be able to leave.

I also have a "thing" about members self terminating and still wearing letters. I don't expect them to hand in the t-shirts they paid for or the jewelry their mother bought them, but I also expect that since they no longer want to represent my organization they will no longer wear my letters. Huge pet peeve. :mad:

When it comes to people who are depledging (and not people who simply don't want to be active/financial for a period of time as a collegiate or alum), some fraternities and sororities collect many of the items from the person. That includes ritual, pins, paraphernalia, etc. Some entities request for these items to be left in good faith and some entities offer...encouragement to do so.

It makes sense that some people don't want to leave some of the letters/symbols behind that were gifts, but people should have enough respect to check with the policies and procedures to see what to do. I recommend donating the items to an active member. It is against some GLO's policies and procedures to do things like donate items to The Salvation Army or throw them in the trash. We can't necessarily force someone who chooses to depledge (or is even expelled) to return every single thing or stop wearing and displaying every single thing. It's dumb for them to want to do so, but people don't always make sense.

Pins/badges and ritual should be given back to the organization, period, IMO. I think giving items with letters to an active is the best solution, but so many (the ones I know, specifically) do not and continue to wear the mixer and formal shirts, keep letters on their cars, etc. It really does irritate me, and I wish other actives would be a little more firm in the separation between "friend" and "sister" when a member deactivates. I don't advocate shunning them, and I have good friends that have quit for different reasons. But I don't refer to them as a sister, and refuse to act like they are one. They quit. They are my good friend, but they are not a sister in my organization and IMO that line should be drawn.

This is interesting.

In my organization (and in similar orgs, I've been told), your dues are sent off as soon as they're paid with the understanding that it's non-refundable. If, after paying dues, someone decides to drop, that's his prerogative. He knows he's not getting his money back. That's why I don't feel compelled to probe when a pledge doesn't want to continue the process.

This is why I'm glad that letters are restricted to initiated members. We don't have to worry about getting lettered items back, as they don't wear letters in the first place.

I'm not aware of anyone refusing to return ritual items or pins.

^^ Active members can drop too.

It was more of a discussion thing for me, since I have had to deal with termination of membership before in many organizations, not just GLOs, and most of the time it has been handled fine. I am curious, however, as to what others do or say in such a situation. This was actually intended for "all lanes", so DrPhil's response was just as interesting as those of you who were addressing solely NPC's. It would be great to get some input from other orgs like professional/service frats... or social frats in general. Obviously I'm not an expert in how all your orgs are run; this is some great conversation and I'd love to keep it going.

In terms of giving back all letters, etc. I also find that a common courtesy. If you're not going to remain a member of my organization, then you have no right to wear my letters. It's like participating in the qualifying rounds for Miss America, deciding to drop out, and then continuing to wear your sash as if you were continuing. It's misleading and disrespectful to those who -are- continuing in the chapter.

The OP is talking about pledges AND initiated members. If a pledge wants to drop, I'd still ask those same questions from my first post in this thread, but probably not get as bent out of shape about it if they didn't want to be there. The point of pledgeship is (well, should be) a trial period to see if Greek life is for you or not.

The posts of mine and alumiyum's you quoted, we were referring to initiated members.

Well obviously money is a huge factor, but it's not the only factor. When you're trying to expand your numbers and members are dropping off, citing "Greek life isn't for me," it really doesn't matter how much money you've leeched off of them if you're a frat left with only 5 individuals.

Yea, I know. I thought those posts were referring to pledges/NMs.

Got it.

My chapter has only had one person resign membership in our history, but he had no qualms returning his paraphernalia and ritual. Most actives don't turn in letters -- they stop being financial. And, like DrPhil said, our goal is to get them to become active again.

Five members can still run a chapter ;)

But I understand where you're coming from.

Interesting, our actives who "stopped being financial" would eventually have been expelled from the chapter.

Yea, that's been my understanding.

Just as an FYI (not necessarily to you) -- members can stop being financial after graduating, as well. When I say our goal, I mean the national organization.

At the collegiate and alumnae/alumni/graduate levels. :D Don't I know it.

I also understand where she's coming from because small chapters aren't common in many GLOs; and they aren't common at many NPHC/LGLO/MCGLO/etc chapters. If you have a chapter that operates with 40+ members, it takes restructuring when you have fewer members.

At the same time, there are 50+ membered collegiate and alumnae/alumni/graduate chapters where only 10 people do the work. Different topic. Different thread. :)

Aye I thought about adding a line about alumnae but kept it to collegiates for the sake of the discussion.

Yep and alumnae are mostly what my very first post about Reclamation was in reference to. Alumnae Sorors have different reasons for being nonfinancial/inactive. For those who don't wish to disaffiliate altogether, our goal is to reach them and bring them back.***

Reclamation works differently for collegiate Sorors who are nonfinancial or inactive because I think collegiate inactivity BY CHOICE may be less common and the reasons for inactivity tend to be different than for alumnae.

***Such efforts can also be extended to Sorors who are financial but don't participate in anything; and Sorors who are Members-at-Large but not affiliated with a chapter.